How/When to reconcile (& keep safe)

Old 04-29-2014, 04:21 AM
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How/When to reconcile (& keep safe)

I cut off contact with my sister (I think she is alcoholic) because of her constant yelling, insults and belittling.......now my mother may have cancer and I am feeling the old feelings of love and missing her......

I am aware I could be seeing things in denial, rose coloured glasses again. She and I will prob never be close but if my mother dies we will have to sort out the estate etc.......

How and when do you reconcile with someone who is hostile and arrogant and doesn;t want to give you the time of day, says you have a bad attitude because you ask them to not yell at you.............how
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Old 04-29-2014, 03:43 PM
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Yeah, no fun there. As we age we come to these situations. I just do my best and not try to expect much from my siblings.
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Old 04-30-2014, 05:34 AM
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so my mother does have cancer.....

and my sister is being her usual self-righteous, arrogant self.....when my grandmother died she deemed it so that noone needed to know for several weeks....

my mother has been stubborn about making her the executor of her will and estate.....this terrifies me, am working up the courage how to stress to my mother to get a lawyer, a third party, not me or my sister to have that control when we do not get on at all.

any more sharing please.....i spoke to her for the first time today when finding out about my mother and said if she could call me if anything happens and was told in her usual abrupt fashion "its not the time for that"

its never the time for her.....its never the time to have feelings or be,,,,just be....

i believe she still blames me subconciously that as a child i couldnt protect her from dad raping her in his drunken madness.....i was raped as well but she has always been the expert, i think she is an alcoholic but i dont know...argh......
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Old 04-30-2014, 05:37 AM
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this song is exactly how i feel except alicia uses the word girl, but im a boy...

"Brand New Me" - alicia keys

It's been a while
I'm not who I was before
You look surprised
Your words don't burn me anymore
Been meanin' to tell ya
But I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda me
Can't be bad
I found a brand new kinda free

Careful with your ego
He's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God knows something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need
Why you mad?
It's just a brand new kinda me
Never bad, I found a brand new kinda free.

It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave boy to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda me

Ooh, it took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave boy to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh, said, you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend
You'd wanna get to know me again
If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your "OK"
I'll never be perfect,
But at least now I'm brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new kinda free
That ain't bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don't be mad
It's just a brand new time for me
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Old 05-01-2014, 02:45 AM
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Well I get a little too detached sometimes and my sister will get quite frustrated with me as I just do not engage. It is funny to watch her try and try to hurt me, but I am just floating along. Now how I get to this mental space I am not sure!
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Old 05-01-2014, 01:10 PM
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I don't depend on my siblings for any information. I went straight to my Mom if I had to, or her doctors/hospital. I operated as an in power person and didn't seek help or approval from any of my siblings. Might try that.
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Old 05-03-2014, 05:35 AM
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I am glad to say my mother may get a lawyer (instead of my sister) to be executor of her will should the cancer spread....

thanks so much fo rsharing..
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Old 01-09-2015, 01:53 AM
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well still no contact after all this time and no regrets, no joy, but self - respect fer sure
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Old 01-09-2015, 05:09 AM
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Thank you for updating. I am sorry to hear there is a continuing rift in your family but sometimes it is for the best. Less hurt that way
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Old 01-09-2015, 05:25 AM
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Hello Utopia, how is your mom? Have you spent any time with her?

Hugs.
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Old 01-10-2015, 02:46 AM
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I did today actually - it was incredibly painful actually, little seems left of her, just a sad shell of a woman that goes on amount her limitations, her ailments, the leaking roof, all that goes wrong and may go wrong and has been wrong and the subtle manipulation of my love for her, the guilt inducing shame at abandoning her by being my own person, the fear based hum of discontent that infused our house growing up, that would cause her to betray me and deny my truths just to avoid facing her own guilt. I couldn't help but think of jesus being denied and betrayed by those that loved him, and praying to forgive her because in her madness I think she knows what she is doing but in some other way, does not, and it is hard to not pity such a mind that would be so incredibly selfish like most in nmy family, to crucify me rather than face my father who they all feared most until he ran off and left me to be blamed because I am a man and carry that sense of failure and inability to do, be or say anything right.

I went for a walk to the beach nearby and saw how she was consumed with her thoughts and how it was my blood, no matter how much I try to recreate to reparent the truth is my family of origin is one in the dark, swamp of alcoholism and that is my birthright and curse, I don;t really know today if I will ever break free but just for today...well I may be lost even with my program but I have it....
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Old 01-10-2015, 06:10 AM
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Hi Utopia, thanks for sharing such an honest feeling, I can relate on many levels. A few things really stand up and shout at me in your post if you don't mind me picking out the ones that resonate?

"the fear based hum of discontent that infused our house growing up"

I have rarely read words that so precisely sum up the foundation that so destructively led me to where I am today as a recovering ACA-ER. For me, that hum defined every aspect of my life and mistakenly led me to believe that IT was normal. I based every life lesson on that demon seed. Absolutely picture perfect introspection, thank you for sharing that.

"that is my birthright and curse"

I believed this to be true as well. However, the more I put in the work and committed to the notion that I was NOT cursed or destined as a result of it, I was able to see it for what it's truly worth, "deception by perception". For me, believing that I could be my own loving parent helped erase that perception and slowly provide myself with a loving foundation and a quiver of new tools to live MY life. I may be wrong on this but I don't believe we are hard wired. We may be supplied by faulty code but we all know that new code can be written and the program can be altered to run more efficiently with each new entry. Sorry to be a little deep but you have supplied me with some amazing thoughts to ponder today. Be patient with yourself as you chew on these very "positive" revelations.
Thanks for sharing,
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Old 01-10-2015, 06:32 AM
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Utopia,
Thanks so much for a deep share. I need to think on it for a while but wanted to thank you. I did want to say to pity your mom is ok. I found that when I was able to pity my dad I could accept it wasn't love but it was all I had for him. And that is ok. It was a step for me towards forgiveness
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Old 01-10-2015, 01:44 PM
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Thanks for sharing, Utopia. I finally came to a place where nearly 30 years of their abuse was enough for me to be content with never reconciling. There's too much pain in the past, and just letting it all go was best FOR ME. I don't have any expectations of my family for the future. My AM doesn't have anything to pass along because she drank and vacationed it all away (and most was financed on credit cards - my sister can inherit that debt as the oldest, thanks). No expectations = no resentments. It's what I've chosen after many, many long walks and talks with myself. I hope you're able to find a place where you are completely content and free of your past. (((HUGS)))
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Old 01-11-2015, 11:54 AM
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it was very hard for me to accept that they, as have i, made their choices--but true. my dad was more nurturing than my mom--they both pursued wealth relentlessly after poor childhoods...as a child i blamed dad for the physical violence and felt hurt that mother didn't stand up for me--eg when i wasn't able to learn to tell time or count money in third grade stuck with me but faded over the years--when dad had his 11years of strokes, i reached out to mom and dad to make sure they weren't lonely or without help with doctors--mom cut contact with me almost immediately and rest of family followed--i did therapy to confront and deal with the pain in order to give my husband and children my best--during that time i worked on forgiveness around child death snd when dad died--i was calm and at peace--but mom made her own choices--and i needed to let go and let god as my compulsive trying to apologize didn't work and brought me more pain and isolation. Glad i could release in love finally because it taught me to understand people a bit better and to start finally in the past 6 mos to start loving myselg--hard but necessary.
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Old 01-15-2015, 02:55 AM
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Thanks for all your sharings. It's heartbreaking in one way, but good to know there isn't some illusionary happy family, maybe anywhere, but that there is a choice in the face of having a broken and unloving family (sick, unwell etc). It saddens me in some ways but maybe that's part of acceptance - grief... peace.
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Old 01-15-2015, 03:24 AM
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Originally Posted by utopia View Post
Thanks for all your sharings. It's heartbreaking in one way, but good to know there isn't some illusionary happy family, maybe anywhere, but that there is a choice in the face of having a broken and unloving family (sick, unwell etc). It saddens me in some ways but maybe that's part of acceptance - grief... peace.
I can relate to so many things you have shared.

I found that it is a grief process. My mother is a narcissist and your share about your mother reminded me of her.

Unlike the regular grief process that happens when a person dies I read that we experience the same five stages but they play out in a different order.

Acceptance is first.

Then comes denial, bargaining, anger and depression.

The article I read says that we will bounce around these stages a lot but that you don't move on until you have solidly worked the first stage, acceptance.

I have found this to be true. Once I could accept the truth about my mother and I accepted her as she was, a narcissist, then I could start moving on. It did not happen overnight but it does happen.

Guilt crept up on me a lot and when this happened I tried to think about me. What I want, how I want to live, my own dreams and hopes. All of them had been squashed my whole life and it was time to put me first. It was so hard to do this. I had to practice. I didn't know how to think of myself before the wants and needs of others.

I read a book, "Will I ever be good Enough?" and it helped a lot. It is about being the daughter of a narcissist but alcoholism can mirror NPD so you may want to check it out. It sounds like your mother may be one and your sister may be both.

I am a recovering alcoholic and I seen a lot of the NPD traits in myself when I was using and because it was the only example I had. I thought the way my mother did things, said things and acted was the true reflection of life, how a woman behaves and how a mother behaves. I never knew any different. I found them not to be the case so I am learning how to be a woman, a mom and a friend.

Many of the NPD traits have faded because I am now sober, some not and I am working on them.

It is a journey and is well worth the walk. You are worth it!
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Old 01-17-2015, 05:58 AM
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I'm glad you went Utopia.

Your language reminded me of The Prince of Tides. A very beautiful book about a seriously ACOA family. I might have to re read it now that I have much more understanding.

Peace in your heart and your mind. Forgiveness for yourself.
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Old 01-17-2015, 05:04 PM
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My dad was an alcoholic and he died an alcoholic!!

The reality is, why should someone else's alcoholism affect your life, sure family members are family members and we can do our best with them, but there comes a point when alcohol should not be allowed to affect your life, it is perfectly acceptable to draw lines in the sand and set up boundaries.

The reason being, some day you will look back and maybe regret allowing someone else's life choices affect your life, and that is unfair, you should be allowed to live your life according to your choices.

With my dad I kept him at arms length, tried to be the best son I could be, but their were boundaries, eventually standing at his funeral I had a peace that I couldn't have done anymore, he made his decision to continue drinking and I had lived my own life and not allowed his drinking to affect the life I had created!!

It's very difficult, I don't doubt it, but don't look back with any regrets, that's all I would say!!
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