TryingToLearn

I've been hanging in there. Getting ready to leave sooner or later and probably would have been later but yesterday he bought a very expensive toy he doesn't need and we don't have the money to pay for it. The money was going to pay our monthly bills and now it's gone. Check written and that's that.

I can't talk to him about money. He won't let me talk. Just says he needs what he needs.

I don't know if this outrageous spending without thought to the consequences is a byproduct of the alcoholism or if it's something else. I can no longer live knowing every day I'm in danger of not meeting my monthly obligations.

Can anyone relate? Feeling alone today.

paige73

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate, my AH is very irresponsible with his money (we keep seperate accounts). At least with seperate accounts, I can rest assured that I can pay what needs paid without him dipping into it.

LoveMeNow

Oh yes!!! It's definitely a "byproduct." It's called entitlement!!

And it gets even better with early recovery (note sarcasm). When my STBXAH was only 3 months clean, he thought he deserved a motorcycle. Uhmmm NO, HE DIDNT!!! I raised a fit over one bod because I am such a "kill joy." Oh, did I mention he relapsed on his 4 month. Maybe it was because he couldn't have a motorcycle, lol. Just kidding.

Blossom717

my ABF and I do not share accounts. We've been together for 4 years and have a 2.5 year old. He is in his 30's and has to have his parents pay his bills for him, even cover what he can't pay because he blows his money on expensive beer (probably about $150 a week, realllly?).

I can barely afford groceries/gas/insurance so I can't afford his habits!

ladyscribbler

It can be a byproduct of alcoholism,or it can just be plain old childish selfishness. My ex husband did things like that all the time. He was not an alcoholic. Thought nothing of spending the equivalent of a month's living expenses on a "toy" for himself on eBay. But would have a meltdown if I spent $40 on a weeks worth of groceries. Now I suspect he had undiagnosed ADD, he was very impulsive and had a short attention span and other issues, but he's dead now, so it really doesn't matter.

How can you start unmeshing your life from his so that his irresponsibility has less effect on you? This is not someone who is responsible and dependable. You may have to do it on the down low. I was also not allowed to talk about money, so I hid my change for weeks- he would have taken it if he had known, my money was somehow also his, though it didn't work both ways. I used that to open a savings account in my name to which he had no access. When I deployed to Iraq I had my direct deposit go into that account so he couldn't touch it. He was irate when he found out, demanding that I give him a debit card so he could access the money for "emergencies", but I was at the point where I told him to go eff himself so he never got his hands on it.

TryingToLearn

Thanks for your help everyone. The problem is the money he's spending is supposed to be going to help with the living expenses and now I have to cover everything again or we won't have food, lights, rent, gas, etc. and I've been doing this for quite a while and I'm teetering on the edge of broke. I think the only way to undo this is to leave and find my own place and he can sink or swim. I've enabled him for years thinking just this time and then it would be okay but it never is. I've gotten so depressed by it all I no longer open my own bills and I just wonder where in the world he thinks this money is coming from. I can't talk about it at all. No point even trying which I did a week or so ago. I just get yelled at and it's not worth it because nothing ever changes. But this latest purchase just has undone me as it's so expensive, took all our available cash and more. Oh, the lessons I'm learning the hard way because I didn't pay attention in the beginning. Thanks for listening. I appreciate the help.

ladyscribbler

Since you're paying for all the living expenses you may as we'll be doing it at your own place. I think leaving him to sink or swim is an excellent idea. He's not going to change, but you can make a new life for yourself without all this extra stress from his nonsense.

TryingToLearn

Yes, it's time to go. I've been quite the enabler for a long time and now I stay out of the FOG but I'm not doing either of us any favors and the stress is more than I can take.

LoveMeNow

When my father "misbehaved" - his wife would make a beautiful candle light dinner for one. Now my father is not alcoholic, but he can be a spoiled baby. She made her point though. it's something he hasn't forgotten either.