Fiance of Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
Fiance of Addict
Hi all, I'm new here looking for some answers and support as I help my fiance work on getting sober.
We've been together for 5 years, getting married this summer, and he has been an addict as long as I've known him. I think he started using alcohol in his mid-teens and progressed to prescription drugs. He got in some legal trouble in his late teens (not drug/alcohol related) and has been using only alcohol and weed (to my knowledge) since. His consumption has decreased immensely since we started seeing each other - from probably 1/2 a half-gallon a night to 1 24 oz beer 4 days a week, plus smoking weed daily.
I've always considered him "an addict" as he drinks or smokes everyday and has for the whole duration of our relationship. Although I've never liked it I felt that he has been so high-functioning that it's not something that needed to be addressed. I also doubted his capacity or willingness to change and felt like my nagging him or degrading him about it would not do any good, anyway.
Last night he was out with a friend and I found over a dozen fresh empty wine bottles hidden in our home, meaning that he's been hiding his drinking which he has never done before to my knowledge (and he asserts that this is the first time he has hid it, as well). I set every bottle out in a line across the whole kitchen counter so he would see them when he got home and I went to bed. This morning he came to me upset and apologetic, confessing that he's been binge drinking the last couple weeks and hiding it because he was so ashamed. He admits that he needs to address this issue at last.
Now I'm really worried. He's been sick all day which I hate to see. He has been so successful at keeping this from interfering with work, relationships, personal life, etc that I worry he won't see the merit in total sobriety and will give up. I don't know if there is a spectrum where he could reassess his relationship with alcohol and develop a healthy and moderate relationship with substances or if he needs to quit 100% altogether. I wonder if it's even my place to suggest that or if he needs to be the one to decide what he needs to do.
When do I step in to help him and what things does he need to figure out himself?
We've been together for 5 years, getting married this summer, and he has been an addict as long as I've known him. I think he started using alcohol in his mid-teens and progressed to prescription drugs. He got in some legal trouble in his late teens (not drug/alcohol related) and has been using only alcohol and weed (to my knowledge) since. His consumption has decreased immensely since we started seeing each other - from probably 1/2 a half-gallon a night to 1 24 oz beer 4 days a week, plus smoking weed daily.
I've always considered him "an addict" as he drinks or smokes everyday and has for the whole duration of our relationship. Although I've never liked it I felt that he has been so high-functioning that it's not something that needed to be addressed. I also doubted his capacity or willingness to change and felt like my nagging him or degrading him about it would not do any good, anyway.
Last night he was out with a friend and I found over a dozen fresh empty wine bottles hidden in our home, meaning that he's been hiding his drinking which he has never done before to my knowledge (and he asserts that this is the first time he has hid it, as well). I set every bottle out in a line across the whole kitchen counter so he would see them when he got home and I went to bed. This morning he came to me upset and apologetic, confessing that he's been binge drinking the last couple weeks and hiding it because he was so ashamed. He admits that he needs to address this issue at last.
Now I'm really worried. He's been sick all day which I hate to see. He has been so successful at keeping this from interfering with work, relationships, personal life, etc that I worry he won't see the merit in total sobriety and will give up. I don't know if there is a spectrum where he could reassess his relationship with alcohol and develop a healthy and moderate relationship with substances or if he needs to quit 100% altogether. I wonder if it's even my place to suggest that or if he needs to be the one to decide what he needs to do.
When do I step in to help him and what things does he need to figure out himself?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
wow, hartgoats. you are describing a guy like myself. seems as though youve researched, and are not doing the wrong things.
remember though, that it is your right (as the s.other) to demand open truth. reinforce this with the fact that you want to help. i would bet anything that the "sneaky drinking" is not an isolated , one time event.
the sticky part is whether or not he's ready, or just smoothing feathers. when i did the latter, i always reminded myself to be more friggin careful with the sneaky stuff, and not get caught next time. a foolish game.
remember though, that it is your right (as the s.other) to demand open truth. reinforce this with the fact that you want to help. i would bet anything that the "sneaky drinking" is not an isolated , one time event.
the sticky part is whether or not he's ready, or just smoothing feathers. when i did the latter, i always reminded myself to be more friggin careful with the sneaky stuff, and not get caught next time. a foolish game.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well, you are right that nagging your fiancé won't do anything to change him. I learned the hard way with my husband and only made myself miserable. What I did was to lay out what I saw happening, what my concerns were and set boundaries to take care of myself. Ultimately the decision to get sober or not was then in my husbands hands. I could be supportive but all decisions and consequences were his responsibility. Educate yourself. I learned a lot on the family and friends of alcoholics forum here on SR. Try looking over there too. Take care of yourself and welcome here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
I have told him that I don't like his drinking but I don't bring it up unless it directly affects me and I'm never confrontational about it. I just make the statement that I wish he would not drink or smoke and I leave it at that.
He said that this was the first time he has hid it and I do and don't believe him. I'm sure he's done it before but I'm guessing it's been on a smaller scale. I've tried to cultivate an environment where he can be open about it because I don't see how him hiding it is going to help anything.
The thing that really made me stress about this incident is the deception and not the drinking, which I've accepted and tolerated. I hate the idea that I could become the kind of person checking hiding places in the house, smelling his breath, checking his receipts to see if he's hiding it. That would make me miserable and honestly I'd probably leave him if I felt like I had to do that.
He has always asserted that it doesn't interfere with his life and that lots of people come home and have a beer to wind down. What was new this time was that he realized I knew, came to me, told me he's scared and he needs help, and admitted that he needs to fix this. Of course now that he's ready to address it I'm scared about the roller coaster ride of him quitting, relapsing, and fighting his addictions.
At least before I knew where we stood and there were no surprises. The thing that has changed obviously is that he hid it when he hasn't really done that before. I don't know if that means that he mentally hit the point where he realized he can't control it and felt ashamed? Is it good or bad, I wonder...
He said that this was the first time he has hid it and I do and don't believe him. I'm sure he's done it before but I'm guessing it's been on a smaller scale. I've tried to cultivate an environment where he can be open about it because I don't see how him hiding it is going to help anything.
The thing that really made me stress about this incident is the deception and not the drinking, which I've accepted and tolerated. I hate the idea that I could become the kind of person checking hiding places in the house, smelling his breath, checking his receipts to see if he's hiding it. That would make me miserable and honestly I'd probably leave him if I felt like I had to do that.
He has always asserted that it doesn't interfere with his life and that lots of people come home and have a beer to wind down. What was new this time was that he realized I knew, came to me, told me he's scared and he needs help, and admitted that he needs to fix this. Of course now that he's ready to address it I'm scared about the roller coaster ride of him quitting, relapsing, and fighting his addictions.
At least before I knew where we stood and there were no surprises. The thing that has changed obviously is that he hid it when he hasn't really done that before. I don't know if that means that he mentally hit the point where he realized he can't control it and felt ashamed? Is it good or bad, I wonder...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
hart,
As someone who was the alcoholic in the relationship, here's my experience:
The most basic and critical part of getting sober is getting honest. You can't help or make him get honest if he's not willing to do so. Until he's 100% honest and willing to do whatever is necessary to get sober, the odds are not good. I don't mean like 50/50 chances, more like 5/100 - you need to know this first and foremost before you get married.
Active addiction is always progressive - always. The rate of decline gets steeper over time, and the consequences get graver. I went a loooong time with "heavy" drinking before the wheels started coming off.
I split with my "nagging" GF of 15 years and things went to hell for the next five years before I quit rather than commit suicide. Yes - it gets that bad. I would say he's got awhile to go before he's truly motivated to quit 100% forever. I could be wrong about that, but I can't tell you how many times I tried to cut back, change how/when/where I drank, but never would I seriously consider quitting until I could not go any further. That's what life starts to look like if you have always used alcohol or pot to deal with the hard things in life since your teens.
I'm sorry, but I find it really hard to believe that the first time ever hiding bottles, an alcoholic hides 12. You hide the first one or two and then the next day you hide it/them in the trash, either at home or at a public trashcan. A dozen either means he's been blackout drinking or been hiding for awhile. And blackout drinking doesn't necessarily mean snot-slinging drunk. I gave my then-girlfriend the key to my house two times... didn't remember the first, it was over a bottle of wine the previous weekend. Zero recall, and before that day I would have sworn on my mothers grave that I had never had a blackout.
How you can support him: be 100% honest and hold him to the same standard. If he has been drinking and/or smoking daily for years, he almost definitely can't do it on willpower alone, or he already would have. This has nothing to do with intentions or willpower - it's way beyond that.
Rehab, AA, NA, AVRT, therapists... there are lots of ways people get sober but almost nobody manages to do it solo. If he says "I am not like those people" it is a red flag... one I have been guilty of in my early sobriety. In all the ways that matter, he is exactly like "those people."
I suggest you check out Alanon, and the alanon-related forums here on SR. They have loads more experience on this side of the street than I do.
Sorry for all the bad news above, that is my honest experience. However, here is the good news: the girl I gave two keys to in the fall of 2009? She will be my wife in September. Miracles do happen - we just need to do our part to make them possible.
As someone who was the alcoholic in the relationship, here's my experience:
I'm new here looking for some answers and support as I help my fiance work on getting sober.
The thing that has changed obviously is that he hid it when he hasn't really done that before
I also doubted his capacity or willingness to change
He said that this was the first time he has hid it
How you can support him: be 100% honest and hold him to the same standard. If he has been drinking and/or smoking daily for years, he almost definitely can't do it on willpower alone, or he already would have. This has nothing to do with intentions or willpower - it's way beyond that.
Rehab, AA, NA, AVRT, therapists... there are lots of ways people get sober but almost nobody manages to do it solo. If he says "I am not like those people" it is a red flag... one I have been guilty of in my early sobriety. In all the ways that matter, he is exactly like "those people."
I suggest you check out Alanon, and the alanon-related forums here on SR. They have loads more experience on this side of the street than I do.
Sorry for all the bad news above, that is my honest experience. However, here is the good news: the girl I gave two keys to in the fall of 2009? She will be my wife in September. Miracles do happen - we just need to do our part to make them possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
Thanks for your response, Eddie. Honestly, this whole thing has really blindsided me. He used to finish a half gallon every two days when we met. He slowly switched from hard liquor to beer and was drinking several 24 oz beers a week recently, as far as I knew. Definitely did not seem progressive! I've lived with him and watched him for years, I'm wondering how much I really know about his drinking habits and how much of it was concealed. But you're right, there had to be a build up here. I almost feel like it doesn't even matter because whether I know or not it's not like I can fix it.
I worked with a drug and alcohol counselor earlier this year and I have contacts through work who are in the field. I think I'm going to reach out to some of these people and see what resources they recommend. I'll definitely be doing some reading about addiction in the next couple weeks, too. He agreed to try AA or anything else I suggested but I think I'm going to make him do the legwork and initiate these things because, again, I'm not in his head and I don't have a good idea how this will stick or how serious he is.
I worked with a drug and alcohol counselor earlier this year and I have contacts through work who are in the field. I think I'm going to reach out to some of these people and see what resources they recommend. I'll definitely be doing some reading about addiction in the next couple weeks, too. He agreed to try AA or anything else I suggested but I think I'm going to make him do the legwork and initiate these things because, again, I'm not in his head and I don't have a good idea how this will stick or how serious he is.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
I think I'm going to make him do the legwork and initiate these things because, again, I'm not in his head and I don't have a good idea how this will stick or how serious he is.
As to reading, this is not technically all that up to date, but I found it to be really helpful to read after I got out of rehab because it reassured me that what I was going through was normal: Under the Influence by James Milam. I picked up a new paperback copy at B&N for about $8.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 37
This may be incredibly wrong advice but as an alcoholic this is what I would do in your shoes:
Tell him no more drinking or weed or you will leave.
Offer 100% support including stop drinking yourself and having no alcohol in the house.
Encourage a visit to the doctors to explore medication for potential underlying depression.
He needs to cease being around people who enable the alcohol or weed.
If he drinks or does weed you pack your bags and leave.
There has to be consequences for the addiction and you need to look after yourself.
Tell him no more drinking or weed or you will leave.
Offer 100% support including stop drinking yourself and having no alcohol in the house.
Encourage a visit to the doctors to explore medication for potential underlying depression.
He needs to cease being around people who enable the alcohol or weed.
If he drinks or does weed you pack your bags and leave.
There has to be consequences for the addiction and you need to look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 28
Been there, done that...
Good luck to you, hartgoats. As a significant other who kidded myself for YEARS, all the nagging & ultimatums I gave (and never stuck to) did no good at all....except to drive the deceit even deeper underground.
Now that my S.O. is in and committed to recovery, I'm doing my best to trust & support, that's all you can do unless you are willing to give up and walk away. I personally am working on my enabling & codependency issues with my SO's help, so we are in this together AT LAST!
Now that my S.O. is in and committed to recovery, I'm doing my best to trust & support, that's all you can do unless you are willing to give up and walk away. I personally am working on my enabling & codependency issues with my SO's help, so we are in this together AT LAST!
painless
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: somerset
Posts: 138
If you love him then sit him down and lay it all out... Im not telling you to leave him because when I needed my fiance the most she up and bailed on me and left me to fend for myself with a terrible heroin addiction. I cant blame her but I did expect better from a woman i honestly thought loved me unconditionally but actually never did truly love me... many will tell you your man needs to hit rock bottom but i dont agree with that at all.. especially if hes high functioning and has respect and cares for you. You need to demand he stop drinking and drugging 110%. there is no happy medium when using drugs and alcohol. Find a detox with him sitting next to you online and make the calls needed to help save his life... to go through this alone like i did made me want to hurt myself... im only 46 days totally clean and sober today and i still love and miss my ex and wish she would allow me to help repair the damage i caused from lies and drugs but im ok and doing just fine without her. in fact im doing better now then i ever did with her.. make the calls and help your man... good luck....
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by hartgoats 
We've been together for 5 years, getting married this summer, and he has been an addict as long as I've known him.
I hope you consider delaying the marriage until he has shown he is open to recovery and has demonstrated as such.
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