Thank you for always being here
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Thank you for always being here
I'm visiting my FOO and will probably have to pay for excess weight on my way back. I'm eating my emotions big time. And I'm so glad I can take a break, check in here, and feel a touch of breathing more easily.
There's a lot of love in my FOO and a lot of dysfunction. But the secrecy covering Horrid Family Secrets vs the Perfect Family picture held up towards the outside... is interesting. And I can't help but think that if I had known the number of aunts and uncles and cousins that had children out of wedlock and served time (oh, so he didn't go to Florida for a university course that summer?) and were addicts ("Cousin Jack is just a little tired so he couldn't make it")... maybe I would not have fought so bloody hard to be PERFECT, kwim?
I totally believed the hype about my FOO. Everyone was good, virtuous, and true. I spent my childhood feeling like "oh SH*T, that's some expectations to live up to!" -- and I think part of why I married AXH was that I was tired of trying to measure up to the rest of the family, and along came someone who was OK with me NOT being perfect...
If I had known, I might have been OK with having a B in Chemistry and missing a few notes at the piano recital (figuratively speaking). As it was, I always felt the wolf of failure breathing down my neck -- not because anyone deliberately put ridiculous expectations on me, but because everyone else was always presented as perfect. I thought I was the only one in the family who wasn't perfect. But I felt like I had to be. I worked hard to be. I neglected relationships in favor of achievements, chasing a goal of perfection that was never there. I couldn't be inside the other people's heads and hearts, but I knew they always looked perfect and I knew how I felt -- and that I had to really overcompensate so that nobody would notice how not perfect I was inside.
I was raised by strong women who married quiet, hardworking men. I believe the much-maligned term "bossy" was probably coined to describe the women in my family. Their idea of a good marriage is having a husband who does what he's told. I never felt competent to tell another person how to run their life because I didn't feel competent enough to run my own. Little did I realize that they're running everyone else's life because they're chasing the same perfection dream I've been chasing.
The really, really good part is that I can take a step back and detach. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. I can zone out of a conversation. I can answer a pokey hurtful question with "Oh, I don't know -- I'd be interested in hearing about the new house you guys were looking at! Would you please pass the bean dip?"
I'm not taking the fights, taking the arguments, facing the dysfunction head on. I've decided if people want to continue hiding behind a facade of perfection, that's their prerogative. I'm an adult, they're adults, we can be civil to each other and I have no obligation to answer nosey questions. I can choose to deflect. And that's what I've done. I can see the frustration in some of the relatives who can't handle not being able to pin me down. And that's OK, too.
There's a lot of love in my FOO and a lot of dysfunction. But the secrecy covering Horrid Family Secrets vs the Perfect Family picture held up towards the outside... is interesting. And I can't help but think that if I had known the number of aunts and uncles and cousins that had children out of wedlock and served time (oh, so he didn't go to Florida for a university course that summer?) and were addicts ("Cousin Jack is just a little tired so he couldn't make it")... maybe I would not have fought so bloody hard to be PERFECT, kwim?
I totally believed the hype about my FOO. Everyone was good, virtuous, and true. I spent my childhood feeling like "oh SH*T, that's some expectations to live up to!" -- and I think part of why I married AXH was that I was tired of trying to measure up to the rest of the family, and along came someone who was OK with me NOT being perfect...
If I had known, I might have been OK with having a B in Chemistry and missing a few notes at the piano recital (figuratively speaking). As it was, I always felt the wolf of failure breathing down my neck -- not because anyone deliberately put ridiculous expectations on me, but because everyone else was always presented as perfect. I thought I was the only one in the family who wasn't perfect. But I felt like I had to be. I worked hard to be. I neglected relationships in favor of achievements, chasing a goal of perfection that was never there. I couldn't be inside the other people's heads and hearts, but I knew they always looked perfect and I knew how I felt -- and that I had to really overcompensate so that nobody would notice how not perfect I was inside.
I was raised by strong women who married quiet, hardworking men. I believe the much-maligned term "bossy" was probably coined to describe the women in my family. Their idea of a good marriage is having a husband who does what he's told. I never felt competent to tell another person how to run their life because I didn't feel competent enough to run my own. Little did I realize that they're running everyone else's life because they're chasing the same perfection dream I've been chasing.
The really, really good part is that I can take a step back and detach. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. I can zone out of a conversation. I can answer a pokey hurtful question with "Oh, I don't know -- I'd be interested in hearing about the new house you guys were looking at! Would you please pass the bean dip?"
I'm not taking the fights, taking the arguments, facing the dysfunction head on. I've decided if people want to continue hiding behind a facade of perfection, that's their prerogative. I'm an adult, they're adults, we can be civil to each other and I have no obligation to answer nosey questions. I can choose to deflect. And that's what I've done. I can see the frustration in some of the relatives who can't handle not being able to pin me down. And that's OK, too.
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Well, I like to think I'm healthier than I used to be. But it's also interesting to see how much alcoholism is a family disease. My great grandfathers on both sides were alcoholics. And while the next two generations (grandparents and parents) were teetotalers (my parents until their 40s, and even now, they very rarely drink), the codependency issues were definitely passed on to the next generation (and my aunt and uncle were both alcoholics).
I can see how my sister, who dated controlling guys, eventually married a guy she could boss around. I can see how my mother gets incredibly nervous and irritated when her plans go awry. Like, if she has planned on having dinner ready at 6 and everyone isn't in the house ready to sit down at the table at 5:30... she starts calling around and making sure everyone is on their way. Even though everyone knows we have eaten dinner at 6 for the past 50 years and nobody is EVER late. Ever.
It's also interesting to see how the women in my family want to micromanage other people's relationships. "Did you see that your father got upset when X said Y? Go talk to him and cheer him up!" or "You and your siblings need to get along. I don't care that your brother insults you every chance he gets; you need to be the bigger person and forgive him and be nice to him because he has had a tough time since his wife died. You need to feel sorry for him."
And there is a lot of that. A lot of instructing other people how they should feel and how they should act towards each other, and a strong tendency to instruct the women to feel sympathy for and take care of and prop up the men. It's really interesting because prior to Al-Anon and recovery work, I didn't notice it -- because it was what I grew up with, I saw it as normal. Women are there to "fix" other people and their relationships. Choosing to not be around people who influence you negatively is not an option; you suck it up and smile and pretend. That's just being mature and polite and civilized. If anyone behaves badly, it can always be excuse by some circumstance in their life. The people who don't behave badly are obligated to put up with the people who do.
I do love my family but there is, I can see, a reason why I moved away from them. Dealing with this on a daily/weekly basis would give me hives.
I can see how my sister, who dated controlling guys, eventually married a guy she could boss around. I can see how my mother gets incredibly nervous and irritated when her plans go awry. Like, if she has planned on having dinner ready at 6 and everyone isn't in the house ready to sit down at the table at 5:30... she starts calling around and making sure everyone is on their way. Even though everyone knows we have eaten dinner at 6 for the past 50 years and nobody is EVER late. Ever.
It's also interesting to see how the women in my family want to micromanage other people's relationships. "Did you see that your father got upset when X said Y? Go talk to him and cheer him up!" or "You and your siblings need to get along. I don't care that your brother insults you every chance he gets; you need to be the bigger person and forgive him and be nice to him because he has had a tough time since his wife died. You need to feel sorry for him."
And there is a lot of that. A lot of instructing other people how they should feel and how they should act towards each other, and a strong tendency to instruct the women to feel sympathy for and take care of and prop up the men. It's really interesting because prior to Al-Anon and recovery work, I didn't notice it -- because it was what I grew up with, I saw it as normal. Women are there to "fix" other people and their relationships. Choosing to not be around people who influence you negatively is not an option; you suck it up and smile and pretend. That's just being mature and polite and civilized. If anyone behaves badly, it can always be excuse by some circumstance in their life. The people who don't behave badly are obligated to put up with the people who do.
I do love my family but there is, I can see, a reason why I moved away from them. Dealing with this on a daily/weekly basis would give me hives.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
Well, I like to think I'm healthier than I used to be. But it's also interesting to see how much alcoholism is a family disease. My great grandfathers on both sides were alcoholics. And while the next two generations (grandparents and parents) were teetotalers (my parents until their 40s, and even now, they very rarely drink), the codependency issues were definitely passed on to the next generation (and my aunt and uncle were both alcoholics).
I can see how my sister, who dated controlling guys, eventually married a guy she could boss around. I can see how my mother gets incredibly nervous and irritated when her plans go awry. Like, if she has planned on having dinner ready at 6 and everyone isn't in the house ready to sit down at the table at 5:30... she starts calling around and making sure everyone is on their way. Even though everyone knows we have eaten dinner at 6 for the past 50 years and nobody is EVER late. Ever.
It's also interesting to see how the women in my family want to micromanage other people's relationships. "Did you see that your father got upset when X said Y? Go talk to him and cheer him up!" or "You and your siblings need to get along. I don't care that your brother insults you every chance he gets; you need to be the bigger person and forgive him and be nice to him because he has had a tough time since his wife died. You need to feel sorry for him."
And there is a lot of that. A lot of instructing other people how they should feel and how they should act towards each other, and a strong tendency to instruct the women to feel sympathy for and take care of and prop up the men. It's really interesting because prior to Al-Anon and recovery work, I didn't notice it -- because it was what I grew up with, I saw it as normal. Women are there to "fix" other people and their relationships. Choosing to not be around people who influence you negatively is not an option; you suck it up and smile and pretend. That's just being mature and polite and civilized. If anyone behaves badly, it can always be excuse by some circumstance in their life. The people who don't behave badly are obligated to put up with the people who do.
I do love my family but there is, I can see, a reason why I moved away from them. Dealing with this on a daily/weekly basis would give me hives.
I can see how my sister, who dated controlling guys, eventually married a guy she could boss around. I can see how my mother gets incredibly nervous and irritated when her plans go awry. Like, if she has planned on having dinner ready at 6 and everyone isn't in the house ready to sit down at the table at 5:30... she starts calling around and making sure everyone is on their way. Even though everyone knows we have eaten dinner at 6 for the past 50 years and nobody is EVER late. Ever.
It's also interesting to see how the women in my family want to micromanage other people's relationships. "Did you see that your father got upset when X said Y? Go talk to him and cheer him up!" or "You and your siblings need to get along. I don't care that your brother insults you every chance he gets; you need to be the bigger person and forgive him and be nice to him because he has had a tough time since his wife died. You need to feel sorry for him."
And there is a lot of that. A lot of instructing other people how they should feel and how they should act towards each other, and a strong tendency to instruct the women to feel sympathy for and take care of and prop up the men. It's really interesting because prior to Al-Anon and recovery work, I didn't notice it -- because it was what I grew up with, I saw it as normal. Women are there to "fix" other people and their relationships. Choosing to not be around people who influence you negatively is not an option; you suck it up and smile and pretend. That's just being mature and polite and civilized. If anyone behaves badly, it can always be excuse by some circumstance in their life. The people who don't behave badly are obligated to put up with the people who do.
I do love my family but there is, I can see, a reason why I moved away from them. Dealing with this on a daily/weekly basis would give me hives.
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wow, lilamy, sounds like my FOO too. none of the men were responsible.
everyone looked to me to fix things. to make everyone comfortable with everyone. when I could not make a get together, my two sisters got angry, because they could not manage to talk to each other and have a good time, without me, the family clown, I guess.
everyone looked to me to fix things. to make everyone comfortable with everyone. when I could not make a get together, my two sisters got angry, because they could not manage to talk to each other and have a good time, without me, the family clown, I guess.
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I know I have a big family.....but I can't believe it is big enough that we are related and don't know it.
January 2013 therapy session. I will NEVER forget the understanding that what I considered "normal" and the part of my family I had wanted to be like were multi-generational co-dependents.....and though it looked good from the outside it was harmful too.
Recently besides anger I am feeling full. Not that I am doing my recovery for anyone else, but that I am trying to recover from my own stuff that has ties in it from before I was born. It is a tangled web to untangle and I already struggle to know what is mine and what is someone elses.
My lovely therapist is trying to help me to see that maybe this is my role in their life....to show and demonstrate recovery. That feels like a lot too. I hope this trip allows you to continue staying with you.
January 2013 therapy session. I will NEVER forget the understanding that what I considered "normal" and the part of my family I had wanted to be like were multi-generational co-dependents.....and though it looked good from the outside it was harmful too.
Recently besides anger I am feeling full. Not that I am doing my recovery for anyone else, but that I am trying to recover from my own stuff that has ties in it from before I was born. It is a tangled web to untangle and I already struggle to know what is mine and what is someone elses.
My lovely therapist is trying to help me to see that maybe this is my role in their life....to show and demonstrate recovery. That feels like a lot too. I hope this trip allows you to continue staying with you.
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See, it's more than the men not being responsible (my dad is very responsible and probably my favorite relative) - it's more that men are not treated as ABLE to be responsible. Like all men are untrustworthy. I resent that.
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I might as well continue my almost-journaling on this post and keep it all in one place.
I visited two of my addict relatives yesterday. In the cemetery. I don't know what the one was thinking -- he died very young. But I know what the other was thinking. Towards the end of his life, he was still drinking, because -- he said -- at that point, it didn't matter anymore and it would probably just have hastened his departure if he had tried to quit. But he said something along the lines of how you don't realize while you're living your life how short it is. And how, if he could go back and talk to his young self, he would have told him to stay away from drinking from the beginning, because drinking made him miss out on so much in life. In addition to 20 or more years he could have hard.
I told them I hoped they were more at peace now. There were birds singing in the tree above their family grave. I hope there are birds in heaven.
I visited two of my addict relatives yesterday. In the cemetery. I don't know what the one was thinking -- he died very young. But I know what the other was thinking. Towards the end of his life, he was still drinking, because -- he said -- at that point, it didn't matter anymore and it would probably just have hastened his departure if he had tried to quit. But he said something along the lines of how you don't realize while you're living your life how short it is. And how, if he could go back and talk to his young self, he would have told him to stay away from drinking from the beginning, because drinking made him miss out on so much in life. In addition to 20 or more years he could have hard.
I told them I hoped they were more at peace now. There were birds singing in the tree above their family grave. I hope there are birds in heaven.
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