justinJustQuit

Why did this life happen to me? The details of being beaten as a child, put in foster care, and having both sets of parents be alcoholics has scarred me forever.

Mom is mentally ill, dad was alcoholic. Until he lost his kidneys and left leg.

How do we mourn this stuff? Sure, I have therapists, a great job, great family, the works. But its never enough is it?

How do you get passed it?

Marjoram

I believe nearly everyone in life has emotional or physical scars. Whether it was from the loss of a loved one, abuse - physical or mental, self-inflicted, etc. What I have learned from others when it comes to dealing with my own "scars" is you can't hide them - they are always there, but you can't fear them. They will only scar your today and tomorrows if you fear them. They are part of your past, and brought you to where you are today. You have to do your best to learn and grow and improve from the past. I believe you have done a great job at that so far.

I've encountered some very heart breaking situations over the years, and I know I used alcohol as a crutch for most of them. I have found that as time has gone by and I've gotten older, I've learned to let go of those situations, therefore, I can cope better with new problems as they arise.

Try to look at what you have and be grateful, it seems like you are. Do you use any of the gratitude threads here Justin? I know those help me when I'm feeling down.

And remember, we all have these moments where everything in our life seems to spiral, but reaching out like you are, is the best move you could make.

I'm sure you'll get lots of responses here to help you out.

I'll note that my husband has seen great pain in his life - held his friend's hand when he took his last breath dying from Leukemia. His sister committed suicide. His best friend at 54 dropped dead in front of him - massive heart attack. He worked on him for 15 minutes and there was nothing they could do - when the ambulance arrived they said he did the best he could, but he was dead when he hit the ground. His nephew committed suicide. His brother has written off his entire family. The list goes on. But, he's pulled through because he looks at how much he still has and is always grateful.

We are not alone in suffering - we all have to go through it. But, like our alcoholism, we are not meant to go through it alone, and we have to find inspiration in our higher power, the love and support of family and friends, and from within ourselves.

You are in my thoughts. I hope you find some peace tonight. And please, keep your weather - you always send it to Michigan, and usually it's not the best weather.

Hugs to you. I hope you are doing okay.

venuscat

justin ~ you have been through so much. And no, it's not fair.

But now you are sober...and every day you will feel a little stronger.
I know detoxing can be hard, but you have told us that you are under a doctor's care, and that is a good thing. You WILL feel better.

And although the past will never go away, you may find that you are able to leave it behind, and love the family and life you have now.

Many people with better advice will follow, I'm sure.

Sending you love. You have all of our support.

Venus xx

justinJustQuit

I'll make it. I'm just in that night one anguish ad misery. Thank you for the post.

Marjoram

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Have a good night.

Dee74

Justin, I believe that the things that happen to us, the good and the bad, contribute to who we are...like an antique, we show our history with every bump and scratch and every coat of paint.

For nigh on 40 years I let my past define me, and I had to turn to alcohol to 'try and forget'.

I let my present define me now

It's been a long journey of self awareness, of brutal honesty, of forgiveness and letting go of the past.

Some parts of that are still ongoing...but I've learn to love and trust again and be grateful for the many good things I have.

Never give up on reaching a place of peace and happiness Justin

D

Coldfusion

For me, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is all about how to live life, including how to deal with the past. It's also a program that keeps me from drinking.

justinJustQuit

I'm still trying to find an aa meeting where there are people my age or even close.

Coldfusion

Someone commented at a meeting about, "What does my recovery community look like?" As is there were choices in the matter, especially here on a little island where there is only one meeting a night (and even if it's NA, it's still the same, old people).

How many different meetings have you tried?

justinJustQuit

about 7 different venues.

Eddiebuckle

Justin, you have carried a heavier load than most, and certainly more than I have experienced. But for me life shifted when I stopped trying to get past my history, and instead accepted it. Acceptance doesn't mean liking, for me it was no longer passing judgment and holding resentments over history. This only served to chain me to those events, imprisoning me to the things I most hated.

AA folks talk about surrender. A quiet guy in my home group once said: "It's not about defeat, it's about celebrating the end of a war that we cannot win." We all intellectually know that we cannot change the past, yet we often spend ridiculous amounts of our time and emotional energy consumed by those people and events.

So no, it's never enough if our idea of enough is to no longer be affected by our past. I don't know that's the case with you, but it was what kept me "stuck" on that garbage for far too long.

I know now that we never get over great losses, we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures.

Marjoram

Justin - by sharing, you sure brought out some beautiful posts. I hope these are helping, as I believe they are helping a lot of us.

justinJustQuit

I agree. I'm writing a "my story" thread. It seems very private, but I've spent hundreds of hours talking about them so they are public knowledge.

Odelle

Justin, I too had a bad start at life, a physically and mentally abusive father, a passive mother who could of and should of left him for the sake of her children, living in fear constantly and praying to be put in foster care. But you know what, we had no control of the situation at that time. The life you have now, you do have control over (well, somewhat) and what you went through as a child, you never have to go through again. Perhaps you need to accept that your father, as an alcoholic, lacked rational logic, and lashed out at others to deal with the shame and anger he had for himself. Could you even imagine treating your children that way? He must have been mentally tormented but the alcohol addiction kept him in the same cycle. I was able to forgive my father, who passed away at 63, alone and a victim of his disease. Be thankful that you don't have to follow in your father's footsteps and that you can create a life for your family that they can look back on with happy memories, and so can you.

You can't change the past, you couldn't control the past, so stop dwelling there and embrace the life you have now and know that each day you build a new past where there is love and happy memories to cherish.

Charliee

Justin, I also had two alcoholic parents, actually three, spent some time in a few foster homes and moved at least every six months because my parents were always running from something. I did well avoiding that life for myself for about 25 years and then it hit me like a brick wall and I have spent the last four years of my life completely numb. That didn't fix anything it actually made everything much, much worse. Recovery has made me finally deal with my past and being able to do it sober. You can do it, I can tell you want it bad enough. Best of Luck!

justinJustQuit

Great post Odelle. I forgave him. He held my 8 month old son one time. The feelings that popped up in my head when he was holding him were nothing short of carnal. I have never felt that away again towards alcohol, people or anything. That five minutes he was holding my child were literally THE longest minutes of my life. Period. And I saw my wife give birth to our son. and that was scary.

Odelle

I understand Justin, my father never did sober up so I never took my kids around him when he was in town. Once, at a family gathering (father was not invited), my sister took them without telling me, I was furious!