ontherightpath

My biggest supporter is my son. He is 11. He supports me in getting sober and he even encourages me to go to meetings. (Our aa hall has a separate room for the kids to hang out in, so he doesn't mind going )

Today, we had a discussion (him and I) about relapses. I thanked him for being my biggest supporter and told him that even when I fall, it's important for me to get back up. I explained to him what triggered my last relapse. And told him that even though I had drank, it doesn't mean that I am not giving up this battle. I told him of the one day at a time. And that I just need to pray about it daily and not drink, today.

I also told him how I wished his dad would support me more, but it is what it is. I did NOT tell him that I am considering divorce. My husband doesn't encourage me to go to meetings. He wants me to more or less moderate. I want sobriety, but have time and time again fell down. I have allowed his opinion to count more than my own needs. I need to stay sober and if he can't support that, then I believe that is a deal breaker.

yeahgr8

Hi It sounds like an awful lot to put on a 11 year old, having experienced this please be careful that he doesn't have to grow up too quickly. I know someone else will pop up and say better that he is involved rather than having no parent but this wont be of much consolation when he is dealing with issues later in life other than creating more magical guilt.

Cant you go to AA or something else and get the support you are looking for from there? Maybe counselling?

Just putting that out there, if its too much to deal with just ignore this post:-)

Taking5

Have you told your husband this?

ontherightpath

I do go to aa. Against my own husbands wishes. Getting wasted daily is a lot to put on an 11yr old. Having an open discussion isn't, in my opinion. He is with my every single day is his life, think he doesn't know when I have had a relapse? I felt it better to discuss it, rather than stuff it away like it has never happened. Honesty is very important to me, with my kids.

I have not said those direct words, yet. I plan to have this discussion tomorrow night when he returns from working out of town. I told him this weekend I was seeing a lawyer.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you have a good plan in place to work with your husband, it's entirely possible that he will support you once he realizes how serious you are about this. Best of luck in having a meaningful discussion about it.

hopeful4

One thing I will say is if you are going to tell them you will be sober, be sober. Don't tell an 11 year old you are going to divorce his dad b/c dad does not support your being sober then drink. I am not trying to be harsh, just thinking of your son in all of this.

My X has told my kids (8 and 14) over and over that he is not going to drink anymore. Then he does. The resentment they have for him is HUGE. I have watched them be very mad, and I have held their hands while they cry. It's awful.

I think it's great you want complete sobriety. It sounds like your husband is not very well educated in alcoholism or he would know moderation is not going to help you? Maybe some counseling with a counselor who specializes in addiction? Just a thought.

I don't know what your faith is, but Celebrate Recovery is quite like AA but backed up with scripture. It is for your entire family, or just whomever wants to go. Many of them have programs for kids also. Just a suggestion.

I wish you lots of luck in your recovery!!

ontherightpath

I appreciate your words. I believe also that telling them I'm gonna be sober and then failing has negative impact. I get that. And I have walked the line far too often. That's why I told him that I will do my best. I explained fall down 7 times get up 8. I just want him to know that i am not giving up. I did NOT tell him I was considering divorce. I would never do that to him. I was just honest with him and told him what triggered me to relapse in the past. I will say NOTHING of divorce until we make that decision (husband and I)

I have been to CR a few times and need to make it more of a priority. It's actually held at the church I attend, and I just love being there

Raider

Not to be rude, but isn't that hard on a child to tell him you wished his Dad would support his mother more? How would an 11 year old process that?? By hating his Dad?
Good luck.

hopeful4

I agree with being honest, just be sure you are not giving yourself an out so to speak. If you are with your 11 year old child every day you need to be sober every day. He deserves that 100%. If you are not then his safety and wellbeing are at steak. I also hope you get him into counseling if you do this. I have both of my kids in counseling and it is a great benefit to them, and to me. I also agree with the above, what is this saying about his father? You do not want to do anything to cause bitterness in your child towards his dad. Your issues are yours. Believe me, both counselors have told me this.

Glad to hear you have access to CR. Do they have Celebration Station or The Landing (the kids programs)? Both of my children have attended these programs and really enjoyed themselves. I really like how CR is geared around the entire family's healing. Although my X and I are divorcing, we both still plan to attend CR.

I truly wish you the very best of luck. I am betting you are a very strong person, you can do this. Do it for you, do it for your sweet son!

XXX

ontherightpath

I don't need to tell my son that my husband doesn't support me. He sees his dad make bs excuses for me to not go to meetings. My son is always the first to say "what's the big deal? She likes meetings and they help her" "I don't mind going with her, they have tv and wifi and we are in a separate room"

This is a family disease. I have to include my family in recovery, all of the time, not just the pretty hearts and flowers times.

Nonsensical

Does he like AA more than he likes his father? He doesn't know it's a deal breaker. What's his reaction to that discovery likely to be?

Congrats on your pursuit of a sober life.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

ontherightpath

The deal breaker is for my husband..... My son knows nothing of it. He just knows what he see. I doubt my son likes aa more than his father.

Flying4Life

If you are attending AA I strongly suggest that you check out the Alateen program for your son. It is a support group for teens and pre-teens that is affiliated with AA and Alanon, it is there for them to get support dealing with the issues they inevitably will face while living with an active or recovering alcoholic. It is a family disease and your son deserves to be supported and know that he is not alone in dealing with this type of situation.

http://al-anon.alateen.org/?gclid=CI...FYdFMgodQCsA4A

Also, I just wanted to say that I am really proud of you for pursuing your own recovery despite the obstacles that are currently standing in the way. That shows a lot of strength and a strong desire to change.

Nonsensical

Would it impact your son's enthusiasm for your recovery program if he did? If his expectation is that sober mom = happier family and the reality is sober mom = broken family it might influence his support.

It's a big adjustment for everyone in the house when someone is trying to get sober. Even husbands. I'm a fan of not rushing into BIG decisions early in sobriety. Let the dust settle a little. Emotions are on a roller coaster for months after putting the bottle down.

Presuming a sober wife is a better wife, your husband will figure it out soon enough. We men are dense, but we can see a good deal when it presents itself. Truth can be laid on the table like a gift, it doesn't have to be swung at the head like a bat.

Best of Luck to You!

ontherightpath

Thank you flying and non! I am considering getting him into an a lateen program, there is not one in my town, but that doesn't mean we can't find one. Thanks for the link!

Non-- I get what you are saying. Let's remember that drinking is but a symptom--- and for me it was a symptom of bitterness, anger, loneliness, low self esteem, and heartache. Much of which is pointed towards my husband. I love him. I don't like him a whole lot lately. He equates sobriety with marital fights. Mostly because when I am actively drinking, I let his laziness slide a little, I'll sit in the basement with him and watch boring tv after the kids go to bed. My inhibitions are gone. When I am putting together sober days, I go to bed early, am a slave to house and kids, and I guess plain out boring. I like to get out of the house and play ball with the kids, go for a walk. Live simpler. But lately Our communication is awful. He travels weekly for work-- and when he comes home he thinks we should stop what were doing and do what he wants. He thinks it's his right to hide himself away in the basement and smoke his weed, or go to his friends house and shoot guns. I think he forgets sometimes that he has a family here.

I let go of his weed addiction long ago. I have detached from it. I do not resent him for that. His choices, his consequences. I do believe that is a huge factor in him not supporting me.

We visited divorce months ago, and finally came to the terms to work on our marriage. We have, but just is inconsistent as my recovery has been, so has his support. Do I want to get divorced? No. Do I want my husband to get real with me? Absolutely. Will my children be ok? Well I can only hope so. And I can do what I can do to ensure that.

At the end of the day, staying together for the kids sake shouldn't be an option. My kids will fair much better with two happy parents, regardless if we are married or divorced.

Anna

I'm sorry but I think you are putting too much onto an 11-year old child.

I'm definitely not saying to hide it or deny it, but he's a child. In my opinion, he is not the person you should be talking to about what triggered your last relapse.

Can you call someone from AA to talk to or come here to the boards to talk to another adult?

ontherightpath

In not putting it on him. I had a conversation with my son, and honestly told him that the last time I drank was because I was mad. He asked. I answered. I owe him that.

Yeah I do have people in aa that I can and do talk to.

Thank you for reading and responding.