Mango blast

Can't be said often enough. The hard thing for me was starting to recognize what abuse is. When I finally read the abuse stickies at the top of this forum, I became aware of the emotional abuse that had been going on in my life. It doesn't matter if some of it seems normal, it doesn't make it right. So true that being the target of abuse clouded my judgement. Both men and women can be abusive and abused. It's hard to change patterns. There is a lot of help available for anyone who's been the target of abuse. The national hotline can help and also put us in touch with local resources.

1-800-799-7233
http://www.thehotline.org/

Amazon.com: Respect-Me Rules eBook: Shelly Marshall, Michael Marshall: Kindle Store - for verbal and emotional abuse

Any recommendations for other books about abuse, including some for physical abuse?

fluffyflea

Respecting ourselves enough to not accept abuse is VERY important.

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

This 'sticky' also contains a great deal of information.
How to make an exit plan.
How to recognize verbal and emotional abuse.
Domestic violence and chemically-involved partners.
How to cover your 'computer tracks'.
National Domestic Violence phone numbers and websites.
....and much more.

Live

I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That? ~Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

It's a classic and a real eye opener.

Lyssy

There is also a free, online workshop associated with the Respect-Me Rules ebook (by the same authors). You can do it without the book. It must be done from a computer (vs. a phone or tablet). I found it helpful.

You are a Target-Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop

lillamy

Absolutely.

I would also like to add (I know I've said it before) that the first time I talked to a DV counselor, it was one who had been in the business for 25 years and counseled countless women. She said women (because it is mostly women, but not only) who had experienced physical, sexual, and emotional/verbal abuse -- all of it -- all said the same thing:

You get over the physical abuse and even the sexual abuse (but it's trickier) because it's tangible. You can't deny that black eye or the damage done to your body by a rape. But the emotional/verbal stuff gets engrained into your being because it's not tangible. You can convince yourself you didn't deserve to get your arm broken. It's harder to convince yourself you aren't really a loser/too fat/stupid or whatever he threw at you when he was verbally abusing you. Those words keep coming back, years afterwards, throwing you into doubt.

For the longest time, I couldn't call what I had experienced "abuse" because I had no bruises or broken bones. This woman convinced me that emotional and verbal abuse is just as real as physical or sexual abuse, and at least as harmful.

If "all" you have experienced is controlling behavior, put-downs, questioning of why you want to have certain people as friends, why you are still in touch with your family, etc -- you have been abused. Don't minimize your pain because you don't think it's "bad enough."

Blossom717

After you posted this, I went to the site and read the sections. Thank you for this. Its eye opening.

butterfly2013

Is there any way to explain this to someone you know is being abused (emotionally and physically) but they are still in denial/have hope that the A will change? I know Al Anon would tell me no, that understanding will only come when that person is ready, but my heart breaks for those stuck in this escalating cycle.

butterfly2013

(I can't figure out how to edit, sorry.) I feel especially terrible when there are innocent children involved. I know some choose to stay with their abusive spouse because they believe in the sanctity of marriage. But where is the line drawn when there is abuse and children are involved? I know I can't do anything except pray and let them know that I am there for them. But as a ACOC, I would never, ever wish that nightmare upon anyone, let alone a child. Okay, sorry for the rant!

SoaringSpirits

My XAH never yelled and never laid a hand on me. But he would barely speak to me many days, and at the end never touched me except when he was pawing at me for drunken sex. I later learned this is called "stonewalling" and it's considered emotional abuse. It took me a long time to realize that I'd been living in a situation where I was allowing myself to be emotionally abused.

I felt invisible.

Three years after separating from him, I still struggle at times with the legacy of the emotional abuse. As others have said, with physical abuse there is physical evidence, with emotional abuse it's all smoke and mirrors. But it's devastating just the same.

I found that reading about John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of Marriage" was very helpful, as he defines emotional abuse in relationships and why it's so devastating.

theuncertainty

Butterfly, in my experience, it's just as hard to 'convince' someone in an abusive relationship that they are as it is to convince someone alcohol is a problem when they're in denial or protect mode. My family expressed concerns. I was 'fine.' We were fine. Until I was ready to hear what they were saying.

And... its tricky... I still didn't believe, truly believe. The counselor I went to see to learn to talk to my alcoholic husband told me that I should talk to the local DV shelter and the local rape crisis line. I swear I thought she was trying to get me to see that I had it easy compared to others.

The realization that my relationship with AXH was not right took a while to set in. And it wasn't because of any one thing a single person said.

However, what helped was the support and love and confidence that my family gave me without end. When he was tearing down my confidence, they were reminding me that I am a strong, smart person. When he was convincing me that I couldn't survive on my own, they showed me that I am an amazing mom fully capable of raising a brilliant and beautiful boy and take care of us both. When I ran, they gave me a place to stay until I got on my feet. When I went back, they reminded me of how strong I am and that DS and I weren't alone. They reminded me DS and I were loved and worthy of love and that love shouldn't hurt.

dandylion

butterfly---I share your same nagging question---I so wish that I had an answer. I want so desperately to help the abused partner (And I reject the idea that this makes me a co-dependent)......but, feel so guilty by letting the children sit there vulnerable and unprotected.

I think we still have a lot to learn about how to deal with domestic violence and how to help the children.

I would love to hear any comments that others may have to add to this particular subject????

dandylion