Charliee

Things are getting better each day. I am no longer required, nor can I afford to go to counseling anymore. I will have the interlock out of my car in 60 days and completely off of probation in October. I have a great new job, my marriage is doing okay anI i will even get a new car when I get the interlock out. These are all good things of course, but the urge to drink has become bigger than ever. It actually scares me, I am dreaming about it, planning the ways I can hide it from my family.and friends and trying everything I can to rationalize it. I feel so stupid!!

RazaR

Focus on all the positives you listed there... and what happens to those positives if you give in. I've also had dreams... guzzling to the point its running down my cheeks and I'm soaking myself in it. I woke up disgusted in myself.

You've come so far, I cannot wait until I can start watching the months tick by.

KAD

Amazing how, no matter how long you escape the ravages of addiction, it still lurks somewhere nearby. No matter how badly it has wrecked your life, your health, your relationships, etc. after some time sober and healthy, you start to delude yourself that it could never get that bad again. At least that's what happens to me. I spring back to health and some semblance of order, and then I get complacent. That's when the AV is sure to strike...when you least expect it. You think you're out of the woods and it makes it's appearance.

But you are aware, I'm sure, that there is no going back. Well, actually there is but I think you know things would be the same or, most likely, worse than ever. Are you thinking you could moderate? That's the lie I always fall for. It's never worked and it never will. All that does is irritate me because I'm so preoccupied with limiting myself when I really want more that once I feel the effects of the alcohol, I lose my willpower to control how much of it I'm drinking. Next thing I know, it's back to 24/7 drinking. Same sh1t, different day.

Don't fall into that trap, Charlie. I have the feeling you definitely know it's a trap. Other than having those kinds of troubling thoughts and feelings, it sounds like you're doing great. Keep up the good work!

Tamerua

Tell those dreams and thoughts to go away. Also, what is your recovery plan once therapy stops?

doggonecarl

Sounds like you are merely abstaining from alcohol rather than working on and embracing recovery. Is that the case?

Some of us get by with just quitting. The rest of us have to learn how to live without alcohol.

least

I too would say focus on the positives in your life and how they'd be affected if you drank again.

hopeful4

You have worked hard to get off probation, will be glad to have the Interlock removed, get a new car, all of those good things. If you go down that road again you will eventually be putting yourself right back in that same position.

Focus on the good. Be honest about it, and have a support system in place.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Charliee

Thanks for the positive feedback, I know what I have to do and when I start trying.to find a way to make drinking work for me, I end up being an emotional mess. I am so much better to just realize that day had come and gone. I think, I mean I know I am addicted to the chaos!