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Need advice about a friend/fellow alkie

Old 05-03-2014, 05:21 AM
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Need advice about a friend/fellow alkie

O.k. so I have this neighbor guy who I have been friends with for about 3 years now. The friendship did start in the bar, but has evolved to more than that. He is only a couple houses down from me in the town I live in (very small, only 128 people here) and I go over in the mornings quite often to see how he is and talk, etc.

Although the relationship started out as a drunken one, now I see him when I and him are sober probably at least 2/3 the time (only 1/3 spent drinking together).

Here is where I need some help: Now that I am sober and planning on staying that way, I find myself resentful when he goes out with friends to party and get drunk. I also find myself resentful of some of his other friends as they are not the most savory of characters. (Between his drinking and some of his "friends," he has continually been in legal trouble ever since I have known him).

I would like to keep him as a friend as there aren't many people in this tiny town to be friends with and I do really like to be around him when he is sober (hate being around him when drunk). He is a great person sober.

So how do I get rid of this feeling of resentment towards him? Is there also some other feeling I am not aware of (I am a codependent so sometimes having my own feelings about things is hard to come by and I am never completely sure what they are sometimes).

Your advice is appreciated. Thanks everyone.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:45 AM
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sorry you are having issues gibbons, I wish I could help you I'm not a psychologist,
one thing that you point out is that your relationship developed over drinking, you are no longer drinking, your friend is still drinking and spending time with other drinking friends,
it is unfortunate that you live in a small town with few options, but if you continue to pine for this relationship, I believe you will eventually go back to drinking again,

without knowing more, that's all I can deduce

Don't let this get in the way of your sobriety. When you have more sober time and start to figure out who you really are this may become a non-issue. Are you working a program other than just abstinence? I can't imagine an AA group being close to you as you describe it. Being newer to sobriety you must learn to develop as a person without alcohol. Much of what we did or how we reacted in situations will need to change. You cannot hold on to old ideas and thinking. And you cannot expect others to embrace the 'new' you right away - if ever. Does your friend know you quit drinking? Is he supportive? Is he a real friend, not just a drinking buddy?
Good luck, hang in there and stay strong. You are doing this for yourself - no-one else.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:45 AM
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Thats a tough one, I guess you just have to decide if being around him is worth whatever pain its causing you that you feel resentment about. I am still early in my recovery, 10 weeks, and I find I have very little patience for others actively drinking, including neighbors, family, etc. I try not to be judgmental, realizing that I was on the other side myself, and I guess that in itself is progress. But for me, I give myself a pass on this one, and choose to be a little more picky about my relationships, as part of my early recovery. Maybe when I have some more time under my belt, I can be more understanding. good luck.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:52 AM
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Brain, he is a real friend I believe, yes. We have gone to lunch and dinner together, taken road trips, etc. all while him and I are both sober.

He works full-time (sometimes 7 days a week), but in his free time, yes, he gets drunk.

I know he is an alcoholic and he has said he doesn't care whether I drink or not. Yet the fact that HE still does bothers me and yes, makes me wonder if I should continue the friendship.

However, me being in this tiny town leaves me with very few options for friends and I do enjoy his company. We even started a vegetable garden together this year, so how can I not go over to his place to weed the garden, etc.?

I do believe this will be a nonissue with more sober time and perhaps I will make other friends at some point, but I don't believe me ending the relationship at this point would be helpful because then I am going to be more isolated here and that I believe is worse. (And would probably lead me to drinking more so than the friendship).

I am trying to work the AA program as I did in the past, but I am do not attend meetings in person. My recovery is all on-line here, in an AA chat room and whatever books I am reading for support.

Sigh. I am so on the fence about all of this.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:59 AM
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And he went out last night, because he has a three-day weekend (which he doesn't often get as he was working 7 days a week there for quite a while) and it just pissed me off. I was thinking, "Why does he have to do this? Can't he see all the legal issues he has had with alcohol and what a great person he can be when sober?" "Why is he so stupid?"

With him being an alcoholic too, he just doesn't care. He is 61 years old, so he has been an alkie for quite a while and even after all the issues with the law, he still thinks its fun.

I know I can't make him quit or control him, it just feels like I am banging my head against the wall on this one.
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Old 05-03-2014, 06:12 AM
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Gibbons - this is so timely for me. I am in a similar situation. Have been for a long time with some people in my life who are active and no plans of stopping.

I get angry when I know they are on benders and don't care about the consequences. I think to myself "can't you SEE that being a drunken fool at 55 is NOT ok" but then I remember how I was a part of those benders for a long time and while I was doing it I thought anyone who didn't just wasn't as cool as me or they couldn't "control" themselves like I could. Yeah right. What a lie to myself.

Anyway, it is not endearing to me when I hear about lost weekends and ridiculous shenanigans nor is it funny. Now it is just sad and pathetic. I find myself very judgemental and annoyed.

I know the answer to this question. I must sever the relationship. But like you, this is not easy as I don't have a wide social network. But after these few years of being sober I know this is not going to change unless I change it.

I think you know the answer too. Just easier said than done.

Thanks for sharing - you helped me today.
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Old 05-03-2014, 06:39 AM
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ah ha! I get it now. I see your resentment.
1) That you are losing time with someone due to alcohol - you can't play in his sandbox anymore.
2) You want to rescue your friend and get him to play in your sandbox.

You cannot control your friend from drinking, he will gravitate toward those that still do.
You can still maintain a friendship. But you just have to set boundaries around it.
Eventually you will be more comfortable. Focus on the common ground. You do not have an exclusive friendship with this person. He needs his space too. Unfortunately some of his space involves drinking and you're no longer in the club.

The analogy of the day is this: Suddenly a good heathen friend becomes a born again Christian and falls hook line and sinker for it. Aside from his new found revelation, his mission is to also bring you into the fold. And you think he's nuts.

Same goes for alcohol. I am not trying to change anyone. Even so, there are still some people who think I'm nuts saying I will never drink again. How can you enjoy life without drinking? ETC.

Lead by example. Do not begrudge someone something they enjoy doing. Maybe when he sees how much better you have become he may want to look into it. If something unfortunate should happen to him as a direct result of alcohol, maybe then you can offer a suggestion on how you improved your life.
The main thing is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
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Old 05-03-2014, 07:19 AM
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Maybe you should spend some time on the Family & Friends of Alcoholics forum. You may find some very helpful comments and advice there. Worrying and fretting about what your friend is doing while you're not with him sounds very co-dependent to me. What he does with his own time is his business - your concern should be how you live YOUR life, not how he chooses to live his.
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Old 05-03-2014, 07:45 AM
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I would take a 3 month break from the friendship.

Reach out and cultivate other friendships too.
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Old 05-03-2014, 08:13 AM
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Why do you resent this guy's drinking? I don't understand.

Seems like living one life is enough, no need to try to live the life of the guy up the block, too. He's not your child or your ward. As long as he's not tearing up your turnips in a drunken rage or urinating on your front porch, live and let live, I say.

Again, I wonder - why does it bother you that this guy drinks? People in the thread are making guesses, but only you can really answer that question.
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:14 AM
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As long as he's not tearing up your turnips in a drunken rage Thanks Notmyrealname, that made me laugh so much. There's a 'yet' we all need to be mindful of!!

Gibbons2, to your question; for now I'd continue to cultivate the veg patch, assuming he joins you there to tend the veg soberly. It's neutral territory, you can touch base and keep contact if that's what you want to do, without entering into his drinking or your sobriety. As others have suggested, if it were me, I too would focus greater energy on cultivating new friendships, and establishing a sober lifestyle for myself.

Wish you well
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:23 AM
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All or Nothing thinking is a stock in trade for alcoholics, isn't it?

You don't have to 1.) Go on road trips or 2.) Never talk to him again.

Put some boundaries on the relationship. "I would love to spend time with you, but I cannot be around you when you are/have been drinking."

That boundary is for you. Not for him. Stick to it.


You can still be friends with him. Just don't put yourself in dangerous situations, like going out of town with him, or allowing him to be the driver when/if you go somewhere. I have friends who drink. When they do, I'm not around. Doesn't mean they are bad people, and who knows, maybe your sobriety will begin to look attractive to him.

In the meantime, pray for him.
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:05 PM
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I know, I know, I know, I know and yes, I drank. I know, me caring about myself is the "big cause." to whatever. I know, I shouldn't care about him, me, or whatever. I know. Life is whatever it is and who gives a f*ck.

I shouldn't want to keep friends if they are "bad for me." Yep, and then the other alternative is to be alone. I was alone, for 7 years sober. Yeeeeeeeeeeee haaaa!

So great to be Miss Perfect, sober, me in control of the world. I don't care. Who gives a crap about a loser friend who I do not respect?

Someone I DO NOT WANT TO REALLY KNOW, but have no one else? How stupid.
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Gibbons2 View Post
I know, I know, I know, I know and yes, I drank. I know, me caring about myself is the "big cause." to whatever. I know, I shouldn't care about him, me, or whatever. I know. Life is whatever it is and who gives a f*ck.

I shouldn't want to keep friends if they are "bad for me." Yep, and then the other alternative is to be alone. I was alone, for 7 years sober. Yeeeeeeeeeeee haaaa!

So great to be Miss Perfect, sober, me in control of the world. I don't care. Who gives a crap about a loser friend who I do not respect?

Someone I DO NOT WANT TO REALLY KNOW, but have no one else? How stupid.
Perhaps you should sleep it off and reassess tomorrow. Takjng care of yourself needs to be your number one concern.
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:40 PM
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After more than two years of sobriety some of my drinking friends are just a drag. A couple of them are a legal problem for me. We used to be very close and now I'm going to the lawyer again. The idea of that reality never even occurred to me in early sobriety. Word to the wise.
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Old 05-06-2014, 06:39 PM
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Hard to do Scott, when you are a codependent. Hard for me to care about myself. I have never really done this.

Yet .... I am. Yet I feel so overwhlemingly for all of you. Funny, isn't it? I am an alcoholic, not a horrible one, by my own diagnosis, but certainly one, nonetheless.

If I could save the world, I would save it. If I could make my life perfect, I would have done it. If I could make my neighbor perfect ... he would be.

And everything I read here is so sad. I read this book I just got, read it in only about three days, "Broken," by William Cope Moyers, son of a "rich man," an influential man, nonetheless. Addicted? You bet. Addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol.

This changes us, you know. It actually changes your brain chemistry. It truly is a PHYSICAL addiction at some point, not just a choice.

Not something that is morally wrong. Not some big lapse in social inability, not a moral weakness, not just being a "schmuck."

Perhaps the reason I say this is because I have always thought this way. When my Dad was a drunk, "of course I would never be an alcoholic." Like him, yet I am.

And why the h*ll should I feel bad? I have hidden in the "shadows" of my addiction for too long. Felt, yes indeed, like a schmuck. Like there is something wrong with me. My friend, my "neighbor," like me associating with so and so made me a bad person.

And you know what? Maybe it doesn't. Just because society thinks I am bad because I have this big "flaw," doesn't mean I am that way.

And that leads me back to my neighbor. How can I cut off someone who I know (just like dear old Dad) is just like me and say they are not "good enough?" They are not worth knowing or associating with because I decide to get sober?

What right do I have to judge them and make them a parayia? (sp?) What right do I have to say I am "better than they are?" And walk away.

All I know is, whether I believe or not (still questionable) is that alcohol really does change your cells in your brain. You may not really be at fault for the addiction that you have.

Maybe I am not. Maybe I am not a "bad person" because of this disease.

Maybe, just maybe it is who I am.
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Old 05-06-2014, 06:43 PM
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Not only that. Maybe I am just sick and tired of feeling like a "freak." And like I read in the book, there is alot of stigma with alcoholism and drugs. Even Alcoholics Anonymous is that way? Why should I be? Anonymous, that is? Or is it because everything thinks I am such a moral weak person because of it?

Is that fair, is it? To any of US?
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Old 05-06-2014, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Gibbons2 View Post
Not only that. Maybe I am just sick and tired of feeling like a "freak." And like I read in the book, there is alot of stigma with alcoholism and drugs. Even Alcoholics Anonymous is that way? Why should I be? Anonymous, that is? Or is it because everything thinks I am such a moral weak person because of it?

Is that fair, is it? To any of US?
Sobriety is merely one facet of my life. It allows me to function much more effectively than when I was drinking. You can choose any path you want Gibbons.
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Old 05-10-2014, 09:06 AM
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Anyway, it is not endearing to me when I hear about lost weekends and ridiculous shenanigans nor is it funny. Now it is just sad and pathetic. I find myself very judgemental and annoyed.

IWillWin,

Yes, I get angry over it. It makes me not respect him that he doesn't even SEE that he has a problem. He doesn't even care.

Again, I wonder - why does it bother you that this guy drinks? People in the thread are making guesses, but only you can really answer that question.

Notmyrealname,

I resent it because he is the only friend I have in this tiny town. I guess that is why. Not that I can do anything about it. Just trying to change someone who doesn't want to change I guess.

I came to the conclusion I will TRY to continue with the vegetable garden. If it doesn't work, oh well. He also posts "funny" stuff about drinking on Facebook. I read one more post from him about drinking and I am going to take him off my Facebook feed. I plan on telling him all of this as well.

Thanks for the advice guys. (and gals).
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Old 05-10-2014, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Gibbons2 View Post
[I]
I came to the conclusion I will TRY to continue with the vegetable garden. If it doesn't work, oh well. He also posts "funny" stuff about drinking on Facebook. I read one more post from him about drinking and I am going to take him off my Facebook feed. I plan on telling him all of this as well.
.
I deactivated my facebook account a couple of years ago. It was one of the best things I ever did. Seems it's hampering your sobriety and daily life..try it out.
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