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Weed, Whiskey, Money, and Murder: My life. Please read.

Old 05-03-2014, 01:39 PM
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Exclamation Weed, Whiskey, Money, and Murder: My life. Please read.

-Preface

So this is going to be long, but I can safely say it will be one of the more interesting stories you will read today. This post comes from the deepest state of helplessness I have ever experienced. I have read more and more posts on these forums that have made me comfortable enough to share my story,if for no other reason that it is truely my last option to try and get some help. I hope you 1) enjoy my story and 2) are able to offer me some form of empathy, guidance, prayers, and good vibrations.

-My situation

Here are some contextual facts about myself:

My mother was murdered in 2006...The case was ruled a suicide, but she died of 5 stab wounds to the stomach. Unless she was a closet samurai warrior of some sort, I find that cause of death to be highly unlikely.

The case was in the cold case division for some time, but the department closed the division and reassigned the lead investigator.

The context of the whole thing, which is too long and painful to explain, has granted me the knowledge of who did it. I know who killed my mom.

Basically, I grew up in a perfect childhood. My dad was self employed and built a very successful business. I never wanted for a thing. I had the best of everything, whenever I wanted it. My mom was a very special mother and my dad was a hard worker and attentive father. When I was 16, my parents began having problems and separated. My dad focused on his work ever more intensely and my mom took up a new hobby of riding horses. WELL... she eventually made a friend in a barn worker where she rode. This friend was a similar-aged woman, from a rough background. Slowly, my mom began taking on aspects of this friend. from her physical appearances, to her language, actions, character...everything. Over the course of two years, she completed transformed. The friend convinced my mom to leave her home, and go into the horse business with her, which entailed my mom living in a run down single wide trailer with no electricity and out in the middle of nowhere. AT the same time, my mom was working on her masters in psychology. She was doing her case study ON HER FRIEND, (Like I said, its very twisted) and working at a mental health clinic.

After a LOT of drama, I made a sincere effort to accept the new character my mom was embracing, and went and visited her at the secluded trailer. It was a very awkward experience, but we bonded somewhat. A few weeks later, she called my dad and was clear and direct and "Like her old self" according to my dad. She told him she was going to move out from the trailer and get a apartment in the city. The next day, she was dead.

So, the conclusion we have had to go on, since the case is cold, is that when my mom informed the friend she was moving out, she killed her. there is a lot of circumstantial evidence to support it, including the friend trying to become the beneficiary of my moms insurance policy. There is also documented evidence of my mom staying over night at the clinic where she worked because she was afraid to go home to her friend. She also told one of her coworkers that she woke up to her friend standing over here one time as well.

Multiple psychiatrists police and FBI sources have confirmed their OPINIONS that it is a true case of brain washing. My mom was a very trusting person, too trusting, and she also had a long history of mental issues as well. Her dad was a monster.

The main working narrative that my shattered family has tortuously assembled for going on 8 years is this: Just before my parents began having problems, my mom accessed the psychological case files of her father. She had been sexual abused by her father and had repressed the memories and had a psychic break of some sort. My Dad certainly takes his responsibility in handling things and while there is a perception that something "Shady" went down involving him in the death is a rumor throughout my small hometown, I have never really suspected him of it, because he was and is just as lost as I am.

So to get back to the present a bit, (because I could go on and on and on) here is where I am right now:

I was a sophomore english major in college when my mom died. I finished that degree and later finished my Religious Studies degree as well, in honor of my mom kinda. I've worked in the newspaper industry since college, which really means, I've freelanced my butt off for crumbs, working from my own office, in my home, mostly alone. After a month at a daily news website, working from a home office again, in a new city I cracked. I couldn't handle being alone writing all day anymore.

I could easily work for my dad and be handed his company and not have to sweat a cent every again. Everyone in town expects me to do that. But I feel an obligation to cut my own path through the world. The problem is, I have all of these issues in my subconscious that I am projecting onto every aspect of my world, that I am not even living in reality. I've smoked a ton of weed since high school, and I've been in a string of codependent relationships with partners who are liable to abandon me and be untrustworthy. Yet at the same time, I am so hyperaware of any threat of something happening like what happened to my mom, that I take codependent to the extreme.

I am never satisfied in relationships with women, or with my family.
I take everything so personally.
I am currently in a rollercoaster relationship with an AGF and I am aware that I am replaying my mom's relationship through her. I am also aware that the universe presents problems in a pattern until you learn from them. (call it karma, grace, gods will, the force, what have you)

I literally don't know where to begin.
I'm currently seeing a psychologist, who was my mom's guidance counselor, which is nice because she had more access to my mom in the last two years of her life than any of my family.
I've seen medicine men, I've contemplated doing a pilgrimage to Varanassi, India to try and conquer the fear of death. I've pretty much lost my childhood catholicism, mostly because I don't need anymore guilt to bare, but I have considered sucking it up and going to Mass and Confession and spilled the beans similarly to what I am doing now.

I just cannot find myself in a grounded, real sense of myself. I've tried meditation and yoga but I can't stick with it. I am weak-willed and broken. I know the weed is killing motivation and I've got such a good excuse that noone would really blame me. This has built a loop of self victimization in my brain that i CANNOT get out of.

I'm getting closer and closer to going to an Al Anon meeting, but the issue with me smoking, my girlfriend drinking, all our mental issues...everything is intertwined and I don't think I could unwind it all in a group meeting in person. Not yet anyway.

I don't have a job at the moment, and I'm in limbo as far as my living situation. For the last three weeks, I've living with my agf but each friday, we've had a drunken fight, just like we have for the entire 3 years that we've been off and on, either planning a family, or not on speaking terms.

Basically, I am trying to be a man. I am a 26 year old with many qualities of that 16 year old kid that observed my family's slow implosion.

I am trying very hard to not seek vengeance. I am trying very hard to not be reactionary. But in my day to day interactions, I am struggling to control my emotions, struggling to find inspiration, struggling to find meaning, struggling to find empathy and struggling to find love.

The idea in my head is of me being a motivated, inspired writer. At one time, I loved it. But that time has long passed. I imagine myself reading all the time, and writing notes as I stroll through the park...just being "turned on" and "tuned into" life. I dream of writing a novel, memoir, or movie script about all of this junk that is my world, and I vaguely accept the notion that "writing it all out" will be therapeutic. But how do I make ends meet while I do such hard inventory analysis of my mind? How do I success in the real world, when I want no part of it. (Drones over Yosemite now, cell phone zombies)

I don't know how to file away my situation. I don't know what parts of me are authentic, what parts are due to my relationship with my AGF, what parts are reactions from subconscious injuries from my mom's situation...etc.

So, if anyone is still with me this far along, I ask of you:

Please tell me that I will figure this mess out.
Please point me in some kind of direction. I know its "one breath at a time," but I cannot take it one breath at a time when I'm supposed to be establishing myself, becoming a man, finding a stable career, etc.

I'm completely rambling at this point, which means that we've finally locked into the authentic stream of my consciousness. I am lost in the woods. Please someone shine a light.
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Old 05-03-2014, 01:55 PM
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Well. First I would suggest becoming drug and alcohol free.

I had all kinds of trauma/drama/abuse/betrayal in my past as well. I went deeper and deeper into depression and delusion when I was using. The only way out is through it. Sober.

AlAnon or AA/NA would be a great place to start. With a weed habit, you need to clean that out first. Best part is you don't have to figure it all out, just go to meetings. Lots of them.
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Old 05-03-2014, 01:57 PM
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I will try my best.

You mentioned your father only in a vague fashion...
Don't know what your relationship with is, but I think if it's healthy I would stick by the old man. He must have a fee wise thing to say?

I know you want to find your path, but My father died when I was 5, my mom at 33, both to cancer.

If I had my dad alive I would be right beside him, trough the good or bad. He must have hurt with your moms issue?

Just saying, hope I made 10 cents of sense.

Take care
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:01 PM
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Sorry about your mom btw, I was brainstorming to come up with something constructive and forgot to say my condolence.

Hang in there, someone wiser than me will probably have better words ;-)
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:02 PM
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You will figure it out, Jimi. And at only 26, there is no goal in life that has long since passed. It seems you recognize the brokenness of your current relationship. Perhaps you should take a break and go live with dad for a few months, give up the weed and any other substances, keep up with your counseling, and take a sabbatical of sorts to think things through without undue outside influences.

I am sorry about your mom. It sounds like she fell under a witches spell, if you ask me. I know of such women. I also dont think you will be satisfied until you have more answers, and I dont blame you, given the circumstances.

Peace to yiu, my friend. One last piece of advice; give this up in prayer daily. God will lead you in His right direction.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:02 PM
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Hi Jimi, Welcome to the Forum!!

That was an intense read, and I did read all of it word for word, I think most of us probably stumbled across this Forum with some kind of similar lost feeling, nowhere else to turn to, so try a google search and up popped SR.

It's very easy to panic when we think that life is somehow slipping away, and we have yet to achieve or can't see any opportunity to achieve the things we want out of life.

All I can say from my own experience, is life is indeed built 1 day at a time, what we do today will determine the men we will become, the men we want to be in the future and the career we are aspiring to. It all starts with small changes to build the proper foundations.

You can get there, many on SR have carved out a new path in life, when everything seemed a lost cause and the chips were down, and you can to!!
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:20 PM
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Thank you for sharing your inspiring story.

It is your story, your experiences, strengths,
and life up to now. All yours.

Any kind of mind altering drug whether
in the way of smoking, pills, alcohol, it
all affects our minds, body and soul in
one way or another.

I had to learn about my addiction to
alcohol and how it affected me and those
around me 23 yrs ago and for many one
days at a time sober all the way to today.

There were people, places and things
in my life I had to change or make changes
with in order to begin to heal and become
healthier, happier and honest in my life.

It's a process I had to go thru and a
journey in life I continue to go thru
one day at a time.

A journey of a lifetime filled with many
wonderful rewards and promises granted
to us just by living a life of recovery passing
on our own experiences, strengths and hopes
with other still struggling addiction themselves.

I hope and pray you will seek help
you may need to begin to heal and
grow to become happy and healthy
in ur own life.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:21 PM
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There is no statute of limitations for murder.

I can not imagine the burden on you. If it were me- one way or the other- the perp would pay.

You may not heal completely until you get some remedy from her murder.

If it were me- I would make them re-open the case and get justice.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:26 PM
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Stay sober tonight. Pray yourself to sleep and go to confession the next time it's available. The Lord will send the right priest to you. Put one foot in front of the other.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:34 PM
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Welcome Jimi. I'm glad you found us and wanted to share your story. I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced and pray that you'll have some relief from it.

I agree with Bimini - the only way out is through it. Masking our feelings (no matter how justified) is not going to help us. You already realize that or you wouldn't have reached out for some help. I hope sharing here will ease the anxiety and stress of your situation. We care about you.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:35 PM
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Sorry about your mom. I agree that getting sober is a good first step. Finding a sober partner would help too. I'm trying to find my way in this world too but I found that quitting weed and beer has opened up a lot of doors. You can make improvements but it takes time and effort. Good luck buddy.
-Ted
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:39 PM
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I'm so sorry for your past. Like you I know exactly where my problem stems from. The only solution I've found is be loved. No you can't force someone to love you, but love yourself... You sound amazing!
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Old 05-03-2014, 03:33 PM
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I really appreciate the support from everyone. I already feel better after posting. It is so great to be able to find a supportive community. I've always been a forum lurker, aside from a Ryan Adams fan board I'm going to trick out my profile and wade into the water here because I really feel the love from everyone already. My day has gotten better! Thank you!
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Old 05-03-2014, 03:36 PM
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I'm glad.
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Old 05-03-2014, 03:55 PM
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Hi and welcome Jimi

I'm sorry for the tragedy in your life. Trauma like that haunts us.
A lot of us turn to alcohol or other drugs to gain some respite.

Sadly for some of us occasional use becomes a reliance and that reliance becomes an addiction.

I lost myself for many years. To find myself again I had to get clean and sober first.

It's a leap of faith but it's not a very risky one - there are lots of success stories here.

You're young and obviously intelligent - you have everything going for you in this fight
I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor.

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here too

D
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Old 05-03-2014, 04:06 PM
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Welcome, and I'm glad too, that you are seeing a counsellor. I think the process could be very helpful for you.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother and the trauma it caused in your life. I hope that you will continue to seek answers. Being sober will, I think, give you the base that you need. I do not believe that you are weak-willed or broken, but you need a firm base to continue to grow in your life. I hope that you won't give up on yoga and meditation. I do understand that it's hard to stick with them, but it is with those things that I am able to find many answers.
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Old 05-03-2014, 04:07 PM
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Welcome to SR! You'll find lots of support here.
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Old 05-03-2014, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by JimiH576 View Post
So, if anyone is still with me this far along, I ask of you:

Please tell me that I will figure this mess out.
Please point me in some kind of direction. I know its "one breath at a time," but I cannot take it one breath at a time when I'm supposed to be establishing myself, becoming a man, finding a stable career, etc.

Yes, I'm with you this far, I read everything very carefully.

First, very sorry for your tragic loss. Proud of you for not seeking revenge. I can only think about your story on spiritual point of view, I hope it do not annoy you (and I think you seem to be open to it).

Yes, you will figure this out. Just takes time. Have to figure out what you have to learn from all of it. In a spiritual way.

I think you should focus on taking good care of yourself. Whatever it means. See, I have traumas too. Maybe not so terrible as yours, maybe worse. 10 years ago I found I was not able to work anymore. Still can't. Still taking care of myself. Yes I was supposed to get a "stable career, establish myself", people expected that, but I did what I could. People judge, expect things, people don't have a clue. So I try to live my life regardless of what I was supposed to be doing (have a job, have children, have normal life, have friends).


In my point of view, if one receives from "the Universe" material advantages and huge emotional/ psychological challenges, well it seems to me this person should not struggle to make money (career pressures, society pressures) because obviously he has enough to deal for now. Use material advantages to aid the emotional challenges. I live like that. No work, just healing one day at a time. Maybe I will never heal. But for me, to work is a heavy burden; for other people, working is essential to keep some mental health, so you have to see what applies to you.

Great thing you are doing on seeing a therapist. I do it too. About the catholic church, I risk saying you are best off it. Spirituality is a great thing, religion not so much (my opinion). But sometimes religion can work for some people (not for me anymore). Praying helps a lot. Meditation surely will help too... I also can't stick with it, it's difficult for everyone. You are not weak-willed, you are just human. Spiritual reading is a helpfull thing too.

As regard of taking good care of yourself, quitting pot and alcohol would be a huge step. Not easy though. But so much worth it. In a spiritual way too.

PM me anytime. Hang in there.
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Old 05-03-2014, 04:21 PM
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Sorry to hear the tragic news, but you certainly seem to be pretty self-aware. That's important. I'm betting you're a pretty talented guy and probably heard others tell you so along the way...maybe you figured "things would just work out" and now you've found yourself at a crossroads at age 26? Maybe you're seeing old friends get married, or seeing others in your peer group with fancy jobs and real money. You might be wondering where you went wrong? You might feel like everyone else has direction...but you're feeling lost.

Well, don't worry, buddy. Lots of us have been there and survived to tell the tale. Remember that life is not a race, it's an experience. And nobody's keeping score (even though it feels like it sometimes). Once you can let that go, nothing can stop you.

The only thing that will slow you down and do more damage is abusing alcohol and drugs. I was around your age when I started a 10-year spiral that nearly killed me. I'm pretty happy I quit, and I think you will be too. Don't put the cart before the horse. Ever see someone try and fly an airplane before they know how to drive a car? There's nothing wrong with dreaming big, but you've got to put in the work on the little things. You've proven that you can survive some pretty tough challenges - I'm sure you're more than qualified and capable to handle quitting drugs and booze. I hope you find some support here!
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:21 PM
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Well man i will say you are an excellent writer. You have some God given talents and conscious contact with God will lead you where to go with them. I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. I would suggest as others have, a spiritual program of recovery. It sounds like you are taking steps. Maybe you should turn some things over to your higher power. If you do that daily and stay sober, i think more will be revealed to you.
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