alone9

I'm new to this site, first off. My fiancé just got out of a rehab facility and went to his mother's house instead of back to our home. He said he needs to focus on himself and I need to focus on myself and my codependency. He said this was suggested to him. I've been reading this forum and it seems like relationships are discouraged for the first year. Is this new relationships, or existing as well? Our only form of communication is email which is very difficult. He says he will call me and does not. He's been out about two weeks now. I'm very confused and not sure what to think and not sure where we stand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

shakeel

I really feel your frustration. I can not give any advice neither can anyone really give any answers( I think). He may really be trying to regain his life, and at the same time he could also be using the Rehab advices as an excuse for other things. Are you sure he's not off the wagon again and doesn't want you to find out? 2 weeks and no contact is a bit long in my opinion. the (no relationship for a year) thing, I always thought were for new relationships, as far as existing ones, I don't think it would make any sense. again, I answered your query because I always feel bad for those who have to suffer with us.

chicory

alone9,
are you going to any al-anon meetings yet? that might be a great idea right now. He says you have codependency issues, and that sounds like he might be worried about triggering .

I hope you can focus on yourself right now, as he needs to focus on his self, especially now. have you read 'Codependent No More', by Melody Beaty? It is an invaluable resource.

I am sure this must be tough, being engaged and all. But getting married without having resolved drinking issues is suicide for a realtionship. This is a good time for you to look at the big picture, see if he is sincere about recovery, and if not, perhaps decide if you want that in your life , your marriage. A person who is recovering is always recovering, you know that I suppose?

hugs
chicory

CodeJob

Hello Alone! Welcome to SR! It sounds like you have been reading here some already! That is good. I found SR while my H was at rehab.

What do you think about being called a Codie? Is his mom codependent? He won't talk to you? Hard to know if he or mom is calling the shots? I sense trouble... The only good thing is it won't be at your place... How do you feel about your relationship? Do you want him home so you can watch over him? Is there a possible third woman (you, mom, mystery chick?) or just his addiction?

Well there is a saying that drives my Codie self into a fit of digging. "More will be revealed".

In the meantime I recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a classic and will help you grapple with "your codependency" while you wait and see what's next.