should I contact AW's sponsor?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
should I contact AW's sponsor?
Hello SR friends- long time since I posted...Long story here- will spare you all details other than AW is now clocking in detox #10 (in a little under 1 year). No real meaningful attempts at recovery- some occasional AA appearances, but no interest in rehab or IOP. Usually she relapses within 2-3 weeks of previous detox. Basically, the detox's are at mine and my parents-in-law's hands- AW becomes so sick after weeks of constant drinking and no food intake that we have to take her in because of medical urgency. My AW is now living in an apartment as she is no longer welcome in the home with my teenage son bearing witness to all of this.
My AW had gotten a sponsor a few months back, but IMO no real meaningful interactions- a once weekly coffee meet-up, but nothing else. Clearly my AW does not call sponsor when she starts to slide again. I know this because I have seen the text messages in which my wife 'paints' a picture of normalcy. I would guess the sponsor has some idea things get off track since AW goes silent for days/week at a time. So here's my question- should I contact sponsor, even by text to acknowledge the continually deteriorating condition of AW? First of all, the texts are not identifiable- only number shows, not name, so there's no interest in me knowing the identity of the sponsor. and I know I should only worry about my side of the street. BUT, I am wondering how duped the sponsor would feel if she knew of my AW's absence of coming clean here. Or, would sponsor want to engage more frequently/aggressively knowing the revolving door of relapse occurring here? Would someone really want to sponsor an individual who's not interested in getting better? Or, is that a known 'hazard' of being a sponsor and perhaps I shouldn't be concerned about it?
I've realized I can't help AW anymore, and divorce is now inevitable, but maybe if sponsor knows something, perhaps there is something else that could be done to help my wife? Thanks for any perspectives.
My AW had gotten a sponsor a few months back, but IMO no real meaningful interactions- a once weekly coffee meet-up, but nothing else. Clearly my AW does not call sponsor when she starts to slide again. I know this because I have seen the text messages in which my wife 'paints' a picture of normalcy. I would guess the sponsor has some idea things get off track since AW goes silent for days/week at a time. So here's my question- should I contact sponsor, even by text to acknowledge the continually deteriorating condition of AW? First of all, the texts are not identifiable- only number shows, not name, so there's no interest in me knowing the identity of the sponsor. and I know I should only worry about my side of the street. BUT, I am wondering how duped the sponsor would feel if she knew of my AW's absence of coming clean here. Or, would sponsor want to engage more frequently/aggressively knowing the revolving door of relapse occurring here? Would someone really want to sponsor an individual who's not interested in getting better? Or, is that a known 'hazard' of being a sponsor and perhaps I shouldn't be concerned about it?
I've realized I can't help AW anymore, and divorce is now inevitable, but maybe if sponsor knows something, perhaps there is something else that could be done to help my wife? Thanks for any perspectives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
IMO, no.
They have to want it. The alcoholic has to reach out, that is a major milestone in recovery. Asking for help shows they want help and it shows willingness.
Wait and see if your wife does it on her own. It will mean more to her and to you if she does that.
If you feel you have to do something, then suggest to your wife she call her sponsor, that is all you can really do.
They have to want it. The alcoholic has to reach out, that is a major milestone in recovery. Asking for help shows they want help and it shows willingness.
Wait and see if your wife does it on her own. It will mean more to her and to you if she does that.
If you feel you have to do something, then suggest to your wife she call her sponsor, that is all you can really do.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so you think an Alcoholics Anonymous Sponsor is going to be somehow surprised by the intermittent meeting attendance of a drunk?????? that he or she isn't already WELL schooled in how alcoholics behave and all their tricks??? or get the whole RELAPSE thing? really???
my vote is no. unless at some time previously this VOLUNTEER gave you their phone number with specific instructions to call and under what circumstances.......NO. sponsors aren't there to GET people sober, they are there to HELP those who WANT to STAY sober and work the steps to do so. occasionally they will go on 12 step calls, usually with another sober member, IF the still struggling alcoholic calls and sounds sincere about wanting help.
my vote is no. unless at some time previously this VOLUNTEER gave you their phone number with specific instructions to call and under what circumstances.......NO. sponsors aren't there to GET people sober, they are there to HELP those who WANT to STAY sober and work the steps to do so. occasionally they will go on 12 step calls, usually with another sober member, IF the still struggling alcoholic calls and sounds sincere about wanting help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
thanks... yeah, pretty stupid question on my part.. guess I already knew the answer... guess my impending divorce and "taking hands off..." caused me a codie relapse. thanks for setting me straight!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
There's a big difference between detox, AA and rehab. Rehab was the first time my husband was sober long enough to start learning anything about his disease and the tools he needs. I've been wondering about other issues since before he went in, especially with Hammer's posts and urging on dual-diagnosis.
Speaking to someone recently who's mom is an addict, she called the 28 day rehab "a vacation" and that real rehab for some people should be at least a year long program. I can understand her point even though it's extreme. There are rehabs that are anywhere from 2 weeks to 3, 5 or more months. The longer the rehab, often the success rate does go up. Change and commitment to change both take time.
The main thing being is she needs to realize she needs help in order to have long-term success. My husband's counselor reminded me last week to not ask him what he wants, but what he needs. Before he went to rehab, he didn't know what it is that he needs. IMO a healthy break in the current status quo can be needed too, for all parties involved. Has she ever gone through rehab and/or psych evolutions?
Speaking to someone recently who's mom is an addict, she called the 28 day rehab "a vacation" and that real rehab for some people should be at least a year long program. I can understand her point even though it's extreme. There are rehabs that are anywhere from 2 weeks to 3, 5 or more months. The longer the rehab, often the success rate does go up. Change and commitment to change both take time.
The main thing being is she needs to realize she needs help in order to have long-term success. My husband's counselor reminded me last week to not ask him what he wants, but what he needs. Before he went to rehab, he didn't know what it is that he needs. IMO a healthy break in the current status quo can be needed too, for all parties involved. Has she ever gone through rehab and/or psych evolutions?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No reason to contact her sponsor,just carry on with your side of things.
Originally Posted by Woodman123 
Hello SR friends- long time since I posted...Long story here- will spare you all details other than AW is now clocking in detox #10 (in a little under 1 year). No real meaningful attempts at recovery- some occasional AA appearances, but no interest in rehab or IOP. Usually she relapses within 2-3 weeks of previous detox. Basically, the detox's are at mine and my parents-in-law's hands- AW becomes so sick after weeks of constant drinking and no food intake that we have to take her in because of medical urgency. My AW is now living in an apartment as she is no longer welcome in the home with my teenage son bearing witness to all of this.
My AW had gotten a sponsor a few months back, but IMO no real meaningful interactions- a once weekly coffee meet-up, but nothing else. Clearly my AW does not call sponsor when she starts to slide again. I know this because I have seen the text messages in which my wife 'paints' a picture of normalcy. I would guess the sponsor has some idea things get off track since AW goes silent for days/week at a time. So here's my question- should I contact sponsor, even by text to acknowledge the continually deteriorating condition of AW? First of all, the texts are not identifiable- only number shows, not name, so there's no interest in me knowing the identity of the sponsor. and I know I should only worry about my side of the street. BUT, I am wondering how duped the sponsor would feel if she knew of my AW's absence of coming clean here. Or, would sponsor want to engage more frequently/aggressively knowing the revolving door of relapse occurring here? Would someone really want to sponsor an individual who's not interested in getting better? Or, is that a known 'hazard' of being a sponsor and perhaps I shouldn't be concerned about it?
I've realized I can't help AW anymore, and divorce is now inevitable, but maybe if sponsor knows something, perhaps there is something else that could be done to help my wife? Thanks for any perspectives.
My AW had gotten a sponsor a few months back, but IMO no real meaningful interactions- a once weekly coffee meet-up, but nothing else. Clearly my AW does not call sponsor when she starts to slide again. I know this because I have seen the text messages in which my wife 'paints' a picture of normalcy. I would guess the sponsor has some idea things get off track since AW goes silent for days/week at a time. So here's my question- should I contact sponsor, even by text to acknowledge the continually deteriorating condition of AW? First of all, the texts are not identifiable- only number shows, not name, so there's no interest in me knowing the identity of the sponsor. and I know I should only worry about my side of the street. BUT, I am wondering how duped the sponsor would feel if she knew of my AW's absence of coming clean here. Or, would sponsor want to engage more frequently/aggressively knowing the revolving door of relapse occurring here? Would someone really want to sponsor an individual who's not interested in getting better? Or, is that a known 'hazard' of being a sponsor and perhaps I shouldn't be concerned about it?
I've realized I can't help AW anymore, and divorce is now inevitable, but maybe if sponsor knows something, perhaps there is something else that could be done to help my wife? Thanks for any perspectives.
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