sponsor trouble
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 46
sponsor trouble
I just started aa 12 days ago. Everyone kept saying "you need a sponsor" to work the program. I felt kind of pressured to get a sponsor so i asked a woman who's been friendly to me but we don't really know each other, nor have we talked much. So i asked her to be my sponsor tonight over text and she said yes as long as her sponsor okays it. Now I'm wishing i didn't ask her just because she was the only person to reach out to me outside of aa. Also there's an issue no one knows in my aa group. Im gay so I'm worried if i become dependant on this woman to guide me through sobriety i could end up liking her more than I should...i already find her fascinating and interesting. What should i do? Am i allowed to get a male sponsor? I'm so confused about life right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
It sounds like you are so caught up with thinking you need to find a sponsor that you have forgotten that your main goal is to stop drinking forever. As you learn about what is happening in your brain and why you became an alcoholic, you will gain the power to stop. Work on that first, then if you think you need a "sponsor", you can look into it. Do whatever works for you and don't listen to people who want to force you to do it their way.
As far as being gay and already liking this woman, it sure sounds like you already know the answer to that one. She is not gay, I take it?
As far as being gay and already liking this woman, it sure sounds like you already know the answer to that one. She is not gay, I take it?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Pick a sponsor you don't find attractive. I can see that your feelings are already getting in the way. There is no rule that you can't have a male sponsor; the same sex thing is a tradition, but it has merit IMO.
Are there LGBT AA meetings in your area?
Are there LGBT AA meetings in your area?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 46
No i don't think she is. I'm probably just causing more problems in my life to distract myself from thinking about drinking...but then out only makes it worse. Gosh. I hate my brain.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by FeenixxRising 
Pick a sponsor you don't find attractive. I can see that your feelings are already getting in the way. There is no rule that you can't have a male sponsor; the same sex thing is a tradition, but it has merit IMO.
Are there LGBT AA meetings in your area?
Are there LGBT AA meetings in your area?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by kellygurl1711
There are some yes. I haven't gone yet though but i think it'll be good if i do. I'm not obviously lesbian. No one would know unless i told them i think... what am i supposed to say to this woman i already asked to be my sponsor? :/ "sorry, i changed my mind because i think i like you." *Sigh* there i go making a mess of thingsin my head again.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you dont have to explain your decision to look for another sponsor. could be as simple as," thank you for saying you would be my sponsor, but I feel I need to look for someone else."
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am straight and if I was in her situation and a someone told me I would be cool with it and I would introduce her to some of my friends who have worked the steps and are willing to sponsor so she can hopefully find someone to get her started with the steps.
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
"sorry, i changed my mind because i think i like you."
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Originally Posted by kellygurl1711
*Sigh* there i go making a mess of thingsin my head again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 46
I'm having a huge pity party for myself right now. Gahhhh! I just feel like I'm going to explode!! Too. Many. Feelings. I'm overwhelmed with sobriety and everything it entails. Life was simpler before yet also completely out of control. Now it's just the same except I'm sober and feel healthier. Maybe I'm making to many changes too fast? I changed my sleep patterns[i now wake up at 7am instead of 2pm] i changed my eating habits, i exercise for at last 30mins a day now. Ask of these things have changed in the past 12 days. And now I'm venting on the internet. I feel like crying even tho most off these changes are good ones.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by kellygurl1711
There are some yes. I haven't gone yet though but i think it'll be good if i do. I'm not obviously lesbian. No one would know unless i told them i think... what am i supposed to say to this woman i already asked to be my sponsor? :/ "sorry, i changed my mind because i think i like you." *Sigh* there i go making a mess of thingsin my head again.
You would have your grandsponsor dictating everything to your sponsor for every little thing. A once removed sponsor.
You don't need a sponsor. Just get comfortable with the program. When you are ready to start working the steps and feel like getting assistance, then kindly ask someone to be your sponsor. Tell this lady that you changed your mind and want some more time to sort it out. If she has hurt feelings or any angst about it, then she is not fit to be a sponsor anyway.
As for your other hurdle. It is probably best to go with a male sponsor who gets it, if and when you determine the REAL need for a sponsor. Avoid the macho man type, he may try to 'convert' you. Or, as was mentioned, try to find a LGBT group. You'll get a lot more understanding help. There are still a lot of 'old school' thinkers in AA. Just my opinion of course.
I fired my sponsor a couple weeks ago. Actually, I relieved him of his duties.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
It's normal to be all over the place emotionally in early sobriety. Keep on with the good work and things will start to level out and before you know it, being sober will be a normal state for you instead of that unknown scary thing.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by LBrain
Aaaaaaaaggghhhhhhhh! Another sponsor issue. My thought is this. If someone NEEDS permission from someone else to be your sponsor, then for me that person cannot possibly help me with anything. You would end up being a grandsponsee - I just made that up thank you.
You would have your grandsponsor dictating everything to your sponsor for every little thing. A once removed sponsor.
You don't need a sponsor. Just get comfortable with the program. When you are ready to start working the steps and feel like getting assistance, then kindly ask someone to be your sponsor. Tell this lady that you changed your mind and want some more time to sort it out. If she has hurt feelings or any angst about it, then she is not fit to be a sponsor anyway.
As for your other hurdle. It is probably best to go with a male sponsor who gets it, if and when you determine the REAL need for a sponsor. Avoid the macho man type, he may try to 'convert' you. Or, as was mentioned, try to find a LGBT group. You'll get a lot more understanding help. There are still a lot of 'old school' thinkers in AA. Just my opinion of course.
I fired my sponsor a couple weeks ago. Actually, I relieved him of his duties.
You would have your grandsponsor dictating everything to your sponsor for every little thing. A once removed sponsor.
You don't need a sponsor. Just get comfortable with the program. When you are ready to start working the steps and feel like getting assistance, then kindly ask someone to be your sponsor. Tell this lady that you changed your mind and want some more time to sort it out. If she has hurt feelings or any angst about it, then she is not fit to be a sponsor anyway.
As for your other hurdle. It is probably best to go with a male sponsor who gets it, if and when you determine the REAL need for a sponsor. Avoid the macho man type, he may try to 'convert' you. Or, as was mentioned, try to find a LGBT group. You'll get a lot more understanding help. There are still a lot of 'old school' thinkers in AA. Just my opinion of course.
I fired my sponsor a couple weeks ago. Actually, I relieved him of his duties.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by kellygurl1711
Life was simpler before yet also completely out of control.
IMO, no it wasn't simpler. it may be that ya perceive it that way because instead of facing realty and the problems in your life you were drowning them. now yer facing them
as said by others. take it easy on yourself!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
I'm bi and I totally understand that concern of being attracted to a same-sex sponsor.
It's okay to tell the person that you changed your mind and want to wait a while before choosing a sponsor. Or perhaps that you would prefer to have her as a friend and not a sponsor.
I also felt that pressure to get a sponsor quickly. I waited a while and I found someone who is a good fit for me. (I'm still unsure about AA but I do like my sponsor a lot.)
LGBTQ meetings are great- if they are near you.
It's okay to tell the person that you changed your mind and want to wait a while before choosing a sponsor. Or perhaps that you would prefer to have her as a friend and not a sponsor.
I also felt that pressure to get a sponsor quickly. I waited a while and I found someone who is a good fit for me. (I'm still unsure about AA but I do like my sponsor a lot.)
LGBTQ meetings are great- if they are near you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Yikes, You've made a lot of changes quickly. I am impressed, especially eating healthier and exercising. I'm still working on that.
Things will calm down as you get used to the changes. Sobriety makes everything easier in my opinion, even though emotions might come up since you are not suppressing them anymore. But you can learn healthy ways to cope and work through feelings.
Things will calm down as you get used to the changes. Sobriety makes everything easier in my opinion, even though emotions might come up since you are not suppressing them anymore. But you can learn healthy ways to cope and work through feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by oak
Yikes, You've made a lot of changes quickly. I am impressed, especially eating healthier and exercising. I'm still working on that.
Things will calm down as you get used to the changes. Sobriety makes everything easier in my opinion, even though emotions might come up since you are not suppressing them anymore. But you can learn healthy ways to cope and work through feelings.
Things will calm down as you get used to the changes. Sobriety makes everything easier in my opinion, even though emotions might come up since you are not suppressing them anymore. But you can learn healthy ways to cope and work through feelings.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Originally Posted by kellygurl1711
And now I'm venting on the internet. I feel like crying even tho most off these changes are good ones.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hey Kellygurl, I've been wondering similar questions myself, although less so from the point of view of potential confounds due to personal attraction, more thinking what kind of person might be the best for me for a sponsor-sponsee relationship as a guide through the step work. Does gender matter at all? There are already other threads about similar questions here, I also discussed it a bit in one of mine.
I am bi, but it's all much more complicated in my mind about preferences, trust, and especially when it comes to authority (and commitment). Have only started going to AA ~2 weeks ago and been only to 5 meetings so far. All of them different meetings, an LGBT included (highly recommended if you can find one!). They are all interesting in their specific ways. I feel that I want to explore more before choosing a sponsor (if that happens at all). This is all new to me - I actually never thought I would try AA until about 3-4 weeks ago. ~3 months sober now.
My suggestion, if you can take one from an AA newbie, is to decide whether you need a sponsor right away in order to help maintain your sobriety. If you do, it's probably a good idea to find one soon and you can potentially change later as the relationship and your work progresses. If staying quit is not as difficult for you at this time but you would like more time and confidence for deciding about a sponsor, then maybe keep going to meetings for a while, interact with people, get into the literature, and you'll see more.
In my case, knowing myself, I don't really worry about all this possible attraction business... long story, but I trust myself regarding dissociating different types of interests and dealing with them in sensible ways based on main goal of the relationship. I'm also not afraid of developing things in unusual ways if that's really positive and appropriate for the situation. This is why I don't feel my gender choice as a concern this way - it's more an issue in the context of what might be the best combo for the 12 step work for me. In my case I make this focused on the actual program and would ideally like to find a guide who has done all the steps and is insightful about details of the work.
So, if you are not desperate for a sponsor right now, don't worry about external pressure and judge this for yourself. But if you feel your sobriety is at stake, that's a different question and probably requires a different course of consideration and action.
I agree with what the others said above: if you are not confident about working with this lady, it's much easier to change it now. She really should not take this personally.
Also, please feel free to PM me in case you would like to discuss more.
I am bi, but it's all much more complicated in my mind about preferences, trust, and especially when it comes to authority (and commitment). Have only started going to AA ~2 weeks ago and been only to 5 meetings so far. All of them different meetings, an LGBT included (highly recommended if you can find one!). They are all interesting in their specific ways. I feel that I want to explore more before choosing a sponsor (if that happens at all). This is all new to me - I actually never thought I would try AA until about 3-4 weeks ago. ~3 months sober now.
My suggestion, if you can take one from an AA newbie, is to decide whether you need a sponsor right away in order to help maintain your sobriety. If you do, it's probably a good idea to find one soon and you can potentially change later as the relationship and your work progresses. If staying quit is not as difficult for you at this time but you would like more time and confidence for deciding about a sponsor, then maybe keep going to meetings for a while, interact with people, get into the literature, and you'll see more.
In my case, knowing myself, I don't really worry about all this possible attraction business... long story, but I trust myself regarding dissociating different types of interests and dealing with them in sensible ways based on main goal of the relationship. I'm also not afraid of developing things in unusual ways if that's really positive and appropriate for the situation. This is why I don't feel my gender choice as a concern this way - it's more an issue in the context of what might be the best combo for the 12 step work for me. In my case I make this focused on the actual program and would ideally like to find a guide who has done all the steps and is insightful about details of the work.
So, if you are not desperate for a sponsor right now, don't worry about external pressure and judge this for yourself. But if you feel your sobriety is at stake, that's a different question and probably requires a different course of consideration and action.
I agree with what the others said above: if you are not confident about working with this lady, it's much easier to change it now. She really should not take this personally.
Also, please feel free to PM me in case you would like to discuss more.
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