CaptainPolaris

Ive posted the situation before where my friend told my best friend I was drinking at a party and that friend subsequently told my husband. All of these people are aware of my alcohol problems and that I stopped drinking after a whole slew of problems in May 2010.

I denied drinking to all of them, even those who saw me. After, I decided with the help if this forum that I was fooling nobody and I came clean to my friends. They were all very supportive and forgave me stating that "lying and denying is all part of the disease" and they assured me that I would never lose their friendship... They asked me to go back to AA and seek counseling for the slip up after the loss of my daughter. They said they feared there would be more slip ups if I didn't take care of the issue.

Now, there is only one person left to confess to. That person is my husband. I have confessed to a few other slip ups and some I kept to myself but I know that he suspects I was drinking bc of what my friend said when she called him. I don't want to compromise our trust. Please tell me exactly what to say and how to tell him I was dishonest again. He is very understanding but I have to do this right. Substance abuse and compulsive behaviors are the only issues he has with me over and over ... But I have to do this right. Suggestions of a good way to start that conversation? The lie has been going on for a couple of weeks.

Or maybe I should just not say a thing?

deeker

truth works pretty good, I lied, I am so sorry, Please forgive me, this is my plan to stop drinking

Pondlady

If it were me, I'd find a time where we could talk. I'd tell him the simple truth and then I'd LISTEN.

Dee74

I can only give you the same answer I did last time you asked Captain:

The longer you leave the truth-telling, the more likely the damage could be.

D

CaptainPolaris

I guess what im asking for is the exact conversation starter

Dollyangel17

Well it sounds like the trust has already been compromised, but perhaps salvageable with complete ownership of your actions.

Perhaps start out with.."although I realized you have suspicions, you deserve to have me tell you personally exactly what has transpired over xx period of time as a result of some struggles I am having".

Either way...the truth told by you is the best way to go.

Best of luck!

ontherightpath

So, babe, I went back to aa tonight. I hope you will support me in my journey.

Seems legit. Don't rush to make amends. It's part of the process. You can make all the decisions you want, they mean nothing til you implement action.

Good luck

CaptainPolaris

Im concerned about how many times this can happen before trust is lost. It's always the same issue... Every 6 mo or so this happens. Sometimes he catches me ordering things online etc ... Anything that can be consumed to make me feel good or high. I am so trustworthy in every other way

ontherightpath

And it will continue to happen until you get a plan of action established.

I have relapsed so many times, been in and out of recovery, swore it wouldn't happen again. And it always did. And then I found the courage to get real honest with myself and my spouse. He doesn't necessarily understand it, but he appreciates my willingness to be open with him.

Hopefully you can get to that point. Remember drinking is but a symptom. Does your husband attend alanon meetings? Maybe an open meeting together would be an option?

Ruby2

I don't know that any one of us can hand you a script. I don't mean that to sound cold because I do understand the situation you are in but none of us know the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. What works for me may not work for you and may cause more harm than good. I truly believe that when the right time comes, you will know it. I think you said you had attended AA? Is there someone there you can bounce ideas off of? Or some other neutral third party who knows you in person? And for future situations when you might be tempted what works for me is to be completely honest before I pick up a drink. Getting the thought out in the open helps dissipate the urge and I am owning up to how I feel just then. You will get enough ideas on here to start building a way to approach your husband. He is probably the hardest to tell because you are afraid of hurting him more? He probably already knows and has just not said anything yet. I know that when I would sneak a drink Or when my husband would sneak a drink, we each knew what had happened because we knew each other too well. We are best at pulling the wool over our own eyes really. Short and to the point with a plan for prevention. No justifications or rationalization.

ScottFromWI

Just sit down and tell the truth. Simply say that you have something you need to talk about and say it. Trust is something you earn by being honest, not by holding back.

EndGameNYC

We're supposed to feel bad when we lie. It's degrading to the self and erodes good will from others. It doesn't matter that we're honest in every other way in our lives; people remember our lies for the betrayal that they so often are.

Since this is a recurring problem, and because either you or your husband -- or both -- have instated him as your drinking monitor, I strongly recommend couples therapy.

If nothing else, it's a process that can help people to rely much less on deceit than they typically do in their relationships. In too many relationships, lying becomes the norm which we justify (rationalize) by telling ourselves that we're doing our partner a favor, protecting him or her, by holding onto an uncomfortable truth.

"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." -- Robert Louis Stevenson, author of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

christimc

Oh girl if I had a quarter for every time I thought this, unfortunately, non it's not easy, I have put my hubby on a rollercoaster for almost a year. He's bout has it and may leave me. My last shot is AA which i intend to start Thursday. There's no easy way to be honest but it will set free

LadyinBC

The thing about this is that this type of stuff always comes out at some point. And it is usually someone else that will spill the beans.

Honestly, I can't see the point in hiding it, it is just something else that will eat away at you if you keep it hidden. That has just been my experience.

Sometimes the best way to tell someone something is just to be blunt.

GracieLou

I hate to point out the obvious and it may sound harsh but what make you think he trusts you? Has he said so?

If you do this every six months and there are times he catches you then most likely he is watching and waiting for it. That sounds negative but it can very well be the case.

Trust is a hard thing, real hard. Action always speaks louder than words. That is not to suggest you don't tell him the truth but maybe this time telling him rather than having him find out would make a difference to how you proceed from here.

Aellyce

Hi CP - from your other posts I recall this wasn't just a simple one time slip, but you have been drinking more lately. If that's the case, it would probably be most important for your own well being to share this with your husband especially because it sounds like he is supportive and helpful.

On the how. I agree with the posters above who suggested to keep it simple. I would not schedule a "big talk", just find a calm moment where there aren't other pressing issues to discuss and not much distraction. Can't suggest specific situation of course because I don't know you guys.

Then just say something along the lines of "I need to tell you something... have not been feeling very well lately and I've picked up (the drink)... I know I need to find better ways..."

Then, Like Pondlady said, just listen.

I also agree with other comments that the two of you may need to find bigger ways to help deal with your current situation, together.

Fandy

The thing about lying is, you might think what you're saying in the lie is oh so believable, but most times the one being lied to already knows it, it is obvious.
they are patiently waiting ( or not) for you to tell the truth.
There is a real eye opener in the Friends & Family section...I think the title is Quackers...as in alcoholic quacking ( repeated lying).
it is very blunt but was helpful to me too.

AlcoholFree66

When I was drunk 5 nights ago - my daughter said 'you've been drinking' with total digust and hatred. I lied 'no I haven't'. She said 'swear on my life' and I lied 'I swear on your life I haven't been drinking. This is a lie she most likely will never forget. I think that my dishonest and deceptive practising alcoholic self is one of the qualities I hate the most. Yesterday I had to tell my husband that I was not reading in bed last night as he watched TV. I had infact snuck another bottle of red wine into our bedroom. He was disgusted. For the first time he said 'well you really do have a problem - you are going to lose your children and marriage if you don't stop drinking - that should be some incentive!'. I'm glad I have been honest with him.

Kaneda8888

CP

Just my 2 cents as someone who has destroyed the trust of his partner in the past. Get a recovery plan set up, start following it. Then go to your other half and say that you need to have an frank conversation with him. Let it all out and then tell him what are your plans for recovery in detail. Then you follow your plan to the letter and let actions be the creator of trust, not words.

Anna

You are concerned about losing your husband's trust due to your repeated lying about drinking and drugs.

The best thing to do in the situation is to make a plan and stop, for good and stick to it.