Left my alcoholic partner
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 5
Left my alcoholic partner
I've done all I can-but we've been let down by so many people.
The GP was useless, they refused to medicate and referred him to a group who were useless, said he wasn't bad enough, refused to put him in rehab, and were very, very judgemental.
GP put him on 8 weeks waiting list for psychiatrist. I felt we couldn't wait that long. We went private. Psychiatrist gave medication for Bi Polar disorder (he may or may not have?Maybe-a lot of symptoms fit and he was likely self-medicating with alcohol. Medication didnt' do a scrap of good.
Counselling, meh-did help him with a lot of things.
CBT-he only went once this was more recent.
Ive been with him almost 3 years. We made a lot of plans. I thought he was the one and I really beleive he felt the same. In fact I know he did, but I didnt' know about the alcohol issue. I was 'drip fed' it. I knew he was a drinker, but I am a drinker too!I just had no idea the extent of it with him. A few tell tale signs slipped in here and there but never seemed so serious.
I had to move out of the house we shared because I couldn't cope with the state of it. Please note I don't mean mess, I mean it was literally falling apart and all he did was sit about all day and drink. I offered money to fix everything up and he wouldn't allow it (It's his house). Hardly any of the lights work, there's rubble and mess and clutter everywhere, It's awful but I moved in on the promise that we'd fix it up together. Nothing's happened though.
And the other day I visited and told him enough was enough, I'm leaving. I hoped it woudl do him good and if I was an optimist...Well he's told me he's going into his own 'rehab' now. Said he needs a couple of days with no disturbance, and he'll cut down drastically.
He's at risk of losing his job and It's a good job. IF he loses his job he'll lose his house.
I'm so scared, and so sad as he's such a great person under all of this.
I don't know how I can help. Authorities and groups have failed him.We've hit so many brick walls. Is anything over the counter or any foods/drinks that'll help?
Thanks , sorry if this in the wrong place.
The GP was useless, they refused to medicate and referred him to a group who were useless, said he wasn't bad enough, refused to put him in rehab, and were very, very judgemental.
GP put him on 8 weeks waiting list for psychiatrist. I felt we couldn't wait that long. We went private. Psychiatrist gave medication for Bi Polar disorder (he may or may not have?Maybe-a lot of symptoms fit and he was likely self-medicating with alcohol. Medication didnt' do a scrap of good.
Counselling, meh-did help him with a lot of things.
CBT-he only went once this was more recent.
Ive been with him almost 3 years. We made a lot of plans. I thought he was the one and I really beleive he felt the same. In fact I know he did, but I didnt' know about the alcohol issue. I was 'drip fed' it. I knew he was a drinker, but I am a drinker too!I just had no idea the extent of it with him. A few tell tale signs slipped in here and there but never seemed so serious.
I had to move out of the house we shared because I couldn't cope with the state of it. Please note I don't mean mess, I mean it was literally falling apart and all he did was sit about all day and drink. I offered money to fix everything up and he wouldn't allow it (It's his house). Hardly any of the lights work, there's rubble and mess and clutter everywhere, It's awful but I moved in on the promise that we'd fix it up together. Nothing's happened though.
And the other day I visited and told him enough was enough, I'm leaving. I hoped it woudl do him good and if I was an optimist...Well he's told me he's going into his own 'rehab' now. Said he needs a couple of days with no disturbance, and he'll cut down drastically.
He's at risk of losing his job and It's a good job. IF he loses his job he'll lose his house.
I'm so scared, and so sad as he's such a great person under all of this.
I don't know how I can help. Authorities and groups have failed him.We've hit so many brick walls. Is anything over the counter or any foods/drinks that'll help?
Thanks , sorry if this in the wrong place.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Denmark
Posts: 113
Try to make him understand (in the most loving but firm way) that his life is falling apart very fast now if he does'nt break the chain
Can you help him stop drinking? support him I mean
Would you move back in if he stopped drinking?
Can you help him stop drinking? support him I mean
Would you move back in if he stopped drinking?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Hi Odette and welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, from how you describe it, there is nothing you can do. Until he realizes he cannot drink at all and gets outside assistance, this will continue. Suggest AA to him.
In the mean time look at the friends and family section of this site. Some will suggest alanon to you. Read up on it. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects individuals.
Your story is not uncommon. There are many variations of it. 12 years ago my wife left me, and I didn't think I had a problem at all. SHE was the one with the problem.
Good luck. Do not torture yourself. As I already said, unless he totally accepts his condition and wants to fix the problem, all of your 'help' will be fruitless.
There is no medicine or magic cure you can pick up at the pharmacy or grocery store. There may be help aids available but he must go through a medical doctor/therapist for an evaluation for this. But in the end, nothing works except the person wanting to stop himself.
Hope you understand this. Good luck
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, from how you describe it, there is nothing you can do. Until he realizes he cannot drink at all and gets outside assistance, this will continue. Suggest AA to him.
In the mean time look at the friends and family section of this site. Some will suggest alanon to you. Read up on it. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects individuals.
Your story is not uncommon. There are many variations of it. 12 years ago my wife left me, and I didn't think I had a problem at all. SHE was the one with the problem.
Good luck. Do not torture yourself. As I already said, unless he totally accepts his condition and wants to fix the problem, all of your 'help' will be fruitless.
There is no medicine or magic cure you can pick up at the pharmacy or grocery store. There may be help aids available but he must go through a medical doctor/therapist for an evaluation for this. But in the end, nothing works except the person wanting to stop himself.
Hope you understand this. Good luck
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You may want to have a look at our friends and family forum. Check it out.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by Makrellen 
Try to make him understand (in the most loving but firm way) that his life is falling apart very fast now if he does'nt break the chain
Can you help him stop drinking? support him I mean
Would you move back in if he stopped drinking?
Can you help him stop drinking? support him I mean
Would you move back in if he stopped drinking?
I have told him I'm still there for him.
No. I no longer trust him enough to want to put money into the property for a future together, given how he's been the last three years and without money put into it, It's just a)too horrid for me to want to be in it and b) to symbolic of all that's gone wrong.
Originally Posted by LBrain
Hi Odette and welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, from how you describe it, there is nothing you can do. Until he realizes he cannot drink at all and gets outside assistance, this will continue. Suggest AA to him.
In the mean time look at the friends and family section of this site. Some will suggest alanon to you. Read up on it. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects individuals.
Your story is not uncommon. There are many variations of it. 12 years ago my wife left me, and I didn't think I had a problem at all. SHE was the one with the problem.
Good luck. Do not torture yourself. As I already said, unless he totally accepts his condition and wants to fix the problem, all of your 'help' will be fruitless.
There is no medicine or magic cure you can pick up at the pharmacy or grocery store. There may be help aids available but he must go through a medical doctor/therapist for an evaluation for this. But in the end, nothing works except the person wanting to stop himself.
Hope you understand this. Good luck
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, from how you describe it, there is nothing you can do. Until he realizes he cannot drink at all and gets outside assistance, this will continue. Suggest AA to him.
In the mean time look at the friends and family section of this site. Some will suggest alanon to you. Read up on it. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects individuals.
Your story is not uncommon. There are many variations of it. 12 years ago my wife left me, and I didn't think I had a problem at all. SHE was the one with the problem.
Good luck. Do not torture yourself. As I already said, unless he totally accepts his condition and wants to fix the problem, all of your 'help' will be fruitless.
There is no medicine or magic cure you can pick up at the pharmacy or grocery store. There may be help aids available but he must go through a medical doctor/therapist for an evaluation for this. But in the end, nothing works except the person wanting to stop himself.
Hope you understand this. Good luck
Yes of course. Thanks. He won't go to AA because the group (similar to AA) that he was referred to were rubbish, and they're meant to be 'better' than the AA (as in not religious, more professional etc). They did operate on the same basis and similar structure though, they told him he wasn't bad enough for rehab, and they would discharge him soon (I suspect he lied to them) and then they made a judgmental comment about me, and he got upset with them because of that, and left. The individual in question has been reported but he's left the organisation now so I'm not sure anything will happen.
I wasn't expecting a magic cure-I'm a lot of things but naive isn't one.
I have spoken to Alanon as well when I first realised about this.
I was more looking for any vitamins that are known to help ease symptoms, or any ideas for what he could be doing that would help (somebody recommended knitting when I asked at the last bipolar group but don't think that's really his thing).
His GP haven't been very good at all. They're not allowed to give him medication and the medication he's on for bipolar haven't worked for bipolar(I was hoping they'd make him feel better so he didn't drink so much).
He's aware he has a problem but it doesn't make him stop.
Originally Posted by least
You may want to have a look at our friends and family forum. Check it out.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Posts: 2,229
Originally Posted by LBrain
Hi Odette and welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, from how you describe it, there is nothing you can do. Until he realizes he cannot drink at all and gets outside assistance, this will continue. Suggest AA to him.
In the mean time look at the friends and family section of this site. Some will suggest alanon to you. Read up on it. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects individuals.
Your story is not uncommon. There are many variations of it. 12 years ago my wife left me, and I didn't think I had a problem at all. SHE was the one with the problem.
Good luck. Do not torture yourself. As I already said, unless he totally accepts his condition and wants to fix the problem, all of your 'help' will be fruitless.
There is no medicine or magic cure you can pick up at the pharmacy or grocery store. There may be help aids available but he must go through a medical doctor/therapist for an evaluation for this. But in the end, nothing works except the person wanting to stop himself.
Hope you understand this. Good luck
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately, from how you describe it, there is nothing you can do. Until he realizes he cannot drink at all and gets outside assistance, this will continue. Suggest AA to him.
In the mean time look at the friends and family section of this site. Some will suggest alanon to you. Read up on it. Learn about alcoholism and how it affects individuals.
Your story is not uncommon. There are many variations of it. 12 years ago my wife left me, and I didn't think I had a problem at all. SHE was the one with the problem.
Good luck. Do not torture yourself. As I already said, unless he totally accepts his condition and wants to fix the problem, all of your 'help' will be fruitless.
There is no medicine or magic cure you can pick up at the pharmacy or grocery store. There may be help aids available but he must go through a medical doctor/therapist for an evaluation for this. But in the end, nothing works except the person wanting to stop himself.
Hope you understand this. Good luck
Best of luck, you will find excellent support here. I could not have made it through the past 8 days without the people here at SR.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
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Thank you -thanks for all the replies. I am scared he'll lose his job and his house
Back to his alcoholism: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and unfortunately you cannot cure it
All you will manage to do is make yourself sick with worry but ultimately unless he wants to do it, you are powerless over his alcoholism. There is not way you can make him see the light or force him to quit and take care of his responsibilities. If there was a way to cure alcoholism, it would be a sticky both here and on the F and F forum.
I know it hurts, but all you can do is detach with love: trying to fix him, help him, worry about him will only make me sick and will not do anything for him.
hen they made a judgmental comment about me, and he got upset with them because of that, and left.
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Originally Posted by ccam1973
Glad you found SR, good luck and welcome. As LB said, there is truly no magic cure. Many great tools and support aids to help the process, but no magic cure... In the end, the person must want to stop for themselves. I have made the decision to never drink again. I'm only on day 8 but after 20 years of hard drinking my decision is final. My wife on the other hand, still drinks daily. I encourage her and let her know I will support her in every way I can when she wants to quit. But she has to make that decision for herself, otherwise the process does not work; IMO.
Best of luck, you will find excellent support here. I could not have made it through the past 8 days without the people here at SR.
Best of luck, you will find excellent support here. I could not have made it through the past 8 days without the people here at SR.
Yes... It's not something I could empathise with is it.
Originally Posted by Carlotta
Welcome to the forum Odette. I hope you will join us at the Friends and Family forum. You also mentioned that you were a drinker and if you feel you want to quit, you will find a lot of support here too.
Back to his alcoholism: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and unfortunately you cannot cure it
All you will manage to do is make yourself sick with worry but ultimately unless he wants to do it, you are powerless over his alcoholism. There is not way you can make him see the light or force him to quit and take care of his responsibilities. If there was a way to cure alcoholism, it would be a sticky both here and on the F and F forum.
I know it hurts, but all you can do is detach with love: trying to fix him, help him, worry about him will only make me sick and will not do anything for him.
That's what he told you!!! I would take what anything an active alcoholic who is not ready to give recovery 100 percent says with a grain of salt. Us codies call it quacking and I d bet anything that it's a story he concocted so he could get you off his back for not going back (after all they were attacking you and of course, loving partner/knight in shining armor that he is he had to stand up for his lady and could not stay around people who badmouthed you LOL). Not only it got you off his back but it turned him into the good guy..typical addict manipulative bs. He used you as an excuse to continue his addiction.
Back to his alcoholism: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and unfortunately you cannot cure it
All you will manage to do is make yourself sick with worry but ultimately unless he wants to do it, you are powerless over his alcoholism. There is not way you can make him see the light or force him to quit and take care of his responsibilities. If there was a way to cure alcoholism, it would be a sticky both here and on the F and F forum.
I know it hurts, but all you can do is detach with love: trying to fix him, help him, worry about him will only make me sick and will not do anything for him.
That's what he told you!!! I would take what anything an active alcoholic who is not ready to give recovery 100 percent says with a grain of salt. Us codies call it quacking and I d bet anything that it's a story he concocted so he could get you off his back for not going back (after all they were attacking you and of course, loving partner/knight in shining armor that he is he had to stand up for his lady and could not stay around people who badmouthed you LOL). Not only it got you off his back but it turned him into the good guy..typical addict manipulative bs. He used you as an excuse to continue his addiction.
It is very apt I agree he has told me many lies-unfortunately I do believe he was telling the truth here. (Cultural differences involved) and he told me it long after he had quit...Said he didn't want to upset me at the time...I would have thought that wouldn't be the case if he wasn't telling the truth..Probably would have admitted it instead of writing a letter of complaint, too!
Regardless I guess for whatever reason he hasn't gone back...And I don't think he will.
Thanks for the offer of support... I'm not an addict but this situation has definitely put me off even drinking a small amount!
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My heart hurts for you. I understand what you are going through from both sides of the fence. The man I love is a drug addict (and also diagnosed possibly bipolar) and well, I'm some sort of drunkard. Logically, I know the most loving thing one can do for someone in addiction is not stick around and watch them die if they are NOT trying to help themselves..if they are resisting options of aid.
Easier said than done...believe me I know. You need time to sort yourself out and support to do so. Bright blessings to you friend.
Easier said than done...believe me I know. You need time to sort yourself out and support to do so. Bright blessings to you friend.
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn
My heart hurts for you. I understand what you are going through from both sides of the fence. The man I love is a drug addict (and also diagnosed possibly bipolar) and well, I'm some sort of drunkard. Logically, I know the most loving thing one can do for someone in addiction is not stick around and watch them die if they are NOT trying to help themselves..if they are resisting options of aid.
Easier said than done...believe me I know. You need time to sort yourself out and support to do so. Bright blessings to you friend.
Easier said than done...believe me I know. You need time to sort yourself out and support to do so. Bright blessings to you friend.
I can be a 'drunkard' too lol but I mean on occasion, not all day every day
And yes it was killing me sitting watching him deteriorate
I've been to a counsellor myself since leaving...I agree with you on the last paragraph.
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I'm glad you reached out for some help Odette. It's a heartbreaking situation & I went through it many years ago. In my case I foolishly believed things would get better - and almost went down with the ship. It's good that you see reality and are taking action. 
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Odette Welcome to SR! I'm not drinking but I know I can't. Your story sounds a lot like mine only you are on the other side of it. How and why I still have my SO, I don't know? Had the shoe been on the other foot, I likely would have left many years ago. She could not make me stop anymore then you can make him stop, you need to get away for a while , if he truly loves you he will wake up! If not you need to get on with your life. You can be supportive from a distance if you wish, but until he opens his eyes and sees what it has done to him, it will kill you and perhaps bring you to following him hoping if you are near him you might control his drinking. That Odette will not happen, but might escalate your drinking! Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Thanks for all the responses. I would love to find a way to get him some benzodiazepines to ease the symptoms of withdrawal as I think this would help immensely. But I've been trying for ages to find a way to get them and I haven't been able to.
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Hello Odette,
The 3 C's come to mind here. You didn't cause his alcoholism. You can't control it. You cannot cure him.
It is his job. It is his ramshackle house. It sounds like you are more concerned about losing these items more than he is.
Hope to see you on the friends and family boards. Welcome!
The 3 C's come to mind here. You didn't cause his alcoholism. You can't control it. You cannot cure him.
It is his job. It is his ramshackle house. It sounds like you are more concerned about losing these items more than he is.
Hope to see you on the friends and family boards. Welcome!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 638
I'd agree with the above that it is practically impossible to control someone who wants to drink, but from experience I'd still say that support and a motive are always helpful, on the rational side, and may even give a little kick for a longer sobriety timeline, but maybe not enough to make things permanent.
A GP could find themselves liable for malpractise for not helping their patients (in the best way). It is a shame that some of the medical community are so ignorant of things. Luckily I believe most are not. As for vitamins, I personally use and used a multivitamin with green tea and less caffeine. I guess it worked.
A GP could find themselves liable for malpractise for not helping their patients (in the best way). It is a shame that some of the medical community are so ignorant of things. Luckily I believe most are not. As for vitamins, I personally use and used a multivitamin with green tea and less caffeine. I guess it worked.
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