retroactive

Today I finally accepted that I have a problem. I like alcohol and drugs a lot. I started by smoking weed at 15, by 18 I was getting high every single day, often many times a day. Alcohol was never a problem until recently, but now every time I drink I drink heavily and I have been drinking on more than just weekends recently. I have also been using cocaine occasionally and I went through a short phase with Xanax. I have also used opiates from time to time, and have experimented with any other drug I could find. Luckily cocaine and Xanax are relatively difficult for me to acquire. I also love psychedelic drugs and use them whenever available. What led me to realizing I had a problem was the way I behaved last night. Granted I am college student and this weekend was a spring festival of sorts, but I had started drinking immediately after waking up (this is not something I do often and the culture of this weekend sort of encourages that behavior), I smoked a little bit of weed shortly after, and was told by a friend that he knew where to get molly. Having never tried it before, I immediately went out and bought some and promptly snorted a line of it. I continued to drink while the molly kicked in. I enjoyed the molly a lot. As I came down from the molly I started doing cocaine and drank a little bit more. I took a quick nap (or tried) in preparation for the night (where I really messed up). I woke up feeling relatively sober, I took a shower and busted out a line of cocaine. I then then drank a beer and started taking shots with a roommate. After three or four shots, we filled up a flask to take with us to the dance. In the meantime I was busy doing more cocaine. My roommate and I were separated before getting to the dance and I ended up with the flask. I got carried away and drank almost all of it. The combination of all of the liquor and the cocaine turned me into a huge *******. I punched my roommate in the nose for trying to take the flask for me, I ran around and tried to start fights with everyone I saw, I flipped people off for telling me to cool down. I was generally just a terrible person. The worst thing I did was text a girl that I kind of like and said really mean things to her (she was totally sober). I probably did a bunch more terrible things that I cant even remember. When I got home from the dance, I quickly realized what a terrible person I had been. All of my friends were mad at me, and were telling me about all of the terrible stuff I done. I felt really bad, I went to the bathroom and finished off my cocaine and proceeded to hate myself. I lied on the floor and kicked and screamed, I went into severe depression mode. This morning, (after popping a Vicodin), I realized that I needed to make a change in my life. I put together all of my drug paraphernalia (of which I had an embarrassingly large amount of) and sold it to my friends. I guess I cannot technically call today day one, but I am fully committed to this. I am luckily that I am catching this before I developed a serious addiction to anything which is inevitably the road I was headed down. I really wish I could smoke weed and drink alcohol in moderation, but I have a super addictive personality and I do not believe that I am capable of doing that. My dad's side of the family drinks a lot, but they are all successful and can seemingly handle drinking so often. I believe that I get my addictive personality from that side of the family, but I am not sure. I am sick of being mean to people who don't deserve to be treated poorly. I am sick of apologizing every morning for stupid things that I say and do. Last night I hit rock bottom and I am never going back.

Sorry for the super long post, but I wanted to provide a little background before getting into my questions. My first question is more of a concern. As a college student, alcohol is a major part of my social life. It's not that I am afraid of my friends not liking me any more, but I do not want to sit in my room alone every weekend either. I am not sure if my goal should be to quick alcohol and marijuana completely, or just to quit these things for a while and then only use them in moderation, socially, after that (assuming I am capable of doing such a thing). I know that I am swearing off all other drugs for sure, but it would make me a little sad to never drink or smoke weed again. My second question applies to a drug that I am prescribed called Vyvanse. This drug is prescribed for ADHD (something that I was never really tested for, but could potentially have). I have been prescribed them for a long time, however I do not take them every day. Recently I have been abusing them (taking more than one, taking one while drinking, etc.). My question is should I stop taking these or should I take them as prescribed? They help me study and pay attention a lot, but I want to experience reality for the first time in a while. Thank you if you bothered to read all of this and I look forward to your feedback.

justinJustQuit

Welcome MitchMatch. You can get off all that if you put your mind to it. I was addicted to opiates and successfully quit them. I wasn't addicted to weed though.

We can't give medical advice on here. It's safer to go through a doctor (and a ton more comfortable hopefully)

I have to stay away from all alcohol. Period. For at least a couple of months. It sucks, but it's either that or die young.

retroactive

I am not looking for medical advise, just looking for opinions as to what I should I do moving forward. I would rather not discuss addiction with my doctor until I am sure that I am unable to beat it myself (I know I can). Also, as I mentioned, I do not have any serious addictions, just a general addiction to self destruction and using drugs to escape my problems.

Dee74

Hi MitchMatch - welcome

We can't give medical advice here. it's against our rules.

You asking what you should do about your meds is medical advice.

You need to speak to your Dr about the Vyvvanse if you're concerned about abusing them and you find you can't keep to the recommended dose.

As far as your other questions go - no amount of time off ever reset me - sooner or later I'd be misusing and abusing the drugs and booze again. I had to accept that I had always been like that and always will be.

When you accept that, your life changes. The things that were fine for you as a drinking smoking snorting party animal do fit a sober life.

I lost a lot of drinking buddies but I found a lot of new friends, and reconnected with old ones.

I like knowing what I did last night. I like not having to apologise for appalling behaviour. I like not loosing weeks to boozing and partying.

I wish I had had the foresight to quit at your age.
Be smarter than me MitchMatrch

D

retroactive

Thank you for your response. I think you are right, but I really do not want to quit drinking and smoking weed completely. I am definitely done with these things for a really long time, and I hope I change my mind, but I do not know if I am ready to completely give these things up yet.

retroactive

Also worth noting is that I spent all day trying to patch together friendships. I took the girl I insulted out to eat and apologized. She is one of my good friends and I did not want to lose that. I am fairly certain that there are no hard feelings, but it is probably going to take some time before our relationship can be the same as it was before.

Dee74

I think you'll find most people are unsure - most people want to find that 'take it or leave it' attitude other people seem to have.

Most of us here have looked for our off switch in vain and have accepted that we don't have that ability to take it or leave it and we're better off without getting drunk or high.

You'll only know that for yourself when you give not being drunk or high a go...

I wish you well Mitch

D

retroactive

Thank you very much for being so supportive and friendly. I decided to give it a go today and I have no plans on turning back. I am almost certainly incapable of being an occasional drug user, and that saddens me greatly. I have two groups of friends, one who only drink for the most part (who are largely ignorant of the extent of my drug use), and one that is into using more drugs. I am afraid that I will grow apart from the second group of friends, but the first group of friends support me in walking away and know that I have a problem. I just wish I could drink with them responsibly and have a fun night where I don't cause problems. The second group of friends do not believe that I actually have a problem and accuse me of being dramatic. I may not have a problem yet, but I will very shortly if I do not take action now.