DocSobrietist

.... I don't wanna move out (or have my wife move out)! Can't we achieve this separation thing some other way?

(depressed)

-DrS

MissFixit

Wasn't she the one who wanted you both to live there while separated? You were against this notion in your earlier post.

Hammer

Work YOUR Program. Claim the Promises.

========================

THE PROMISES

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

AnvilheadII

After we talked for a bit she proposed that I come home, stay in the house, after the kids are put to bed every night she will "go to my side of the house, you will go to yours, and we won't interact with each other," and I'll sleep separately from her. I immediately said that was a no-go, and I will continue to sleep outside the house. Again - boundaries. I'm not going to be a nonperson in my own home, not appropriate, not going to happen.

can i ask you something...trying to be gentle....but are you SURE all the problems you outlined in your other post, most of which seemed to reside in your wife - aren't perhaps all her fault? i know you've been a sober for a bit now, months...but you are still in very early recovery and that is a very sensitive time with lots of emotional upheaval. now you've been out of the house for a few days and suddenly........you wanna go home.

i fear if you aren't careful at this juncture, you're going to get too overwhelmed which can easily lead to drinking again. how solid IS your recovery right now? or is your sub-conscience seeking distractions and frustrations to keep you from that prime directive?

trust me, i get damn distracted just trying to get out my front door to go to work in the morning!!! why? cuz deep down i don't wanna go! (duh!). so i'll do dishes, and tidy the living room, and round up laundry, and oh sh!t look at the dust....probably should strip the bed NOW....hmmm, what about dinner? and suddenly it's gone from 5 mins to 7am to now 8:15 and i'm STILL not dressed!

what i'm saying is it's easily done....getting distracted. especially if we have an addiction beast chasing us around, lurking in the bushes.

how about you give YOU a break from all this life-changing event stuff for a bit? an hour, a day....do some recovery stuff, help another still suffering addict/alcoholic, go to the zoo and watch the penquins....

DocSobrietist

She said (or at least, I understood her to say) that she wanted me to stay in the house, and after the kids are put into bed, to "go to our separate parts of the house and have no interactions," and also she would sleep in a separate bed. She proposed this as an intermediary step to separation. At the time she proposed this, she was unable to state why she wanted this separation, and I assumed the worst, e.g., that this was a step towards the Big D.

Since then, she has softened / clarified that she indeed wants interactions with me after the kids are in bed, that I must have "misundersood" her (I actually don't think I did, but that's OK). She's talked about wanting "pleasant events" with me. She has not backed off of the sleeping separately idea yet (although we haven't revisited that subject), nor the separation idea in general. Which, actually, part of me still wants to seriously explore - while at the same time I dread the idea. Of course, now I know more about her motivation for proposing it, and after discussing things further with you fine people at F&F, I think that's why I'm less opposed to it.... at least partially.

This is going to cost money we don't have, it will probably result in the kids staying in school longer over the next year (give or take), and thats another reason why I just plain dread it. But again, I think my wife's idea has merit - I think there's a piece of me that has completely (if you'll pardon the expression) surrendered to the idea that we need to give each other space right now in a deliberate fashion, for some period of time. How we accomplish that is something to be discussed, lots of details to work out, I hope she doesn't dig her heels in to have it accomplished in a particular way.

Anyways, I continue to go in so many different directions, it's dizzying.

-DrS

DocSobrietist

Do you mean "my fault"? Or do you mean "her fault"? Not sure what you're asking.

I just want to be in my own bed. I want to wake up in my own house. That's really where it is right now.

I can say if I wasn't sober I wouldn't be handling this nearly as well as I am right now.

How solid is my recovery right now? Is there a test for that?

Maybe that's why I like the idea of a separation. I need a break. My wife is a major, major distraction right now. I think, undoubtedly, the same goes for me and her.

-DrS

-DrS

redatlanta

I am major, major confused. Yesterday or this morning you said you were looking forward to a break. Now you don't wan't either your wife or you to move out. Then your last post says "I like the idea of separation'.

What am I missing here?

I'll be honest - it would seem that you are so tired of dealing with this that you just want it to go away. I think its pertinent that Anvilhead asked about how your recovery is going. I see some red flags. You NOW seem ready to accept a situation that previously you were not acceptable of in continuing to live together but separately. Seem to be painting that picture in a nicer light than before.

There's just something not right with how you are processing this. Please don't take that meanly I think anyone would be upset. The flip flopping is what I am talking about. One moment you are pleased with an action or outcome then within a few hours not so much. What's up?

DocSobrietist

I think I'm in 20 different places about this, many of them simultaneously. I honestly don't know why (or if) that should be a surprise.

It was harder to stomach the separation-within-the-house idea of my wife's when I got the strong initial sense this was more of the same 'detachment with anger' she tends to practice. Now it seems like it's different - particularly after receiving her email and talking with her further, it seems like this is her trying to come up with a systematic kind of "detachment with love" in the form of some sort of separation proposal. Therefore, I admit, I'm more willing to consider it - although simultaneously I dread all of the logistical and other issues that come with it, I'm trying to hold all of those things at once.

Honestly, that's about it. Take it for what you will.

-DrS

Stung

Sorry you're feeling down. Separation doesn't feel natural at first because it requires a lot of changes. But once you establish a new normal things will gradually become easier and easier. Breaking out of your comfortable dysfunction that you're currently in will likely be a good exercise for you, your wife and your kids.

inpieces314

Here's the deal.

You both have a lot to work on, within yourselves, before you work on the relationship.

In all honesty, you could do it without separation, but that will make it worse, things will get confused, you will get angry, etc. etc. etc. It's better to separate. Period. It doesn't matter how it's done, whether in the house or out, but you need your time, and she needs her time. That's it. There's no blame, no one is at fault, none of that, but it's gotta get done, or you guys will not be able to work on each other because you didn't start with yourselves.

Suck it up and do it, not because you agree with it, but because you know that better things come ahead. Seriously, it will be hard for a little bit but then you will notice your head being clearer, your heart being lighter.