Aiko

I have tried for a long time, I really have.
I have not drunk nor smoked pot since January.
But I am back to pills again...
So it is back to ZERO!

I started with bunches of muscle relaxing pills, plus the docs pills etc
and at the end it just was not enough so I run like a gazelle to get benzo.
I have been nearly two weeks half gone, mixing all sorts,,,,,,,
I turn up to work stoned of pills, my work mates are realizing I am drugged.
It is affecting my work... It takes me ages to do anything my head does not function. I stare at the screen and I hug the clients

I did not turn up sometimes to places I am too stoned.
I say I got migraine.
I can sleep hours and hours... :mog

Today I manage today to stay awake a few hours, I had to take care of my mum in hospital, now I am back at home doing my stuff in peace...

But I calm down I realized I can not control alone!!!!
Is like I have taken a weight of my shoulders.....
I got some friends in SR that help me to realize I have to do something,
to go to NA. The drug centre I can barely go...

I am going to give it a try an English meeting in NA,
Spanish meetings are so religious no way Jose...
I am scared and ashamed... a friend is coming to take me cos I probably run out like a chicken...
I hope I can fit there because I just can not control anymore.

I most of all:
I thank with my heart I found good friends in SR that have helped me so much!

Love you Lots!!!

Dee74

I'm glad you've decided to go to NA aiko

D

Hevyn

We love you too Aiko. Let us know how the meeting goes - sounds like a good plan to give them a shot.

SoberLeigh

Hope the meeting goes well, Aiko.

dSober

Wrong. You're just still learning. It's the hard way to learn but you're getting closer even it you don't see it. Some of us are more stubborn than others. We gotta get beat over the head a lot more times. Lower bottom. You'll hit it eventually. It's up to you how hard you hit and when. DON'T GIVE UP!

dSober

P.S. It took me a looooong time to understand that addiction IS a spiritual malady.
That's what AA founders realized more than 75 years ago. NA, CA, etc. evolved from them.

marselles

well done Aiko! and as your man there mr nike says, 'don't try - just do it'

Big Huge Massive 'normous Grande Mega Gigantic Humongous Well-Above-Average Hug!!!

marselles

ps i'm loving these replies to Aiko's post

Aiko

Thank you all for your support!

I am learning, hard way but I am learning.
I got the meeting hopefully on Friday night so I will be naughty until then...
I have weekend to come off it!!!
God I am dreading it... I will have to go through it alone again.......
I am going to regret it...But somehow I am going to do it!!!

I wish I could take a week off at work!
And Thursday court case of work...f******
God I have to turn up awake and smart.................
That is going to be fun........

When I am out Will let you know promise

Aiko

Marssssssssssssss

I do not use NIKE,....But I do listen to you all, Do not Try, JUST DO IT!!!
I run with ASICS......Anima Sana in Corpore Sano

Nite Nite All

autan

Hi Aiko

I used to drink like I couldnt get drunk, I have been sober since October give our take a week at xmas. Dont stop giving up. Only when you are in danger of losing something, do you want it more. Namely your life.

least

I hope the NA meeting helps you.

Aiko

I am starting to get worried...
I am running out of benzo!!!!!!

Just been offered a free supply of it!
Just tell me and I get you all you want!!!
God I had to say NO...........
I got anxiety only to say NO! S************************
But I said NO I am stopping on Saturday...
And I know how to get other ways as well...
I am going to go mad!

I am getting stressed even before I get the withdraw...
I am seen the doctor on Friday morning so I am going to be honest and ask him what can I take not to go bonkers.
and he will say:
yes but are you going to take it as prescribeddddd or are you going to take bunches??? Funny thing I can not get tranquillizers cos I abuse...God!
At least I am not drinking!!!
I hope I can get to the NA meeting on friday!!!

The reason I am stopping is for my family they need me,
I would be stoned everyday If it was up to me!
I do not really care if I do not wake up one day!
I just do not want to feel alive!

But they lost a child already... they could not take it if something happens to me!
The fact is I was waiting for my parents to die so I can waste myself... and die in peace!
But my Younger brother needs me. So I am stuck here!
I have to find something for me to strive or I will keep going back to alcohol and drugs!

I really really am dreading the weekend...
I am going to try to get time off next week of work, I know I will go crazy again!

Sorry is I am just getting stressed and scared!!!

SoberLeigh

Sweet Aiko; your post brought tears to my eyes. Please recognize how important you are not only to your brother but to the people at SR and I am sure to many others.

Aiko

Sorry soberleigh,

I do not want to upset you!
I just am honest at this point!
I have realized of my main problem...
I want to take and take what ever cos I just do not find sense in living!
But I going to try to go to NA and get through it again and get clean and be able to find my way!
Right now my head is just full of chemicals..

I really am dreading the D DAY...
Have no other choice or this is going to get really nasty pretty soon!
But I am going to do it!!!

Big Hug,
Aiko

SoberLeigh

I am glad that you are honest, Aiko. And it is okay if you make me cry; I am a big girl. I truly hope that you find great joy and purpose in sobriety.

Big hugs to YOU, Aiko.

deeker

Thank You for your honesty Aiko, will be praying for you.

neferkamichael

Aiko, amor de señora hermoso, rootin for ya.

dSober

Yes, they do! I'd probably be dead if I didn't want to abandon my kids.

dSober

I think I got that wording wrong but y'all get my drift. My kids would have been well cared for if I left this world. They already spent a year with my wife's brother and sister in law with children's services removed them from us. They're back now but thier mom isn't. She died a couple years ago from her other addiction, smoking.

Point is: My kids need ME, always will. And I need them!