forabetterlife

Today I have an appointment with an addiction counselor. It is a 12 (I think) week program where I will be required to attend one AA meeting a week as part of the commitment. I am looking forward to the counseling but not the AA meetings, but I know that I must do something more than what I have been doing, so I will trust the process. I have been relying solely on SR, journaling, and reading every addiction/self-help/spiritual book I can get my hands on but clearly that isn't enough.

I'm not new here, and I have had some wonderful stretches of sobriety which I cherish and too many relapses. I have joined so many "classes" and met and shared this journey with so many wonderful people, but when I fail repeatedly, I begin to post and read on SR less and less out of shame.

My first real efforts at sobriety were in 2011 and since then I have had some amazing strings of sobriety with 60 days being my longest. My pattern the past 2 years has been not drinking anywhere from 1-45 days, followed by a week long or so stretch of nightly drinking until I get sick of it and start again. It has gotten really, really old. I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over and it's time for a change.

I hide my drinking well and share my struggles with no one in my real life, only here on SR. I have a wonderful career and am a single mother of two amazing children who are my world. So I am hoping that counseling and giving AA another chance will give me that extra level of support that I so clearly need.

It's hard to reach out here once again after so many failed attempts but I know that I must take this first step and I know that you will all understand and not judge, so thank you.

Looking forward to a new beginning, hopefully my last

Leshar

Hello, FABL, I think it's great that you posted this.

I was in the class of May, then June, but it wasn't until I really got honest with myself, and sought out the help of an addictions agency that something seemed to "shift" and now I am happily with the class of July and benefitting from SR daily.

I really hope your appointment today goes well. It is a big step. For me, it was terribly embarrassing and yes, shameful, but we owe it to ourselves to take advantage of addiction counselling where it is available.

Do this for you, you're a great person!!
Best of luck!

SoberLeigh

Hope your appointment goes well today, FABL, and that the program goes well, too.

The Febbies miss you.

forabetterlife

Thank you leshar and Leigh.. I miss the friendship in both classes .. Feb and July, I will be sure to check in after this appointment.
I'm nervous but determined.

Tiptree

SR is here for us no matter where we are in our journey. I think it's wonderful that you are back posting again. This is a terrible affliction and none of us is infallible. I hope I am smart like you to get myself back here should I falter. Wishing you the best.

mesmith2

The most courageous thing one can do is ask for help. You are on the right path. It was easier for me ( after a year plus of failed attempts) to ACCEPT that my chemical makeup and mind are abnormal, and that it's not my fault. We are different. I highly recommend listening to Joe and Charlie's big book study on the internet. They make understanding alcoholism easier than just reading the book, though you should still read the book :-)

Ps, there is no shame in AA. It took me a dozen meetings before I felt comfortable. The first ones tough, but just keep an open mind and TRUST it. Keep your chin up and have a happy day!

tornrealization

FABL - I'm glad you keep trying, and please come back to our Febbies group. I just lost 45 days today, and I intend on being back there tomorrow. Nobody said this was easy.

Upward2Enlightenment

FABL I hope your appointment goes well. Is there anyone in real life, friend or family, that would be supportive of your quitting, and not judgmental if you slip up? If there is have a talk with them and just be honest and ask for their help too.

No matter what we will be here for you even if you do slip up. The important thing is you keep trying.

forabetterlife

You are all so awesome. Thank you. I have told a few people but I think they think I am still 100% sober and haven't slipped. Like I said, I hide it well. 45 days is great torn, let's do this together.
I am in the waiting room now and listening to a group meeting going on now. My appointment is individual so I am just trying to keep and open mind. Trying not to have high expectations, because disappointment can be dangerous for me.

gleefan

FABL - Im glad you posted. I've been thinking of you all week, wondering how you were doing and hoping, sober or not, that you were safe and sound. Febbies miss you.

Thepatman

We have a very similar pattern, of going up and down. I'm glad you posted, you can do this! I'm with you, this time I am not picking up at the 60 day mark.

least

I hope your appointment goes well and proves to be helpful.

Goldcoastgirl

Thank you for your post Forabetterlife. I can so relate to this and it has helped me too. Good luck and I hope this is exactly what you need. I haven't been posting because I am feeling exactly the same as you x

Dee74

Glad to see you back FABL. Hope the appointment goes well.

D

forabetterlife

Well, the initial session went well, better than expected. The counselor is an older woman and very sweet with 43 years of sobriety. I feel very comfortable with her. Today was mostly paperwork and basic questions. I will be going back Tuesday night for my real first session. I am set up for a 12 week plan she said I need to be committed to staying sober during that time period. Scary! But that accountability is very good for me. She is AA oriented, but she also said that she fell in love with the program but she realizes it isn't for everyone. I will give it another chance. Just one meeting a week. I keep telling myself what I've often heard, "take what you need and leave the rest".

I was irritable and emotional today, but now as the night is winding down, I'm looking forward to a restful nights sleep after four nights of drinking and poor sleeping. I don't want to be overly confident, but I am feeling like I have turned some sort of a corner and it feels good. I needed more help, and I think this will make all of the difference.

Thank you all for your support and understanding. The SR community never ceases to a amaze and comfort me.

Upward2Enlightenment

Glad it went good for you and that you like your counselor. Give AA a chance, go in with an open mind and if you don't like it discuss it with your counselor to see what other options there are around you.

You can do it, we are here for you.