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Needing an emotional re-set

Old 05-04-2014, 08:16 AM
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Unhappy Needing an emotional re-set

Hi and thank you for being there whoever you are. My husband has been in rehab for alcoholism for 2 weeks. I can't believe that we have made it this far really. He is my 3rd husband and I had never been more in love... I know that sounds "fairy-tale-ish" but I really thought that God had finally partnered me with my soul mate. I know that I was in denial of his disease for almost 2 years. The verbal abuse, the drinking, the infidelity, the lies - I didn't want to admit to myself that there was a problem, let alone a disease. I knew that I was strong and I knew that regardless of the abuse, I loved the man that he was and somehow things would get better. I persevered and persevered. I was dauntless. Even when I spent a night in jail for domestic violence (he lied and told the police that I had hit him), I still had faith and love. Maybe I was crazy. We were separated for 2 months before he hit bottom and I took him to rehab. For those 2 months I was numb, just on auto-pilot managing our life, or rather the mess that I had to clean up (4 kids, 2 with major disabilities, a house under construction, and more debt than I ever knew we had). When he was finally safely in rehab I was so relieved - I had hope again - we were on the right track. Since then, everything has been an unraveling rollercoaster. My anxiety is off the charts. Who was he going to be when he came home? What woman would he latch on to in rehab? Why can't we connect emotionally anymore? How come he is forgiving himself before he even asks me for forgiveness? etc. I have jumped fence from anger to forgiveness countless times. Mostly I have been supportive, I think...but it has been so hard - especially as more lies are coming out of the word work.
I keep trying to suppress my anger and ignore the voice in my head that is telling me to lash out at him. I know that I want to forgive. I know that I want to heal. I know that I want to move on towards peace and love. I know that he is doing everything he can right now and that for the past 2 weeks he has been doing everything that I want him to do - he is recovering.
But then, I lose my mind. It is so hard to watch him become so holier than thou. He is healing - yay! But I am not. This time has to be about him - and I get that. But, I have been on the "back-burner" for 2 years and now, I have to willingly put myself there again? I have been working my ass off just trying to keep this family above water - and he is getting the best sleep of his life. I sleep maybe 4 hours a night. He keeps telling me only 2 more weeks and he will be home...I find no solace in that. Who will be coming home? This man that is "all better" is going to come home to what? The mess that he made?
I have read and re-read the rehab centers materials for family members. Every time I read them, I find no relief - I just get angry. I hate the word "detach", let alone, "detach with love"....It seems impossible to me. Maybe I am too black and white - I am either all in or all out. I couldn't believe it when I read, “It is possible to have a full and useful life,
though your husband continues to drink. . . Do
not set your heart on reforming your husband.
You may be unable to do so, no matter how
hard you try”
OK, I get that I can't change him, but there is no way I can live a full life while married to this... It's a marriage - a partnership - not something you detach from.
(I also re-read Co_dependent No More)
I don't know, I know that I am just spilling my guts here with no apparent organization and I am sorry.
I feel that he is healing and I am glad that he is. I am not healing though - in fact, I am worse than I was when he checked in. I cry and sob every night. I have screamed so loud that I don't even recognize myself. I feel so abandoned and rejected. I feel that I shouldn't even talk to him anymore, because I am just bringing him down.
(FYI - he has been trying to say all the right things. He is not saying anything mean. He talks to me as much as he can. He is about as humble and patient and loving as he can be...It just doesn't matter - he could be the most loving, charming husband and I still could not snap out of this misery.)
Over the past 6 months of his downhill spiral I had shut all my friends and family out of my life. I was tired of listening to their judgements and their advice of what I should or should not do (they all wanted me to leave him)...
Now I am alone. He is way beyond me in recovery. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so great, that he can still sleep fine even though he knows I am screaming and crying myself to sleep.
I feel that I am the mess that he should just leave behind.
Thank you for listening -
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Old 05-04-2014, 08:48 AM
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Sorry to hear, stay strong and consider a therapist for yourself.
I'm sure someone is going to suggest al anon.
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Old 05-04-2014, 10:04 AM
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Tiggs, hugs to you. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and understandably so. Please try to take care of yourself for these next two weeks while he is in rehab.

Keep posting--you will find a lot of support here. You might also find it helpful to post in the Friends and Family forum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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