freetosmile

We met today over lunch and I explained that the rollercoaster ride was getting to be too much for me. I explained how we were blessed with so many things and were choosing to be miserable (both of us). I explained that I realized I needed to go to al anon ( he is worried I will cheat on him there). I explained that I realized I needed to focus on my own recovery ( should I have done that?)

I explained that I don't know how to fix us.
He said he is trying and to be patient with him.

How patient am I supposed to be when the drinking is still continuing? Am I to be patient until he decides it's good for HIM to get help? I'm so mad.....so very very mad?
I could understand being patient when he is IN recovery...but being patient until he decides it's good for him to get sober doesn't exactly sound advantageous to me at all. To me, it's just a way to drag me along a little further.
Yesterday he was talking about leaving me (so he could have the excuse to drink) and today it's please be patient ( don't YOU leave ME)

God, oh God....please help me. I'm so tired. Lord give me the strength to do what I must. And please tell me what You want me to do, because I don't feel I can make the best choice right now. Amen.

hopeful4

O my dear, I have been there. Was there for literally years.

You are just right. He is basically saying be patient, he will work on it. What is his plan?? Unless there is a plan he can execute that involves recovery, there is really nothing for you to be patient with. From my experience this sounds like my XAH's "taper plan." That he would only drink once in a while, etc., blah, blah. It does not work. An alcoholic has to see alcohol as a toxic allergy they cannot touch. If not, the game continues.

So so sorry you have to deal with this. How awful. I am so so glad that you are going to go to Alanon and glad you told him. Let him experience a little uncertainty from his side and see how that feels.

XXX

Refiner

But what do you want for YOU? He has asked for permission to continue his drinking and you are going along with it. And this isn't making you happy. What will make you happy? I know you want to say "for him to stop drinking" but I think you already know the answer to that is no.

Mango blast

That was fine to tell him. It's the truth.

I have heard my husband say he is trying and to be patient with him for years on end. Even during this past relapse. He is 8 days sober. 9 days ago he was again saying this, and I was again saying that what he was trying isn't effective. Time and again, and we both know that. That's the addiction speaking, wanting you to believe you can do it on your own. Trying to quit involves reaching out for help, and if that doesn't work, keep reaching out, whether it's detox, rehab, counseling, AA or something. There are people who understand what he's going through and can help him. I can't do it for him. To find SOMETHING that works, because doing it on your own doesn't.

Thanks to his rehab experience, when I called him on all the recent lies, he admitted, "if an alcoholic is talking, they're lying."

Prayer does help. Ask for guidance, and listen. Take care of you.

dandylion

freetosmile---he is taking you on a wild=goose ride!! Do what you need to do.
How insulting that he thinks that you would cheat on him at alanon!!! Likely, he is threatened about you getting any help for yourself--but, that is too bad.

Keep reading--especially the stickies at the top of the main friends and family page. You need this knowledge. go to alanon. Detach from him (you will learn how in alanon) and decide what YOU need to do for your own welfare.

He is being controlled by his disease, right n ow. He has an addled brain. Don't listen to him.

dandylion

inpieces314

Sounds like manipulation to me. And if it works this time, he is going to do it again.

Don't listen to a word he says. Actions speak louder than words. Put your foot down if you want him to stop drinking, although it is possible to have peace in the same house with an actively drinking alcoholic (I could never do it, but several people I know have done it).

But, you do have to know what you want in order to communicate that to him.

redatlanta

Quack.

Doing nothing is doing something. Relax. You don't have to decide exactly what to do right now.

I read this scripture the other day. "Do not worry about anything instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all that he has done. Then you will experience God's peace which surpasses all understanding".

Word.