CodeJob

I am crazy. My attempts to save my marriage are quite boundless and I must say I ignore and demote the truth signs all over the place that done is done. I still do not know how to let go.

So this week I get a wild idea to go away for a night with RAH. I pull it off and yesterday afternoon I pack up and toss everything in the back of my car. I am so excited to surprise him. I am strict in my mind that I will put no expectations on him. Just spend time with him. Which allows my folks alone time with DS.

H comes home from work and I tell him we are going out for dinner - just the two of us. He insists we take his truck and I refuse. So we fight over cars! He leaves to put gas in his truck and I realize he wanted to be responsible and not leave my parents with a vehicle on empty. Oops CJ! Not a good start to night away. I pull myself together while he is at gas station and do a quick act of service. We get in my car and in the driveway he gives me a tortured look and says, "We aren't going away are we?" My heart is crushed again and we haven't even left yet! So I admit yes and then he whines about the crucial things I forgot - which I run I to the house and grab in less than 60 seconds. We drive silently to the hotel. My H has his defenses up and I finally tell him don't worry I am just giving us some time away. I packed him pajamas. . But he remains walled off.

The hotel has recently been renovated. So my SR friends KNOW what color is all over! I'm walking down the hallway to our room and feeling like the color orange is making me sick. I have been seeing this nasty color all over and here it is mixed with yuck green and gold again in some twisty sickening pattern. I was seriously worried about the room but it is green with white texturing. Not one stitch of orange in the room. Thank you HP.

So then I had thought we'd just eat at hotel, but he does not like the menu or the prices. We go out to the car and mess with my car Nav system which seriously sucks. BUT I remember a very nice restaurant nearby and we put it into the Nav system and away we go. The NAv system takes us through a condo complex to get to restaurant. It is seriously terrible and I am glad to see it finally showed itself to be the idiot it is with RAH in car. Anyway, we actually get seated right away and the meal is beyond awesome. But we don't really talk other than about food. It is loud and I can tell he is irritated and cannot hear when I do try to talk. He is seriously got walls up and I am going into disassociation/observation...

We go back to hotel and head to whirlpool. No dice it is too hot. Maintenance is "fixing" it. We sit there a few minutes drinking sparkling water and my H says to me, "What is wrong with you? You look so sad." Oops. My face is really too much inline with my thoughts. We go back to room and try to take bath - water is not hot enough. We take a shower and it is OK. I bury my disappointment and just accept that this was a bad idea. I fall asleep by 10 and actually sleep all night! YAY! I wake up at 5:20 and meditate. H is up complaining about how early I wake up (he does too) but I fall back asleep until 6:30. YaY!

So here it is another day with Mr. Emotionally Withdrawn. I hope somewhere I get credit for not losing it with him. I am starting to suspect I am too sweet and nice for my H. I am starting to see ME again. I am separating my identity from RAHs. Which is good for me - but bad for my marriage.

MissFixit

Hi CodeJob,

That sounds like a very nice effort on your part to please him and make him feel loved. Very thoughtful.

Do you think you might be treating him the way you wish he treated you? But, he is just not in the same place? All evidence points to him not wanting a romantic night away (from your earlier posts). What did you want or expect him to do/How did you expect him to react? It is like going to the hardware store for bread. (Side note, there are many rugged men in hardware stores...maybe you should visit one hehehehe).

I used to put boyfriends on pedestals and treat them the ways I wanted to be treated. I doted on them. My forcing or trying to manipulate love from them never seemed to work. It really only magnified the gulf between where I was and where they were in terms of what they wanted in a relationship.

I feel for you.

Mango blast

You're not crazy. (((hugs)))

It sounds like you had a lot of expectations of yourself and your husband. That leaves a lot of things to go wrong. I'm so glad your hotel room wasn't orange!

Our daughter had a terrible date night with her husband where everything went wrong. Bad hair day, changing plans, etc. Nothing actually bad on a regular day, but all horrible to her at the time. She kept crying about everything. He asked what was wrong. His response was perfect for her because of how they are together -- he laughed. And then she laughed with him with red eyes, tears and still upset.

She told me that now they both state their expectations for a date or weekend away. Sometimes it's what they each want to do - they might each pick something during the same night or for one date one person chooses, then the next the other person does. It can also be what they'd like to get out of the date, is it to have some fun, to relax together or ?? Then how to accomplish that. I look at it as setting a 2-Do list. If there are simple common goals for just a couple things, or even just one thing, that's easier to manage and concentrate on. If a relaxing dinner or really good food is the point, how best to do that? If the restaurant chosen isn't working, are you willing to walk out and go elsewhere, maybe even pay for your food and take it to go or call it a disaster and cancel the order or not eat it, or do you suffer through but change something else for the night like having dessert somewhere else or scrapping plans and coming up with something new?

I'd like to go hiking with my husband. He has a really hard time relaxing and wants a purpose instead of the journey. Before we do this together some time, I need to think of what I'd like out of it and how to communicate that.

Baby steps. Trying something and having it not turn out doesn't mean never doing it again. I'll be you learned some things you'll be asking for the future when making reservations -- starting with is your hotel orange? Are the rooms or beds orange?

embraced2000

dang, CJ! reading your post made me squirm. your recount of your night away with hubby put me right back into the zone that I had experienced with my XAH.

wish I had some wise insight to share.....all I have is my experiences. here we go.........

I, too, would often try to arrange what I considered would be a nice time for us. it always went south. I would get anxious, fixated, obsessed, overthink the whole thing, and basically melt into a puddle at my feet.

feelings of being inadequate, frustrated, and stupid would pound like a heartbeat in my head as I would try relentlessly to salvage the "special event".

each attempt at salvaging would go awry....e.g. the hot tub water temp., bath water temp., nav. system sucky, menu issues, waking up too early, etc......

in retrospect, i can now revisit and ponder that maybe although i was trying to not have expectations from my XAH, maybe i was having unrealistic expectations for MYSELF.

all of the things you described about the "speed bumps" of your night away, (just as the speed bumps i would encounter in my attempts), are really just everyday, little things that don't warrant the anxiety they created in myself.....it was really about how i reacted.

that reaction was almost controlled panic with the codie voice screaming in my head....
"START HAVING FUN. NOW. IMMEDIATELY. I JUST WANT THIS TO BE NICE. COOPERATE. NOW. I'M TRYING SO HARD. ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET? COME ON"

course, i never really articulated the above statement, but it was conveyed nonetheless in my body language, demeanor, cadence of voice, and probably by my frozen smile on my face.

i'm just saying.....i know how this feels. i understand the anxiety and obsessive thinking that springs from having expectations....rather from him, or myself.

and, let's hope next color craze is anything but orange, eh?

dandylion

WoW, CodeJob----I just got to thinking that when a couple really wants to be together, they are happy eating a hot dog from 7-eleven and the doing "it" in an orange car--in the pouring rain--on a cold night--in a parking lot--in a seedy part of town. Then revel in the great time that they had! Nothing..I mean nothing seems to interfere.

Just saying........

dandylion

involved

Maybe there is some enlightenment for you in this booklet pdf.
http://saphonemeeting.org/images/Living_Sober.pdf
Specificlly the section about emotional entanglements. There maybe an aha for you at the bottom of pg 42

Mango blast

My husband and I want to be together. We have so much emotional garbage and our own problems in the way right now, it's going to take some time to get back to this point. We're both okay with that. I love what you wrote. We'll be there some day. It's okay if it's not today. Progress, not perfection. Some days just learning what doesn't work tends to be progress.

marie1960

Code job, I was feeling the tension and anxiety just reading your post.

You certainly have gone the extra mile in this circumstance.

They say timing is everything, perhaps he just cannot meet you halfway at this time.

Guess it all comes down to what you consider an acceptable standard of living.

I remember when my marriage was crumbling, the ill fated attempts, even in the moment, we had become strangers, it felt like I was living someone else's life, as I could not believe life had come to this point, I was sitting in a restaurant with my husband, and I could no longer find the words, actually I was all out of words, everything had already been said..........

Sending you support, wishing you peace, my friend.

NWGRITS

What's best for YOUR emotional well-being trumps what's best for your marriage. Just saying. If you aren't having your needs filled, then the marriage can't work. One person can't do it alone. Marriage is a partnership, and it doesn't seem like you have a very willing partner.

involved

From living sober pg42

We have seen such relapses happen in several ways. In the early relief and delight of getting well, we can whip up enormous crushes on new people we meet, both in AA and outside it, especially when they show genuine interest in us, or seem to gaze up at us in admiration. The giddy rapture this can bring makes us highly susceptible to a drink.
An emotional opposite can also be the case. We may seem so numb that we are almost immune to affection for a while after stopping drinking. (Clinicians tell us it is common for people to have no interest or very much ability in sex for many months after stopping drinking—but that problem straightens itself out beautifully as health returns. We know!) Until we are assured that the numbness will pass, going back to drinking appears an attractive "remedy," which leads to even worse trouble.

MissFixit

I read this passage from the link you posted. The question that I have is what is the time frame? Yes, it varies for everyone, but if someone has been sober for a year or more and this numbness still exists, then what? What if they never "turn it around."

embraced2000

some couples in recovery make it. some don't.

just like amongst the "normies" (if there is such an animal)

those that do make it.....wowww! they are splendid people to be around.

the couples in recovery that did make it through this transition will be the first to share that the journey was not an easy feat.

Stung

I'm sending you a big hug. I think you're an awesome wife and a lot of men would be thrilled at being surprised by a night away with their wives. I'm sorry that your husband wasn't more receptive to your very thoughtful and romantic actions.

unsureoffuture

Your post sounds so very familiar. My AH is also emotionally withdrawn. We took a cruise for our 10th anniversary, our first time leaving the kids and going away alone and we barely interacted the entire trip. It was a disaster. It was like he was there physically but not there at all emotionally. He had no intention of reconnecting with me. Walls were up too. It really sucks when you want to connect with your partner and can't. I understand exactly how you feel. It's disappointing and lonely. It's good that you are separating yourself. Do things for yourself that make you happy. I have learned to have more of a life outside of AH and it makes me happy. Make new friends, try to enjoy yourself outside of Your RAH. Join a club, hobby or fitness class. Go do things you want to do. I started Zumba classes and met so many great people. Your H May or may not come around as he continues to work his recovery but at least you will have a solid foundation to fall back on. It feels like you are distancing yourself but you are not, the distance is already there.

AnvilheadII

H comes home from work and I tell him we are going out for dinner - just the two of us. He insists we take his truck and I refuse. So we fight over cars! He leaves to put gas in his truck and I realize he wanted to be responsible and not leave my parents with a vehicle on empty. Oops CJ! Not a good start to night away. I pull myself together while he is at gas station and do a quick act of service. We get in my car and in the driveway he gives me a tortured look and says, "We aren't going away are we?" My heart is crushed again and we haven't even left yet! So I admit yes and then he whines about the crucial things I forgot - which I run I to the house and grab in less than 60 seconds

ok, my spidey senses went off three times in the above paragraph.

he INSIST you take HIS truck. why? what is it about that truck or perhaps what is IN the truck that is so important?

then he takes off in the truck to go get gas - exactly how far did your folks need to drive, just in case?

then when he returns he finds excuses to send you back in the house while he "transfers" from truck to car. and then pouts the rest of the evening because you two are together the entire time and he doesn't get "time" to himself......

i gotta wonder how much of what YOU see as emotionally withdrawn is something else.

Hammer

True dat.

There is supposed to be some AA or Alanon saying . . . . "stop going to the hardware store for bread"

CodeJob

Thanks everyone.

It was a wild long weekend celebrating DS's bday.

After I wrote my post about The Wall above I took a shower and started packing. I was mostly ignoring RAH as he was tripped out on too much caffeinated coffee. He was anxious to head off to a greasy spoon for breakfast so I was trying to be methodical and efficient with getting ready and leaving neatly.

I can now confirm that perhaps 40% of my craziness is lack of physical intimacy.

RAH told me I over analyze things to the nth degree. You think? .

inpieces314

If he weren't an alcoholic, it would be good for your marriage for you to focus on yourself. Just keep that in mind, this is normal behavior, which is why it seems so abnormal to you, because you aren't used to it.

Gotta love yourself before you can love others, or so I heard.

dandylion

CodeJob---is it really that important to leave a hotel neatly? How much is there to pack after one evening? As long as you guys didn't trash the joint..who really cares?
Maybe this is not an important central point, right now......maybe it is just me having trouble relating....?

dandylion

CodeJob

Ah I was too vague. Sorry. My 16 month clock got reset.