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Newcomer seeks advice on maintaing friendships while recovering

Old 04-25-2014, 07:16 PM
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Newcomer seeks advice on maintaing friendships while recovering

Warmest greetings to my new sober community.

I am a 31 year old male from the West Coast who has struggled off and on with binge drinking since age 20. During those years I was beset by a number of personal tragedies which also effected some of my friends. Most of us are sober, others are still recovering. However, some of my friends are musicians and inhabit environments rich in alcohol. I am capable of spending time alone working on my writing, art, lesson plans (I'm a secondary school teacher) or watching films. However, I have a tendency towards extreme isolation (successful introvert). I know that this journey will require emotional support. Sadly, due to many emotional crises precipitated by alcohol I am not currently working. My wife and I were recently evicted from our home which had been a center of both sober and non sober activity. I love my friends, but I also know we are ate different stages in life and our interest will differ. I am most focused on preserving my relationship with my wife, but even that has difficulties as my new sober lifestyle has brought out a lot of difficult emotions from the past that I had been suppressing, grief, anger, feelings of inadequacy, incompleteness. I am Newcomer seeks advice on maintaing overjoyed by the new energy I have for my writing and art, but the more difficult emotions are eating at me. How do I reach out without disturbing my friends. I don't want to frighten them away. Is it more important to focus on self right now? I know my friends are loyal, but I just feel like I need them, but I don't know how to yet to reach them without the possibility of a drink or being in a non-sober environment.


I should mention I have not yet attended a 12 step meeting, but am hoping to involve myself in a beginners meeting this coming Monday.

Any advice, support, literature would be very appreciate.

Bless you all
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Old 04-25-2014, 07:20 PM
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I would concentrate on my own recovery at this time. It could be to risky
being around friends who drink. Here is a link to an AA Basic Text.

I think you will find it very helpful. You will find support here and at AA meetings.


Big Book Online Fourth Edition

Linked with Permission Of AA World Services, inc.
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Old 04-25-2014, 07:43 PM
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You have to be selfish in early recovery. Second, you stated that you wish to work on your relationship with your wife, arguably the most important relationship in your life, so that makes sense.

Everything else is third. Distant third. The true friends will still be there for you when you are ready. Don't worry about it. Focus on you.
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:01 PM
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I quite drinking about a month or so ago. When I did, I had to first and utmost thing\k about me. In a disorientated state (drunkenness) I was no good to anyone or anything.

I am beginning to see people. situation, and life clearly.

I would love to hear about your art and your writings. I would give yourself some time before you rekindle a situation that could bring temptation.

However you choose to handle the situation. I'll be rooting for you
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:03 PM
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Share some of those emotions with your wife. I am sure she would appreciate them and help you with your struggle
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:07 AM
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HappyB, is your wife sober? If so and you both still love each other, talk with her and let her know that you want to work on your marriage after you get yourself stable in your sobriety. As for your friends, if they are good friends they will support your sobriety and meet with you in a sober environment.

As was mentioned earlier, focus on yourself first.
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:13 AM
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I'm glad you have decided to live a sober life.

And, you're right that early recovery is a difficult time because we have no choice but to deal with everything we dulled with alcohol. All the emotions, sadness, loss come at us and we have to learn to cope in healthy ways.

For me, I would focus first on myself, secondly on my relationship with my spouse and at this time, friends would come a distant third. Many of find that our friends can't/won't support us. Our newfound sobriety is often a threat to our friends who drink and others just don't understand addiction and what we're going through.

I don't use meetings, but I have found that journaling has been enormously helpful to me.
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Old 04-26-2014, 08:47 AM
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Hi Happy!
I just had to be honest with mine. I have good friends and most don't drink much. Then I have a few that aren't problem drinkers but that's what they do for social activity. The thing we all have in common is they are incredible kind and good people. Otherwise, they wouldn't be my friends.

So I just told them. I quit drinking. I like me so much better when I don't drink. If I can hang with you when you are maybe having one, I will. If I can't, I will be leaving. We will have to figure something else to do together. I love you but I love me too. I will let you know how I feel at the time I'm feeling it.

And everyone of them said they loved me too and what can they do to help. I said I will let them know when I know. And so we adjusted. My one set of girlfriends who meet for happy hour..sometimes I've met them...most times I don't. We meet for lunch then. Others, nothing much changed. We are all in different places. That's what happens with friends anyway if you stay friends long enough.

It doesn't bother me other people drink. I'm more if doing something is just about drinking, I get bored stiff. Good thing me and my friends have hung in with each other for so long. We adapted.

Good job quitting. Good job focusing on your life. You and your friends..the good ones...will figure it out.
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:00 AM
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Thank you all for your kind words and reasonable advice.

I am very focused on myself!!! Thanks for making affirming that as my first priority. I feel that right now it is just different not being the leader for once whether the activities are good or bad. I will have to change my outlook and have faith that those who mean a lot to me will be there when all this clears up. In my first year of undergrad my best friend was murdered in our home town and it really "messed" our group up, both my family and friends. Not everyone has moved on. For some of us other traumatic events happened which continued to push us into the routine of drinking and left us in a rut. One of my closest friends has been sober for a year and half, but I'm not comfortable seeking my sobriety in the environment he lives in because alcohol is prevalent. That's his choice, and I understand, he pays cheap rent, lives my musicians whom he practices with. But, I can't do it.


I've been alone both for school and work in the past but I binge drank frequently whenever I got angry, frustrated, felt lonely, or confused. It was awful. This is the first time it's been truly me on my own without alcohol. I currently live with my parents and my wife may move in here when she finishes a work engagement this week. We have both been going to regular therapy and it has already made things better. Also, we spent a few weeks living with a woman who has been in recovery, it kind of opened my eyes, Then I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday and we both agreed sobriety is my most important goal, even before treating anxiety, depression, or any other negative emotion. My wife doesn't drink as much as I did, but she has not given up alcohol yet. Her father is an alcoholic. We both want to live a fulfilling life without alcohol, but for so many years we were lost. I haven't completely discussed my decision with he to pursue full recovery. I would like to do it when she gets back from work. I have seen many marriages saved or preserved because of the choice of one or both of the people involved to pursue sobriety. I want it for us because we were going down a dark path; negative emotions, resentment, trauma. I will check out threads on sober marriage. This is all very new to me. I want to live and what is best for myself.


How about sober friends or those who have been through full recovery? What are they worth. It sounds like the overwhelming consensus is on the self. Is it safe to seek support/advice/new relationships with those friends?
As I said I am very close to my friends, neither myself or my wife have very large families, we celebrate holidays together often, etc. I also have an important wedding coming up in June. My friend isn't an alcoholic but he does drink. He has never pushed drinking on me. I know I can take a hard enough stance on my sobriety not to drink at the wedding. Last weekend I watched a hockey game at his house and drank water, I think he drank a beer towards the end of the match, but I didn't even really notice. His fiance doesn't drink because of alcohol usage in her family.

I think once I start 12 steps or another sober program I will be able to deal with some of the negative emotions from the past that have forced me to seeks the answer from others rather than inside myself. I know I need it because I've been a "dry drunk", (sober up to a year and a half) but nothing really changed for me because my attitude stunk. Thanks for all your support and I look forward to learning more from this site.


Blessings and peace,
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by airwick View Post
I quite drinking about a month or so ago. When I did, I had to first and utmost thing\k about me. In a disorientated state (drunkenness) I was no good to anyone or anything.

I am beginning to see people. situation, and life clearly.

I would love to hear about your art and your writings. I would give yourself some time before you rekindle a situation that could bring temptation.

However you choose to handle the situation. I'll be rooting for you


Perhaps in the future I can share some work with you. I am writing in the areas of fantasy and mythology. I also write calligraphy, ancient runes, draw mandalas and cartoons. Sort of like J.R.R Tolkein did with "Lord of the Rings" but with my own spin, using different collections of mythology then he used, some from the Near East or Asia, others I am still researching. Self-healing stuff. I am an educator who works in an low-income environment. I also teach performance, storytelling, and debate. Much of my work is focused on building up confidence, healing, and re-building communities after trauma. I know that I need to deal with my own internal struggles before I can bring my vision to my community. Thanks for your support.
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