Tia1991

I have never posted in a forum before, I am not sure what I'm searching for advice, answers or maybe just to feel like someone has listened. To give some background I was raised by a single alcoholic father who was verbally abusive. Once I left his home at 15 years old I found myself in a relationship completely oblivious that it was with a 19 year old with a drinking problem.

Fast forward to know I am still in that same relationship with a 6 month old baby. I've always made excuses or denied how bad my partners drinking is. Shortly after i gave birth my partner started going out on binges only to return home days later while I was left alone with our newborn I found out shortly after that he was sleeping with my bestfriend.

After this he promised he would stop drinking, drink at home instead, drink less, stop stealing my money, stop screaming at me around the baby, many many promises the logical part of me understands that they are empty promises.


I know that I am co dependent on him, I don't have much family the father that raised me is now 7 hours away. I feel alone and helpless, I am on maternity leave and only have enough money to pay my rent with a bit extra for food, he steals my money so Ichanged my bank info.. He started threatening to break my phone if i didn't give him money. He lies and says the money is for something else but I fall for his lies all of the time, once isee that he has gone out drinking I feel like an idiot and worhtless for believing his lies.

He has no job, no where else to live I pay the rent fully but he is on the lease. I have asked for him to move out but he wont and guilt trips me saying he has no where to go and would be homeless. I have asked him to atleast not come home drunk but he comes home at 4am sometimes as early as 7am and wakes the baby up.

If i locked the doors he rings the door bell over and over waking the baby up or scaring him. He will text me and threaten to break into the windows I juts want to keep my baby safe

I dont even know if i can call the police in this situation? Since he has a right to be here he is on the lease and I cannot prove that he does not pay the rent.

I don't have enough money to leave my apartment and Idon't have family members to help me I am at a loss most the time I feel like giving up and accepting the verbal abuse , the lies and the stealing, I love him so much and anytime i feel i want to leave him he convinces me he will change or needs my help.

I am sorry if my thoughts are not very organized, I am emotional and and so torn down. I don't know what my rights are, my options and even if I did I don't feel strong enough to go through with them.

If you are going to tell me I shouldn't have had a baby with him please refrain that is not helpful to me. All I've ever known was living with an alcoholic I don't know why I let myself be with one after i finally escaped my fathers home.

He is only 25 can he change? He doesn't have anyone else that to help him or guide him but me.

Thanks to anyone who reads.

Florence

I don't have any advice specific to your situation, but I will say a few things:
1) Nobody here judges single parents at all. You have plenty of company here -- so many of us are parents who find ourselves in over our heads in bad relationships. I came to the board when I was pregnant, myself.
2) He is abusing you. His control of your money and your emotions is unfair and wrong. This is abuse.
3) Yes, you can and should call the police -- I'm surprised a neighbor hasn't done it yet. If you're scared, he's drunk and threatening you, call the cops. It's against the law AND it's domestic violence.
4) He has nowhere to go and will be homeless if not for you? He has no one else in his life? He sure doesn't act like it. He's grown and responsible for himself, including his housing, drug and alcohol intake, and whether or not he abuses his child and child's mother. You're incapable of fixing his life for him, so don't bother trying. The only things here that you can control are you, your choices, your behavior, and (some of) your circumstances.
5) You absolutely do deserve better than this and you and your child are entitled to a safe and happy home. Anyone who jeopardizes that should be shown the door.
6) There is absolutely no shame at all in calling a domestic abuse hotline for information about how to handle this and to apply for social services. YOUR situation is EXACTLY what these services are designed to help with. If you need help paying for food, gas, counseling, medical, and rent, money is out there. You and your baby do not have to be tethered to this guy to live.

This is a long road to travel and it isn't always easy, but at the end is a lot of clarity and happiness. Stick around, vent, and ask questions. There are a lot of folks here with lots of experience. Also check out the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" board. Read the stickies at the top of the (web) forum (you can't see them on your phone, I don't think). And welcome. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Tia1991

Thanks so much for your kind response. I think I learned early on in childhood to feel ashamed of myself and any situations I have been in.

I guess one of my fears regarding the police is, I did call them once before , before I was pregnant when he was very drunk and chocked me, they put him in the drunk tank and let him out the next morning at 7am which only made him more angry.

Maybe they would be more helpful knowing a baby is involved.
Thanks again for responding.

biminiblue

^^ I agree with everything Florence said.

We understand and there is a way out. It's not easy. Call for help. Start making a plan. He won't get better. You and your baby deserve better.

The police will always let him back out - but they have resources and phone numbers and you can disappear when they lock him up for 24hours.
(eHug)

Croissant

I am not certain where you live, but you should look for a women's crisis service or domestic violence service in your area.

Please don't be scared to do this, or think it sounds extreme....you will find people there who deal with these delicate matters all the time and who will not force you to do anything and will not judge you, but will provide info and links to support.

You are well within your rights to call the police, but I'd call one of the above agencies first so you can find out more and get support.

Blossom717

I don't think anyone will judge you here. You are not alone. My ABF and I have a toddler together and it is tough.

You CAN call the police. If he is yelling, threatening, scaring the baby, call them. It will document his behavior if nothing else. Maybe you could get a temporary restraining order as well.

His housing is his problem. Where does he go when he doesn't come home at night? I would tell him to go live there.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! keep reading the stuff on here. Its helped me a lot. I grew up with an addict father and I seem to keep repeating history by dating ABFs. This and maybe an alanon group can help you!

Good luck!

Tia1991

Thank you everyone for your replies..

I guess part of me knows these options but i keep finding excuses not to go through with them and I am fearful, and once he is sober for a day or two I cling to those days where we are a " family"

I don't know how or why I still fall for lies the same ones over and over again, I really would like to break the cycle I don't want my son to see this kind of turmoil and be affected by alcoholism like I have.

I live in a very small town, there's a womens crisis center a few towns away but it is completely full. I was getting evicted because he stole some of my rent money, i convinced my landlord to let me stay she did mention that the neighbor hears yelling in the middle of the night or early morning and that it needs to stop because he is a good tenant and she doesn't want to loose him.

I just feel so guilty even just writing all of this, feels like I am betraying him everytime I am angry and want to call the police when he is out drinking with other women by the time he comes home I just am so tired and unlock the door and let him sleep here and don't go through any plan I have made.

I wish I could just convince him to leave instead of going this route, I beg and plead but he just comes back everytime.

I feel so angry at myself that I want his affection and want him to stay home instead of going out so badly even after he calls me names, steals from me and lies I just don't know why I'm not strong enough to do what should be done, it really does make me feel like a bad mother.

hopeful4

Eventually you have to come to grips that he is not the "family" man you want. For your son to see this sort of thing is very toxic to him. You deserve so much more. Get on the waiting list for the center. In the mean time, make lists of the things you can do for YOU and your son. Prepare yourself in every way you can. Begging and pleading will get you nowhere.

Good Luck and God Bless!

dandylion

Tia--don't forget that you can call the hotlines to just talk to an understanding person when you are scared or confused or feel hopeless. I encourage you to get on the list for the local shelter, also. There may be other sources of help that you do not know about.

dandylion

Pia

Tia1991- I am sorry you are in this situation but please feel free to express yourself here. No one is judging there is so much support you can feel it here. When I first came I didn't know if I was coming or going half the time in my head. But SR always helped redirect my way of thinking.

I will tell you about my AH. He was raised with family on both sides with active alcoholism.
Although his mother actually works for a child guidance center for kids and always talked to her children about drug/alcoholism she still raised her children in the environment and did nothing to stop it. Now I can see how disturbed my AH is and in my opinion he never had a chance. To me actions speak louder than words and although his momma might of taught the kids the effects and they saw the effects but she still allowed it to happen and the girls self esteem is very low and the boys are all drug addicts and alcoholics with little to no respect for women.
Please take care of yourself and your little one. This is just food for thought.

SparkleKitty

Hi Tia. I too was raised with an alcoholic parent. I even had a codependent parent to model my behavior on. For many years, I used the same behaviors and tactics I learned during my childhood in my adult relationships, only to find they didn't have any place there, and made things a lot more difficult for me.

As a child, I learned to put other people's needs and moods before my own.

As a child, I learned that everything was my fault, and if I only could do better, then everything would be okay.

As a child, I learned to stuff my feelings down because they made other people angry or uncomfortable.

As a child, I learned to think of myself as someone who did not deserve love, or respect, or gentleness. I learned to diminish myself before others could do it. I learned to settle for what I could get, never even daring to dream that there was something better out there for me.

As an adult, I followed the same rules and got hurt a lot. I also hurt other people who dared to be nice to me, or to love me, because I was so sure I didn't deserve it.

As an adult, I took responsibility for my issues and decided to get help.

As an adult, I learned that everyone, including myself, is worthy of love, respect, and decency. But until we learn to treat ourselves with those qualities, no one else will.

I hope you will reach out to the DV Hotlines. Your situation is unacceptable, and yet I know how it feels to be there -- it IS easier to accept the unacceptable than risk change, but easier is almost never better. I am rooting for you to break the cycle you grew up in with your own child.

When you start focusing on yourself and your baby, things might get harder with your boyfriend. Safety is a concern, but the DV people can help you with that, and they will never ever judge you. We are all rooting for you here.

Thinking

Oh Tia, I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this. You have found a good place for help though. The support I have got here has been wonderful and helped me so much.

A couple of things struck me. You don't have much money but your bf has none and he takes some of yours. So without him your little bit of money would at least be all yours.

There's nothing wrong with being a loving person who tried to build a family with someone you love. The issues with your little family don't come from your sweet baby.

I had an alcoholic father too. It's hard and it does give you a wrong sense of normality. I have found reading the information in the stickies and other people's stories here has helped me a lot. I think I am starting to get a better sense of what a normal loving relationship should be. I hope that you will find the same.

The most important thing is that you and your little one are safe. Property can be replaced so prioritise finding a safe and calm place above all else. You have been given excellent advice already. We are here whenever you need us.

lillamy

You have come to the right place with these thoughts and worries. Many, many of us have been in a situation similar to yours. You believe the lies because you so badly want the dream of the perfect little family to be true.

But you are also wise enough to know just how much growing up with an alcoholic parent has harmed you, and you want better for your son. And you can have that.

It's difficult to make the decision to seek help -- whether from a women's shelter or the police. You feel like you're betraying your partner. What helped me was to focus less on him and more on my children. Like you, I wasn't sure I was worth better than what I had being married to an A. But you know that your son is worth better. It took me a very long time to see that -- that my children were hurting. And deserved better.

You know what you want and you know where you're going. You're just looking for something -- strength? permission? -- to do it. You don't need to keep looking because you have everything you need within you.

ladyscribbler

Your landlady might be able to help you with this. I don't think she was saying that to threaten you, I think she is concerned. Could you talk to her about drawing you up a new lease without your bf's name on it and legally evict him? Tell her you are dumping him so you need a new lease without his name on it. If he won't leave the sheriff will give him an escort out the door.
I also grew up with an alcoholic father and was involved with an abusive alcoholic with whom I have a son. I moved out eight months ago and have completely rebuilt my life for myself and my boys. Hugs and welcome.

Florence

To add to what ladyscribbler says, the only way I got my STBXAH to leave for good was to change the locks on the doors.

ladyscribbler

Or maybe even a different unit in the same building.

chicory

I also grew up with alcoholic parents. I settled for relationships that healthy people would not put up with, but I was so used to unacceptable behavior, that I was always confused, wondering what was my fault, or what was theirs.

any parent who can frighten their child, is a selfish person who needs a good lesson. They do not deserve to live around that child. and you must feel a tremendous amount of pressure, trying to keep your child from being frightened and awoke in the middle of the night.

You have gotten some very good advice. Trust your heart... you know this is not you, but him and his drinking. He will need a big wake up call if he is ever going to change. and he needs to know that you and your baby will not be there to be treated badly by him, although you will probably have to keep your plans to yourself, in order to be safe.

I do hope you talk to a domestic violence group. they will not betray your information. get some advice, and somewhere to go if you need to for safety. Please don't feel you are betraying him, in calling the police. you were protecting your baby and yourself. that is what a normal person would do. He is trying to control you , with all these things. You will feel so much stronger and happier when you find that you can make it on your own, without the constant fear. an occasional happy day is not enough to build a healthy life for your baby and for you.

hugs
chicory