itsmylifenow

I thought venting in my journal would help, but it doesn't seem to. I seem to need other people to hear my angry rants and don't know where to let it out to where I won't look like a crazy lunatic.

So, I came here! lol

The incident with the xabf and the friend - oh, wait, the - we aren't best friends or anything so me sleeping with him didn't count - tramp. (not the word I want to use, but trying to keep it friendly) I see the two of them make comments about how you need to live your life...and, then he says how she certainly knows how to live, then it becomes a great big compliment fest where they say this and that about the other, and all I want to do is tell them to go f themselves. The drunk admiration society....oh, aren't you wonderful...no, you're wonderful...oh, don't we know how to live it up...yeah, drunk a**holes.

I'm thinking I'd better get back to my journal because I can't write here what I want to...but, I know there are supportive people here and that helps me out.

I don't think about it hardly at all like I did a few weeks ago, but the anger...it's still lurking beneath the surface. I want to let loose on him in the worst way. I know I already wrote about this a few days ago, but I'm going to scream if I don't let some of this out somewhere.

It feels to me like a public display is the only thing that will make me feel good - now, listen, please....it's not that i'm going to do that...but, I just want to humiliate the both of them. Right now, I hate them both. Their lives go on as normal and mine is still affected by their actions. It's mostly the anger inside me that is troubling me. I'm pretty sure this got started when I saw him out a few nights ago. I didn't even look his way. I could see he wanted to acknowledge me, but I wasn't going there.

I've kept NC now for a few weeks...lost track how long it's been...but, easily a couple of weeks.

You hate those feelings where you see them and want them to be that loving, caring person you adored...and, then within 30 seconds you remember what happened and how they now repulse you. I am working hard on not overreacting like I am used to doing. Which means that I am actually thinking through the consequences of going ballistic in person or on FB or somewhere. That's been very helpful.

I just needed to vent...

On a good note...and, this is a very good note...I have met a really nice guy who I have a whole lot in common with. He doesn't drink excessively, I'm not getting any red flags from him and we get along famously. I'm being the exact opposite of who I usually am - codependency-wise. It's tough, but I know I can do it if I just stay conscious of it.

And, for exactly that reason I need to get rid of this anger, because I don't want it to carry on into future relationships.

Thinking

Congratulations on the new relationship! and well done for coming here to vent, it's a good way to get rid of negative feelings.

AnvilheadII

if you are no contact how is it you know what they are saying to each other?

are you sure you are ready to jump right in with another guy RIGHT NOW? would you maybe do well with a NO MAN break for a while til you get YOU sorted out? i don't care how normal HE is....he still can't FIX you.

lillamy

Step.
Away.
From.
The.
Facebook.

NOW.

Defriend and block them. Both of them. And then DON'T open a second FB account so that you are able to spy on them anonymously (because I'm sure they both have their privacy settings set to "public" right?).

Trust me on this. You keep ripping the scab off every time you monitor their interactions. How do I know? Because I was spying on AXH's FB page for YEARS after I left him. All it did was cause me grief. Seeing how he lied about me. About how I tried to keep the kids from him. Lies, lies, lies. I couldn't do a damn thing about his lies. And seeing them didn't help me one bit. It just hurt me.

That cheating no-good SOB is your ex FOR A REASON. Let him go be happy in his fake FB world with his hussy. You have bigger and better things to do with your life than to get upset over whatever he does from now on.

honeypig

Amen, Anvilhead! I was reading some old, old journal entries earlier today and this is EXACTLY what I thought my now-husband would do for me. He was going to end my loneliness and fear, keep me safe, take care of me for ever and ever...and in reality, all we did was feed into each other's weaknesses for the next 19 years. I have always gone from one relationship right to another, and if I had it to do over again, I'd surely try to get comfortable w/myself and stop looking for someone to "complete" me at an earlier age than 53!

itsmylifenow

Actually, I did block them so I can't see their stuff directly, they just both happened to comment on someone else's quote. That's why I got so ticked off - I didn't expect to see the two of them on there at all.

I'm not in another relationship by any stretch of the imagination. This guy and I have been talking back and forth for the last few weeks - met him at an outing - and, we just saw each other a few nights ago at the same place I saw the xabf.

I am going differently here. I'm not in need of someone to replace xabf. I'm not looking for someone to fix me. And, I'm not feeling desperate for someone. Happy to be able to work through what I need to, yet it's been fun being friends with this other guy. It's been a good time for me to realize the patterns I've had in the past. The immediate need to bond and secure myself with someone. The need for commitment, for enmeshing myself in someone. This - whatever it is - is helping me to see those co-dependent issues and act differently while being aware of what they are and how I'm going to change and fix them.

I'm learning to sit with the feeling of being around someone that doesn't need me to fix THEM. I'm being drawn to him because of our likes and personalities...not because I feel an overwhelming codie urge to step up and take over. He's a self sufficient man and doesn't need me for that.

Of course, my mind plays tricks on me and is looking for the same patterns. I'm not letting it. If something comes in that I recognize as an old thought pattern, I'm changing the thought and action to something different. Always a work in progress.

I just really want to release this anger I have for the two of them.

LifeRecovery

Itmylife-

I got a lot of support with the grief cycle around my healing and the affair. It is normal in grief to be in
denial
bargaining
depression
anger
and finally acceptance.

I did one loop through all but acceptance, and a second loop of bargaining, depression and anger in the time since I have learned of my loved ones affair. I finally have some acceptance on some topics but am still in the loop on others.

I find that a grief workshop/program/book really helped me with some of this. Especially sme of the written exercises.

I had to be completely no contact....meaning for me that seeing what they post on facebook would not work for me. I had to not just defriend them, but block them.

What you are feeling is normal, really normal when it comes to affairs (and addiction in my opinion also which has been the harder part of this for me to come to terms with).

My stomach twinged when you wrote about someone new. I hope the best for you, but it is so easy for me to fall into the thought that someone else can make it all better for me that I easily slide back into my codependency as soon as the potential for a relationship appears.

Stung

You know what, I recently deactivated my Facebook account because it is a drama haven. Maybe you should consider doing the same. For all of the innocent stuff that people post on Facebook the majority of it is pretty meaningless and drama centric. Why not try deactivating your account for a week and see if you're really missing something by being partially unplugged for 7 days. It's not like you can't still text or call or email or Pinterest or Tweet.

readerbaby71

I can't see any of the comments of people I've blocked. You have to go in and actually block them, not just unfriend. FB is a hotbed for drama. I have an ex "friend" who turned on me and it was quite frightening to see someone her age acting like she was a nasty high school mean girl. I blocked her long ago and can't see anything she posts, and thankfully she can't see me or anything I do on FB.

https://www.facebook.com/help/168009843260943

How do I block someone?

To block someone:

Click at the top right of any Facebook page.
Click How do I stop someone from bothering me?
Enter the name or email address of the person you want to block and click Block.
If you entered a name, select the specific person you want to block from the list that appears.

People will not be notified when you block them.

If you can’t find someone using this method, try going to the person’s Timeline and selecting Report/Block from the dropdown.

lillamy

Wait -- you've deleted them as friends but not blocked them. If you block them completely, it is as if they don't have a FB account to you. At least I hope that's the case. Damn. FB keeps changing its settings but at least that used to be the case...

Either way -- this:
That sounds awesome.

As for the anger -- I don't know how you release that. Other than repeat to yourself (because it's true) that they are not worth wasting energy on. Just like alcoholics don't drink AT YOU, they weren't cheating ON YOU -- they were just being one of those words that gets bleeped out here. Pick one.