MightyFlea21

No other explanation for my ridiculous behavior. Went over a week sober and then like a moron went on 6 day binge session which included some really sneaky and shady acts to hide my drinking. It's disgusting when i think about how I'm killing myself. But I must have a death wish for some reason. I have great job house cars and family with one loving 4yr old and a second one on the way. A second one!! And it's still not enough to make me stop. I hate myself for drinking and I drink because I must hate myself. I don't drink for taste or pleasure and because I hide it I certainly can't enjoy the buzz so only explanation is a death wish. I need to put my family before me but I'm really struggling with quitting. AA isn't for me as I'm not spiritual. What else can I try? Please help. Thank you all.

least

You can try this simple approach. Just don't pick up the first drink. If you don't have the first one, there won't be any more. Simple, not easy.

Do you really think you have a death wish? Your behavior would certainly seem to indicate that. I hope you can get sober for good before something really bad happens.

LBrain

Hi MightyFlea, well the first thing you can do is put down the drink.
The second thing you can do is throw that, "I'm not spiritual so I don't go to AA." crap out the window. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. Leave the spirituality part out of it and use AA as a tool to help you. The important thing is to use what is available to you right now to help you. AA seems to be a good start. Once you get a handle on not drinking and clear your mind a bit, THEN you can debate the spiritual business if you want.
Until then, just refusing something based on principal is ludicrous.
If you were drowning and I threw you a pink polka dot life saver, would you refuse to use it because you didn't like pink?

Get help now and look at options later. My 2 cents.

heath480

If you are an Alcoholic,that explains why you are drinking.I am certain you don't have a death wish.

You hate yourself because of your drinking,it is a vicious circle and you are repeating it.

I heard someone tonight say if you were allergic to peanuts or shellfish you wouldn't eat them.

There are more recovery methods besides AA,give them a go,if you have never been to an AA meeting,give one a try,you don't have to be spiritual to go,all you need is a desire to stop drinking.

Wishing you well.

Dee74

if you really want to stop (and it sounds to me more like you do than any cockamamie death wish) there's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

There's also counselling, seeing your Dr, or inpatient and outpatient rehab MF.

D

Mountainmanbob

hopefully this site will be of some help for you

one needs not be spiritual to attend AA meetings
I know many there who have not a clue regarding God
and are (not forced in any way) to understand God

I also did many, many things which endangered my life
and the lives of others
didn't mean to
but
things do happen when I'm drunk

MM

doggonecarl

Rehab, I'd say, since you are incapable of getting sober on your own.

EndGameNYC

It's difficult to argue that those of us who've spent most of our waking hours drunk, hungover or drinking large quantities of poison don't have a "death wish." How else to explain it?

Yet the term itself has multiple meanings. You don't have to be an active alcoholic to have a death wish. It's essentially a desire to be free of the stress, conflicts, experiences of loss and abandonment, heartache, betrayal, illness, failures and letdowns that life inevitably brings.

Some of us "cope" by developing psychiatric conditions (anxiety, depression, phobias) that allow (force) us to not be present in situations we interpret as being potentially harmful, or to not be around other people so as not to be judged (often experienced as complete annihilation of the self), disappointed or otherwise hurt by them. In extreme cases, people live as virtual shut-ins, with every potential human interaction -- and any other situation beyond their near-complete control -- are taken as dangerous, even deadly.

I certainly expressed my personal death wish with my drinking. Living life was the threat, and alcohol was my best defense against that threat...the delivery system for shutting out all that was good in life and in myself. Baby with the bath water.

Dollyangel17

Hi MightyFlea,

I was in a similar situation...loving husband and daughter, good job etc. I also got to the point that I did not enjoy drinking, rarely got a buzz from it, hid it constantly, and often times asked myself WHY I drank, because I didn't enjoy it...I would ask myself this literally as I raised the glass to my lips.

It defied all logic, I felt trapped...but it was not a death wish, and it doesn't sound like you have one either.

I eventually did put that drink down, almost 1 year ago:-)

You can do this, and welcome!

lovemesomeokra

Or because you don't like polka dots? Or because you once heard that live savers were spiritual and you're not into spirituality?

If you've never been to an AA meeting, you have no idea what you're talking about. Even most of the people on this site who've decided on a recovery plan that doesn't include AA have tried AA and have respect for it.

Thing number one is don't pick up a drink. Thing number two is find people who have been through what you're going through. They're here, they're in AA. I don't know any other place to find them as easily and right now it sounds like you need to find them.

One of the most awesome things about SR and AA is that WAY MOST people won't judge you; they just wanna help. Perhaps you could suspend judgement of AA until you've tried a meeting or two?

I don't want to sound harsh. I'm on the road to recovery, too. Am sharing thoughts that help me in the hope that they help you. So, in that spirit...

Wish you well!

bostonluv

My boyfriend of 12 years was so resistant to spirituality. Until he needed it. A hard core atheist and he found spirituality through meditation and Dr. Wayne Dyer. Have you ever listened to Dr. Wayne Dyer? Go to youtube and look up "The Shift." I highly recommend you check it out - after all you have nothing to lose. You won't get brainwashed. It's a process to find your own spirituality. It doesn't have to be religious. I hope you are brave enough to check it out.