Dr Strangelove

Hi Everyone First post here. I have a wife who drinks every night and consumes a half gallon of rum every 4-6 days on her own. I have been going to individual counseling for over 1.5yrs and had an "A HA" moment last fall when I realized her drinking patterns. We started marriage counseling and come to find out she has some attachment issues of her own from her childhood.

Life just became unbearable for me about 4 months ago and I finally discovered AlAnon meetings to help. She refuses to see her problem, citing that she drinks because she can't stand me 2 months ago and now she just says that she doesnt drink for the wrong reasons like before. She drinks because she is happy and enjoys it. We are trying to work on our marriage, God knows there are some issues besides the drinking. I have changed so much thanks to Alanon and counseling that everyone else can see it but my wife. Its very hard feeling so alone in this marriage and I am at a point where my decision is unclear of staying or going. There has been no sex for over a year and really we've only had sex once in two years. I mean she barely gives me any affection.

We have two kids 5yrs and 18months and I know this is all affecting them. I came here hoping to explore that feeling of STAY or GO because I just can't seem to decide clearly which direction to head. Some things have improved in our marriage but she continues to drink heavily. I removed all the alcohol in the house except hers a few months ago and do not drink at home or in front of her since. I have the occasional craft beer when out with friends without her but that's it. Wish I knew what to do and am wondering how someone can make the decision of staying or going.

A part of me wants to give her the ultimatum of divorce or AA/rehab but I am afraid she will choose divorce. This person I am living with, I cannot stand most times but she is sick and a part of me feels like I am abandoning a fallen soldier if I don't stay.

Thanks for listening, hope I can continue my journey here with some insight from all of you.

Hammer

Well welcome home.

I guess you have figured out that she drinks because . . . . she drinks.

Not really much to do with you, the weather, phase of the moon . . . .

5 yo and 18 monther?

You have a long road ahead.

Pack some snacks.

suki44883

We can't tell you what to do, but the welfare of your children should be your main focus. You say her drinking is affecting them. How is that manifesting itself? If you have been going to Al-anon, then you know there is nothing you can do to make her stop drinking, including threatening divorce. Ultimatums should never be made unless you are willing to back them up.

Boundaries should be put into place until you decide what you are going to do. Decide what you will and will not put up with and then stick to them. You should know about boundaries if you have been going to Al-anon. They are not rules for her to follow. Boundaries are for you and your children, not her.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))

fedup3

Dr S, as Suki has said boundaries are for you what you will accept and what things you will not accept. It is to protect you and your little ones.

I will pray for you.

Dr Strangelove

Thank you.

Her being hung over in the morning and us arguing all the time is affecting the children. I put my boundary up about the arguing a few weeks ago when I told her I would not argue in front of the children anymore and have stuck to my guns on that one.

She kisses them goodnight wreaking of booze every night. And recently I found out she drinks sometimes during the day since I keep track of the bottles I know about. I have no clue if she drives the children around after drinking. I sure hope not.

Boundaries otherwise I have stuck to since alanon. That has helped for sure.

I'm trying to decide if I can stick to an ultimatum of divorce should she choose that road. I just don't know.

suki44883

I highly recommend that you find alternate care for your children during the day. Even the possibility that she drives with them in the car after drinking is reason enough. Even if she doesn't, she is impaired while she is supposed to be taking care of her children. Too many chances for something bad to happen and her not realize it or be passed out drunk.

PLEASE make other arrangements for your children during the day.

Dr Strangelove

Well she is a SAHM that's going to make it more difficult. I don't think she would ever drink and drive them around but I don't know 100%.

Thumper

I eventually found care for my children. Nothing happened to them but in hindsight - not finding that care earlier is one of my biggest regrets. I look back on that, allowing him to stay in our home for a few months after I filed for divorce, and allowing them to visit him after our divorce when he was still drinking, as the biggest mistakes of the entire ordeal. I was doing the best I could do with what I knew/felt at the time but wow - it was a mistake and very hard on my boys. I'm just sharing to give you that little glimpse of how that all worked out for me. I can't tell you if you should stay or go. For me, I chose to go, and that is one decision I do not regret.

Hammer

IF you are thinking the Ultimatum Thing -- I would use the Rational Recovery method OVER Alanon.

https://rational.org/index.php?id=91

https://rational.org/index.php?id=46

Whole different animal for a whole different approach.

On the other hand -- IF you are doing the Alanon Model, you should likely do the Get a Sponsor, Do the Steps Stuff FIRST.

That gets YOUR mind right and clear for what and how you are doing things.

At just 4 months you have NOT likely done the Sponsor / Steps Stuff, correct?

suki44883

Question: Would you allow anyone else to watch your children during the day while drinking?

If the answer is no, then why would you allow your wife to watch your children during the day while drinking?

unsureoffuture

In Al-anon they advise not to make any big decision right away. You are torn at which way to go right now but things will likely be more clear as time goes on. I was where you were when I first came here. I wanted to know whether to stay or go. I wanted answers and a solution. The Al-anon saying "more will be revealed" was a good one for me. I waited, focused on myself and my recovery, researched and learned a whole lot more about alcoholism. I also visited a lawyer and started preparing to leave if I chose to go that route. I set boundaries for me and my kids. I finally decided to divorce him because things have not changed and I can see the effects in both of my kids. My AH was and is still actively drinking and also kisses my kids goodnight with "boozy breath". My kids are 8 and 5. Only you know what is best for your family and your situation. If you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow-through. Take some time to reflect on your situation, work the steps in Al-anon and as time goes on things will get clearer.

Dr Strangelove

Hmm never heard of this rational recovery before. I will check it out.

I do not have a sponsor in alanon yet. I have been thinking about it the last few weeks. I guess I should get a sponsor. Hmmm

Refiner

Hi, and welcome! Although I'm sorry about your circumstances. Why are you worried about her accepting the ultimatum of divorce? It doesn't sound like you're very happy in the marriage and you even said the kids are being affected by her (and may even be in danger). You probably know that this is progressive and will likely get worse, right? It doesn't sound like she's been given any consequences at this point. Her being a SAHM, I'm assuming you're footing all the bills... why wouldn't she continue her lifestyle when everything's being paid for, including her drinking habit being supported, while she's "happy" (aka drinking) and a SAHM without an employer she needs to perform (and behave) for. Being a MOM is a job, too, and it doesn't sound like she's doing that job very well.

freetosmile

Hi Dr

I'm kinda in the same boat with my husband. He has been to a few AA meetings, but nothing serious....I'm going to start Alanon next week and see what support I can get from that.
I keep debating on whether to stay or go. Although if I lose him, I also lose his (biologically) children. But he is also threatening to leave me now too.
It seems out of control and everyone around us can see his problem but him. Meanwhile, I'm taking a step back. I like the boundaries thing. I haven't been to Alanon yet, but the idea sounds nice. It sounds like a relief actually.
Has your wife even admitted that she thinks there might be a problem?
I guess to me, if she is under the impression that there are no problems what so ever, that makes the choice a little easier in my opinion. I wouldn't be so torn up over what to do if my AH didn't even admit that he has a problem. It's the "I'll change" to "I'll do what I want" that I can't stand. Plus the kids....always the kids....
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand some of what you say. Wish I could say I have an answer for you.

Dr Strangelove

I know this sounds nuts but she is a great mom. She lives for our kids and runs herself ragged to take care of them. Yes I pay all the bills I have two very successful jobs. One a day job and I also own and manage a very successful website

Hammer

You follow I am NOT advocating RR, just saying that IF you are going to do the Ultimatum Thing -- Those are the folks.

They seem to open fire, no restraints, no worries.

================

But just comparing notes -- Instead -- I am doing the Full Metal Jacket Alanon. Have a Sponsor who can pretty much go toe-to-toe on the Asshat routines with me. Doing a Formal Classroom Time 1.5 hours a week + 1.5 hours Sponsor Time, per week for 20 weeks.

================

But what you are doing is a path fraught with internal conflict. Internal conflict is NOT a good thing when you are in enemy territory. Lot of people wander in here and try that and have miserable failures.

See, I would never want to teach a troop "Peace, Love, and Ethics," (Alanon) and then tell him to go shoot his buddy. It would leave them conflicted. I would teach the troop I wanted to be a killer that the target is animal. A danger to the kids. That whole animal thing is the basis of RR, as near as I can tell. They even call Alcoholism "The Animal Voice."

The path you are discussing is conflicted. You want the clean, quick kill of an Ultimatum, but also want the Peace, Love, and Ethics of Alanon.

IF you are wanting to do the Alanon Path, you will likely find that you will put the weapons on safe, unload and clear, and go get YOUR stuff straight BEFORE you even think of screwing with her.

Just what I have seen at the zoo.

Dr Strangelove

My heart goes out to you as it sounds like you are going through some troubles of your own. My wife won't admit she has a problem before she drank because she's angry and was numbing herself. Now she drinks to relax and fun. She's delusional in thinking she has cut back too citing she only drinks one half gallon every two weeks which is not true and in my opinion still too much even it it was. Her drinking has only gradually gotten worse and now she lies about it and hides it more.

The bottle she leaves out sometimes gets fuller instead of more empty. How would that happen? Divine intervention? No, she fills it from another bottle. As if I wouldn't catch it.

Dr Strangelove

Thank you this clarifies things. I think I'm in the alanon camp not the RR camp the way you describe it. So a sponsor is my next move I suppose. That really helps?

freetosmile

Helps me too, just for the record

Hammer

Wickedly so.

Going to meetings is *JUST* Study Hall.

The Steps are NOT just words on the wall, or words in a book, or a silly chant at the start of the meeting.

The Steps are a DO Thing.

When we say we DO The Steps, we Actually DO The Steps. THAT requires a competent sponsor. (see Step 5 -- another human being).