itsmylifenow

A few weeks ago the xabf got a hotel room and slept with a "friend" of ours while out on a drunken bender.

We were technically broken up, but hadn't really made the break at that point.

I tried to change my perspective. This had nothing to do with me, these two had been flirting around for years and it was bound to happen, we were broken up - even though we were still hanging out.

I told myself I'd put it behind me in an effort to just move on. But, I need to be honest with myself that I'm not over it.

I'm f'in angry as all hell still. I'm doing my best to restrain myself. I want to react, and react some more. I want to call him out on his FB page. I want to call her all kinds of names. I hate the both of them for lying to me - her for telling me how she didn't' go after her friend's guys and him for telling me it was nothing more than a drunken make out at a bar.

I saw him this past week and when he came over to talk to me, I told him to not talk to me ever again and that making out in the bar and getting a room and having sex were two totally different things.

A friend of mine just said she'd heard a rumor about this recently. Oh brother.

I need to get this anger out without losing my cool around everyone. I want to shout it from the rooftops that the two of them were together. It's a "look what they did to me" victim thing I feel right now. It's the 'tired of everyone thinking I'm the whackjob' thing going on.

I just want to yell and scream at him and punch the living daylights out of him.

How do I get rid of this? I purposely tried not to react right away on this so I wouldn't look like an emotional crazy...but, as it's building up..it's going to really come out and I'm going to really look like one then.

They are both still on my FB even though I'm not following them so I can't see their posts unless I go to their pages. Should I just block them and remove them from my life altogether?

What do I do?

marie1960

What do i do?

Run the other way, let this one go, if you choose to hold on to all this crazy, crazy drama, it will leave you in a very dark place, you know you deserve better, now it's up to you, to get out there and make it happen.

He was and is your EX, this is no longer your issue/business.

I commend you for not lowering yourself to their level and posting a bunch of dirt on FB, keep it classy, friend, that way you won't have to own any regret!

Keep posting, get it all out, vent away, it does help.

Sungrl

My take, yes you block them and you remove them from your life forever, or at least right now. Forever is a long time. No need go there right now. Once you have gone no contact get your mind on something else all together. Easier said then done I know. Thing is, if you don't want to be the crazy then don't. Neither if them is worth your time and energy right now. He was and is your Ex. You have no say in what he does anymore. Not like you ever did, especially with an alcoholic. Get past this and consider yourself lucky,you aren't in the middle of the drama. A lot can be said for walking away with your pride and more importantly your dignity intact.

LifeRecovery

I think you are being really hard on yourself to expect yourself to be over this three weeks out.

This is a big deal, and to me it sounds like in many ways you have hit your bottom around people taking advantage of you.

I believe that in my instance the affair in my life happened so I could learn how to deal with "big" emotions. There are a lot of ways to do this, but chances are the people that harmed you this way are not going to be able to hear you or help you heal from this.

I spent a lot of time thinking that if I could just "make them understand," it would be okay.....that was an exercise in futility.

A book that helped me to understand what I was going though was After the Affair by Janis Abrahm Spring.

hopeful4

What a couple of creeps.

Yes, remove them in every single way from your life and move forward in happiness.

SparkleKitty

When I find myself feeling like a victim, that's when I load up the kickboxing workout. Amazing what wearing yourself out physically can do to your desire to rain down justice upon other peoples' heads.

It might be time to engage in literal No Contact with your X and anyone else he invites into his world. You don't need to be friends on FB, and you don't need updates from mutual acquaintances. The longer you stay mired in the news of the day, the longer it will take to bring the focus back to you.

amy55

itsmylifenow,

I want to tell you about something that happened to me. I don't know if it will make sense because it's a totally different situation, but I am hoping that it might help you to let go.

My ex had thrown a cup at me, cut me under my eye, I still have a scar from that. Well, he never apologized for that, had asked me to lie to our kids about it, (that I did it myself). I did this. Then he told me he was divorcing me. I didn't argue or say a word, I actually do think that he was fighting with himself in his own head at this point.

Then he said something to me that changed how I thought about things. He said, "Are you going to use this black eye to keep me attached to you"? imln, please read that question over and over again, then change it to ----- "Are you going to use this incident in the hotel room with our friend, to keep me attached to you?

I was hurt, I was very hurt. Then when I heard that, I looked at all the chances that I gave him, all the times that I took him back, and I asked myself ------- "Why?"

"Why, would I want someone like him in my life?"

ladyscribbler

From everything you've posted this guy was your ex in name only. You have continued to have a friends with benefits arrangement with him and based on your anger despite being "broken up" you are still very enmeshed and involved with him. End this non relationship relationship now. Block him on FB, block his texts and calls, do not contact him, even just to say hi. You can shut the door on this drama with your own choices. Post here if you feel like contacting him. Let Anvilhead or someone slap some virtual sense into you. This guy is not good for you and continued contact is keeping you unhealthy and preventing you from moving on with your own life.

Florence

Why would you want either of them?

Block them both on social media, so they can't see you and you can't see them. Decide whether or not having them understand how you feel will make you feel better -- and whether they're even capable of that. It sound like both of them are missing the empathy and ethics chip.

My sister says, A worm is a worm. This is how worms act. You don't like worms, don't hang with worms. It sound brutal, but it's so simple. People who behave like this don't deserve to be in your life. Think less about their rejection of you, and consider whether or not you're even interested in their friendship. I imagine not.

FireSprite

My thoughts are similar, while I can understand being upset it sounds like you were lying a bit to yourself about being OK with the breakup & still had expectations of a future relationship.

Not to sound harsh, but if you were technically broken up as you say, how is it any of your business what he does or who he does it with? Yes, these are definitely the actions of immature, disrespectful people but that doesn't change the fact that it's their business, not yours, kwim?

I would try to work through this without raging off or involving others or shouting your sense of victimization from the rooftops (I think you were kidding though, )... instead turn it inward & examine YOUR actions & intentions. Did you call it a breakup in words but not really feel it emotionally/have expectations? The last part of your post reads like you are pretty concerned about what others think & are maybe wanting validation from others that you were wronged, etc..... but again, step back. Why does it matter what THEY think? Who CARES if you look like a whacko if deep inside you know the truth & are working toward more positive goals?

You know that saying, the best revenge is living well? It's sooooo very true.... ignore, ignore, ignore... smile & hold your head high & let the chips fall where they may. When you look back in a few years it'll be obvious which of you was sane & which was perpetuating dysfunction. Drop both of them like hot potatoes & fill the space with healthier companions.

lillamy

Funny, that was exactly my thought: You get rid of the anger through a kickboxing class...

"Follow your feelings to their logical conclusion," my therapist liked to say to me. When I was angry at AXH, I would want to hurt him as much as he had hurt me, and if I followed that to its logical conclusion, I had to agree with the T that revenge really would do nothing to diminish my pain.

AnvilheadII

you don't get to choose how HE conducts HIS life. you don't control his drinking, you don't control his behavior, what he does, where he goes, or who he does whatever with. in reality, he did nothing "wrong" - he's your EX, you are not in a committed relationship, he isn't your possession.

you want this insanity to stop??? then STOP. be done. let go. get back to living your life, doing your thing, not wasting time following the messed up lives of others and then getting mad for how they do it.

itsmylifenow

Interesting thought. Of course, if I keep telling this story over and over, I am still enmeshed with him. And, still attached. Makes perfect sense. Thanks

Yes, I just blocked her today. I'm working up the strength to block him completely, although I am not following him so I can't see anything he posts. I admit there is that part of me that wants him to miss me. To wish he'd done something different. To be a better man....yes, yes, I know..he's an alcoholic...I get that. These are the dreams I had about him - about who I thought he was. Who I wanted him to be. And, as the reality of who he really is hits me, I move on a little bit more.

She definitely is missing some empathy. Huge chip on her shoulder there. Her first response to me was that she was not going to offer up any type of explanation or feel bad about what she did because as far as she knew they were two consenting, single adults just having drunken sex. It was nothing more than 'adult recreation' to her and apparently it wasn't even 'all that'. And, although we've known each other for a couple of years, since we are not 'best' friends, there is no loss here if I decide never to talk to her again.

I also agree that these are not the kind of people I want in my life. Sometimes we claim acquaintances as 'friends' just because...we do. Yet, I think we know who our real friends are and who we can count on. She definitely was not one of those.

Yes, I'd have to say this is true. Sometimes the emotions and reactions come first, and then these observations about your own intentions and thoughts come out afterwards. There was a part of me that did think we could possibly stay together. The reasons are too much to go into here, but he provided me with that little bit of security and comfort I have yet to find within myself.

I guess since we were still seeing each other - without the formal title - it indicated to me that we still cared about one another. And, I know I didn't want to be with anyone else. I hoped he would see that.

Anyways, I'll work on blocking him tonight and try to take my anger out in different ways until it's gone. I think once I really face why I feel this way, and what's behind it, the anger will go away. A part of that is towards myself for continuing on with a fantasy relationship in my head that never existed the way I wanted it to.

marie1960

I do not know if you will find this helpful today, but she has absolutely nothing to do with you and your EX. Sometimes we try to shift the blame, so we do not have to deal with the brutal facts of the situation..

A very wise friend of mine once shared, " the one that controls your thoughts, controls you"

Just my two cents, but your EX has shown you what a tool he really is, believe him.