anxious and over it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
anxious and over it.
I don't want to deal with this. My life was going pretty good. Then, the addict called and demanded to talk to my son. I replied to him via a letter. In the letter I wanted to know how he was dealing with his addiction. I wanted to know how he would answer my sons questions about being an addict. I told him h can only be in our life if he is healthy. I told him how he hurt my son. I told him how I wish he would treat me with respect. I told him if he was healthy and seeking recovery we would welcome him with forgiveness and love. I told him to write me back and answer my questions AND to write my son a letter. A letter would be a nice way to start after not seeing this man, who moved without telling us, for a year and half. There has been plenty enough time to have gone by for him to get my letter and even respond. NOTHING.
He told me he was making a child support payment a week ago, and did not. Instead he made a payment yesterday. He called me tonight to tell me he made a payment and wants to talk to my son. He told me to call him tomorrow. No mention of the letter or being gone for a year and a half. In fact, anger in his voice. A coldness I know way too well.
So, basically he completely ignored my letter.
Why would anyone in their right mind let their son talk to someone who disappeared for a year in half like there was nothing wrong? Does he even realize how many questions my son will have for him? This is the third time he disappeared. He hurt my son. The second time he disappeared I made some requests (like talking to him, telling him I told our son he is sick) and he fought it tooth and nail. He even lied to my son when I was sitting at the picnic table...and told my son he wasn't sick! Of course my son told me this.
Anyways, I am not responding. I feel bad because there is nothing more than I want for my son to talk to his father. But, it's like here we ago again. Disrespect, manipulation and lies.
WHO DISAPPEARS FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AND REAPPEARS WITH NO EXPLANATION, BUT INSTEAD JUST DEMANDS??????????????????
I don't think I will ever understand his anger towards me. He snorted coke, abandoned me and defaulted on the divorce. I always feel like he hates me. It is confusing and painful.
Anyways, he is definitely not in recovery...right? I will check on this site for signs of recovery.
Anyways, I will ignore. It's my way or the highway.
He told me he was making a child support payment a week ago, and did not. Instead he made a payment yesterday. He called me tonight to tell me he made a payment and wants to talk to my son. He told me to call him tomorrow. No mention of the letter or being gone for a year and a half. In fact, anger in his voice. A coldness I know way too well.
So, basically he completely ignored my letter.
Why would anyone in their right mind let their son talk to someone who disappeared for a year in half like there was nothing wrong? Does he even realize how many questions my son will have for him? This is the third time he disappeared. He hurt my son. The second time he disappeared I made some requests (like talking to him, telling him I told our son he is sick) and he fought it tooth and nail. He even lied to my son when I was sitting at the picnic table...and told my son he wasn't sick! Of course my son told me this.
Anyways, I am not responding. I feel bad because there is nothing more than I want for my son to talk to his father. But, it's like here we ago again. Disrespect, manipulation and lies.
WHO DISAPPEARS FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AND REAPPEARS WITH NO EXPLANATION, BUT INSTEAD JUST DEMANDS??????????????????
I don't think I will ever understand his anger towards me. He snorted coke, abandoned me and defaulted on the divorce. I always feel like he hates me. It is confusing and painful.
Anyways, he is definitely not in recovery...right? I will check on this site for signs of recovery.
Anyways, I will ignore. It's my way or the highway.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I just found this. This pretty much sums it up:
•Experts say that you can sense a person's genuine recovery in under a minute. It hits you like a warm breeze. You just want to go hug them with a big smile. You WANT to talk with them and be around them. [B]A person not in recovery will be controversial, contentious and stressful to be around, making you nervous and uncomfortable.[/B
What confuses me is how long can he pretend he is sober while living with his mom? I guess, who cares!
And the saga continues...
•Experts say that you can sense a person's genuine recovery in under a minute. It hits you like a warm breeze. You just want to go hug them with a big smile. You WANT to talk with them and be around them. [B]A person not in recovery will be controversial, contentious and stressful to be around, making you nervous and uncomfortable.[/B
What confuses me is how long can he pretend he is sober while living with his mom? I guess, who cares!
And the saga continues...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Story, I am sorry this all continues for you...and truthfully, I am highly doubtful that he sent any support payments at all.
The man has removed himself from the life of his child, and worse, he refuses to contribute anything for the child's care.
You can't get blood from a rock, but you can protect your son's emotions by keeping this irresponsible excuse of a man at a distance.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and this man has changed nothing except his location.
Take care of you and your child. That's enough for you to handle.
Hugs
The man has removed himself from the life of his child, and worse, he refuses to contribute anything for the child's care.
You can't get blood from a rock, but you can protect your son's emotions by keeping this irresponsible excuse of a man at a distance.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and this man has changed nothing except his location.
Take care of you and your child. That's enough for you to handle.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Story,
You are trying so hard, to see a sign of something to excuse him, to make it ok for your son to talk to his dad. I can so understand that, loving your son as you do, and wishing beyond anything that he could have some love from his dad. answers. i am so sorry. it must hurt so much.
may I ask how old your son is? if he is quite young, perhaps he does not remember much.
I can understand your anger and hatred. I would feel the same about anyone who hurt my child.
You cannot change any of his junk. You can however, let it go, and move forward with your and your sons lives. and your futures. work on being happy, and perhaps forgiving his sickness. Maybe hope that your son does not learn to hate hm, but to understand his illness, so that he won't think that his dad does not love him. its sad, but you can do a lot to help your son have a good and safe life. You can give him enough love, and happiness in his everyday home life to compensate somewhat, for the loss of his dad in his life.
who knows.... you cannot tell if this person will get recovery or not. his actions will tell. do you know whether he actually got that letter you first sent?
maybe someday , he will be able to be a dad to his son. but for know, with not knowing, you might just take it a day at a time, and make it all about your and your sons happiness, each day.
sometimes we have to let go of the anger . it will taint everything in our world.
hugs
chicory
You are trying so hard, to see a sign of something to excuse him, to make it ok for your son to talk to his dad. I can so understand that, loving your son as you do, and wishing beyond anything that he could have some love from his dad. answers. i am so sorry. it must hurt so much.
may I ask how old your son is? if he is quite young, perhaps he does not remember much.
I can understand your anger and hatred. I would feel the same about anyone who hurt my child.
You cannot change any of his junk. You can however, let it go, and move forward with your and your sons lives. and your futures. work on being happy, and perhaps forgiving his sickness. Maybe hope that your son does not learn to hate hm, but to understand his illness, so that he won't think that his dad does not love him. its sad, but you can do a lot to help your son have a good and safe life. You can give him enough love, and happiness in his everyday home life to compensate somewhat, for the loss of his dad in his life.
who knows.... you cannot tell if this person will get recovery or not. his actions will tell. do you know whether he actually got that letter you first sent?
maybe someday , he will be able to be a dad to his son. but for know, with not knowing, you might just take it a day at a time, and make it all about your and your sons happiness, each day.
sometimes we have to let go of the anger . it will taint everything in our world.
hugs
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Yes, I am looking for any excuse for my son to have contact with his father because I know how much my son misses his dad. That is what I am having the hardest part with. Also, I am scared. I don't want to do anything wrong in the eyes of the court to loose what I have. Which I haven't.
My letter I sent was written with my expectations kindly laid out. It was actually a very kind letter. Very fair letter. When I saw you wrote "hatred" my eyes got really big. No, I don't hate. In fact, I love him. Not in love with him like a husband, but I love him because of the amount time we spent together, and he is the father of my child.
I am very spiritual person and believe in love. I live everyday to the fullest and try to grow with every experience. I am very happy. Sometimes lonely, but I am enjoying my life. Like I said, my life was going pretty good. Letting go of the anger? I'm doing pretty good on this too. Definitely not as angry as I once was. Am I still...of course, but it feels different. It goes away quickly and is replaced with love. But, it always a work in progress. Always a journey. Always growing.
It is hard for me to just ignore him as I made a promise to my son. I keep my promises.
So I am anxious more than anything, because I don't know what in the h3ll is going on with him. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what his intentions are. I don't know what lies he has told his family. I am anxious going to get the mail. I am anxious when I hear the phone ring. I don't want to go back to fighting, lies, manipulation. I don't want to feel HIS anger. I don't want him to hurt my son again. I am scared to ignore him.
What I need to do is meditate and do yoga. I have realized that I will take it one day at a time. But, I don't need nor do I want to go through this anymore. I would love to be friends and peaceful more than anything. But, he doesn't seem to want that. If he did, my son would receive a letter from him.
So yes, I will continue to focus on me and my sons happiness. But, it really is more complicated than that. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be on this site.
My letter I sent was written with my expectations kindly laid out. It was actually a very kind letter. Very fair letter. When I saw you wrote "hatred" my eyes got really big. No, I don't hate. In fact, I love him. Not in love with him like a husband, but I love him because of the amount time we spent together, and he is the father of my child.
I am very spiritual person and believe in love. I live everyday to the fullest and try to grow with every experience. I am very happy. Sometimes lonely, but I am enjoying my life. Like I said, my life was going pretty good. Letting go of the anger? I'm doing pretty good on this too. Definitely not as angry as I once was. Am I still...of course, but it feels different. It goes away quickly and is replaced with love. But, it always a work in progress. Always a journey. Always growing.
It is hard for me to just ignore him as I made a promise to my son. I keep my promises.
So I am anxious more than anything, because I don't know what in the h3ll is going on with him. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what his intentions are. I don't know what lies he has told his family. I am anxious going to get the mail. I am anxious when I hear the phone ring. I don't want to go back to fighting, lies, manipulation. I don't want to feel HIS anger. I don't want him to hurt my son again. I am scared to ignore him.
What I need to do is meditate and do yoga. I have realized that I will take it one day at a time. But, I don't need nor do I want to go through this anymore. I would love to be friends and peaceful more than anything. But, he doesn't seem to want that. If he did, my son would receive a letter from him.
So yes, I will continue to focus on me and my sons happiness. But, it really is more complicated than that. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be on this site.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Story, I really understand your pain and confusion. My husband was a very devoted and loving father and husband. He had a heart of gold.....until addiction. I have been completely shocked by so many things he has said and done. I was left constantly wondering.....who is this man?? It was so hard for me to believe or understand the changes in him.
I finally decided to look at it this way and it helped me so I will share it with hopes it may help you too. For now, my husband's body and brain are just a shell, a host for addiction. His brain is hijacked and it is not operating normally. His own self loathing has been projected onto me especially because I know the truth. Addiction hates me and I hate it!!
IMO, your ex is reaching out to your son for only very selfish reasons. To make him feel better about what an SOB he knows he is. It's always all about them because that is what the addiction needs to thrive.
Trust me, they are NOT happy!! Pictures can be so deceiving. In moments of clarity or shame and guilt, my husband will reach out to me. He tells me how unhappy he is, how he hates himself and his life.....but obviously not enough because he isnt doing anything about it except for continuing to numb himself so he cannot feel his pain.....but he still feels it times and so does your ex.
By not allowing him to speak to your son, protects your son and also forces your ex to feel his own pain. But it's so much easier for them to hate us then to hate their addiction because the addiction lies to them and is running the show.
Hug and kiss that little boy and give yourself a big smile in the mirror. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do what you doing for the right reasons. Be proud of yourself!!
I finally decided to look at it this way and it helped me so I will share it with hopes it may help you too. For now, my husband's body and brain are just a shell, a host for addiction. His brain is hijacked and it is not operating normally. His own self loathing has been projected onto me especially because I know the truth. Addiction hates me and I hate it!!
IMO, your ex is reaching out to your son for only very selfish reasons. To make him feel better about what an SOB he knows he is. It's always all about them because that is what the addiction needs to thrive.
Trust me, they are NOT happy!! Pictures can be so deceiving. In moments of clarity or shame and guilt, my husband will reach out to me. He tells me how unhappy he is, how he hates himself and his life.....but obviously not enough because he isnt doing anything about it except for continuing to numb himself so he cannot feel his pain.....but he still feels it times and so does your ex.
By not allowing him to speak to your son, protects your son and also forces your ex to feel his own pain. But it's so much easier for them to hate us then to hate their addiction because the addiction lies to them and is running the show.
Hug and kiss that little boy and give yourself a big smile in the mirror. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do what you doing for the right reasons. Be proud of yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am truly sorry Story, I did misspeak. Honestly, I think I was thinking of another poster who is consumed with anger ,understandably.
You sound like a wonderful person. I probably have no advice better than what you are already doing. I wish things could be different, as I know how much it means to you for your son to have a loving relationship with his father. I hope this works out. perhaps with more time, these things will work out.
I am sorry, again. Its been a rough week for me, and my brain is not recovered yet..my own dysfunction at home which is making it hard for me to think straight.
I am glad you are here, working on this . I hate the reason you have to be, though.
hugs
chicory
You sound like a wonderful person. I probably have no advice better than what you are already doing. I wish things could be different, as I know how much it means to you for your son to have a loving relationship with his father. I hope this works out. perhaps with more time, these things will work out.
I am sorry, again. Its been a rough week for me, and my brain is not recovered yet..my own dysfunction at home which is making it hard for me to think straight.
I am glad you are here, working on this . I hate the reason you have to be, though.
hugs
chicory
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I think it is wrong to insist that he write a letter to your son. Men in general - even healthy, sober men - do not respond as well to or communicate as well with the written word, as women do. There is a reason why women buy nearly 70% of all books and periodicals.
Does your son want a letter? Did he request a letter? Your ex has asked to speak to your(his) son, does your son know this and said "I need a letter first"? If not, why are you insisting on a letter? If a letter was sent, what are your expectations of the content of said letter? How would you even know the contents of said letter? If a letter was sent, then what? Would it then be OK for your ex to talk to his son?
Everything else you said seems reasonable and healthy boundaries for you. I just have doubts about your insistence on a letter.
Does your son want a letter? Did he request a letter? Your ex has asked to speak to your(his) son, does your son know this and said "I need a letter first"? If not, why are you insisting on a letter? If a letter was sent, what are your expectations of the content of said letter? How would you even know the contents of said letter? If a letter was sent, then what? Would it then be OK for your ex to talk to his son?
Everything else you said seems reasonable and healthy boundaries for you. I just have doubts about your insistence on a letter.
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