OT, but maybe related to my issues. My mother.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
OT, but maybe related to my issues. My mother.
I just had a long talk with my sister about our mother. I find it really difficult to be around my mother, like really difficult.
Both my sister and I have always struggled with accepting/loving ourselves, or just feeling deep inner confidence that we see in others. We've both had a hard time figuring out why. Our talk today made me think more about how I could resent my mom so much.
When my mom tries to hug me or rubs my arm, I feel physically ill and I cringe, and I instinctively want to pull away. I really can't stand being around her and I've felt that way for several years now. A couple of years ago when I was pregnant I was thinking a lot about things in my childhood and I just asked her to give me some space for a couple weeks. She freaked out and was sending me these super dramatic emails/texts asking why I was doing that to her. She showed up at my house unannounced and knocked on the door until I opened it. Brought my dad with her. She must have known I was super uncomfortable but she asked if she could spend the night and I said no. We ended up going to one therapy session, which went well, but the therapist told her she needed to do a lot of work and she quit after one more session.
My parents raised us in a strict religion (JW). My brother passed away when I was 2, and that kind of led them further into it. Then my baby sister got really sick, was on life support when I was 3. So my mom was really caught up in all of that and her own depression and wasn't there for me much emotionally. Going to church all the time and hearing the sermons really messed with my head, and I felt guilty all the time if I had a "bad thought." I also developed really bad OCD symptoms (I was absolutely miserable and had no idea what was going on back then) and told my mother about it all the time. We had health insurance but she never once offered to get me any help. I had my tonsils out when I was in sixth grade and the doctor accidentally cut my throat - I lost a ton of blood but my parents wouldn't allow me to get blood transfusions, they insisted on this alternative medicine. I missed the last few months of sixth grade (all of my friends were moving on to junior high without me, because she was going to homeschool me), and I remember I barely made it to graduation, and just sobbing that day out of sadness.
She never talked to my sister or me about dating, sex, etc. She also homeschooled me for high school. I had always gotten really good grades, but she put me in this horrible program for kids who were drop-outs, and it was like bottom-of-the-barrel education. I'm crying just writing all of this down. When we were older and we had both left the religion, my parents pressured us to get married because they didn't want us having premarital sex. We both married guys we had only dated for six months.
Anyway, fast forward to now. My mother wants to pretend that everything is rosy and wonderful. My sister and I are both still learning about life and the real world. My mother is all about herself generally. My dad caters to her all the time. She sleeps in most days and always has some physical ailment that she is complaining about and how hard her life is. Neither of us talk to her about anything too personal because we just can't. She doesn't work, but always talks about how tired she is from all she does. She has no friends - people try to be friends with her, but no one is ever good enough for her.
Sometimes I just want to never talk to her again. I know she is oblivious to why I resent her. She thinks she did the best she could and that I should just move forward. But I just want her to take some responsibility and maybe apologize to me for never being there for me. Also, her and my dad quit going to church a few years ago and they never talk about it. It hurts even more that it's no big deal now when for all of those years they let it dictate our lives. To the point that they didn't allow transfusions for my dying brother or my sister. The hospital actually got a court order to give my sister blood and that could have been what saved her, who knows.
Also, I still don't know where my brother's ashes are. She has never bothered to share that with me. I asked her as a child and she said she'd tell me when I was 18, but she never did.
I just wonder if our relationship with our parents is what causes us both to lack that real foundation of self-esteem. I'm thinking a lot about that lately with everything I'm going through.
Both my sister and I have always struggled with accepting/loving ourselves, or just feeling deep inner confidence that we see in others. We've both had a hard time figuring out why. Our talk today made me think more about how I could resent my mom so much.
When my mom tries to hug me or rubs my arm, I feel physically ill and I cringe, and I instinctively want to pull away. I really can't stand being around her and I've felt that way for several years now. A couple of years ago when I was pregnant I was thinking a lot about things in my childhood and I just asked her to give me some space for a couple weeks. She freaked out and was sending me these super dramatic emails/texts asking why I was doing that to her. She showed up at my house unannounced and knocked on the door until I opened it. Brought my dad with her. She must have known I was super uncomfortable but she asked if she could spend the night and I said no. We ended up going to one therapy session, which went well, but the therapist told her she needed to do a lot of work and she quit after one more session.
My parents raised us in a strict religion (JW). My brother passed away when I was 2, and that kind of led them further into it. Then my baby sister got really sick, was on life support when I was 3. So my mom was really caught up in all of that and her own depression and wasn't there for me much emotionally. Going to church all the time and hearing the sermons really messed with my head, and I felt guilty all the time if I had a "bad thought." I also developed really bad OCD symptoms (I was absolutely miserable and had no idea what was going on back then) and told my mother about it all the time. We had health insurance but she never once offered to get me any help. I had my tonsils out when I was in sixth grade and the doctor accidentally cut my throat - I lost a ton of blood but my parents wouldn't allow me to get blood transfusions, they insisted on this alternative medicine. I missed the last few months of sixth grade (all of my friends were moving on to junior high without me, because she was going to homeschool me), and I remember I barely made it to graduation, and just sobbing that day out of sadness.
She never talked to my sister or me about dating, sex, etc. She also homeschooled me for high school. I had always gotten really good grades, but she put me in this horrible program for kids who were drop-outs, and it was like bottom-of-the-barrel education. I'm crying just writing all of this down. When we were older and we had both left the religion, my parents pressured us to get married because they didn't want us having premarital sex. We both married guys we had only dated for six months.
Anyway, fast forward to now. My mother wants to pretend that everything is rosy and wonderful. My sister and I are both still learning about life and the real world. My mother is all about herself generally. My dad caters to her all the time. She sleeps in most days and always has some physical ailment that she is complaining about and how hard her life is. Neither of us talk to her about anything too personal because we just can't. She doesn't work, but always talks about how tired she is from all she does. She has no friends - people try to be friends with her, but no one is ever good enough for her.
Sometimes I just want to never talk to her again. I know she is oblivious to why I resent her. She thinks she did the best she could and that I should just move forward. But I just want her to take some responsibility and maybe apologize to me for never being there for me. Also, her and my dad quit going to church a few years ago and they never talk about it. It hurts even more that it's no big deal now when for all of those years they let it dictate our lives. To the point that they didn't allow transfusions for my dying brother or my sister. The hospital actually got a court order to give my sister blood and that could have been what saved her, who knows.
Also, I still don't know where my brother's ashes are. She has never bothered to share that with me. I asked her as a child and she said she'd tell me when I was 18, but she never did.
I just wonder if our relationship with our parents is what causes us both to lack that real foundation of self-esteem. I'm thinking a lot about that lately with everything I'm going through.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Emmy))) Hugs for you, Emmy. You really are amazing. I'm so impressed by your resiliency and willingness to face these issues.
Not sure if this even starts to cover that, but I've just started reading it so it comes to mind.
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
Not sure if this even starts to cover that, but I've just started reading it so it comes to mind.
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
You know, I didn't really think much about my relationship with my mom (I mean I have ALWAYS known that I didn't have a normal relationship with my mom and that the way she treats me isn't normal, especially compared to my friends' moms) until everything started imploding with my husband. It was actually on this site that I learned about NPD, and that there are other people with moms that are shockingly similar to mine. This was HUGE for me to discover! I have had drama going on for my entire life with my mom. I literally could write a book about it.
Now when I go to counseling every week we rarely ever talk about my husband or his alcoholism, but we frequently talk about my mom. I think that it's easy to just to convince yourself that things just are the way they are until you start to examine the reasons that you do things the way that you do and make the decisions that you make. We learn how to do things from some place and if that place is dysfunctional then it's likely that we're doing things in a dysfunctionally learned manner.
Sending you hugs, Emmy! I know dealing with this stuff isn't easy.
Now when I go to counseling every week we rarely ever talk about my husband or his alcoholism, but we frequently talk about my mom. I think that it's easy to just to convince yourself that things just are the way they are until you start to examine the reasons that you do things the way that you do and make the decisions that you make. We learn how to do things from some place and if that place is dysfunctional then it's likely that we're doing things in a dysfunctionally learned manner.
Sending you hugs, Emmy! I know dealing with this stuff isn't easy.
I am going through some of the same stuff only it current stuff instead of past issues. Does not matter though, it still hurts. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
definitely we are affected by our Family Of Origin. you have a lot of awareness and insight into your past, which is very good and will serve you well. this stuff takes time to sort out and come to terms with.
this is from a site GoodTherapy dot org -
Lack of Love in Childhood and Formation of Personality
When children experience a lack of love, that is the responsibility of the parents. However, to the child mind, that reality is terrifying; if my parents cannot keep me safe or make me feel loved, then the universe is a chaotic, unsafe place. Children, therefore, in an attempt to avoid experiencing the terror of realizing our parents are imperfect (or worse), usually take on themselves the responsibility to be perfect or good and thus win the love of their parents. Of course, since it’s impossible to be perfect or good all the time, and since the child’s behavior isn’t the cause of a parent’s failure to love, this approach does not work. What it does, however, is create the personality.
Clients in therapy may recognize their family wasn’t “perfect”, but it still may be difficult to confront the ways in which our childhood has contributed to our current suffering and difficulties. We often feel loyal to our parents and don’t want to blame them. It’s frightening to examine our upbringing, since it is the source of our core knowledge about life. Still, such examination is imperative.
How Much of an Influence Does Family of Origin Have in Life?
Family experiences don’t explain everything in mental health; genetic tendencies often play a role, and free will, mystery that it is, is also at work. However, for a case example of someone working on family of origin issues, any entry in this website’s compendium will do; every issue presented in therapy can be addressed at least in part by examining family of origin experiences, both positive and negative.
Marriage, Relationships and Family of Origin Issues
Spouses bring their extended families into their marriages, whether consciously or unconsciously. Each one of us is a product of our family of origin, and the issues that we struggle with, our family of origin issues, contribute to our adult personalities. If we sought out our parents’ attention through perfection as a child, we may well continue to strive to achieve perfectionism for our mate. Additionally, we may put our own unrealistic expectations on a partner that is unaware, unable and ultimately unwilling, to live up to them. Bringing unaddressed family of origin issues into a marriage can create relationship problems that are often confusing and overwhelming to both partners. In order to fully understand the behaviors we exhibit in our adult relationships, we must first become familiar with why we developed those behaviors in our childhood.
How Can Therapy Help Family of Origin Issues?
Therapy can begin to unravel the ways that process occurs, and help us to see better why we do certain things, make certain choices, hold certain beliefs and experience certain emotions. This can help us overcome our fears, pursue our authentic goals, and achieve some sense of peace. Severe abuse or neglect in the family of origin can lead to serious, persistent difficulties. Therapists are trained to help clients overcome the distress associated with neglect, physical abuse or sexual abuse in the family of origin.
What Kind of Therapy Works Best for Family of Origin Issues?
Some therapeutic approaches do directly address families of origin. Cognitive behavioral therapy mainly examines current beliefs and thoughts. They may originate in our family experience, but CBT focuses on the present tense and does not generally look at the past. Solution focused therapists also tend not to explore family of origin issues. On the other hand, analysis, psychodrama, and psychodynamic therapy place a great deal of importance on past family experiences.
this is from a site GoodTherapy dot org -
Lack of Love in Childhood and Formation of Personality
When children experience a lack of love, that is the responsibility of the parents. However, to the child mind, that reality is terrifying; if my parents cannot keep me safe or make me feel loved, then the universe is a chaotic, unsafe place. Children, therefore, in an attempt to avoid experiencing the terror of realizing our parents are imperfect (or worse), usually take on themselves the responsibility to be perfect or good and thus win the love of their parents. Of course, since it’s impossible to be perfect or good all the time, and since the child’s behavior isn’t the cause of a parent’s failure to love, this approach does not work. What it does, however, is create the personality.
Clients in therapy may recognize their family wasn’t “perfect”, but it still may be difficult to confront the ways in which our childhood has contributed to our current suffering and difficulties. We often feel loyal to our parents and don’t want to blame them. It’s frightening to examine our upbringing, since it is the source of our core knowledge about life. Still, such examination is imperative.
How Much of an Influence Does Family of Origin Have in Life?
Family experiences don’t explain everything in mental health; genetic tendencies often play a role, and free will, mystery that it is, is also at work. However, for a case example of someone working on family of origin issues, any entry in this website’s compendium will do; every issue presented in therapy can be addressed at least in part by examining family of origin experiences, both positive and negative.
Marriage, Relationships and Family of Origin Issues
Spouses bring their extended families into their marriages, whether consciously or unconsciously. Each one of us is a product of our family of origin, and the issues that we struggle with, our family of origin issues, contribute to our adult personalities. If we sought out our parents’ attention through perfection as a child, we may well continue to strive to achieve perfectionism for our mate. Additionally, we may put our own unrealistic expectations on a partner that is unaware, unable and ultimately unwilling, to live up to them. Bringing unaddressed family of origin issues into a marriage can create relationship problems that are often confusing and overwhelming to both partners. In order to fully understand the behaviors we exhibit in our adult relationships, we must first become familiar with why we developed those behaviors in our childhood.
How Can Therapy Help Family of Origin Issues?
Therapy can begin to unravel the ways that process occurs, and help us to see better why we do certain things, make certain choices, hold certain beliefs and experience certain emotions. This can help us overcome our fears, pursue our authentic goals, and achieve some sense of peace. Severe abuse or neglect in the family of origin can lead to serious, persistent difficulties. Therapists are trained to help clients overcome the distress associated with neglect, physical abuse or sexual abuse in the family of origin.
What Kind of Therapy Works Best for Family of Origin Issues?
Some therapeutic approaches do directly address families of origin. Cognitive behavioral therapy mainly examines current beliefs and thoughts. They may originate in our family experience, but CBT focuses on the present tense and does not generally look at the past. Solution focused therapists also tend not to explore family of origin issues. On the other hand, analysis, psychodrama, and psychodynamic therapy place a great deal of importance on past family experiences.
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