Husband and drinking
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Husband and drinking
Hey guys,
I am an alcoholic. Been sober for almost 3 years. Don't want to go back at all! Anywho, that's me.
I have a question / concern.
My husband is a beer connoisseur. Meaning he likes good beer. Not cheap beer. Beer that can cost $30 for a 12 pack. He won't drink the cheap stuff. He also makes his own beer. Long story short, my husband really likes beer. Okay..
My husband is a hard working guy. He works almost 6 days a week and on his days off, he likes to have home projects. For example, he just built a soundproof studio in our garage! (He's also a wonderful guitar player / musician.) All around, he's a great dude. Honest dude. All around wonderful person.
Okay, here it is...
He drinks EVERY night. About 4 - 5 beers..sometimes 6. He's also heavily addicted to nicotine. He was a smoker for 15 years, however, has now switched to Ecigs and really treats that like a pacifier. If anything, he is getting more nicotine than before. So, long story short, he is an addict.
Now, taken, he is not nearly as bad as what I was. However, it still is concerning to me. Last night, I heard him open beer number 6 and was like "honey, why are you drinking so much?" he just said "I don't know." ..O.o.. I then proceeded to ask why he felt like he needed to drink every night. He responded with "I don't know." I asked him if he felt like he needed beer and he said "I think I could quit." I asked him if thinking about quitting stressed him out..once again.."I don't know." ...O.o...
He is a productive guy, a good Dad and provider, but, I just want to know why he drinks so much. He says he likes the taste, but, he has to also like the feeling because the beers he drinks usually have a high ABV. I mean, c'mon..drinking 5 beers with a 7% ABV, I think we all know that can get you pretty buzzed / drunk. He doesn't stumble around or slur. He just acts normal / happy. I have seen him not drink before and he acts okay. Not as happy. But not depressed. (Nicotine is a different story. If he went without nicotine...dear Lord.)
Anywho, what do you guys think I should say/ do? I feel almost hypocritical calling him out on this based on my drinking past.
I appreciate your time, guys.
Nat
I am an alcoholic. Been sober for almost 3 years. Don't want to go back at all! Anywho, that's me.
I have a question / concern.
My husband is a beer connoisseur. Meaning he likes good beer. Not cheap beer. Beer that can cost $30 for a 12 pack. He won't drink the cheap stuff. He also makes his own beer. Long story short, my husband really likes beer. Okay..
My husband is a hard working guy. He works almost 6 days a week and on his days off, he likes to have home projects. For example, he just built a soundproof studio in our garage! (He's also a wonderful guitar player / musician.) All around, he's a great dude. Honest dude. All around wonderful person.
Okay, here it is...
He drinks EVERY night. About 4 - 5 beers..sometimes 6. He's also heavily addicted to nicotine. He was a smoker for 15 years, however, has now switched to Ecigs and really treats that like a pacifier. If anything, he is getting more nicotine than before. So, long story short, he is an addict.
Now, taken, he is not nearly as bad as what I was. However, it still is concerning to me. Last night, I heard him open beer number 6 and was like "honey, why are you drinking so much?" he just said "I don't know." ..O.o.. I then proceeded to ask why he felt like he needed to drink every night. He responded with "I don't know." I asked him if he felt like he needed beer and he said "I think I could quit." I asked him if thinking about quitting stressed him out..once again.."I don't know." ...O.o...
He is a productive guy, a good Dad and provider, but, I just want to know why he drinks so much. He says he likes the taste, but, he has to also like the feeling because the beers he drinks usually have a high ABV. I mean, c'mon..drinking 5 beers with a 7% ABV, I think we all know that can get you pretty buzzed / drunk. He doesn't stumble around or slur. He just acts normal / happy. I have seen him not drink before and he acts okay. Not as happy. But not depressed. (Nicotine is a different story. If he went without nicotine...dear Lord.)
Anywho, what do you guys think I should say/ do? I feel almost hypocritical calling him out on this based on my drinking past.
I appreciate your time, guys.
Nat
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
There is a member whose tag line goes something like this: "Those without a drinking problem do not have a voice telling them they don't have a problem"...
I can understand how upsetting this must be to you, especially having dealt with your own alcoholism...
While it's difficult for me to understand how a person can drink, and be effectively ok before, during and after.. because that was NOT my story... I think there are some who (for whatever genetic, emotional, or physical reason) can drink without it ever becoming a life changing, or life altering thing...
Who knows... maybe he's one of them... (I refer to them as the "few and the strong")
they do exist... and believe me, I tried to convince myself that I was one of them for a long time... It didn't work... I ain't. end of story.
I can understand how upsetting this must be to you, especially having dealt with your own alcoholism...
While it's difficult for me to understand how a person can drink, and be effectively ok before, during and after.. because that was NOT my story... I think there are some who (for whatever genetic, emotional, or physical reason) can drink without it ever becoming a life changing, or life altering thing...
Who knows... maybe he's one of them... (I refer to them as the "few and the strong")
they do exist... and believe me, I tried to convince myself that I was one of them for a long time... It didn't work... I ain't. end of story.
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I think if he's a "good guy , who is responsible and is good the people around him" then I'd say, ask yourself why it bugs YOU so much. As you said, it doesn't seem to effect his life negatively, so what's the real issue ? Do you know ?
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If he can do it and never has ill consequences and it is not affecting his health.
Is it affecting his health?
Well if not he may just be a heavy drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you think it may bother you because you and I can not drink like that.
A little envious maybe? If my husband was doing that I would be really envious.
If I didn't have any negative consequences to my drinking, I am sure I would still be drinking.
Is it affecting his health?
Well if not he may just be a heavy drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you think it may bother you because you and I can not drink like that.
A little envious maybe? If my husband was doing that I would be really envious.
If I didn't have any negative consequences to my drinking, I am sure I would still be drinking.
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Originally Posted by happycampers 
I think if he's a "good guy , who is responsible and is good the people around him" then I'd say, ask yourself why it bugs YOU so much. As you said, it doesn't seem to effect his life negatively, so what's the real issue ? Do you know ?
What's the real issue? Do I know? lol. I have some ideas, but, that's why I came here! For outside perspective.
Thanks!
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Originally Posted by deeker
If he can do it and never has ill consequences and it is not affecting his health.
Is it affecting his health?
Well if not he may just be a heavy drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you think it may bother you because you and I can not drink like that.
A little envious maybe? If my husband was doing that I would be really envious.
If I didn't have any negative consequences to my drinking, I am sure I would still be drinking.
Is it affecting his health?
Well if not he may just be a heavy drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you think it may bother you because you and I can not drink like that.
A little envious maybe? If my husband was doing that I would be really envious.
If I didn't have any negative consequences to my drinking, I am sure I would still be drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I am going through the same thing with my spouse, yet she is an alcoholic. I am often reminded though that this is EXACTLY the type of thing we need to turn over to our HP. We cannot control others and to try to do so is an exercise in futility. All we can do is hope for the clarity to make decisions based on the information we have, which may mean leaving him.
If he is alcoholic there is only one way that elevator goes and its not up.
If he is alcoholic there is only one way that elevator goes and its not up.
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If it was me I would probably be concerned, or at least aware. What happens when you your schedule changes and for some reason he can't drink?
My husband is a normal drinker. He drinks maybe once a week, but I have never seen him come in and pour a drink because he is stressed, angry, happy, etc…I have never seen him make a decision based on whether alcohol would be available. I have never seen that anxiousness I used to feel when I was waiting for my opportunity to drink. The differences between us are glaring. He never comes home from an event and has a nightcap. Drinking is treated as an ancillary event. I drank like he did for years, I am not sure when other forces kicked in. We moved the same 20 bottles of hard liquor from an apartment to another house to another house over the course of 18 years. But all of a sudden, boom, I went down the rabbit hole and most of those bottles contained water a year later. I gained weight too. All of the healthy choices I had made for years sort of slipped away.
My take? Yeah, while his drinking isn't your responsibility, leaning heavily on anything is usually a concern. If he was coming home and eating 6 cans of green beans every night you would probably still be noticing. And because my progression was late (my late 40's) and gradual I do believe that not every alcoholic drinks alcoholically from their first drink. I don't think it is always sour grapes (
) to become aware of alcohol and the way it is being used in our homes. I know that often we think that mentioning something like this is done in a sort of "if I can't drink neither can you" way. I am seeing things for the first time that have likely been there for years in my own life. I think a lot of times there is a quid pro quo among partners…and all of a sudden one of us makes changes and the other is left swinging in the wind.
Nothing wrong with being observant, there is no litmus test and there are heavy drinkers out there. As the saying goes "more will be revealed".
My husband is a normal drinker. He drinks maybe once a week, but I have never seen him come in and pour a drink because he is stressed, angry, happy, etc…I have never seen him make a decision based on whether alcohol would be available. I have never seen that anxiousness I used to feel when I was waiting for my opportunity to drink. The differences between us are glaring. He never comes home from an event and has a nightcap. Drinking is treated as an ancillary event. I drank like he did for years, I am not sure when other forces kicked in. We moved the same 20 bottles of hard liquor from an apartment to another house to another house over the course of 18 years. But all of a sudden, boom, I went down the rabbit hole and most of those bottles contained water a year later. I gained weight too. All of the healthy choices I had made for years sort of slipped away.
My take? Yeah, while his drinking isn't your responsibility, leaning heavily on anything is usually a concern. If he was coming home and eating 6 cans of green beans every night you would probably still be noticing. And because my progression was late (my late 40's) and gradual I do believe that not every alcoholic drinks alcoholically from their first drink. I don't think it is always sour grapes (
) to become aware of alcohol and the way it is being used in our homes. I know that often we think that mentioning something like this is done in a sort of "if I can't drink neither can you" way. I am seeing things for the first time that have likely been there for years in my own life. I think a lot of times there is a quid pro quo among partners…and all of a sudden one of us makes changes and the other is left swinging in the wind.Nothing wrong with being observant, there is no litmus test and there are heavy drinkers out there. As the saying goes "more will be revealed".
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Posts: 125
Originally Posted by jdooner
I am going through the same thing with my spouse, yet she is an alcoholic. I am often reminded though that this is EXACTLY the type of thing we need to turn over to our HP. We cannot control others and to try to do so is an exercise in futility. All we can do is hope for the clarity to make decisions based on the information we have, which may mean leaving him.
If he is alcoholic there is only one way that elevator goes and its not up.
If he is alcoholic there is only one way that elevator goes and its not up.
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Originally Posted by Knat84
All around, he's a great dude. Honest dude. All around wonderful person.
Alcoholic or not, problem drinker or not, he's drinking well over the medically recommended amount. Has he had a physical exam? Perhaps a health check is in order. Hopefully it will be fine, but if it's not, what happens next regarding his drinking will say much about the depth of his "problem."
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My husband could have wrote this a before I quit. I took great pride in not having anything he could point to and say "you have to quit". One of his only concerns was drinking in front of the daughter so I pushed back starting time by an hour when she was already into her own thing downstairs. So your concerns are valid. Nobody could have convinced me to quit. It is just something you have realize yourself. He very well might. You could bring it up calmly that this is starting to worry you.
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Originally Posted by jaynie04
If it was me I would probably be concerned, or at least aware. What happens when you your schedule changes and for some reason he can't drink?
My husband is a normal drinker. He drinks maybe once a week, but I have never seen him come in and pour a drink because he is stressed, angry, happy, etc…I have never seen him make a decision based on whether alcohol would be available. I have never seen that anxiousness I used to feel when I was waiting for my opportunity to drink. The differences between us are glaring. He never comes home from an event and has a nightcap. Drinking is treated as an ancillary event. I drank like he did for years, I am not sure when other forces kicked in. We moved the same 20 bottles of hard liquor from an apartment to another house to another house over the course of 18 years. But all of a sudden, boom, I went down the rabbit hole and most of those bottles contained water a year later. I gained weight too. All of the healthy choices I had made for years sort of slipped away.
My take? Yeah, while his drinking isn't your responsibility, leaning heavily on anything is usually a concern. If he was coming home and eating 6 cans of green beans every night you would probably still be noticing. And because my progression was late (my late 40's) and gradual I do believe that not every alcoholic drinks alcoholically from their first drink. I don't think it is always sour grapes () to become aware of alcohol and the way it is being used in our homes. I know that often we think that mentioning something like this is done in a sort of "if I can't drink neither can you" way. I am seeing things for the first time that have likely been there for years in my own life. I think a lot of times there is a quid pro quo among partners…and all of a sudden one of us makes changes and the other is left swinging in the wind.
Nothing wrong with being observant, there is no litmus test and there are heavy drinkers out there. As the saying goes "more will be revealed".
My husband is a normal drinker. He drinks maybe once a week, but I have never seen him come in and pour a drink because he is stressed, angry, happy, etc…I have never seen him make a decision based on whether alcohol would be available. I have never seen that anxiousness I used to feel when I was waiting for my opportunity to drink. The differences between us are glaring. He never comes home from an event and has a nightcap. Drinking is treated as an ancillary event. I drank like he did for years, I am not sure when other forces kicked in. We moved the same 20 bottles of hard liquor from an apartment to another house to another house over the course of 18 years. But all of a sudden, boom, I went down the rabbit hole and most of those bottles contained water a year later. I gained weight too. All of the healthy choices I had made for years sort of slipped away.
My take? Yeah, while his drinking isn't your responsibility, leaning heavily on anything is usually a concern. If he was coming home and eating 6 cans of green beans every night you would probably still be noticing. And because my progression was late (my late 40's) and gradual I do believe that not every alcoholic drinks alcoholically from their first drink. I don't think it is always sour grapes (
) to become aware of alcohol and the way it is being used in our homes. I know that often we think that mentioning something like this is done in a sort of "if I can't drink neither can you" way. I am seeing things for the first time that have likely been there for years in my own life. I think a lot of times there is a quid pro quo among partners…and all of a sudden one of us makes changes and the other is left swinging in the wind.Nothing wrong with being observant, there is no litmus test and there are heavy drinkers out there. As the saying goes "more will be revealed".
I would say that I would be completely fine with his drinking if it were in moderation (like your husbands!)
As for the schedule changes, when we have to go have dinner with his folks (as we do a couple of times a month), he doesn't drink beer and seems to be fine. However, when we go home, he definitely cracks a few open. I'd also like to add that he never drinks until after he gets home from work / 5'o'clock.
It's just the amount of beer that he drinks and the ABV in his beer is what gets me. Seriously, if he just had 2 a night, I would not be concerned. But, it's climbed from 1 to 2 to 4 to 6.
I just am just thinking "Wow. That's quite a bit of booze." I think I'm going to ask him to cut back. See where that goes and will report back with you wonderful guys!
Thank you so much for responding..
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
well, sounds like you're growing apart a bit in interests and you're noticing it. You're now into health and physical shape, etc. and he's has stayed the same. You're projecting the future and where he end up ( his dad is a heavier drinker, so he will end up that way,etc.) - do you absolutely know that's true ??? Maybe you need to find some new hobbies or ways to connect again because I see you seeing the split between you that can be remedied better by something you both agree upon. Judging him for not making the changes you have will only make the wedge deeper between you and most of it, you really have to question in your own mind. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the way he is. I'm not saying I'm right; I'm throwing food out for thought, nothing more.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Doesn't mean he's not disposed to having a problem with alcohol.
Alcoholic or not, problem drinker or not, he's drinking well over the medically recommended amount. Has he had a physical exam? Perhaps a health check is in order. Hopefully it will be fine, but if it's not, what happens next regarding his drinking will say much about the depth of his "problem."
Alcoholic or not, problem drinker or not, he's drinking well over the medically recommended amount. Has he had a physical exam? Perhaps a health check is in order. Hopefully it will be fine, but if it's not, what happens next regarding his drinking will say much about the depth of his "problem."
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Originally Posted by Knat84
Haha. Eating 6 cans of green beans...hehe, I like you.
I would say that I would be completely fine with his drinking if it were in moderation (like your husbands!)
As for the schedule changes, when we have to go have dinner with his folks (as we do a couple of times a month), he doesn't drink beer and seems to be fine. However, when we go home, he definitely cracks a few open. I'd also like to add that he never drinks until after he gets home from work / 5'o'clock.
It's just the amount of beer that he drinks and the ABV in his beer is what gets me. Seriously, if he just had 2 a night, I would not be concerned. But, it's climbed from 1 to 2 to 4 to 6.
I just am just thinking "Wow. That's quite a bit of booze." I think I'm going to ask him to cut back. See where that goes and will report back with you wonderful guys!
Thank you so much for responding..
I would say that I would be completely fine with his drinking if it were in moderation (like your husbands!)
As for the schedule changes, when we have to go have dinner with his folks (as we do a couple of times a month), he doesn't drink beer and seems to be fine. However, when we go home, he definitely cracks a few open. I'd also like to add that he never drinks until after he gets home from work / 5'o'clock.
It's just the amount of beer that he drinks and the ABV in his beer is what gets me. Seriously, if he just had 2 a night, I would not be concerned. But, it's climbed from 1 to 2 to 4 to 6.
I just am just thinking "Wow. That's quite a bit of booze." I think I'm going to ask him to cut back. See where that goes and will report back with you wonderful guys!
Thank you so much for responding..
Good luck and don't light yourself on fire:-)
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Originally Posted by happycampers
well, sounds like you're growing apart a bit in interests and you're noticing it. You're now into health and physical shape, etc. and he's has stayed the same. You're projecting the future and where he end up ( his dad is a heavier drinker, so he will end up that way,etc.) - do you absolutely know that's true ??? Maybe you need to find some new hobbies or ways to connect again because I see you seeing the split between you that can be remedied better by something you both agree upon. Judging him for not making the changes you have will only make the wedge deeper between you and most of it, you really have to question in your own mind. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the way he is. I'm not saying I'm right; I'm throwing food out for thought, nothing more.
We really aren't getting wedged apart at all. We play music together. We're intimate together on a daily basis (and we've been together for almost 15 years, since high school! And we have a kid! lol.) We like the same movies, music, play games together. Long story short, like the song by Sade', 'nothing can come between us'! He could weigh 300 lbs. and I 115 and I would still the beautiful man I married. (Although, I would be frightened for him.) - Really and truly, I just worry about his health, I guess I want him to be around for as long as possible. Thanks for the reply!
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Originally Posted by jdooner
My point, perhaps not articulated correctly, is you cannot change him. You either have to accept him or you have to make choices. You can't wish for him to be a normal drinker like Jaynie's husband if he is alcoholic or an addict (your words). All you can do is set an example, perhaps talk to him about it but nothing more than that - we each have to reach our own bottoms to get better.
Good luck and don't light yourself on fire:-)
Good luck and don't light yourself on fire:-)
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well, maybe that's a concept you'll have to drop, for your own peace of mind ( his health). If he's not bothered by it, then it's just about the pictures floating around in your head and only YOU can question those. That has nothing to do with him. And I agree, a check-up is not a bad idea, for anyone. But the rest is your own story , there for you to question and find peace with - again, just my opinion.
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craft beer guru
Except for the guitar part, you are basically describing me a few years ago.
I would be concerned because it will continue. The "I don't know" answer is a red flag. I imagine you are financially sound and the amount of money spent on beer it not "really" an issue at this time. If you ever see him drinking a coors lite, it's time to hit the panic button. No real beer drinker would ever touch that swill. I found myself drinking CL my sister left behind. Obviously it wasn't for the pleasure of having a beer. I would be genuinely concerned. Ask him nicely if he would consider cutting back for your peace of mind.
It's a tough one I know. But I was able to do some very complex and dangerous things with a six to 12 pack in me.
When I stopped buying dogfishead because I could get double the others for the same price...
I would be concerned because it will continue. The "I don't know" answer is a red flag. I imagine you are financially sound and the amount of money spent on beer it not "really" an issue at this time. If you ever see him drinking a coors lite, it's time to hit the panic button. No real beer drinker would ever touch that swill. I found myself drinking CL my sister left behind. Obviously it wasn't for the pleasure of having a beer. I would be genuinely concerned. Ask him nicely if he would consider cutting back for your peace of mind.
It's a tough one I know. But I was able to do some very complex and dangerous things with a six to 12 pack in me.
When I stopped buying dogfishead because I could get double the others for the same price...
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Not often do I see a story about someone who is almost exactly like I was before I stopped drinking. Your husband is that someone.
I was the kind of guy to come home from work and drink a few high gravity beers. I'd drink them pretty much every day. I would read stories about people who binge drank and blacked out - that wasn't me. I would read about people who woke up in the morning and started drinking - not me. Getting DUIs - not me.
I started with 2 or 3 a night. Eventually I worked up to 4 or 5. 6 high gravity beers in one night? I don't even know if I got to that point. But let me tell you that after 6 high gravity beers you've taken a significant amount of alcohol.
It sounds like your husband manages to remain happy and productive with his drinking. I started out that way, too - but eventually I started to get sluggish in the mornings. I would drink a lot of caffeine to get me going and then drink alcohol in the evenings to come down from the caffeine. The pet projects I was working on would sit unfinished as I went into a near comatose state every evening.
I would always ask myself "do I have a drinking problem?" and then compare myself to people who had big drinking problems. Of course, I'd always come out ahead. But trust me, I had a problem. After daily drinking several high gravity beers, your system gets attuned to it - or at least, my system did. I was addicted - maybe not to the point where I absolutely had to drink every day, but definitely to the point where if I went without for a couple of days, I would feel "off" and have really strong cravings for it.
While I realize that it is his body and his right to drink, you might at least recommend to your husband that he go ahead and get checked out by a doctor, just to see where he stands. My guess is that he's got a fatty liver - the first step toward cirrhosis. You might also ask him to go a couple of days without alcohol and see how he feels - not because you're trying to control his drinking, but because he might personally want to find out where he stands and see how his body feels after abstaining for a while.
Today it's 6; tomorrow it may be 7; maybe in a few years it will be 12?
I personally stopped the downward spiral before it got too bad, and my life is so much better now that I have. Not because I was incapacitated when drinking - I hadn't got that bad yet. But today I'm healthier, happier, more motivated to succeed, and I can live my life without worrying whether or not I have a problem with my drinking. Not drinking = no problem.
Good luck.
I was the kind of guy to come home from work and drink a few high gravity beers. I'd drink them pretty much every day. I would read stories about people who binge drank and blacked out - that wasn't me. I would read about people who woke up in the morning and started drinking - not me. Getting DUIs - not me.
I started with 2 or 3 a night. Eventually I worked up to 4 or 5. 6 high gravity beers in one night? I don't even know if I got to that point. But let me tell you that after 6 high gravity beers you've taken a significant amount of alcohol.
It sounds like your husband manages to remain happy and productive with his drinking. I started out that way, too - but eventually I started to get sluggish in the mornings. I would drink a lot of caffeine to get me going and then drink alcohol in the evenings to come down from the caffeine. The pet projects I was working on would sit unfinished as I went into a near comatose state every evening.
I would always ask myself "do I have a drinking problem?" and then compare myself to people who had big drinking problems. Of course, I'd always come out ahead. But trust me, I had a problem. After daily drinking several high gravity beers, your system gets attuned to it - or at least, my system did. I was addicted - maybe not to the point where I absolutely had to drink every day, but definitely to the point where if I went without for a couple of days, I would feel "off" and have really strong cravings for it.
While I realize that it is his body and his right to drink, you might at least recommend to your husband that he go ahead and get checked out by a doctor, just to see where he stands. My guess is that he's got a fatty liver - the first step toward cirrhosis. You might also ask him to go a couple of days without alcohol and see how he feels - not because you're trying to control his drinking, but because he might personally want to find out where he stands and see how his body feels after abstaining for a while.
Today it's 6; tomorrow it may be 7; maybe in a few years it will be 12?
I personally stopped the downward spiral before it got too bad, and my life is so much better now that I have. Not because I was incapacitated when drinking - I hadn't got that bad yet. But today I'm healthier, happier, more motivated to succeed, and I can live my life without worrying whether or not I have a problem with my drinking. Not drinking = no problem.
Good luck.
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