idledreamer

The past month I've felt like I've completely distanced myself from my ABF and his drinking, and instead focused on what I need to do everyday to keep me happy. Which has felt really great, but sometimes I can't tell if the distance I'm feeling is letting him "take care of his side" or the beginning of the end.

I started focusing on me and letting him deal with his crap about a month ago, but I didn't notice it till this past week or two. We used to see each other every day, and now I see him maybe 2-3 times a week. We talk on the phone every night (opposite schedules permitting), but if it sounds like he's been drinking I cut it off pretty quick. In fact, many times I don't go over to see him if he's had one drink. It's amazing how easy it is to identify triggers, and avoid them, when you're toppled with grief and stress.

My last 2 therapy sessions have stopped revolving around his alcoholism and whether he's recovering or not. Surprisingly they are more about me! Crazy! I've been able to focus on my Codie issues, both how they originated and how to start changing my mindset. My therapist has asked about him once a session and my only thought was "he's doing his thing and I hope that means he's recovering, but I have to focus on my own recovery right now". I've started yoga and dipped my toe into guided meditation, which really help with my anxiety and day-to-day happiness. I've started reading again (I'm a vivacious reader, so it's never a good sign when I can't read!) and singing along with the radio in the car. Even being at work has gotten easier and I'm less bogged down in hating every minute, and more trying to enjoy the fun parts of it before I leave this industry for good.

And my relationship with ABF? It feels better. I say that very cautiously, because I can't trust that this good feeling will last. For now I'm enjoying the fact that it feels better being with him. This past week he's stopped drinking when I'm around and before he sees me (I know he still drinks other times, but I'm thankful I no longer have the stress of dealing with it face to face). We've actually had some great, intelligent conversations the last few weeks, about things we've never been able to talk about. From our favorite sweets to religion to what happens when we die to my future career to hobbies and pastimes, etc. It feels like what the beginning of our relationship should have been like! I was just so naive that I thought us whining to each other was talking! I'm not saying I'm falling back in love with him all over again, or some sickening emotion like that, but I'm trying to cautiously take it day by day. I'm finally seeing whether I would want to be with him if he's sober. But sometimes, like today, I wonder if I'm kidding myself. I realized I didn't plan on spending any time with him today. Which may seem fine, but it's my birthday. Have I distanced myself so much that I see him more as a friend than a BF? Or is this recovery? Or is it both?

(I should be fair to him, we did spend all day yesterday together so it wasn't like I wasn't planning on celebrating my birthday with him. I was just planning on spending my day with me, myself and I.)

I don't know. As I said before, I can't tell if detaching is a normal recovery behavior or if I'm bracing myself for the worst. What were your experiences?

CodeJob

Idle dreamer, what a lovely and thoughtful post. Enjoy the positive and give yourself and the relationship time time.

:day:day

allysen

If it's positive and feels right, then just enjoy it one day at a time. No need to psychoanalyze it. I talk to my ex frequently. I enjoy our relationship much better when I stop with the "what if's" and just let it be. I have no idea what tomorrow or next week will bring, but today I'm all good.

dandylion

Idledreamer---It sounds like recovery to me.........recovery changes your perspective on a lot of things.....

dandylion

idledreamer

Thanks! It helped a lot just to write it all out and post. And you're right allysen, I don't need to psychoanalize it. Sometimes I hate how my anxiety needs to fixate on something when there is nothing there!

It's just so weird to be at ease for once in my life, that I can't help but brace myself. It's like the calm before a huge effing storm.

dandylion

Idledreamer---what would you actually consider the "worst"?

dandylion

idledreamer

I think in terms of my ABF, the worst would be him confirming a fear I have that he believes he can manage his drinking without committing to sobriety. And since that's not okay with me, then I have to leave. (Or that something happens to him that puts him out of my life)

Mostly because I feel so ungrounded in my life. I mean, I have a tentative peace for the moment, but it doesn't feel stable enough to withstand losing someone else. I know I could get through it, but I'm tired of grieving. All I've done for 2 months is continuously grieve.

But I also realize that if he does begin his road to recovery, it will mean he will most likely change as well. And who's to say that we will stick together through it?

I guess after all this rambling, the worst is not being with him. I just want some time to recover before I know. Because it feels like if the worst happens, I'm ripping the carpet from under me and I have nothing to stand on.

dandylion

Idledreamer---I get the feeling that this is not about him, the person, so much as it is your fears of abandonment. In reality, you seem to be doing very well--thriving--while being away from him.

The book: "From Abandonment to Healing"---is very frequently recommended by others on this forum. You might find it helpful, also. If you want to check it out--you can get it used on Amazon.com at a cheap price.

dandylion