Blended family- I think he's leaving with his kids

Old 04-29-2014, 08:02 AM
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Blended family- I think he's leaving with his kids

My husband has been an alcoholic for as long as I have known him. He was in recovery when I started dating him. Now he has relapsed. It's been about two years of hard core drinking, fighting, etc.

He's been drinking pretty hard since my ex (father of my kids) died a year ago. Says I must love ex more than him because I cried when I heard he died. Still to this day is blaming me for loving someone else and making him feel like a "piece of ****".

I have three children and he has two. We have none together.

I think he wants to leave me. We got into an argument this morning ( I saw it coming a mile away. It is day three of sobriety, and it always seems like the 2-3rd day without drinking makes him extremely hostile...until we fight and then it is the PERFECT excuse to grab some beer right?)

He keeps threatening to leave me. I keep telling him I don't want him to, that I love him, yada yada....but this morning I told him if he wanted to leave then just do it and quit threatening me.

He said he wants to talk to me tonight about it.

I'm scared. I do love him with all my heart. We have been in counseling for two months now...he says it's been helping. I think it has too....maybe not enough.
I'm scared he is going to take my (technically his) children with him. We have been a family for five years now....I love those two kids with everything I have. I'm scared for my kids (bio kids).

He would never leave his kids behind, so there is no way I could ask him to let them stay.

Dammit, I have loved this man as much as I can. I'm exhausted. I'm literally sick about it....

What about his kids? Can I just let them walk away? He's never been abusive or neglectful to the kids, even when he drinks. He's always the fun (almost too fun) playful drunk with the kids and a mean drunk to me......

Why do I feel like the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders and it's crushing me?
Do I just let him go? Play the whole "if it was meant to be, he'll come back" thing? Do I put up a fight? What do I tell the kids if he does leave? What do I tell HIS kids about them leaving me? Our oldest is 13 and our youngest is 8....the oldest 2 are his, the youngest 3 are mine.....13,12,11,10,8.

God, I feel so lost.
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Old 04-29-2014, 08:17 AM
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I wish I had some words of wisdom. You have no legal right to his children, how awful.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you think he would consider rehab??

Tight Hugs.
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Old 04-29-2014, 08:19 AM
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freetosmile--have you considered the possibility of him living in a sober living house during the early months of sobriety. Many, many alcoholics do this. This might be more humane for all involved.

Just a suggestion.....

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Old 04-29-2014, 08:22 AM
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Do either of you have a counselor who you can talk to? A Licensed Addictions Counselor would be best. Calling rehab centers and asking to talk to someone may be possible, just to get some neutral input here. Ask about programs they may have for each of you.

Early recovery is hard for everyone and getting through the first days, weeks and months by white-knuckling needs a lot more support. AA, Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, etc. but often more support is needed in the form of a formal program. If he's not up for it and leaves, you can still keep working your own program. As much as you want to, you can't do this for him. If he keeps trying to quit on his own, perhaps he is wanting help -- still, you can only ask and can't force it.

How is your own recovery going? Are you getting help for both sides of the street for yourself? Take care of you first and foremost, then you'll be able to be there for the kids. (((hugs)))
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Old 04-29-2014, 08:35 AM
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my own recovery is sucking pretty bad right now....I found out I have two herniated disks in my neck. I've been doing physical therapy and chiropractic, but Doc did offer me pain pills and as much as I know I have an addiction to pills, I had to take them because the pain is so unbearable right now. I've not been "abusing" them, I'm using them according to the label directions. But it does scare me and the pain in immense.
We have al anon meetings once a week where I live and I plan to go to the next one.
AH is going to AA- but has not really dove in to the program yet. He would say no to a treatment....I think he is still in denial. Of course a lot of his drinking stems from me being in love with another man, so why does HE need the help...that's what he would say.
I'll figure this out. I know I will. God help me I will. Or if I can't, then maybe it would just be better if he left and got it over with. At least then, the healing could begin.
The rollercoaster is getting out of control and I'm not buckled in...Thanks for all the comments.
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Old 04-29-2014, 08:38 AM
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Two years of hard core drinking and fighting is what you wrote.
Why is it you want to continue with that ?
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Old 04-29-2014, 08:47 AM
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You are so right Captain...that is what I wrote. The answer is no. It's the person he is when he is sober that I love....
Or perhaps...and this is as HONEST as I can possibly be....it makes it easier for me to play the victim. I can say "oh poor me, look how good I am and how mean you are to me."
I have realized that I play the victim very well. Starting to find out that there are no victims in my situation, only choices. ( besides the children, who are the most important victims of this).
I have chose to stay. I want to support his sobriety. I want to create a life together. I want a healthy relationship. But when it gets to the point that I'm compromising myself in order to accommodate his alcoholism and allowing myself to be belittled and abused, then it becomes a choice.
How long is too long to hang on? At what point do you say, ok, this is it?
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:00 AM
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You're learning what you want, what you need and figuring out a way to get there. Those are huge things! Give yourself credit for this.
Kudos for realizing that you have choices!

Our rehab counselor told me: don't ask what you want, ask yourself what you need. The same thing to ask my husband. Not what he wants to do. What does he need to do for himself? Also: play this tape to the end. How does it end?

That helps me sort things out a bit. YMMV
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:01 AM
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We have been in counseling for two months now...he says it's been helping.
Is it helping you?

when it gets to the point that I'm compromising myself in order to accommodate his alcoholism and allowing myself to be belittled and abused, then it becomes a choice.
How long is too long to hang on? At what point do you say, ok, this is it?
If you ask me, every day you allow yourself to be belittled and abused is a day you are harmed and hurt and diminished. Every day you allow that makes it harder to leave.

I thought I could handle it. That I was stronger. That my love would be enough. I spent 20 years married to an abusive alcoholic. I've been divorced for four. So I would say every day you hang on to an abusive relationship is too long. But I also know that saying it is easier than leaving.
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:08 AM
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Lillamy, thank you for that.

And again, if I lose him...I lose his kids. I may decide that I want to try to stick this out, and he might tell me tonight that he is leaving.
Regardless, if I leave him or if he leaves me...I lose his kids. My kids lose his kids. His kids lose me and my kids...
I'm nervous that if he tells me tonight that he wants to leave, I won't have time to properly talk to his kids and give them time to digest everything. They are pretty oblivious to our marriage problems, so they wouldn't see this coming.
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:14 AM
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If there is a divorce eventually, it can be put in the order for shared custody of all kids. If that is the only reason why you stay, it can be worked around.
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:18 AM
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I would not hold your breath on that. If they are his children only, there would be no legal claim to them. That being said, is he a person who cares enough about his kids to allow visitation with you or your kids b/c it is the right thing to do? That is what I would try for if at all possible.

Maybe I am wrong here but I believe the only way that can be put into the order is voluntarily.

Originally Posted by inpieces314 View Post
If there is a divorce eventually, it can be put in the order for shared custody of all kids. If that is the only reason why you stay, it can be worked around.
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I would not hold your breath on that. If they are his children only, there would be no legal claim to them. That being said, is he a person who cares enough about his kids to allow visitation with you or your kids b/c it is the right thing to do? That is what I would try for if at all possible.

Maybe I am wrong here but I believe the only way that can be put into the order is voluntarily.
yes, the way I have understood it is that step parents really have no legal claim to children. I have no rights to them.

I don't know how he will behave. He might let me see his children. I would certainly let him and his children see mine. It's hard to predict his behavior at this time....I think that is what is so scary about it.
I guess I will find out more tonight. I hate days like these. UGH
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Old 04-29-2014, 09:37 AM
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I completely understand. Just try not to make up all sorts of bad scenerios in your head. See what he says and go from there.

I am quite worried for you and the wellbeing of all the children. It is sort of like the airplane thing, you put the breathing mask on yourself first so you can help others. If you are not in a good place how can you take care of them?

Please take good care of you. Don't try to control what you cannot.

XXX
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Old 04-29-2014, 10:45 AM
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What a hard dilemma you are facing. Have you discussed what would happen if you split? Could you still be involved in their lives somehow? Co-parenting for the benefit of the kids without the relationship with him? You have no legal right but maybe he would want to do what was best for the kids and let you stay involved. A saying my daughter's therapist once said to us applies here. "You are thinking the worst will happen and in reality it's almost never as bad as the worst". I pray you find the answers you are looking for.
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