kat1973

Just venting...

The last 4 hours of this night felt like one big fat huge lonely eternity.

After having a good morning at work >first day back after a long absence due to MH issues, and after having a nice lunch with mum and a play with her kitten, my mood and feelings of hope were dashed by a conversation had with AXB. I bet nobody is surprised!

Once again, I experienced just what a terrible liar he is. He made up some b/s story about going to a concert tonight with some dude who I know for a fact he does not socialize with. I suspect that he is going out on a date with some new GF, possibly the one he cheated on me with.

Strangely enough I felt very nervous about taking his call, I was sure something about it would upset me. I was shaking, heart palpitations, felt nauseous when I heard/saw his call coming through. Even my body was telling me something. I wish I'd never taking the call.

I felt the need to reach out for the Diazepam, the Codeine but had already had my dose for the day. I couldn't stop obsessing about him being out there having a great time whilst I sat home waiting for time to pass.

I fear that I may not sleep or may wake during the night obsessing. I am afraid. I need to be up at 6am, need to get myself to work.

I am afraid of losing my sanity once again, triggered by this conversation.

Ann

Block his calls, Kat, before you let the obsessing drive you crazy.

The reality is probably far less magnificent than what you imagined so don't beat yourself up obsessing about him, do something nice for yourself instead and I promise it will help.

Hugs

chicory

Ann is right, Kat. the reality of his doings are probably quite ugly and not something you would ever want in your life.
You deserve better.

your feelings tell you something. perhaps that not talking to him would give you freedom. I agree on blocking his calls.. who needs them?

big hug.

kat1973

Thank You Ann & Chicory.

Posting last night, venting, helped me get to sleep. Although I did wake up with an emotional hangover.

I want to know as little as possible what he does with his time. Either way, I know what he tells me is total and utter b/s.

I'm not quite ready to block his calls but if I get that anxious and sickly feeling when he calls, I won't pick up. I'd like to start trusting my instinct, it never let's me down, it seems.

I agree that what he may be doing is not as glamourous as I envisage, there is rarely anything glamorous or exciting about the way the addict lives his/her life.

I slept well and made it to work, that's what matters today.

Ann

That's so true, Kat. There is no glamor side of addiction, it's ugly through and through.

Glad you got some sleep.

Hugs

zoso77

It always amazes me that someone on the other side of the globe has gone through or is going through similar experiences to mine. So here's the view from my perch in North America: stop torturing yourself and get back to your life.

As soon as you allow someone to hijack your thoughts and your life the way you've allowed your AXBF to, you're not living anymore. What you are is shackled to a sick person that by extension is making you sick. And this is a choice you're making, staying shackled.

A hundred years from now, someone Down Under is going to be going through the same stuff as you are, and they will be confronted by the same fork in the road as you are. You can either get back to your life and allow your AXBF a piece of your heart (which is fine), or you can continue on the path you're on. And since you're here telling us about this path you're on, it's not working for you.

We've got one shot at this life. Only one. Take yours back and live it the way it should be lived.

ZoSo