tim68

Wow...here I am on this forum for the first time as a member and not a lurker. It took a lot of courage for me to sign up today. The reality of "registering" means I'm admitting I'm a full blown alcoholic, and that is scary. Actually I believe I have known this for years yet just can't stand to see it admitted in type.

I must say first that I just highlighted and erased about 3 paragraphs that pretty much held my lifes story of my slow spiral down of where I am today. Really no need for sad details. I'm trying to beat this damn addiction that started when I was 16 and now I'm 45. I guess I'm what you call, like they say a "functioning" alcoholic, but last week I crossed the line and it scared the hell out of me. My progression in a nutshell has gone from the age of 16 to where a pint of rum would last all weekend to where I am now which is going through a half gallon every 5 days. And from that age where four beers would bet me buzzed to it now taking over a twelve pack. What I consider "functioning" was/is the ability to be able to drink several drinks per night while being able to get up the next morning and go to work. By the way I never considered this normal. I knew my drinking was getting worse over all these years from just a few days a week or weekends to darn near every single day. Well, one morning last week I woke up so hung over , I got to work, clocked in, went back out to my truck that has very dark tinted windows and went to sleep it off for another hour and a half! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! THIS is the beginning of the end and I see that! I have already ruined one marriage to an amazing woman because of this addiction and now a career of 20+ years is on the line if I don't act today! I see that. Never have I done such a thing and it has really just freaked me out. The whole going back to my truck was the wake up call that I have a serious problem and that I'm going to die from this if I don't do something.

Right now I"m at that stage of 36 hours without a drink. No DT's, no shakes. I slept ok last night. I'm just foggy and highly irritable. Back in the mid 90s I put myself in outpatient and was sober for 5 years. I worked the steps. But alcohol fooled me into thinking I could have a weekend drink and be fine. Well, you see where I am again several years later. I consider myself a born again Christian as of 2010 and have given this all to "Him" this time. I really-really need everyones prayers to help me stay sober. I got remarried to an amazing woman over two years ago and want to be around and give her the beautiful life she deserves. The going back to my truck and passing out was my "bottom". You may ask..."wasn't the end of your previous marriage your bottom"? It should have been. But my denial of addiction wouldn't let me acknowledge it (back then). I thought we just grew apart. The power of alcohol manipulating perception is just unreal! Trust me, I'm ashamed and sorry. With the Lord and you alls help I know I can do this. I want to fix this before my body ends up sick and I ruin another marriage.

Thank you so much for reading.
God bless.

Nonsensical

Welcome to Sober Recovery!

Congratulations on your decision to lead a sober life!

BigTeddy

Hi Tim and welcome to SR! It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are powerless over alcohol. I was in denial about it myself for a long time. I can totally relate to the going to your car and sleeping it off. I'm glad that you've made it through day 3 with little physical withdrawal. After I got past the physical part it became a complete mind game for me. Constantly wrestling with myself over having a drink. But it does get easier with time. Since you said you already have experience with AA, I hope you start attending meetings and working the steps. Again, welcome to SR! You can do this!

biminiblue

Welcome to SR. One day at a time is all you have to do. Every day.

Opivotal

Welcome tim! Thank you for posting.

Upward2Enlightenment

Welcome tim, you took the big step admitting it. You will find lots of support here.

tim68

Thank you all so much for your kind support. I need this forum and the help from those just like me. There are just no more excuses to deny my disease. When your going back to your truck to go sleep after just clocking into work is absolutely the beginning of the end in my opinion. Thats the first and the last time. If it were my business I would fire a person like that without question. I'm being given a chance to fix this and there is just no turning back. It only progresses. Ever slowly as it may be. I love myself, my body and my wife too much to take this any further. I can do this. I have a good life and don't surround myself with others that do drink. Its only that voice in my head that says "you need me" (alcohol).

GracieLou

Welcome Tim.

We all have a bottom and it does not appear to everyone the same but you know you hit it when you stop digging.

Mine came when I could not lower the bar anymore and still function.

There is a lot of support and information here. I am glad you are here.

biminiblue

I wanted to add that I said a prayer for you.

Be kind to yourself, self-loathing is one of the tricks the addiction will use against you.

Verte

Welcome to posting on the forum tim68.

The self-destruction of alcohol is such an intense 'hell on earth' and life is the sum of all of its parts.

I admire your strength and courage to be exactly where you are.

Keep at it!

LBrain

welcome tim68, you are making a life changing decision for the better. It will be tough, but at the same time it is very simple. Just don't drink, get the support you need and get into a program of recovery.

HealthFirst

Congratulations Tim on taking this step. We're here for you.

tim68

Im so very thankful to have finally gotten the courage to join this forum instead of lurking. As in my original post, I'm not a stranger to AA and working the steps. That was way back in my 20's though and I was relatively unknown to most locals. But the last 25 years has brought about way too many people that know me. I work within county government and I'm terrified that if I attend a local AA meeting people will question my stability and ability to perform my job. I'm so interconnected even with the surrounding counties. I do however know of a man at my church that during a special church service where people lifted a posterboard with a statement of what they gave God to handle, his said "I was an alcoholic". I nearly cried. The courage it took to do that in front of hundreds was amazing.

I think I will approach him this Sunday after service and see if he will personally sponsor me. I'm just terrified for my career showing up at an AA meeting. I'm getting strength here, but feel I need some human reaction as well.

Thank you all again for the warm encouragement.

Anna

Welcome, Tim,

I understand the enormous power of denial in this disease of alcoholism. I'm glad you are here and posting and I will definitely send prayers and good thoughts your way.

firstymer

Welcome to SR, tim68. I am glad you are here with us. Good luck on your sober journey.

wpainterw

Tim: From what you say (and you are very articulate in that respect) it appears to me that making a long term commitment to getting well by means of Alcoholics Anonymous would be a good thing for you to consider. Since you say you believe in God the so called "God Stuff" component of AA would not annoy you as it has annoyed others. I think that you should be able to find a congenial AA meeting down in Tennessee where you live. I was a "high functioning" alcoholic for forty years and as a result of companionship in AA have been able to achieve over 25 years of sobriety. It is not too late for you. You say that you have hit bottom but unless you do something to help yourself, there could well be other bottoms, even worse than this one. Often I felt that I had hit bottom, but there were worse ones ahead. Along with AA it would be well for you to have medical help and, if necessary a professional counselor. You do not mention that you have a primary physician. It is important to have a primary physician who is trained to help those in recovery from addictions. Not all physicians are so trained. Alcoholism is an illness, so don't be ashamed any more than a diabetic should be ashamed of diabetes. Keep posting here on SR. It will help you. Some folks have said that they could get well alone. I found that I could not do that. I needed help from others. Otherwise it would have been for me like trying to climb up a rock face, solo. I tried that for forty years. It never worked. Things just kept getting worse. It's progressive and it gets worse.
(Added after reading your later post)I see that you are no stranger to AA but you are terrified of it now because of your fear that it might hurt your career. Perhaps a good solution might be, as you say, having a recovering alcoholic friend serve as a "sponsor" in a meeting consisting of you and him.
W

Thepatman

It's never too late to make a change.

Never went back to my truck but I did call in sick way too often because i knew I drenched the smell of the hard weekend!

Dee74

Welcome aboard Tim

D

tim68

Well here it is Wednesday morning after my last drink Sunday. So far the only issue I've had was actually last night. Tossed and turned alot waking up every couple hours. No sweats. No palpitations. Very strange because I slept fine Tuesday night. Still no DTs, panic or anxiety. I'm praying and thanking God I caught this in time. So far so good. If I can escape the really nasty physical issues, part of the battle is won. Time will tell and like I said I hope I caught this in time. It feels so AMAZING to get back to sobriety. I'm also noticing that my stomach is getting back to normal. I could tell the lining was getting irritated and would burn from time to time from all the poison. Nothing major. But yet another sign of my needing to quit for good. I'm feeling foggy, but coffee helps in the morning.

Snoopy101

Best of luck! one day at a time. I've been sober for a year. Your post helped be realise that I can slip again even after 5 years sober! That's honestly a scary thought. But it helped me not to get complacent. I've been thinking recently about buying an extremely expensive bottle of wine to celebrate. It sounds crazy when I write it down now

You can stay sober you have done it before! Best of luck you already know what to do