Neeko123

I am a 29 year old single mother who just began dating again after a divorce from a 10 year relationship. I met a man 3 months ago who I fell very hard for. He has 2 boys around the same age as my daughter. We both had gone through very similar life experiences. We grew very close in those 3 months. Everything seemed perfect. We had very similar interests, I loved his family, we had a lot of fun.

He had recently gotten out of a difficult marriage as well. I always felt though that whenever I was around his friends and family there was something in my gut that told me there was something that they knew about him that I wasn't being told. I just chalked it up to the fact that he had just gone through a divorce and that they weren't sure how to handle me coming into the picture.

I am pretty naive when it comes to alcohol abuse, so I always thought the reason he slurred words was because he had a long day at work. At the end of the day he would basically crash on the couch and I would have difficulties waking him up. At times he would start to make no sense and would get confused during conversations.

Long story short, I caught him secretly drinking vodka. I came to realize he was drinking and driving us and the three kids around and drinking the alcohol I had in my fridge. I confronted him and he told me that he was ashamed and didn't want to tell me because he was afraid of losing me. He opened up and told me he had had this drinking issue for 4 years and it became worse when his previous girlfriend broke up with him. He said his ex wife had caused so much stress on him in their marriage and that is how it all started.

He told me that he had tried AA and group therapy but it wasn't right for him. He said group therapy only made him want to drink more and counselors made him feel guilty and ashamed.

The next day I came over to his place while his kids were there and broke up with him. My dad had said to break up that way so he couldn't get too upset because he had to ca r his kids first. Well that backfired because he had drank half a bottle if vodka. He had been drinking and driving them around all day and was very drunk. When I told him i had to end the relationship he had a meltdown and we had to call his mom because it became an emergency situation and he was freaking out and his kids were there. It was a scary situation.

Since then he has asked me to give him another chance and be with him through his journey to get sober. It has been difficult completely cutting out all contact. I have codependency issues and this causes me to miss him so much even though there is no way the relationship would be healthy for my daughter and I. The kind part of me feels guilty for just kicking him to the curb. It's been a struggle. I told him to call me when he is 6 months sober but I know that there is no way it would ever work because he wasn't honest and I would always remember in the back of my head that I can't be sure to trust him. I just feel like he is such a great guy and we had a good connection, it just sucks that alcoholism got in the way. How do I move on and not look back?

Neeko123

I apologize in advance for typos...i am writing on my ipad.

redatlanta

I think aside from the lies I would just have to think about him driving me and my child drunk. And his children drunk. It's one thing to destroy your own damn life but to destroy or end others who have no choice in the matter is just reprehensible.

Pray for him and thank God you found all this out early in. You are lucky. I don't really think he is exhibiting the signs of wanting to recover. I think he is just quacking.

It would be a very difficult and miserable life to be involved with this man.

Neeko123

Before I broke up with him I received advice from a counselor. She said that I had to cut off all contact. That was difficult for me because I didn't want to just break it off when he opened up, but she said he is a long ways from recovery and me accepting him putting three children's lives on danger would only enable him. I loved him very much. I wish I could be there for him but maybe losing me will be the push he needs to take his drinking seriously and get help. I have been crying so much the past week, it was not easy for me. It's like all my hopes I had for a relationship and life with him were abruptly demolished.

MissFixit

Hi
Get out while the gettins good. If he gets sober and in recovery then after 1+ years of that consider getting to know him again. You kids are more important than a new boyfriend.

Good luck

Wahine

Neeko123, I'm sorry this happened to you. Your lucky you found out as soon as you did. In a month come back and read your post again. He was drunk and driving around with his kids. Then he's such a wreck you have to call his mom ?!?

SeriousKarma

Please tell me you know this isn't true:

He's not an addict because his marriage was a failure. His marriage was a failure because he's an addict.

NOBODY becomes a habitual drunk driver because their ex-wives "stressed" them out. Think of the stress that caused her.

MissFixit

My ex said the same thing about his first wife. I know her and never really believed him about that. Years later he said the same thing about me to others. Nope. Don't think so.

anykey

BTW- you did not cause him to drink. Do not accept the guilt trip.

Sometimes no relationship is best- and certainly no relationship is better then a bad relationship.


Alcoholics are extreme manipulators. As a parent you have to raise those kids. You are not required to raise a mammas boy who never grew up, who doesnt want to grow up and in the end will only pull you down.

Think of how a mamma bear is in the wild- no one harms her babies- well that is you. Forget about dating. Forget about men. Just live your life and be a good mom. Do hobbies that you enjoy.

missboots

I know it's very painful but you did the right thing, especially for your daughter. Trust me, trust every woman who's been in the situation. I married a man like that and now I face a huge court battle just to get to where I can be a poor mom living paycheck to paycheck. You did the right thing by getting out. The pain will go away with time and you will meet someone better. I pray for a lifetime of happiness and peace for you and your daughter.

anykey

One thing to keep in mind- often you can smell the booze in a mans sweat.

NWGRITS

I don't see anything brutal about what she did. It was the compassionate thing to do for him, herself, and her daughter. Driving your children and someone else's around drunk and killing them? That's brutal. Not leaving a liar and an addict. That's kindness in its own way, and self-preservation. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for doing the right thing.

honeypig

YES^^^. In this scenario, anykey, there is ONE PERSON you can help, and that is YOU. You made the best choice; you got help for yourself in understanding what was going on and then you took action.

Glad you found us here at SR--I think if you do as much reading here as you can, you'll find a great resource. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. You're certainly not alone in having had alcohol affect your life, and there is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared here.

Welcome.

Eddiebuckle

Whatever issues you have do not change the fact that you and you alone are responsible for your daughters well being. In my opinion, 6 months sober is too soon, AA members typically recommend avoiding new romantic relationships for the first year because all too frequently they lead to relapse. This man is in no position to be a partner at this time or anytime soon - do him and your daughter a favor and forget this relationship ever happened. His life is ultimately on the line, respect that.

ResignedToWait

His poor kids. =-(

You are a very lucky lady to realize so early how bad an idea it is to get involved with A. You saved you and your family a ton of heartache by breaking it off...even though it might not feel so good right now. Stay strong, and great job!

Lyssy

You have a very wise counselor. I know this time is very difficult, confusing, hurtful and maybe scary, but please listen to your counselor. Just listen and act (I call this faking it 'till I feel it). You eventually will be able to sort it out but it will take time (and time away from him).

It has been said here before, by others far wiser than I, Feelings are just feelings, not reality.

I love my therapist, but hind-site, I really wish she had been this brutally honest with me a year ago.

Keep your dd safe and give her lots of love right now. Both she and you are who deserve it right now.

Psalm5110

Neeko, I am sorry you've had to experience this...but I'm glad to hear someone else who did not recognize the signs of intoxication and chalked them up to other things! I was also very naive about alcohol abuse and my AH had me convinced that he had some "mysterious medical condition" for TWO YEARS before I found liquor bottles hidden around our house and was hit upside the head with the truth. I felt pretty stupid, but that quickly morphed into feeling betrayed that he had taken advantage of my trust.

The advice from everyone is great - you have no reason to keep him in your life. I've kicked my husband of nearly 10 years out of the house, drawn big-time boundaries, and pretty much left him to figure this out on his own. But we have a long (and really good, except for the past two years) history together, a toddler and another baby on the way. If it weren't for all of that, and this were a relatively new relationship, I would have slammed the door and not looked back for an instant.

Stay strong!

Neeko123

What bothered me is that his mom blamed his ex wife on his drinking when I told her what was going on. Everyone knew except me that he has had drinking issues in the past. Everyone thought that he was recovered. I just hope they see how serious his issues are and get his kids safe. They tried to hide it from her so she wouldn't find out that he was drinking again because they don't want him to lose his kids. I think they are enabling him.

What I don't understand is how his whole family kept this from me. Every time I met a new family member, I just had this feeling that they didn't expect me to be around much because there was something I didn't know.

His mom and his friend told me to not give up hope for him getting better, but I can't trust him again. They wouldn't have to be the one to live with him and put their family in harms way. It is sad because he treated me very well, but that's all nullified by drinking and driving with kids in the car. I just really worry about his kids.

atalose

I think looking back on this experience and learning some things about yourself could only benefit you. Understand and learn how you ignored red flags and why you choose to NOT listen to your gut and instead made excuses for those un-easy feeling you were experiencing. Understand that falling that hard and that fast in love is another big old red flag.

We can always move forward in life and away from toxic relationships but if we don’t understand “our own” part in the relationship we will continue finding the same kind of un-healthy people.

Besides booze and drugs – addicts also need enablers and his mother sounds like a big one in his life. Hiding the fact he’s drinking again from his children’s mother is putting his children in a very unhealthy situation not to mention if it’s known he’s drinking and driving around with those kids in a car, that’s child abuse.

HOPE – yes it’s always nice to have hope but hope is not a plan, you can’t count on hope, you can’t make a life around hope.

I think once you have some emotional distance away from this guy you will then be able to clearly see the things you don’t really see right now. Right now he’s your everything, made you feel like no one else ever has and your just remembering all the good.

But the reality is, he’s lied to you from day one, he’s pretended to be someone he is not. Then when his deceit is discovered, he puts the blame on his ex- wife then his ex- girlfriend………..see the pattern here!!

It’s very smart of you to break all contact and allow yourself to heal and move on.

The part about his family not telling you he was an alcoholic –well it doesn’t sound like they have accepted he is one, they are still making excuses and enabling him. And it really was HIS issue to disclose to you NOT theirs.



((Hugs))

hopeful4

Run away...quickly. Not just yourself, but for your children. You do not want to go from a divorce to a relationship with an alcoholic. It's not stable for you or your children.