inpieces314

This is what they don't tell you in Al-Anon: if he dies while you are detaching, you are going to feel very guilty. If he dies while you are angry at him, you are going to feel guilty.

No matter what happened between us in the past, he was there when he was not drinking, and not there when he was drinking. At the end, he made me mad and I told him he couldn't come back and blocked his number. And I don't care what anyone says, I have a lot of guilt about that. Maybe I blew it out of proportion. I told him he couldn't see the kids without court ordered visitation, and I never in my life considered that he would really never see them again.

They think it might be an overdose, I don't know, I don't care. All I know is he is gone, and yes, I am mourning for what he could have been, not necessarily for what he was, but I am not unrealistic about it. I know he doesn't deserve my grief, but despite everything, I did still love him. And I really am not sure how to get over this one. I would have taken a whole lifetime of all the BS he threw at me instead of him dying, because this one hurt me more than anything else he ever could have done.

I also feel guilty because I know in some way we are all better off. He is not in pain anymore, the kids will grow up not seeing him screw up all the time, and I know I will find peace eventually.

He wasn't a bad person, he was an addict. I know he loved us, even if I saw all the bad in him, I saw all the good things too. If he had straightened himself out, we would have worked this out. And who knows, he may have changed, he may not have. I don't think it matters. What matters is he is gone, I have to explain it to our kids (although I think they already know, intuitively, by the way they have been acting out), and I am very angry at him for what he has done to me by doing this stupid stupid thing.

I loved him, I still do, and I wish this wasn't so hard. I never saw this coming, jail, prison, whatever, but I thought he was getting better. His death is killing me, very slowly, very painfully. I am at a loss and I have no one to talk to who understands what I am going through.

Mango blast

I'm so very sorry for your loss! (((inpieces)))

Do you have an Alanon group you feel welcomed in? If not, please find another. Do you have the support of family or friends?

Forgive yourself. You've been trying to take care of your kids and yourself the best that you've been able to. That does not mean you're a bad person or that you didn't love him.

--------------------------
Somewhere, under a bluer sky
In a higher realm than where eagles fly
In a land of beauty beyond our knowing
with trees and flowers and waters flowing
and mountains of unearthly grace, our loving Lord has made a place...
And one day, through an opening door
We find that glorious evermore.
May God comfort you.

(Leanin' Tree)

redatlanta

I am very, very sorry this happened.

you need some time to process - its not your fault. People overdose when they are with their partners or without. Nothing that you did contributed to the loss of his life, only one thing did - his addiction and lack of desire to do anything about it. It SUCKS, and I am sorry.

I hope others will be along to offer you some advice that have been in this situation. Thinking about your family during this time.

PurpleWilder

So sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you today.

airwick

I really do not know what to say only that I hope the pain eventually leaves your body but you hold on to the love you feel.

I too have delt with a AH for years, I left a few months ago. I still worry--is he o.k? Will he make it? With myself and son being there and accepting my AH as he was did not help.

I DO NOT mean to sound cold hearted. My X will either straighten up or die. I have done all I can. I needed to take my son out of that situation. My son saw dad fall, push mom, burn dinner because he past-out while cooking. I couldn't cover up for him anymore. I too have a life to live.

A few month down the road I will be in one of two situations. I will be reunited as friends with my ex or he will be dead.

I will pray for you and your kids. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. It was a road that he had taken.
Keep in touch

inpieces314

Thank you guys for your kind words.

I am really struggling with this. His parents hate me, thanks to him, and they live across the country. They took him back there, and I am having a hard time with that. We had an open child support case out, and we were supposed to go to court in a couple of weeks so he could establish paternity. So I have been running around trying to get emergency court orders because once he's gone, there's no more DNA. So after the ME here got involved, then the funeral home here and the funeral home there were involved. Then, his parents found out. I hear from the funeral director there that they are not angry, but he still wanted a copy of the court order, which I was happy to provide. I am all for proving that he never gave me anything in child support, because he told everyone he was, which is why everyone has such a problem with me.
Anyway, the funeral director there told me to call his parents, and I did, and left a message that I wanted him to have pictures and stuff with him and can I get an address so I can mail them the stuff. They never called me back. Then when I talked to the funeral director yesterday I explained the situation. Honestly, I don't know why they hate me, he lied about me to them all the time, and being 1000 miles away, they would believe him over me. It never really mattered to me until now, when he is going to be buried somewhere with a bunch of people who have not seen him in 15 years. I don't think that is right. I am okay with them taking him there, it's their right, but I would like to go to the funeral so I can get some closure. That is obviously never going to happen, because they refuse to call me back, and I would never spend a thousand bucks on a plane ticket to get kicked out when I show up there. I told the funeral director to tell him I love him when he gets off the plane, just in case I don't make it, then at least he knows.
I am also struggling with heaven, and whether he went there or not. He made awful decisions. I don't know anything about how people get to heaven, and what happens when they get there. I wonder if he feels as bad as I do about this, about not having the life he could have had with me and the kids. I told my mom that assuming he is there, it's a shame because he will be with me more now than he ever was when he was alive. I mean, when you go to heaven, do you see your kids grow up? Do you watch the lives of the people you loved move on without you? Do you feel sorry that you caused them so much pain? My mom said he is watching, he does love me, and he is sorry. Personally, I think he would cuss me out right now if he knew how devastated I was over this.
I am just having a hard time because I am 99% sure that I told him I hated him the last time I talked to him. I didn't mean it. I hope he knows that. My friends tell me that he knew I didn't mean it, but I will never know, and that kills me. I just wish I could find peace with this somehow.

embraced2000

i'm so deeply sorry. I understand the grief you are having, the questions you are asking yourself, the guilt you are expressing, the anger you feel.

my XAH died last January. he died drunk and under the influence of controlled substances.

no need to recount my story.....most of us here have lived the horrors of the effect of addiction.

what I can offer as my experience is this......

it gets better in time

let the grief happen for you

feel all of it

each day will bring another day closer for your own healing.

i'm so, so, sorry. you will be in my thoughts....you and your children

lillamy

I'm sorry. I'm sorry he couldn't get his life straight. I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry he left you to raise the kids on your own. And I'm sorry you are left with all the questions and none of the answers.

And I'm sorry his family is shutting you out.

Prayers and lots of love.

ladyscribbler

Sorry for your loss. Don't forget to apply for Social Security survivor's benefits for your children as well. My ex (not an alcoholic) passed away last summer, so I know some of what you're going through.
I still have unresolved anger at him, though I am working through it. I still replay our fights in my head sometimes. Talk about crazy. Hugs to you and your kids. This too shall pass, but it's a really intense time when you're living it.
One thing I'm glad I did was to have our son maintain contact with his gp's on that side, he visited for Christmas and we have been cordial (which we weren't when my ex was alive, for some of the same reasons you have stated). It will help them to deal with their loss to have some ties to their dad still left.
For your kids, grief is different for everyone, but if they need some extra help, I found our local hospice to be a great (free) resource. My son was in their grief counseling program and it helped him a lot. He's 12, so the loss of his dad hit him really hard.
Take care, and remember to breathe. After my ex died I remember going outside and noticing how blue the sky was.

inpieces314

I am in law school and finals are in 2 weeks. I called to see if I could defer them for a few weeks, and they said they have grief counselors that I can talk to. I never knew that.
I told my mom I am going to fail and I don't even care. I have wanted to be a lawyer my whole life. Getting into law school with 2 kids was my biggest accomplishment in life. She told me that Jeremy would be very angry if he knew that I didn't care. No matter what, he would make sure I did my homework, went to school (it's a 2 hour commute one way, so the days when I was not feeling the drive and he was off work he would go with me to keep me company), drafted my briefs, etc. He was very proud, and he told everyone all the time about me being in law school.
The drive sucks, but if the grief counselors are there, I will go because I need to do something. I guess I also need to get ahold of the 7 year old's guidance counselor, because my parents and I are going to tell the kids tomorrow, and he is going to be devastated.
My dad died when I was 3 and I don't remember him. I am glad the two year old is too young, because I only have one kid that I need to worry about. He wasn't even his real father, and he worshipped him.
I do think that is a good thing about all this, I can make him out to be a saint to the kids, and they will never know any better even though I will. It's better than him being alive and them knowing that he's out drinking or whatever and not caring about them. They loved each other, regardless of his faults, and despite whatever he did, he deserves some measure of respect.

CodeJob

Linkin Park, I am sorry.

HealingWillCome

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I will be praying for all of you.

Mango blast

It's so good they have grief counselors for you. Wishing you the very best on your exams. I'm sure he'd be very proud of you. Try to study and take this one day at a time.

Please don't lie to your kids. Kids are very adaptable and accepting. You can let them know he died from a disease, from alcoholism. It is a chronic, progressive disease that affects the brain and the body. That doesn't change that he loved them and you very much. The disease took him away and took his life.

IMO, that gives him a lot of respect. You can still talk about the good things.

It doesn't take long before kids grow up and then stories come out and lies are uncovered, or they may overhear things before that. Then what was the truth and what else were they lied to about? Having a firm base in reality and knowing they can trust you to be honest with them is very important. With him being your youngest child's father, it's very important for them to know the truth about this. That does NOT mean he was a bad person. Many very wonderful people suffer from this horrible disease. (((hugs)))

My husband's father was an alcoholic who died young. That didn't make him any less loved by anyone in the family. They still talk about him and it's always the good stories, yet it is never hidden that he had this disease that's also affected many of the kids and grandkids. The more we learn, the stronger our family will become.

Seren

inpieces, I'm just so very sorry to hear about your loss. It is always such a tragedy when a life gets cut too short.

You and all who loved this man will be in my prayers. Sending you strength to get through the days and weeks to come.

Mountainmanbob

felt so sorry for you and your family while reading your story.

Some chime in so quickly telling others what they should do. Your story told should convince some to be gentle with their advice given.

So sorry for your loss.

Mountainman

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way. xo

Raider

I'm very sorry. Prayers your way.

lillamy

You are going to use those grief counselors.
You are going to take your exams and pass.
And that is how you are going to get through this.
Just like you have up till now.

One foot in front of the other.
One breath at a time.
You will find the people you need to lean on.
For yourself and for your children.
And you will be able to provide the love and the strength and the safe healthy home for all of you that you deserve.

And what you tell your children about their father -- that is entirely your business.
I admire you for not letting your pain cloud your ability to see how important it is for them to be allowed to keep loving him.

idledreamer

I'm so sorry for your loss! Sending you and your children lots of love, hugs and prayers!

FeelingGreat

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that his family are taking such a hostile attitude. One day they may understand.
None of us can live our lives with anything but what we're given at the time. You did what you could with very difficult circumstances, with an active addict, no support and young children to think of. One day I hope you'll see that, and come to terms with it. He had his battles and you had yours, and you gave him the dignity of making his own decisions.

Can I suggest you have your own memorial service, with some flowers, a picture of him and maybe read a prayer? You don't need his shell to remember and celebrate his good qualities
and the times you were happy. You might have F&F you can invite.

Really glad you can access counselling. I'm amazed about your studies considering your circumstances. This is something to be proud of.