enough rope to hang himself with??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
enough rope to hang himself with??
Hi,
A little background: my husband admitted almost a year ago to the day that he had an addiction to oxycodone & Xanax, up and got on a plane to go to rehab in Tennessee last April... fast forward a year later & he's slipped up twice. I wouldn't call it full blown relapse but one time he fulfilled a script from his doctors for Percocet (FOR ATHLETES FOOT...WTF) and the other I found one pill in his safe, in a large baggie, where I am positive there were more to begin with. I've given random drug tests, all of which he's passed... and I walked out and stayed gone for over three weeks on one occasion, completely convinced he was using again. Never found out for sure, because I've learned in this horrendous journey, sometimes that isn't even the biggest problem.
ok, so NOW - I wish I said we lived happily ever after...
he is currently not in any kind of program but says the gym, our daughter and doing work outside landscaping our house is his anti-drug. I can't force him, so I've dropped the issue. he's also taken on a side job, renovating my grandparents house, with hardwood floors and new windows - all on his own.
he wakes up yesterday morning after spending the day at his real job, and the entire evening gutting the second floor of their house...
he is whimpering when he wakes me up. he says his hands are numb, he cant feel his fingers, they feel like they're burning, he can't get comfortable because his back and neck and shoulders are so sore.
completely hesitant, but also seeing with my own eyes his real pain, after staying up with him for almost 2 hours...I told him to go to the doctor.
the doctor referred him to a neck and spine specialist.
I am sick over him receiving narcotics. he hasn't - yet - but the urgentcare doc did say it may be something they need to consider short term until they can determine where/what nerve damage they're looking at. you can look at him and tell he's hurting, so I guess this is why the conversation came about.
of course, my husband NEVER mentioned that just a year ago, his life became unraveled because of these exact drugs.
I am sick and anxious over his next appointment with the specialist. I am determined to go, to tell the doctor myself, and my husband doesn't want to be "babysat." my mom keeps telling me to let him go on his own if that's what he really wants, and to give him enough rope to see if he hangs himself.
what I want to do is intervene --- call the doctor myself before his appointment. I cannot stand the thought of him getting these pills "legitimately" so that he has every excuse to fall back into old ways. WHAT DO YOU DO IF A FORMER DRUG ADDICT NEEDS NARCOTICS???
I have thought about this exact scenario before, how I hoped to god with his line of work that he never wound up hurt... and here I am.
any advice is welcomed.
A little background: my husband admitted almost a year ago to the day that he had an addiction to oxycodone & Xanax, up and got on a plane to go to rehab in Tennessee last April... fast forward a year later & he's slipped up twice. I wouldn't call it full blown relapse but one time he fulfilled a script from his doctors for Percocet (FOR ATHLETES FOOT...WTF) and the other I found one pill in his safe, in a large baggie, where I am positive there were more to begin with. I've given random drug tests, all of which he's passed... and I walked out and stayed gone for over three weeks on one occasion, completely convinced he was using again. Never found out for sure, because I've learned in this horrendous journey, sometimes that isn't even the biggest problem.
ok, so NOW - I wish I said we lived happily ever after...
he is currently not in any kind of program but says the gym, our daughter and doing work outside landscaping our house is his anti-drug. I can't force him, so I've dropped the issue. he's also taken on a side job, renovating my grandparents house, with hardwood floors and new windows - all on his own.
he wakes up yesterday morning after spending the day at his real job, and the entire evening gutting the second floor of their house...
he is whimpering when he wakes me up. he says his hands are numb, he cant feel his fingers, they feel like they're burning, he can't get comfortable because his back and neck and shoulders are so sore.
completely hesitant, but also seeing with my own eyes his real pain, after staying up with him for almost 2 hours...I told him to go to the doctor.
the doctor referred him to a neck and spine specialist.
I am sick over him receiving narcotics. he hasn't - yet - but the urgentcare doc did say it may be something they need to consider short term until they can determine where/what nerve damage they're looking at. you can look at him and tell he's hurting, so I guess this is why the conversation came about.
of course, my husband NEVER mentioned that just a year ago, his life became unraveled because of these exact drugs.
I am sick and anxious over his next appointment with the specialist. I am determined to go, to tell the doctor myself, and my husband doesn't want to be "babysat." my mom keeps telling me to let him go on his own if that's what he really wants, and to give him enough rope to see if he hangs himself.
what I want to do is intervene --- call the doctor myself before his appointment. I cannot stand the thought of him getting these pills "legitimately" so that he has every excuse to fall back into old ways. WHAT DO YOU DO IF A FORMER DRUG ADDICT NEEDS NARCOTICS???
I have thought about this exact scenario before, how I hoped to god with his line of work that he never wound up hurt... and here I am.
any advice is welcomed.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Your mom is right about letting him go. He's going to do whatever he wants to do anyway, so why jump through hoops to try and stop him. If he can't get the drugs legally, he'll get them illegally. The point is, you can't control this.
Decide what is best for you and your daughter and then act accordingly.
Decide what is best for you and your daughter and then act accordingly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
what I picture happening..
he will go to the doctor.. the addiction will never be mentioned.
he will get the pain pills. and he'll hold it together for a while but it'll unravel again.
IT IS SO SCARY to me to not make a phone call, show up at the appointment, etc.
it feels like allowing him to use because I know he wont make the right decision.
god I sound ridiculous, I know. but I cant stand the thought of him using drugs PERIOD. whether he hurts or not. how awful.
he will go to the doctor.. the addiction will never be mentioned.
he will get the pain pills. and he'll hold it together for a while but it'll unravel again.
IT IS SO SCARY to me to not make a phone call, show up at the appointment, etc.
it feels like allowing him to use because I know he wont make the right decision.
god I sound ridiculous, I know. but I cant stand the thought of him using drugs PERIOD. whether he hurts or not. how awful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Could you ask him to be honest with the doctor? could you tell him how you feel, that you expect him to be working a recovery, in order to build trust and maintain your home together?
He should understand that, if he is serious about trying.
I am sorry that you are in such turmoil. You can't change him, control him, or cure him. It is his job, and I hope he makes the best choice here.
hugs
chicory
He should understand that, if he is serious about trying.
I am sorry that you are in such turmoil. You can't change him, control him, or cure him. It is his job, and I hope he makes the best choice here.
hugs
chicory
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
They are his decisions to make. He's an adult and has the right to make his own decisions, even if you don't agree with them.
On the other hand, you have the right to make decisions for the well being of yourself and your daughter. You don't have to live with addiction anymore.
On the other hand, you have the right to make decisions for the well being of yourself and your daughter. You don't have to live with addiction anymore.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
dear anxious - i am so sorry you are dealing with all this. you are not allowing anything, he is choosing. the addict in my life is my son. he had surgery about a month ago. i don't have any advise for you but would like to share my esh and maybe some observations.
i decided to read previous posts of yours and only got as far as your first post in your last thread. in my opinion your husband is in active addiction. it is a very scary place for those of us who love an addict. but nothing we do will prevent an addict from using. the decision to change comes from within themselves. add your little girl to the mix and it is a tragedy..... i know, my son has a child.
my son has been working his recovery hard for 10 months. he had emergency surgery at the beginning of the year and abused the drugs prescribed to him. he did not go back 'out' but it was extremely difficult for both of us and his recovery work was weakened. he got back into working his recovery once his medical conditions stabilized. he then had this latest surgery which he knew about in advance. he approached this with a lot of forethought - spoke with sponsor, got program friends on board, decided to have me hold the pain meds. we both felt prepared. we were not.
his addiction roared to life. again he did not go 'out' but he argued for more than prescribed, changed back to a person i don't know, made me want to cut all ties with him. brought me back to the times his addiction dominated our lives. i can't imagine how bad it would have been if we both weren't working our recoveries. he does na and i do alanon. we have tools. we felt prepared. we planned. and the experience was pure hell for both of us. i won't ever put myself through it again.
my son is back to his program and is stronger for the recent experience. i believe that is the case because of the tools he has, and also the strong boundaries i have. i do not know your details but i pray you can detach - physically and emotionally - if the situation doesn't feel safe. you are not crazy, if your gut says go - then go!
we are all here for you so keep posting and know we understand and want only the best for you and your daughter. alanon is a great face to face place for support. i do not believe you should tell his doctors, that needs to come from him imho.
i decided to read previous posts of yours and only got as far as your first post in your last thread. in my opinion your husband is in active addiction. it is a very scary place for those of us who love an addict. but nothing we do will prevent an addict from using. the decision to change comes from within themselves. add your little girl to the mix and it is a tragedy..... i know, my son has a child.
my son has been working his recovery hard for 10 months. he had emergency surgery at the beginning of the year and abused the drugs prescribed to him. he did not go back 'out' but it was extremely difficult for both of us and his recovery work was weakened. he got back into working his recovery once his medical conditions stabilized. he then had this latest surgery which he knew about in advance. he approached this with a lot of forethought - spoke with sponsor, got program friends on board, decided to have me hold the pain meds. we both felt prepared. we were not.
his addiction roared to life. again he did not go 'out' but he argued for more than prescribed, changed back to a person i don't know, made me want to cut all ties with him. brought me back to the times his addiction dominated our lives. i can't imagine how bad it would have been if we both weren't working our recoveries. he does na and i do alanon. we have tools. we felt prepared. we planned. and the experience was pure hell for both of us. i won't ever put myself through it again.
my son is back to his program and is stronger for the recent experience. i believe that is the case because of the tools he has, and also the strong boundaries i have. i do not know your details but i pray you can detach - physically and emotionally - if the situation doesn't feel safe. you are not crazy, if your gut says go - then go!
we are all here for you so keep posting and know we understand and want only the best for you and your daughter. alanon is a great face to face place for support. i do not believe you should tell his doctors, that needs to come from him imho.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
thank you so much for the replies.
I don't think he's in withdrawal, only because ive spent hundreds of dollars on the most comprehensive at home drug tests, and he's passed them all. and lately, he's been so active and its kind of the opposite of what normally happens when there is using - sleeping, withdrawal and avoidance.. I try to go on "using looks like using" because I get that horrible gut feeling when I know it.
but anyway, he said he'd let me keep the meds. we've already had the argument and don't even know what the doctor will do or prescribe. which Is bad. this is a very familiar anxiety and I hate it. SO. MUCH. my mind never stops buzzing about when the other shoe will drop. I have asked him if he will tell the doctor, and asked him to remember how absolutely horrible things were and have been - and I basically said, "please, let's not go back there again. I could never do it even one more time." he said he won't suffer in pain just bc he's had a problem before, and to ask him to do so is cruel.
he did say I can have whatever control over the pills that I need, should he get them. but he doesn't think its necessary to be present in front of any doctor, because that's embarrassing to him.
I do not believe him, or I wouldn't be here.
he says he never planned on getting so hurt that he can't sleep at night...
but I never "planned" on this being my life either. a lot of resentment here...can you tell?
I'm in counseling. it helps a lot, it does. but as soon as I walk back in my house I forget everything she's attempting to help me with. it sounds so rational and reasonable when I'm there, but when im talking about my life, my daughters life, and the man I married -it just won't stick.
I don't think he's in withdrawal, only because ive spent hundreds of dollars on the most comprehensive at home drug tests, and he's passed them all. and lately, he's been so active and its kind of the opposite of what normally happens when there is using - sleeping, withdrawal and avoidance.. I try to go on "using looks like using" because I get that horrible gut feeling when I know it.
but anyway, he said he'd let me keep the meds. we've already had the argument and don't even know what the doctor will do or prescribe. which Is bad. this is a very familiar anxiety and I hate it. SO. MUCH. my mind never stops buzzing about when the other shoe will drop. I have asked him if he will tell the doctor, and asked him to remember how absolutely horrible things were and have been - and I basically said, "please, let's not go back there again. I could never do it even one more time." he said he won't suffer in pain just bc he's had a problem before, and to ask him to do so is cruel.
he did say I can have whatever control over the pills that I need, should he get them. but he doesn't think its necessary to be present in front of any doctor, because that's embarrassing to him.
I do not believe him, or I wouldn't be here.
he says he never planned on getting so hurt that he can't sleep at night...
but I never "planned" on this being my life either. a lot of resentment here...can you tell?
I'm in counseling. it helps a lot, it does. but as soon as I walk back in my house I forget everything she's attempting to help me with. it sounds so rational and reasonable when I'm there, but when im talking about my life, my daughters life, and the man I married -it just won't stick.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Everyone is one step away from a injury where narcotics can give relief and help.
Everyone is one step away from having surgery for some accident or just something that needs to be corrected.
I really feel for you on your fears. Yet, I can't help but think that this future tripping and worrying isn't going to matter one little bit in the end.
People make choices. You are going to have to make a decision on what is best for you and your daughter. Period. To live in this myopic version of life, that's depending on what he does, may do, will do, might do....
no. It's not good for you, her or him.
Wishing I could of had time to write my experience with all this...as this post very much takes me back to very bad times - I guess I am lucky to really have to be quick since everyone is the house is yelling for something. gah.
Everyone is one step away from having surgery for some accident or just something that needs to be corrected.
I really feel for you on your fears. Yet, I can't help but think that this future tripping and worrying isn't going to matter one little bit in the end.
People make choices. You are going to have to make a decision on what is best for you and your daughter. Period. To live in this myopic version of life, that's depending on what he does, may do, will do, might do....
no. It's not good for you, her or him.
Wishing I could of had time to write my experience with all this...as this post very much takes me back to very bad times - I guess I am lucky to really have to be quick since everyone is the house is yelling for something. gah.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I think your heart and mind are in the right place because you only want to protect him from igniting an old addiction, harming himself and your family. Maybe he is afraid to tell his doctor about the drug problem because likely it will be recorded and he will have to be given a different protocol for treatment, possibly flagged for life? He thinks he can handle it, maybe he can.
If he is refusing your help in talking with the doctor then not a lot you can do, but continue to offer your support and show faith in his judgement. He asked you told hold any meds if he gets them? My husband gets a script from his doctor for an addictive anxiety med and I hold them per his request. He's told the doctor about our arrangement and he's on board with it too. He feels it gives an added layer of safety and doesnt bother me doing it, no problems so far. I worry too this could be what sets him off in the future. He is drug tested but because this is a script he would pass even if he was abusing it. If he slips back into that mind then I know he would bypass me and come up with another source. We will deal with it if it happens.
((hugs)) to you.
If he is refusing your help in talking with the doctor then not a lot you can do, but continue to offer your support and show faith in his judgement. He asked you told hold any meds if he gets them? My husband gets a script from his doctor for an addictive anxiety med and I hold them per his request. He's told the doctor about our arrangement and he's on board with it too. He feels it gives an added layer of safety and doesnt bother me doing it, no problems so far. I worry too this could be what sets him off in the future. He is drug tested but because this is a script he would pass even if he was abusing it. If he slips back into that mind then I know he would bypass me and come up with another source. We will deal with it if it happens.
((hugs)) to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he could be honest with the doc and state that he has problems with most pain meds and they could work on finding another solution. you guys are fighting about drugs he hasn't even prescribed yet! what does that say?
i get why you are concerned. but i'm not sure you being in control of drug administration is what is best FOR YOU. you already drug test him regularly....and perhaps, just maybe, you are realizing you really have over HIS problem. what if you stopped putting all your energy into HIS problems, and used that energy on what is in YOUR best interest?
i get why you are concerned. but i'm not sure you being in control of drug administration is what is best FOR YOU. you already drug test him regularly....and perhaps, just maybe, you are realizing you really have over HIS problem. what if you stopped putting all your energy into HIS problems, and used that energy on what is in YOUR best interest?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
It sure sounds like he has issues with his cervical spine. There are many solutions for that and I will tell you now, if he gets a good doctor there won’t be narcotics. I still haven’t met a neurologist who gives nor a spinal guy. My husband’s doesn’t and he didn’t care if my husband couldn’t walk, he just doesn’t. He though had a long list of anything else he could think of to try.
There are other solutions that can be tried before narcotics or any pill, like acupuncture which does help pain and things like Pt. There are also long term options for prevention, such as core strengthening and muscles strengthening and flexibility exercises …yoga, eating well, taking any extra weight off, staying hydrated, no smoking…. Limitations, accepting you ain’t 25 anymore especially if you are 50. Not easy as my husband has found …nor most men I know addict or not.
Then there are times where nothing will work except narcotics. This has to be accepted and if you can’t live in that you can’t. You have no control over the choices he makes and they aren’t yours. And in reading you really went on the future trip and maybe not for any good reason because you have no idea what will be suggested and what choice he will make.
Then there will be times nothing needs to be done, but to take a breath, wait a day or two and see what the body does on its own …
Addiction with pain complicates things.
There are no real options for non narcotic safe meds that are stronger than a Motrin or Aleve. You can take steroids, they work well but you shouldn’t do more than 1 or 2 courses a year and even that might not be good bone wise. Torodol is awesome for pain. You can get it as a shot in the er for pain … you can also get it by prescription but as of now you get 5 days worth. You can take it 5 days in a row or space it out to 5 different times and that is that and they don’t really know how long to wait and when it is safe to get another round… some people find some relief with lidocaine patches but this is about it.
Tramadol is out because it isn’t recommended for anyone with an opiate addiction and is so dangerous to abuse if one were to be set off. Tramadol is also addictive in its own right no matter how they want to tout it.
Now the issues …
Any addict who takes a pain med will wake up receptors which will scream more and more. It is gonna happen no matter what, no matter how good one’s recovery is. It is just a fact.
Another issue, doctors can be lazy. He doesn’t have to reveal his addiction and frankly I don’t recommend that but that is me … but he can go in and put narcotics as a last resort because of his job, or whatever reason he wants to make and ask what are my other options. If he doesn’t ask for other options and be a proactive patient he may not get any. Being proactive is so important!
I watch pain and recovery and really worked hard to stay out of my husband’s issues. It isn’t easy, because it would be so sad to see him go back out again because of pain …But my husband is a grown man, he has to do what he feels best even if he is deluding himself … He isn’t stupid, he has put the question on the table, is it just the pain, what else is going on, am I upset, am I exhausted am I worried about anything …
It just sucks…
Tomorrow is another day, it may bring a totally different reality, so try not to get to ahead of yourself.
There are other solutions that can be tried before narcotics or any pill, like acupuncture which does help pain and things like Pt. There are also long term options for prevention, such as core strengthening and muscles strengthening and flexibility exercises …yoga, eating well, taking any extra weight off, staying hydrated, no smoking…. Limitations, accepting you ain’t 25 anymore especially if you are 50. Not easy as my husband has found …nor most men I know addict or not.
Then there are times where nothing will work except narcotics. This has to be accepted and if you can’t live in that you can’t. You have no control over the choices he makes and they aren’t yours. And in reading you really went on the future trip and maybe not for any good reason because you have no idea what will be suggested and what choice he will make.
Then there will be times nothing needs to be done, but to take a breath, wait a day or two and see what the body does on its own …
Addiction with pain complicates things.
There are no real options for non narcotic safe meds that are stronger than a Motrin or Aleve. You can take steroids, they work well but you shouldn’t do more than 1 or 2 courses a year and even that might not be good bone wise. Torodol is awesome for pain. You can get it as a shot in the er for pain … you can also get it by prescription but as of now you get 5 days worth. You can take it 5 days in a row or space it out to 5 different times and that is that and they don’t really know how long to wait and when it is safe to get another round… some people find some relief with lidocaine patches but this is about it.
Tramadol is out because it isn’t recommended for anyone with an opiate addiction and is so dangerous to abuse if one were to be set off. Tramadol is also addictive in its own right no matter how they want to tout it.
Now the issues …
Any addict who takes a pain med will wake up receptors which will scream more and more. It is gonna happen no matter what, no matter how good one’s recovery is. It is just a fact.
Another issue, doctors can be lazy. He doesn’t have to reveal his addiction and frankly I don’t recommend that but that is me … but he can go in and put narcotics as a last resort because of his job, or whatever reason he wants to make and ask what are my other options. If he doesn’t ask for other options and be a proactive patient he may not get any. Being proactive is so important!
I watch pain and recovery and really worked hard to stay out of my husband’s issues. It isn’t easy, because it would be so sad to see him go back out again because of pain …But my husband is a grown man, he has to do what he feels best even if he is deluding himself … He isn’t stupid, he has put the question on the table, is it just the pain, what else is going on, am I upset, am I exhausted am I worried about anything …
It just sucks…
Tomorrow is another day, it may bring a totally different reality, so try not to get to ahead of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 458
It sounds like carpal tunnel. They usually do an ENG test.
He can wear a brace- and do exercises for it. There is a series of injections- and in worse case he can get the surgery.
Watch how he sleeps- as the wrong position can aggravate the nerve.
If you spent hundreds of $ on drug testing him it sounds to me like there is no marriage. You are mothering him- he should be a man and the wife is supposed to obey the man.
You dont trust him. This via the hundreds of $ drug testing- you have become his mother-you are no longer the wife.
Dump him and find someone who treats you like a queen. That guy wants a mother, he is an over grown little boy. You enable him to be this.
Dont waste the best years of your life on him.
You deserve better.
Is the status quo acceptable?
He can wear a brace- and do exercises for it. There is a series of injections- and in worse case he can get the surgery.
Watch how he sleeps- as the wrong position can aggravate the nerve.
If you spent hundreds of $ on drug testing him it sounds to me like there is no marriage. You are mothering him- he should be a man and the wife is supposed to obey the man.
You dont trust him. This via the hundreds of $ drug testing- you have become his mother-you are no longer the wife.
Dump him and find someone who treats you like a queen. That guy wants a mother, he is an over grown little boy. You enable him to be this.
Dont waste the best years of your life on him.
You deserve better.
Is the status quo acceptable?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
"The wife is supposed to obey the man"
And the husband is supposed to love & cherish the wife & family.
No one should have to obey anyone. If I have to obey my husband then he has to no longer be an addict-Not possible.
Sorry, but, I have a really hard time with that idea. A marriage should be a partnership between equals. My 2 year old has to obey me. My husband tells me I have to have do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc as well as work full time...I say F*ck you. I don't tell him what to do, he doesn't tell me what to do. We can discuss things we want from each other & our relationship as equals. I'd rather be loved & respected than treated like a queen. If he treats me like a queen it's because he is doing something shady & wants to feel better about his own wrong actions.
Anxious, I am sorry for your situation. My husband is almost 2 months sober, and I have a lot of fear for the future. Right now things are going okay, thankfully. So I don't have any advice. I stayed with my husband despite believing that I probably shouldn't- I want to honor my vows and give him a chance. If we don't work out, I want there to be no regrets on my end that I didn't try to make the marriage work. However, if he falls back into active addiction, lying etc, that is my boundary line. I can accept relapse if he is honest & doesn't continue to use. We have a son & another child on the way, and I don't feel like an active addict in the house is healthy for any of us.
I really only posted because I was so angry at the last post on the thread. Although good points were made about the possibility of carpal tunnel being the problem.
And I do agree that spending hundreds on drug tests seems like too much. However, I am very fiscally tightfisted, and I also know that he could fake any drug test I gave him if he knew it was coming, so I personally would not waste the money on a regular basis. It is not something I won't do, but he will not be expecting it if I ever feel the need to, so my hope is that it would be accurate.
And the husband is supposed to love & cherish the wife & family.
No one should have to obey anyone. If I have to obey my husband then he has to no longer be an addict-Not possible.
Sorry, but, I have a really hard time with that idea. A marriage should be a partnership between equals. My 2 year old has to obey me. My husband tells me I have to have do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc as well as work full time...I say F*ck you. I don't tell him what to do, he doesn't tell me what to do. We can discuss things we want from each other & our relationship as equals. I'd rather be loved & respected than treated like a queen. If he treats me like a queen it's because he is doing something shady & wants to feel better about his own wrong actions.
Anxious, I am sorry for your situation. My husband is almost 2 months sober, and I have a lot of fear for the future. Right now things are going okay, thankfully. So I don't have any advice. I stayed with my husband despite believing that I probably shouldn't- I want to honor my vows and give him a chance. If we don't work out, I want there to be no regrets on my end that I didn't try to make the marriage work. However, if he falls back into active addiction, lying etc, that is my boundary line. I can accept relapse if he is honest & doesn't continue to use. We have a son & another child on the way, and I don't feel like an active addict in the house is healthy for any of us.
I really only posted because I was so angry at the last post on the thread. Although good points were made about the possibility of carpal tunnel being the problem.
And I do agree that spending hundreds on drug tests seems like too much. However, I am very fiscally tightfisted, and I also know that he could fake any drug test I gave him if he knew it was coming, so I personally would not waste the money on a regular basis. It is not something I won't do, but he will not be expecting it if I ever feel the need to, so my hope is that it would be accurate.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Please take my following comments as well intentioned...I do not know your husband, but you seem unsure of the situation, so I will share.
My husband complained of chronic headaches for years, stress, suspected tumours...endless cat scans. He was eating codeine like lollies and I was very naive. My pharmacist friend expressed concern and I discussed this with my husband. I was overreacting. But I'd find pills in his shirt pockets and I wanted to believe he was not taking too many.
One day he comes home, tells me he has to go to inpatient rehab, he's been blacklisted at several pharmacies....smoking dope secretively....my whole facade of what I wanted to believe fell down around me.
2 months out of rehab, I saw the old routines return. Secretiveness (like going out alone when he didn't need to)....defensiveness over nothing. I just had a bad feeling. Oh and chronic headaches returned, except this time I knew it was part of withdrawal...he was using again.
I left him, on the premise I was prepared to work on the marriage absolutely - give it 6 months for him to sort himself out, but also make a stand that I was not going to be engaged in that behaviour.
I'm very sad to say, he never really recovered. I don't know how many stints he's had in rehab, he's developed schizophrenia. I will always love him and feel sad for how his life turned out. He deserved so much better, but if he wasn't prepared to give himself the best life possible...I couldn't risk being taken along for the ride.
My husband complained of chronic headaches for years, stress, suspected tumours...endless cat scans. He was eating codeine like lollies and I was very naive. My pharmacist friend expressed concern and I discussed this with my husband. I was overreacting. But I'd find pills in his shirt pockets and I wanted to believe he was not taking too many.
One day he comes home, tells me he has to go to inpatient rehab, he's been blacklisted at several pharmacies....smoking dope secretively....my whole facade of what I wanted to believe fell down around me.
2 months out of rehab, I saw the old routines return. Secretiveness (like going out alone when he didn't need to)....defensiveness over nothing. I just had a bad feeling. Oh and chronic headaches returned, except this time I knew it was part of withdrawal...he was using again.
I left him, on the premise I was prepared to work on the marriage absolutely - give it 6 months for him to sort himself out, but also make a stand that I was not going to be engaged in that behaviour.
I'm very sad to say, he never really recovered. I don't know how many stints he's had in rehab, he's developed schizophrenia. I will always love him and feel sad for how his life turned out. He deserved so much better, but if he wasn't prepared to give himself the best life possible...I couldn't risk being taken along for the ride.
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