Lovenjoy

just not sure if i'll even post this..... i really need some f to f support and haven't been able to find it. counseling is great but because there is a little one involved in my situation i'm leary of voicing all my fears, he might feel the need to report to dcyf and that is not at all necessary. family really doesn't need the burden of my problems and wouldn't understand anyways. alanon is great yet the people i am closest to there i also know irl so full disclosure doesn't work for me. (yet?) would love to find a sponsor which is something that is not common here, don't know why.

so i am writing here as it's the closest i can get to interactive support and is better than just journaling as input is so helpful. i am tired of being a part of the addiction/recovery scenario. just tired. i don't have trust with ras so authentic conversation is hard. i'm tired of financially supporting him and his daughter. i work hard, make good money and i can't keep up because i am carrying his financial responsibilities. how we got here is a long convoluted story but bottom line we are still here because he is a person with an addiction. i am at a loss as to how to change the financial aspects of the situation. (he has begun job search)

if it wasn't for his daughter i would have him move out of our home. that has become a truth for me. is this something i could voice to him? i don't believe it would better the situation. i have no reason to believe that gd's mom would keep her safe and well (quite the opposite) if ras and myself were not involved in her life. if i made him move out at this point it would mean no contact with my vulnerable little girl, unless and until he could provide stability.

i need to pay more attention to my recovery, i know that. sometimes it feels like doing my recovery work is just a way to avoid reality. i guess it's not. getting better and feeling hopeful and finding some joy helps me look at reality from a different perspective.

i'm just down today. rent week, gd needed shoes, have to grocery shop... i believe i'm getting lies and bs about some things from ras... work is crazy... it's been raining a lot...

i have come a long way, i'm not consumed anymore. ya know, i think part of it is in doing my self care i've come to a point of wanting others to show me more care too... last night i actually kinda voiced this and realized after that what i said was important. it was important that i said it. 'you could show me some patience as i got little sleep, worked all day and am stressed'. my approach to life has changed drastically yet the rest of my world hasn't?

there's no crisis, it's not raining, am having family time today, the birds are loving my new bird feeder, it's the weekend... God's got this - i think i'll let go and stop frowning about what's not right and pay attention to all that is right for the rest of the day!

thanks for 'listening', it helped...

pacificsunrise

hugs and hope to you and your family. it does get harder at times, but you have what it takes to get through this. your outlook on things is an inspiration. stay strong.
pacific

chicory

pacificsunrise is right, Lovenjoy, you are an inspiration.

This is a tough situation , but as you say, God's got this.

I must remember that, every five minutes.

hugs
chicory

Ann

Lovenjoy, the more you focus on your own recovery and keeping your balance along the way....the clearer your answers will become, and they will come when the time is right and you will know what to do next.

Sometimes it is a time for action, sometimes it is a time to be still and contemplate what is best for us and how we can achieve happiness and balance in our lives...no matter how our addicted loved one is doing in theirs.

You sound pretty balanced today, gratitude and enjoying a beautiful day will do that for me too.

Hugs

Lovenjoy

thanks all for your votes of confidence when i have none! so i did end up having an enjoyable weekend, put my worries aside and took care of me. trying to hang on to it today.

in the midst of a crazy morning at work ras calls about a ride to yet another medical appointment. said i'd call back. it stayed crazy here so got back to him and pretty much lost it on him when i heard the 'gaslighting' start. knowing there is a term for the weird conversations that always make me feel crazy has been extremely helpful! i called him out on a lie he told me a few days ago (related to today's appointment) and i lost it when he said 'i didn't say that'. told him i was more than sick of the crap and a few more things, i wasn't screaming or anything (at work) but i was really angry! he got silent, real silent then defensively said he'd find his own way there. i said good and hung up.

because i didn't pursue things this weekend i could see he felt all was fine and he had got away with his bs. all wasn't fine i just didn't want to engage. was sitting on it not sure if i would do anything but if so i could approach things in a calm manner. so much for that! when he got stone cold silent, i could sense - i don't know, shock? like i had turned into an alien or something. that's fine. because it is not business as usual as far as i am concerned.

the codie in me has been arguing that i shouldn't have blah, blah, blah - but i'm not listening! maybe would have been better to not have said it in anger but the bs has to stop! it is not ok to lie to me. it is not ok to try and make me feel crazy. it is not ok to abuse my support. if he says my behavior is an excuse to use, that's his choice not mine.

whew! feeling a bit empowered actually.

maybe a bit off topic but not really, another thing happened this morning that had me reviewing codie behavior and changes in myself. i got a text from someone in aa. i helped this person out quite a bit maybe 6 months ago, glad to do it. she's someone i had felt a connection to for a long time. we had been meeting for mutual support for awhile when she had a crisis. anyway... after things settled down for her things got more crazy for me. when i reached out she became pretty unavailable. then a few months ago she called me to see how i was doing and spent the whole time talking with her husband and sorting out a cupboard and saying yeah go on. it was pretty offensive and i cut the call short. haven't heard from her in 3 months. then a text this morning, 'how's it going, i just had surgery.' it just hit me bad. am i really a codie on call? sheesh.

for anybody who has had the patience to read this, i'm amazed and thankful! i feel like i just spewed out poison and i apologize, i had to get it out! i can't keep making myself crazy by keeping it in, so out it comes..... now for some calming meditation in the park in the sun, then back to work!

what did i ever do without SR?!