Kialua

The other thread that had the article about forgiving your parents for the horrors they put us through growing up, one sentence that stands out was the above. "I did the best I could..." like that is supposed to make it all right and we are supposed to be reasonable and even feel bad for them, because hey, they tried, they did their best.

Tried what? Tried beating, tried intimidating, tried neglect, tried scaring, tried hating, tried gossiping, tried dividing, tried manipulating, tried terrorizing, tried what?

I don't recall any trying really. I recall never once having a parent show up at a school or church function. Never once having been comforted, nurtured, helped, encouraged. I didn't have clothes that weren't used and tattered, I didn't have shoes that fit, I didn't have medical attention more than once. There was no cuddling and reading a bedtime story. There was no walk in the park.

Their best was constant chaos, fighting, screaming, blood and bruises. Their best was constantly moving, no friends because they might find out how we live. Their best was no furniture, no pictures on the walls, no paint on the walls, no decor objects because it was thrown and broken and belittled if held dear. Their best was drinking, being gone and totally not involved in their children's lives.

They actually didn't try, and it was no ones best effort. Alcoholism doesn't allow anyone to try and do their best. It only allows pain and suffering.

tromboneliness

Ha -- that one always cracks me up, too. "They did the best they could." Well, so did Attila the Hun, if what they mean is that everyone does the best he/she can all the time! You're not responsible for your illness, but you are responsible for your recovery -- and them's that refuses to acknowledge anything wrong, don't usually take care of business on putting it right.

But hey, they did the best they could, right?



T

jacrazz

when you know better, you do better....bottom line!

PlasticInsanity

I didn't understand how my parents "did the best they could" until I realized who their parents were - alcoholics. Both of my parents grew up in alcoholic homes; this means that by the time I came along, they didn't have the proper 'tools' necessary to give me the life any child deserves. I wasn't abused (thankfully), but our lives centered around my dad's drinking, and my mom's codependency only made it worse.

I'd like to think that they could've tried harder, but in reality they didn't know any better. Even today, they both still have really sick thinking. I have a 5-year old niece that I strive to make myself better in order to give her a better life, and sometimes it feels like I'm the crazy one lol! But if it wasn't for the way I grew up, I wouldn't value the child's right to a childhood as much as I do, and I probably wouldn't be in my niece's life as much as I am.

Kialua

I struggle with the idea that alcoholic parents don't know better and don't know good from bad behavior, actually criminal behavior just because they were alcoholics. They know good from bad. They may be in over their head, but they are choosing bad.

I was raised in hell and I never grew up and did bad. I would have the perfect excuse for bad behavior. But I never hurt a child, didn't become an alcoholic. Neither did any of my siblings. Conventional wisdom would have had all of my siblings and I being child abusers and alcoholics handing down the tradition, but it didn't happen. 100% of us did not abuse. How is that possible with the present mindset? How did we escape our doomed future at the hands of abusive alcoholics? Who taught us to be good? That theory just doesn't hold any water for me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my parents, I just don't whitewash what they have done. I see it for what it is, bad. Their choice. My choice was to not be like them.

DoubleDragons

My therapist vehemently disagreed with me when I said my parents did the best that they could. I do not judge my parents for having problems _ mental, marriage, addiction, physical etc. We all have problems. I do judge them for not trying to work on any of these problems, ever and letting their problems ruin relationships with everyone else in their lives.

LDT

^^^ this!!

jacrazz

NAIL ON HEAD!!! My dad didn't love HIMSELF enough to get it together, and for not seeing the collateral damage of his addiction. I have forgiven him and love him very much. I may not have become an alcoholic but as an ACoA, I have my own issues that have affected my own parenting skills. I have also asks my son to forgive me if I have ever said or done anything to make him feel anything less than the kind, loving, smart, handsome man that he is.

GracieLou

This is where I am at.

My mother is not an alcoholic in the only sense she does not drink. Every other trait is there with passive aggressive thrown on top. To this day she is right and I am wrong, always. She is never to blame, never says I am sorry and if one does fall out it is said in anger “Okay, I am sorry, I am not going to crawl for you”.

I am an alcoholic and while I never beat my kids and they always had a home and all that entails, pictures, furniture, clothing, shoes, books, movies, TV, food etc. etc. They did not have me emotionally. I was not there for them due to my alcoholism.

I have made amends to both of them for that with specific things I had done or said over the years that I am sure hurt and effected them. They have both forgiven me. I can now move to a living amends and set an example.

They say that true forgiveness comes when you can forgive even though you have not received an amends or even an apology. I think it is possible. I have forgiven my mother with no amends but forgiveness does not mean it was OK. It does not mean I have to continue to have that person in my life especially if they are continuing to do the things that hurt us.

Some people we can love but they need to be loved from afar. I have also learned I can love someone and not like them.

utopia

I hear what you are saying. To find peace I have had to "take what I like and leave the rest" including the way some other people in/out of recovery phrase things and the particular language used and weigh more on the intention.

For me - I had to really be allowed to be angry and not just jump to being a paragon of recovery virtue....I've learnt others discomfort is more often about their own guilt and issues..... I've found more often than not parents have been the ones that seem to want me to hurry along to the "did the best they could" stage....the anger in me that can rise up is linked to my prior inability to be able to set boundaries

I felt comfort in finding my own space to say, yes my mother did not fulfill her responsibility to protect me but living a paradox of understanding why not.......the grey area makes the pain more bittersweet to walk through realising the whole family was lost in a fog of alcoholism...of insanity....in saying, my father hurt me....that's the point.....the end.

I don't think I'll reach a ho-hum acceptance of my parents but my intention and focus is to find peace and live today.....I need to have justice and compassion in equal measure to really connect to God, to Love and to feel my own worth....

Phrases such as "did the best they could", "stop playing the victim" etc I think come from well meaning intention but lack the complexity to understand the impact the family dis-ease has on children....I think they also keep the focus on the parent or wrong-doer in someway......

I have found more release and peace in accepting my humaness, my rage, my anger but especially my grief, my longing, my loss of the dream, my loss of a parent I never had..... that loss is deep and only the Steps helped me clean house....I don;t care how hard others tried, I'm affected and this is the reality.

Today I can have days where I pray for a father that killed, raped and burgled - other days I can't.....because I am human....yet I have found I daily turn my life and all those human feelings (that aren''t facts) over to THE CARE of my Higher Power....

Today I can have days where I accept my mother as she is, and sometimes we can have fun...sometimes I can see she is still too afraid to put me first, and sometimes she isn't....recovery helped me see a fragile woman, a strong woman, a human woman....just a person really....

Lastly I think this phrase can jar me because of my extremely high demand on myself.....if I fail my own high expectations I don't generally think "I did the best I could" - I think Harder, Faster, MORE MORE MORE.....where'd that belief come from? my upbringing but only I can do anything about it - it sucks but staying in a pothole in the road does nothing, I just stay in that pothole, I need to crawl out and keep walking and day by day increase the space between me and that pothole (which damn, really sucked to fall into!)

Whatever my parents tried to do, was it the best or half-attempt, has no measure on my worth or loveability - that's my real challenge - to embrace as truth the fact that I breathe and am typing this...that I was born means I deserve to live and let live....to love and be loved....to let the focus on my parents intentions and opinion and judgement of how worth it was I to FADE......I think when I grasp that and truly walk through the fire of those childhood wounds, feelings come and go, but the connection and strength of practicing a good recovery program make my parents efforts less relevant - their failings are not a measure of if I was worth a better effort....

Working the Steps has really shown me moments of my goal, to see myself as just fine, right now, pardoxically growing but still, fine.

Croissant

I'm actually only now seeing or wanting to face how damaging some of my fathers non-drinking behaviours were. He turned a blind eye and left us in a house riddled with abuse whilst my mother was gripped with alcoholism.

He was the sane one was the line always fed to me. I think it was easier to hate my mothers alcoholism, than to face the fact that a man, stone cold sober, was more interested in his single life, chasing women, than removing his child from an abusive mother.

Croissant

Utopia....your comment "my loss of the dream, my loss of a parent I never had..... that loss is deep"

Yes. Exactly.

Thank you for this.xx

chicory

Kialua,

There are people who are bad parents, drinking or not. Selfish and abusive. My mother was selfish and verbally abusive before she even began drinking. She divorced my drinking father after asking us kids if we thought we would be happier without all the fighting, screaming, and turmoil. Of course, we thought that would be great... we did not see him a lot, as he usually did not come home from work, as a butcher, until the town bar closed. they fought a lot. he left home for months at a time, no worries of how we would survive.

after their divorce, she went to work in the uptown bar. she began a life that hurt us even more, because no parent was there when she was gone drinking, carousing. she became a full blown alcoholic. we went through more he!! then, than we ever had before.

I have done some thinking about what similarity my parents shared. and it was selfishness. not illness. they were selfish before they even began to drink. maybe mental illness, but the alcohol did not make them do most of the most hurtful things they ever did. it was their selfish natures. add alcohol.. and voila! you have a miserable life for everyone!

I have forgiven. I feel sorry that they never really knew the joys of loving a child unconditionally, or the satisfaction that it brings to watch them grow up. of grandbabies. of pride in your kids accomplishments.

I dont know what makes people selfish. my dad was totally doted on as a young man. they had money, class, etc. My mom was the 7th child , and her mom was widowed and had to work in a stocking factory to afford a small apt, during the great depression.

In a way, I feel both my parents had mental issues, before adding alcohol.

I forgive them, because I feel like no one in their right minds would choose to be so miserable and ruin their childrens lives and their own health.

I do not however, think they did the best they could. Everyone else in the family,on both sides, did better by their children.

But is selfishness a sickness? Can you change selfish tendencies in yourself? If you do, is it a sincerely felt change of heart?

Perhaps different experiences can make one be more selfless.

Having children made me a lot more selfless. It seemed so natural to me to adore them and think of their happiness first, always.

sorry for the long rambling. I still try to understand it all, sometimes. They are both gone now. died way too young. they had both recovered, from the drinking, after nearly dying. but the damage was done, and with parents who did not really have a good relationship with their children, it was too late for closeness. the walls were up- we kids built them.

Croissant

Thank you for sharing, Chicory. That was not rambling at all.

Selfishness. Yes. Very good point.

GracieLou

It does feel like a loss but only because I never new I was missing it until I found unconditional love from the woman in AA.

I was just texting with my sponsor. She was checking to see how I was doing today and to let me know she is there for me if I need her. That feels so strange. I am so used to some one suggesting (telling) me to do something and then when I don’t, they ignore me and cut off their contact, affection, approval and love with some guilt trips thrown in.

I am not used to someone suggesting something and when I say I will think it over or even that I don’t think that is right for me they say “Okay, I am here for you and I support whatever decision you make”. That seems so foreign to me. It is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am waiting for the silent treatment and the guilt trips. I am waiting for the no contact.

I am waiting for the conditions of “the unconditional love”.

I still have a hard time believing it is real. I feel like it may be snatched away at any minute.

chicory

GracieLou
Families without boundaries.. a challenge,at the least. I struggle with that, too. I feel like I must help my kids, when they share a problem. No one did that for me, and I somehow feel like I should. be the opposite of my parents. but there is middle ground that I must learn to explore.
I don't know too many really healthy people with perfect boundaries... there are lots of people here who know about healthy boundaries, and i learn a lot here, that helps me with my life- at work, with my kids, etc.
Trust is an unfamiliar emotion, at first. no one is going to be perfect-they may let us down sometimes, but it does not mean they don't care. lifes journey is sometimes on a bumpy road, sometimes a smooth ride. I am learning to relish when it is smooth, and the nourishment I get from the good stuff helps me to bear the bumpy times.

we all struggle. everyone is struggling.

I am glad you have met some healthy people, who are showing you that you matter. I would think that is very real, their respect for you.

kudzujean

That one stuck in my craw for a long time. After years of therapy and various 12-step groups, I came to belief that my mother was doing the best she could. Most of the time.

I don't believe my father was doing the best he could. He was a little bully and encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. He bullied his family.

DoubleDragons

The loss of a parent that we will never have, really sits with me. I have spent most of my life nurturing and mothering just about everybody and everything around me ~ my sister, my mother, my friends, my employers, my four children (this one is appropriate), my pets (I have always had several). I used to think that this was just my nature but now I am coming to terms that I had this subconscious belief that somehow if I was nurturing to everybody else, my needs to be mothered in an unconditional, loving way would happen, but it never did. And when I did get glimpses of it (like you got with your sponsor, Gracie Lou), I never trusted it. I recoiled from it. I really, really want my recovery to be about nurturing and mothering myself, but I am not really sure how to do it. Any insights??

Croissant

Your post also really resonates with me. I've been questioning why I give so much very recently....never quite putting my finger on the fact I was expressing my own crying out for that unconditional attention.

I've compromised so much....even my own financial situation in the endless quest to help others and care for them in the way I never was. Particularly my Father - which now fills me with anger I have to deal with.

In fact, sometimes, thinking back....I keep some of my problems to myself, lest people don't respond to me in a caring way and once again I'm disappointed.

Thanks for this post DD...it's helped for me to see some current issues in a new way. I knew I gave too much, hoping for the facade of the family I wanted to be maintained....but I didn't also relate it back to the playing out of what I wanted my own parents to actually do for me....or at least show they were capable of doing.

Thank you!

GracieLou

I have trust issues. The only person I put trust and faith in was my sponsor and that is where most of it still lays today.

The fact that I have that one person is enough for me right now.

I share with other people but I am guarded. I do not share things that I worry about getting out into the general population. I leave the intimate tough stuff with her and God. The rest I share the general problems of life with.

Sometimes just saying to someone that I am having a bad day without going into detail eases my frustration. When I say it out loud it releases some of the tension.

Recently I did share something with a friend because my sponsor was not available. She then in turn told her sponsor who in turn mentioned it to me at a meeting. I was embarrassed and upset. Now I love both these woman and I am blessed to have them in my life but I did not want what I had shared to be common knowledge.

I am not angry but I will never share intimate stuff with this person again. I didn’t know, what I didn’t know. I blame myself, not them. They are of the type that think everything should be out in the open, I do not share that concept and that is okay. We all handle things differently.

My suggestion is to find one person to have faith in. Once I was able to take that leap of faith I have never been let down. As far as know nothing I have told my sponsor has been repeated. She has supported me even when I have made bad decisions. She does not judge me. I am so grateful to have her in my life. I know I would not be were I am now with out her.