Struggling With No Contact
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2
Struggling With No Contact
Hi Everyone,
I have been really struggling with no contact with my husband whom I am separated from. I haven't seen him in over 2 months and haven't had any contact with him in over a month.
I have been married almost 6 years. I left him last November after finding out he had been in contact with a prostitute... again. I had been through so much with him throughout the years with his drinking, hiding empty vodka bottles, emotional/verbal abuse when drunk, and frequently responding to CL ads trying to hook up for casual encounters, and contacting prostitutes. He always denied following through meeting any of these women, but the last evidence I found I knew something had happened and I wanted out of the living hell I had been in for too, too long. I told him I was done, and he said I had to leave knowing full well I had very little money, no job, and nowhere to go.
I left, stayed in a shelter, got a part-time job, and found a small room to rent. I had a full STD screen and everything came back negative. I had no contact with him for almost 3 months. I had changed my phone number after I left.Then I got an email from him asking if I was okay. I told him I was, and (dumb me) told him where I worked. I did not tell him where I lived. We had friendly email exchanges and he asked if we could be friends. I told him ONLY if he was respectful to me. We did see each other only one time after I had left and seeing him again solidified for me that I didn't ever want to be with him again. He started calling me a lot, pressuring me to see him, go out for dinner, that he had some things to share with me. He said he had been going to counseling, and figured out a lot of his problems. I had heard this all before with his apologies, etc. that he was going to change and at this point I was burned out. I told him I didn't need to know what he figured out, but good luck to him, and started to not return his calls, texts or emails. I started to get worried he would show up at my job drunk and embarrass me. This has happened before with my last job. My hours started to get cut back, and I thought it was best I leave the state to stay with a relative, and start my life over fresh without worrying about my husband interfering with rebuilding my life.
I moved out of state and am now staying with a relative. I feel lonely, I'm struggling finding a job, and I feel like I was being mean to not hear him out. I know he was reaching out sincerely, but I also feared it was another way for him to manipulate me in coming back. Perhaps for him, it was both. I have left and returned to him several times over the years, and each time I returned things would be okay for awhile, then the drinking, lying, verbal abuse, and contacting other women would occur all over again despite him vowing he would be good to me, be faithful. I feel he believed what he promised, but I also feel his addiction to alcohol and other women overrode what his promises were to me. I do feel that he loves me, but I know that the kind of behaviors he shows to me when drinking is not love, it's abusive.
When I left the state I changed my number again, and blocked his email address so as to not receive anything that might pull me back in. He has no idea where I am, if I'm okay or not, and I feel horribly guilty. When he is sober he is kind, fun to be around, treats me like a queen. I miss that part of him, but know I can't get the sober him without the drunk part of him.
I'm really struggling with not contacting him. We went through so much together, and I know he is genuinely worried about me. A part of me feels like I need to let him know I'm okay. I just disappeared on him and I feel terrible about this. I have no desire to get back with him. I don't trust him to be honest with me about his drinking and infidelities and I know I deserve better than what he is capable of giving me in a relationship.
I know it's real easy to tell me forget him, move on, don't look back, congratulations for getting out, but I am feeling torn. I really did love him very much. I tried so many times to hang in there hoping for his sobriety.
I don't want to be the a@@hole in all of this.
RBN
I have been really struggling with no contact with my husband whom I am separated from. I haven't seen him in over 2 months and haven't had any contact with him in over a month.
I have been married almost 6 years. I left him last November after finding out he had been in contact with a prostitute... again. I had been through so much with him throughout the years with his drinking, hiding empty vodka bottles, emotional/verbal abuse when drunk, and frequently responding to CL ads trying to hook up for casual encounters, and contacting prostitutes. He always denied following through meeting any of these women, but the last evidence I found I knew something had happened and I wanted out of the living hell I had been in for too, too long. I told him I was done, and he said I had to leave knowing full well I had very little money, no job, and nowhere to go.
I left, stayed in a shelter, got a part-time job, and found a small room to rent. I had a full STD screen and everything came back negative. I had no contact with him for almost 3 months. I had changed my phone number after I left.Then I got an email from him asking if I was okay. I told him I was, and (dumb me) told him where I worked. I did not tell him where I lived. We had friendly email exchanges and he asked if we could be friends. I told him ONLY if he was respectful to me. We did see each other only one time after I had left and seeing him again solidified for me that I didn't ever want to be with him again. He started calling me a lot, pressuring me to see him, go out for dinner, that he had some things to share with me. He said he had been going to counseling, and figured out a lot of his problems. I had heard this all before with his apologies, etc. that he was going to change and at this point I was burned out. I told him I didn't need to know what he figured out, but good luck to him, and started to not return his calls, texts or emails. I started to get worried he would show up at my job drunk and embarrass me. This has happened before with my last job. My hours started to get cut back, and I thought it was best I leave the state to stay with a relative, and start my life over fresh without worrying about my husband interfering with rebuilding my life.
I moved out of state and am now staying with a relative. I feel lonely, I'm struggling finding a job, and I feel like I was being mean to not hear him out. I know he was reaching out sincerely, but I also feared it was another way for him to manipulate me in coming back. Perhaps for him, it was both. I have left and returned to him several times over the years, and each time I returned things would be okay for awhile, then the drinking, lying, verbal abuse, and contacting other women would occur all over again despite him vowing he would be good to me, be faithful. I feel he believed what he promised, but I also feel his addiction to alcohol and other women overrode what his promises were to me. I do feel that he loves me, but I know that the kind of behaviors he shows to me when drinking is not love, it's abusive.
When I left the state I changed my number again, and blocked his email address so as to not receive anything that might pull me back in. He has no idea where I am, if I'm okay or not, and I feel horribly guilty. When he is sober he is kind, fun to be around, treats me like a queen. I miss that part of him, but know I can't get the sober him without the drunk part of him.
I'm really struggling with not contacting him. We went through so much together, and I know he is genuinely worried about me. A part of me feels like I need to let him know I'm okay. I just disappeared on him and I feel terrible about this. I have no desire to get back with him. I don't trust him to be honest with me about his drinking and infidelities and I know I deserve better than what he is capable of giving me in a relationship.
I know it's real easy to tell me forget him, move on, don't look back, congratulations for getting out, but I am feeling torn. I really did love him very much. I tried so many times to hang in there hoping for his sobriety.
I don't want to be the a@@hole in all of this.
RBN
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
RBN,
When we have soul ties to someone that we cannot respect or trust it still hurts. The pain and hurt you feel is from your body dumping chemicals and chemicals are not logical. The guilt you feel is not warranted but if it would help you to send him a message that you are OK there are ways to do that without revealing where you are.
For example a friend could create a free email to send a message from you ... you wouldn't control the email and will not be aware of his responses and he will be told the email will be abandoned and messages not forwarded to you.
Would something like this give you closure for now? You owe him nothing you know... and your leaving can be a gift to him to do what he needs to do to get his own life on track.
He does not sound like relationship material at all and I do hope you are taking care of you...it gets better... and for me it has gotten fabulous!!!! It took some time but I am happy and joyous and FREE!!!
When we have soul ties to someone that we cannot respect or trust it still hurts. The pain and hurt you feel is from your body dumping chemicals and chemicals are not logical. The guilt you feel is not warranted but if it would help you to send him a message that you are OK there are ways to do that without revealing where you are.
For example a friend could create a free email to send a message from you ... you wouldn't control the email and will not be aware of his responses and he will be told the email will be abandoned and messages not forwarded to you.
Would something like this give you closure for now? You owe him nothing you know... and your leaving can be a gift to him to do what he needs to do to get his own life on track.
He does not sound like relationship material at all and I do hope you are taking care of you...it gets better... and for me it has gotten fabulous!!!! It took some time but I am happy and joyous and FREE!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
You should feel so proud of yourself! I know its hard being separated from your husband and facing the reality of who he is. You are not an "a$$hole". He is an alcoholic and he may genuinely be worried but that does not negate his other behavior.
It is painful and hard to do the right thing. I will not sugar coat it. Im separated almost 2 years from my husband and some days it seems like Day 1 so I know how you feel. It will get easier over time. Take it day by day! Come post on here...get yourself to where you need to be.
I actually couldnt believe it today because I went the entire work day not thinking of him! Progress!
It is painful and hard to do the right thing. I will not sugar coat it. Im separated almost 2 years from my husband and some days it seems like Day 1 so I know how you feel. It will get easier over time. Take it day by day! Come post on here...get yourself to where you need to be.
I actually couldnt believe it today because I went the entire work day not thinking of him! Progress!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Radiant 
I feel I am reliving my old life from your post in alot of ways. I
I felt the same way you did, started backsliding thinking. I made the mistake of contacting and now he feels he can do what ever he wants and call me , text and email or show up. Of course these are all blocked, I can still see he made an attempt and it would hurt. I made a few mistakes going through no contact just because at the beginning it drove me insane. But it really is the best way to go.
You don't owe him anything to be honest. Do you owe your first bfriend a call ? No, so you don't owe your husband anything either. One thing I learned was Husband is just a Title. He lost that title and you don't owe him nothing but you have to truly believe it!!
I had to let my AH of 10+ years go with no $, no self esteem, no happiness, no job.
But months later I started my own cleaning service making a little money but im happy. I live in the moment and that is what is the best thing to do. Not next week, not next month. There has been several times when I would come him sit outside read enjoy my surrounding and focus on my recovery. I could be stressed out I need more work and more money but I block it out and focus on my mental recover then low and behold I would get a job for the next day.It seems as soon as im done reading my self help books my phone would ring. I was working in accounting so to go from accounting to house cleaning is opposite worlds but the point is I love it.
People change that is just it. I am not the same as when he first met me but I am happy in my own skin. It took alot of work and the next guy who is fortunate to have me will know it.
I truly truly hope you choose to move forward and no contact. You have moved to another state and can start over there. What a wonderful opportunity you have. But you have to believe it!!!
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
This sounds like what we used to get into, except he never slept with anyone else. The drinking and everything it encompassed was bad enough for me.
For me, I also had a different situation, because the house is mine, I already had a job, I had somewhere stable to take the kids, etc. etc. I was independent when we got together and I stayed that way the whole time. Which made it worse-people were like, good thing you aren't talking to him, he never did anything for you anyway, etc. etc. They are wrong. I did need him, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
I went NC in June of last year after he and his friend, while f-ed up and supposed to be watching the kids while I was working, went through my house, destroyed a bunch of stuff, and stole all kinds of stuff from me. To this day, I don't know what all was exactly taken.
I filed for child support. I started talking to him again in August, at the end, and things were going pretty well-he started helping me with the bills, which he NEVER did before, he wasn't living with me until October when he had to leave where he was living, and I seriously honestly thought that things would get better. He was still drinking. I didn't care. By that time, he had to work out his issues and I had to work out mine.
November 17, he stole my car in the middle of the night, and went to the liquor store, and drank and drove in MY car back to my house. I know this because he came in drunk that night, there are cameras in my parking lot so you can see him leaving and coming back 9 minutes later (coincidence that the only liquor store open at 10:45 on a sunday night is about 4 minutes away), he never moved my seats up (I am very short, he is very tall), etc. I am not an idiot. I gave him one chance to tell me the truth and he lied, so I told him I had to go to school and be out by the time I got home. And I filed a police report. The cop told me all kinds of crap like I am a liar, you can't get drunk that quick, I want more money out of him, etc. etc. (And, if the cop had listened to me, we wouldn't be where we are now. I struggle to not go over there and just tear him apart.)
Anyway, that is the longest we went NC. He texted me on thanksgiving, from someone else's phone, and I am okay with that, because we do have kids together, and it's nice to know he cares, even though I DID NOT text him back. Christmas, nothing. Valentine's Day, he called me, and I didn't know he had a new phone number, so I answered it. It was him, told me he loved me, etc. Amazing, because he never cared before.
I am a vendor, so I work in all these stores. I was working in his store for like a week straight, and the store manager broke me down. I had been hiding from him, he knew I was there, but never went looking for me, and I would just sneak around. But one day in February, I brought the kids up, and the store manager told him to come to his office. And there we were. He cried, I cried, the store manager even cried.
And that was it. He would come over all the time, sometimes spend days at a time with us, although my schedule is very tight and he knew that law school came first. If he made me mad, he would leave.
This last time, I said I was tired of him coming over (I called him earlier that day because I was potty-training the two year old and was too sick to get him to the potty fast enough-he had no gas) when HE wants something, but not when I want something, and although he didn't have enough gas to help me, he went to see the other kid, who lives like 5 minutes from my house. For the life of me, I can't figure out how he would think that driving past my house and then coming back after you said you weren't going to help me, would make me happy. Anyway, he was drunk, and had dudes with him, I don't even know who they were. So I told him next time to come back with a court-ordered visitation schedule. And I blocked his number, which is hugely important to what I am about to say.
That was April 12. He died 10 days later. Everyone who sees him says he was horribly upset about what I did but I don't blame him. I was angry- but there was no way I would ever actually do that to him, and we were finally supposed to go to child support on May 9, so we could figure out the relationship from there. I don't know if he actually thought I was serious this time, or what-I don't know. I don't think he intentionally killed himself, although I wouldn't blame him for that either-he had a horrible life.
I thank God I gave him this last chance with his kids. I am so guilty, I could have done more, I should have known, etc. but now, the rational side of me is arguing with the emotional-I did everything I could. And I know that I should have stayed NC-it would still be just as hard to deal with his death, which in all honesty, probably would have happened sooner, but small things like, I wouldn't have blocked his number (I mean, how many times did he try to call me that night? How was I supposed to know? He was notorious for using other peoples' phones to call me-that's why I never changed my number, just in case he really did need me), the kids wouldn't be as devastated because they haven't just seen him so recently, etc. I could go on and on.
If you are serious about this, do it and never look back. He will keep causing you pain, and it will only get worse. If something happens to him like what happened to the ABF, you're going to have the guilt anyway, so keep that in mind-don't be afraid of what might happen to him. You have to do what is right for you-and you don't have kids, so you won't constantly have them in your ear bugging you about him. You do deserve better-and if you went through all this work to escape him, you know it too. If you don't get away from it now, there will be a lifetime of misery, and I do believe that life is more than that.
For me, I also had a different situation, because the house is mine, I already had a job, I had somewhere stable to take the kids, etc. etc. I was independent when we got together and I stayed that way the whole time. Which made it worse-people were like, good thing you aren't talking to him, he never did anything for you anyway, etc. etc. They are wrong. I did need him, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
I went NC in June of last year after he and his friend, while f-ed up and supposed to be watching the kids while I was working, went through my house, destroyed a bunch of stuff, and stole all kinds of stuff from me. To this day, I don't know what all was exactly taken.
I filed for child support. I started talking to him again in August, at the end, and things were going pretty well-he started helping me with the bills, which he NEVER did before, he wasn't living with me until October when he had to leave where he was living, and I seriously honestly thought that things would get better. He was still drinking. I didn't care. By that time, he had to work out his issues and I had to work out mine.
November 17, he stole my car in the middle of the night, and went to the liquor store, and drank and drove in MY car back to my house. I know this because he came in drunk that night, there are cameras in my parking lot so you can see him leaving and coming back 9 minutes later (coincidence that the only liquor store open at 10:45 on a sunday night is about 4 minutes away), he never moved my seats up (I am very short, he is very tall), etc. I am not an idiot. I gave him one chance to tell me the truth and he lied, so I told him I had to go to school and be out by the time I got home. And I filed a police report. The cop told me all kinds of crap like I am a liar, you can't get drunk that quick, I want more money out of him, etc. etc. (And, if the cop had listened to me, we wouldn't be where we are now. I struggle to not go over there and just tear him apart.)
Anyway, that is the longest we went NC. He texted me on thanksgiving, from someone else's phone, and I am okay with that, because we do have kids together, and it's nice to know he cares, even though I DID NOT text him back. Christmas, nothing. Valentine's Day, he called me, and I didn't know he had a new phone number, so I answered it. It was him, told me he loved me, etc. Amazing, because he never cared before.
I am a vendor, so I work in all these stores. I was working in his store for like a week straight, and the store manager broke me down. I had been hiding from him, he knew I was there, but never went looking for me, and I would just sneak around. But one day in February, I brought the kids up, and the store manager told him to come to his office. And there we were. He cried, I cried, the store manager even cried.
And that was it. He would come over all the time, sometimes spend days at a time with us, although my schedule is very tight and he knew that law school came first. If he made me mad, he would leave.
This last time, I said I was tired of him coming over (I called him earlier that day because I was potty-training the two year old and was too sick to get him to the potty fast enough-he had no gas) when HE wants something, but not when I want something, and although he didn't have enough gas to help me, he went to see the other kid, who lives like 5 minutes from my house. For the life of me, I can't figure out how he would think that driving past my house and then coming back after you said you weren't going to help me, would make me happy. Anyway, he was drunk, and had dudes with him, I don't even know who they were. So I told him next time to come back with a court-ordered visitation schedule. And I blocked his number, which is hugely important to what I am about to say.
That was April 12. He died 10 days later. Everyone who sees him says he was horribly upset about what I did but I don't blame him. I was angry- but there was no way I would ever actually do that to him, and we were finally supposed to go to child support on May 9, so we could figure out the relationship from there. I don't know if he actually thought I was serious this time, or what-I don't know. I don't think he intentionally killed himself, although I wouldn't blame him for that either-he had a horrible life.
I thank God I gave him this last chance with his kids. I am so guilty, I could have done more, I should have known, etc. but now, the rational side of me is arguing with the emotional-I did everything I could. And I know that I should have stayed NC-it would still be just as hard to deal with his death, which in all honesty, probably would have happened sooner, but small things like, I wouldn't have blocked his number (I mean, how many times did he try to call me that night? How was I supposed to know? He was notorious for using other peoples' phones to call me-that's why I never changed my number, just in case he really did need me), the kids wouldn't be as devastated because they haven't just seen him so recently, etc. I could go on and on.
If you are serious about this, do it and never look back. He will keep causing you pain, and it will only get worse. If something happens to him like what happened to the ABF, you're going to have the guilt anyway, so keep that in mind-don't be afraid of what might happen to him. You have to do what is right for you-and you don't have kids, so you won't constantly have them in your ear bugging you about him. You do deserve better-and if you went through all this work to escape him, you know it too. If you don't get away from it now, there will be a lifetime of misery, and I do believe that life is more than that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your responses.
I feel kind of lost today. I had been doing so well with no contact for quite awhile, and then it all kind of hit me how much I miss his friendship when he's sober. I'm sure moving to the city we met, fell in love, and got married in has contributed to my thoughts of him.
I tried calling him today. I *67'd the number and he didn't answer. No surprise. He doesn't answer unknown callers. It was comforting to hear his voice on the greeting. I didn't leave a message. Kind of afraid to open that door again for contact.
Before I moved out of state his last several attempts at contact were friendly, and just asking how I was, thinking of me, wishing me well, would love to hear my voice again. I chose to ignore this. Now I feel that I should have kept up friendly contact with him. It's ideally what I want. At the same time it makes me very nervous. I do miss him. Not the crazy alcohol induced drama, but talking sharing our day, etc.
Anyway, thanks everyone.
I feel kind of lost today. I had been doing so well with no contact for quite awhile, and then it all kind of hit me how much I miss his friendship when he's sober. I'm sure moving to the city we met, fell in love, and got married in has contributed to my thoughts of him.
I tried calling him today. I *67'd the number and he didn't answer. No surprise. He doesn't answer unknown callers. It was comforting to hear his voice on the greeting. I didn't leave a message. Kind of afraid to open that door again for contact.
Before I moved out of state his last several attempts at contact were friendly, and just asking how I was, thinking of me, wishing me well, would love to hear my voice again. I chose to ignore this. Now I feel that I should have kept up friendly contact with him. It's ideally what I want. At the same time it makes me very nervous. I do miss him. Not the crazy alcohol induced drama, but talking sharing our day, etc.
Anyway, thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Welcome. You sound a lot stronger than you probably feel right now. I also moved out of state to get away from my ex. One thing that helped me was going to Alanon meetings. It was kind of like making "insta-friends", which was great for me since I tend to be shy. It helped me to not feel so isolated and to resist the temptation to contact my ex about stuff that wasn't related to our son. SR has been a wonderful resource as well. Glad you found us. Keep posting and take care.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Just remember that alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse if left untreated. The man in your head that you want him to be or thought he was, doesn't exist. The breakup of any relationship is hard, but you have to do what's right for you. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. Or not. It's not your responsibility either way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by choublak
I bet he has some things to share (venereal disease).
Glad our girl RBN was smart enough to get herself checked out and has a clean bill of health.
Yeah this guy has so much stuff going on above and beyond alcoholism that even if he suddenly got sober, he'll still be gross.
Also what NWGrits said. That amazing guy is not real. How many of his craigslist hookups did he charm with his amazing sweetness or whatever?
Your gut is right on here. No contact is best. One of the mods here, Seren, said it best-emotional pain hurts, but it won't kill you. Find a way to work through this without him. The one who hurt you will probably not be the one to heal you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Just remember that alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse if left untreated. The man in your head that you want him to be or thought he was, doesn't exist. The breakup of any relationship is hard, but you have to do what's right for you. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. Or not. It's not your responsibility either way.
So true we have to retrain our mind and heart so they can match.
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