hang onto hope

Old 04-23-2014, 08:09 PM
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Getting Over It
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hang onto hope

Its been a long time since I have posted, but I feel compelled to update my situation. The divorce was hell, as I expected it to be. Custody is 60/40 and he pays very little child support and nothing for the extras.He moved on, but continued to try to control me through the kids. I try to have very little contact with him. I try not to react when he tries to manipulate me through the kids. Sometimes that is difficult - he knows the buttons to push.

Btw, its very difficult to prove abuse to a judge in this state. Unless your child has documented bruises, the judge doesnt want to hear it.Emotional abuse counts for nothing. I tried getting my records from a domestic violence counselor over several months to bring to the judge. She would not return my calls and was not available when I went to the shelter to get them. The counselor I had the boys going to sent in a statement agreeing with the 60/40. So I had nothing to give to the judge.The ex having this much custody was a real fear of mine if I left and it became reality. He has not touched them since he was jailed years ago, but the mind games continue. Once, he raised his fist to my middle son, age 16 at the time. Since then, he refused to visit his father and I refused to force him. It became a battle.Hes now 18 and visits on his own terms, which is not very often. I still have a younger teen who follows the 60/40 time sharing. Most times, hes okay with it (when things are calm), occasionally hes not.

I learned through this process that my ex was not just a dry drunk and abuser. He is narcissistic. My kids now understand how to deal with him and 2 of the 3 can walk away if need be. He has lost most of his power over us. The boys and I are on our roads to recovery and are very happy.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:52 PM
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Ugh, sorry you went through hell. : ( Your post hits home because I'm about to initiate divorce against an abusive AH who doesn't leave marks. Not sure how my state will deal with that. Godspeed in your recovery and I wish happiness and peace for your family.
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Old 04-23-2014, 09:31 PM
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Sorry your divorce (and ex) are hell. My AXH is a narcissist too, and my state likewise doesn't protect kids from alcoholic abusers unless and until the kids are maimed.

It is good to be out and away from the daily abuse, but it is gut wrenching to leave a child with an unpredictable, mood-swinging drunk. My ex drunk-drove my child recently. It is completely predictable that he would do so, despite a prohibition against him drinking before or during visitation. It is predictable that Bad Things Will Happen at some point down the line with our young child. I wish state legislatures and courts would take a hard look at the progressive nature of alcoholism and its effect on the brain and moral judgment and pass and enforce laws to actually protect kids.
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Old 04-24-2014, 05:24 AM
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That's my biggest fear - is my ABF getting more custody than need be.

Good luck, and just be glad your kids have you!
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Old 04-24-2014, 07:09 PM
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Getting Over It
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I feel sorry for you who are facing divorce and who's significant others are still drinking. My ex is not, thankfully. I really believed that him quitting would solve all of the issues. It did not. Deep down, and sometimes on the surface, he is just an ass. A self righteous, mean, hateful ass. He recently married a like-minded woman. Good luck to them.

Anyway, a while back, I felt blasted on here for not picking my kids up and leaving when the ex was physically abusive to my middle son. I completely understand why people were so upset with me, but... He left no marks. The State Attorney dropped the case. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, not "really" physically, in the eyes of the law. He would've had 50/50 custody of the 3 kids and I would not have been able to protect them 50% of the time. In this state, the kids wanting to be with one parent more, really has no bearing. You must prove the majority of 20 specific points that they are better off with you and even then, it is up to the judge. That's a gamble I wasn't ready to take. Instead, we stayed. I protected them the best I could. My oldest graduated high school and enlisted in the military and then my prayers were answered. He found someone new. The divorce process began, he tried coming back, but I did not even entertain the thought. This was our new beginning. My 2 other sons were a bit older and could stand up for themselves. It was rough and my anxiety went through the roof due to PTSD from the abuse. My faith in God got me through and I am now a stronger woman than ever before. The kids are happy and my house is a peaceful place. I have a wonderful man in my life whom my sons adore. He is respectful, kind, caring and gentle...

My point is, only YOU know what is best for your situation. Pray for direction and hang in there. I found the light at the end of the tunnel and you will too.
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