KeepinItReal

If he doesn't finish the program - I feel like he's giving up. I feel like it's not important to him to change - to really quit his addiction.
I know that I cannot compete with heroin. I know that will always be his first love and find myself jealous. Jealous that something can come between us. Me wanting to believe that our love was different. It's not. It's just plain love and marriage and kids and the typical high-school first real love marriage that is on the rocks. Why?
I have thought a lot about divorce. About living by myself and being a single mom forever. Not sharing this life with a partner. Not having anyone to share with or enjoy "our" kids together. I think that I have made a bad choices - especially in who I love because I myself was a mixed up and messed up mess. I didn't come to drugs when I met him.. I was using way before he came into the picture and was glad to find someone just as messed up as me. It was comforting I wasn't such a lunatic or idiot by myself. The drugs blurring rational thoughts/thinking.
That all changed when my dad died and in reality it sunk in that this life was a gift... and I was wasting it. However, for my partner... he didn't get it. He didn't get his epiphany.. he just went deeper and deeper... and our normal became unacceptable. He didn't change - I did. I wanted happiness, purity, peace. He wanted more drugs.
Then he didn't. Then he claimed he wanted peace and happiness... and everything I had. That I had worked for. I accepted it wasn't going to be easy and suffered alone. I walked through my pain. I started thinking more rational and apologizing and praying. I started to forgive myself and love myself. Now, I am here. 5 years later... with 2 kids and a husband in a program because he's a psycho-IV-heroin user. Because he loves and loved heroin more than me or his kids or even his own life.
I hate him. I hate him for loving him so much. I don't think any normal person would understand that.
So - I get a call today from a pay-phone. He tells me that he got put on indefinite (30 days no contact with family) Why?? well... on his pass that he did get granted on Easter - he smoked cigerettes all day.. and then tried every excuse to not go back to the program. I stayed strong and told him I had made my decision. He could not come home unless he finished. I stated the same thing on the phone today. However, if he does leave... then what? I have to face the pain that his addiction is never going to be better. I can never trust my husband again? It's just difficult, sad... and lonely.
I just feel so stupid and alone. How can I possibly get through this? I don't know.. but do I really have another option if I want true happiness and peace. No, I don't.

chicory

Your heartache is palpable. I'm sorry, this must be so hard.

suki44883

Thirty days with no contact at all with him could be the best thing for you right now. You need to clear your head and decide what you really want. Even if he does complete the program, there is no guarantee that he won't go back to heroin or some other addictive substance. His "program" should be life-long. Every day for the rest of his life. To be completely honest, most people can't do it. Most do go back to addiction.

This is something you need to think long and hard about. You have children who deserve to live in an addiction free home. Put their own well-being and yours above his. They need you. He does not.

LoveMeNow

Yes, it hurts and it hard but it is gets easier with time.

What really helped me was defining what LOVE meant to me. Trustworthy, honest, dependable, compassionate, unselfish, respectable, maturity and our faith. And how many of those qualities did my STBXAH possess today!! Not yesterday and not tomorrow but today. Keeping my focus on that was very eye opening. Realizing and understanding that our core values were no longer compatible was the beginning of the end. I have no regrets in deciding to end my marriage now.

KeepinItReal

What do I want? I want someone to help me pay the bills and support my kids!! It's really not funny. It's difficult and stressful and lonely.
I'm not sure that I will get that.
I also believe that my kids should live in an addiction free home. Last summer he stole our daughters Ipad for his drugs. He sold his car because I wouldn't give him his keys because of how messed up he was.
I agree I need to protect myself.
I was going to give him another chance (ANOTHER) after he completed the program but unless he completes it.... i'm not willing to give him that chance. I don't know if he really believes that... but it's the truth. I must protect myself and my kids. He's not physically abusive... but his addiction has made him severely financially abusive and i'm not willing to get burned again.. not so soon.

KeepinItReal

LoveMeNow - I look at the way love is described in the bible. The famous 1 Corinthians 13 verse that is read at many weddings.
I believe that verse is for both parties, husband and wife.. it shouldn't be one sided. So, if love is not self-seeking and obviously addiction is all about self-seeking then who didn't love who?? My husband can never love me the way my faith describes if he is a using addict. Period. It's horrible. Pity party for 1.

LoveMeNow

He is just a man. He is replaceable unlike a child. If those little voices are saying anything negative right now....tell them to be quiet because they are not true. Keep working you on you because healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick.

hopeful4

You know what KIR...you deserve so much more and so do your kids. He has been whining around about this program for a while now. Tough.

In all reality, with the attitude he has taken, his chance of relapse is very high. He has not committed and is bitter towards the program that is there to help him.

I am not trying to be harsh. I just want you to prepare b/c you don't deserve this nor do your kids. You CAN do it. So there might be changes. So there may not be someone who takes care of you. Turn it over to God, he will take care of you. Those children deserve someone to advocate for them. Turn that focus on them and their wellbeing.

I truly would never try to hurt your feelings, I just know you deserve so much more than this.

XXX

Ann

You do deserve better and so do your children. It's up to you whether to let him come home or not, now or after program, but it should be a decision that feels right for you and a good one for both you and your children.

I hope things work out for the good, I hope you can keep your balance no matter how they unfold.

Hugs

glitterdeva

As I am reading this, its like I am reading my own story, only minus the high school sweethearts (we met much later...). I feel exactly the same - its like no matter what they do, inside yourself you, well, at least I, know that I still love him and that, am I ready to completely shut the door? AH lives at home and I feel lonely. I feel horrible and think about - I WISH I could just die and my kids won't suffer. If it was possible like that, I would die, really, because living this way is pure hell. Difficult, sad, lonely, anxious, depressed, paranoid and now, hell, suicidal. Yep. I won't do it, I know that my girls will endure so much pain, that I rather suffer through this.

Everyone says that when you are ready you are ready. I am ready, I mean I cannot live like that and now what? Then the process starts and I am weak, I start drinking, I fall apart and he is back. Its a vicious cycle. It's hell.

I don't have any advise. Only I am in the same boat and if it helps at all, I am sending you all the love, positive vibes (whatever is left ) and prayers your way. I pray that you find peace. And we all find peace.

BlueChair

No answer I can give, but Thinking of You ((KeepinItReal))

KeepinItReal

Well the good news in all of this is I haven't fallen apart. I'm functioning - taking care of the kids - activities - personal goals - working and thinking about how I can make more money without him.
This is the first time - ever - that I can think about my future without him - and feel like i'm going to be okay.
I feel like so many of you are right - and feel that the husband I chose is not taking the program in as much as he should. He himself has said (more than once) that he can finish the whole program and relapse the next day. This was part of his argument why he should just be able to come home now... LOL (not funny, but have to laugh at the insanity). I also think this may be his own fear of his own addiction and how strong it is. That no matter how much he has wanted, tried and fought to stay sober it has never worked. I think sometimes he is jealous that I can be really free. He cannot.
I pity him but not enough to keep setting myself up for failure. I think that not allowing him home if he doesn't finish the program is the most loving thing I can do for him. Like LoveMeNow posted... addiction has to hurt.
I guess i'm just venting that it's frustrating and he continues to be the biggest problem in my life.
Maybe he will stay - maybe he won't. It's not my choice - but it does affect my choices.
Standing firm. Strong love.

incitingsilence

But does him staying or leaving the program really effect your choice?

I never know if it makes a difference what they do. I don’t know if there is a guarantee either way that the choice he makes will somehow doom him or save him. I do know though that we can drive ourselves crazy stuck in assigning what is good or bad for another, forgetting that if we are that conflicted then maybe it is time to look at what we should, just what we want and need … that never really has to do with anything they are or aren’t doing.

I have a suggestion, since now it seems as if he can‘t call. Which may be good for both of you, not just him. If you don’t want him home now and haven’t changed the locks yet I would do so, just so you aren’t caught unaware.

Take care of you.

hopeful4

I always made these little deals in my head. If he takes another drink, I am done. If he drinks and drives, I am done. If he does this, does not do that, on and on it went. When he pushed me physically in his drunkenness is when I finally snapped. However, I look at all the years (and it's a lot of years) that I spent making these deals in my head. I have lost so many years of what could have been happiness in my life.

What I should have been saying is that this is not making me happy. This is not a marriage. This is not even a partnership, so I am done. I cannot change the past but I do feel sorrow that I robbed myself of those years, because all that time I could have walked away and instead kept myself and my kids in an environment of anxiety and anger.

Keep taking good care of YOU and your children. You don't need some big reasons, just know that you need to analyze your own wants and feelings and make decisions based on those.

God Bless. Hugs.

KeepinItReal

incitingsilence - Not only does he not have a key, he is not on the lease. I moved after his last binge which devastated me. I also moved to an apt. complex that is an upstairs apartment so climbing in windows isn't an option!
I have fully protected myself legally and financially from him. The only thing is we are still married. We do share two kids that love and adore him. We have never had any custody disputes nor gone through the courts. We have always been able to work things out.. even through separation a few years ago.
I am fully aware that no matter what choice he makes - there will always be a risk. There will always be the possibility of full relapse. This is why i'm being so careful with another chance. This is why i'm just not letting him walk back into the house after 4 months of a program.
I don't have to decide today if i'm going to let or want him home after the 14months. But - to me - completing that 14 months is a good sign that he is dedicated to sobriety. Not a guarantee. Still a risk. How many chances??? If he makes it further along in the process then marriage counseling will be necessary.
I am honestly relieved I don't have to see him or talk to him for 30 days. Def. good for me. He stresses me out.

Lily1918

KIR

from my RA perspective... I just wanna throw this out there...
sometimes... an addicted brain will say...
" If I complete the program then I can keep my family" but it's a trick. We complete the program and use the tools in the program to enable ourselves. We keep ourselves afloat longer. Our families believe we are in recovery because we learn how to quack better in treatment...

does that make sense?

KeepinItReal

Yes - it makes sense. It angered me - which means it was probably something I needed to read/hear.
I'm assuming it means treatment helps the addict manipulate family better??
I have smartened up over the years - however - I do believe that the only reason he is doing this is because he doesn't want to lose his family and because he knows the damage he has done. He knows that me leaving and not taking him back is rational. Selling a car for drugs .... the kids Ipad???
He stepped way over any boundary that I would have thought up.
I'm angry.

Lily1918

oh I'm sorry to anger you!

it's just that when D was in the Salvation Army... He talked soooo much recovery! We went to meetings together while we were both using... we quacked to our families... paid our own bills... He even had his PO believing him until he got arrested. I've posted on here before "in recovery" when I wasn't... no one ever called me out but I'm sure that the veterans knew...

(sigh) I guess I was trying to say that treatment makes us better! Better people, or better addicts.

do you like Star Wars? Imagine the force... Anikin trained as a Jedi... and used those skills to become vader. Luke also was trained as a Jedi, but he chose the right way...

openmind121

We forgive for things that we should of never even though about forgiving .. Bc we love them and need them to snap back for the family step up and do something with out us having to tell them .. Our madness never ends because they are not sensitive to our feelings and the mature choices and suggestions that we present .. I will always look for some sort of sneak attack at his mind to get the light bulb to go on and say wait a minute I gotta cut this crap out now .

I see death I am a nurse I see bad things happen to good people,Horrible accidents and shorten lives just due to life itself .. I help people every way but I too can not help my own husband so I feel your pain .. I know the lonely feeling of being with your kids and not having the laughter of a family I know exactly all of what you say .. I hope you feel better and find your sanity ..

KeepinItReal

Lily - it's not your fault. It's just frustrating. All the feelings-emotions- that are linked to his betrayal of his family's well being. Like - how could you?!?!
It's scary -real - and not a movie. It's real life. I just hope I can get some clarity.

Thanks