Root Cause Analysis
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Root Cause Analysis
RCA -- that is where you look for a common source of re-occurring [family in our case]
"problem(s)."
For many of *us* that comes down to one source.
Our beloved A.
Running that little analysis makes me think back to the woman who ran THIS show . . . . yunno I think she was AA . . . .
"problem(s)."
For many of *us* that comes down to one source.
Our beloved A.
Running that little analysis makes me think back to the woman who ran THIS show . . . . yunno I think she was AA . . . .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
For many of *us* that comes down to one source.
Our beloved A.
Our beloved A.
So my RCA found that the common denominator was me. YMMV.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Hammer 
RCA -- that is where you look for a common source of re-occurring [family in our case]
"problem(s)."
"problem(s)."
Same with his mom and dad.
Same with my mom and dad.
I always thought it wasn't necessary to look back at our childhoods in order to move forward in life - I may have been wrong with that. Maybe they don't need to be dissected, but an acknowledgement can be good.
Moving forward has allowed me to see our childhoods in a whole new manner and how greatly it shaped us. The progress each generation of our families has made gives me great hope for our kids. Stubborn and tenacious are two of our best family traits. How well that plays out remains to be seen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
A boy I dated in high school and was friends with in college gave me advice that reminds me of this thread.
I was complaining about whoever I dated in college at the time to the high school friend and he told me that there was ONE common denominator in all my failed relationships...ME.
I was complaining about whoever I dated in college at the time to the high school friend and he told me that there was ONE common denominator in all my failed relationships...ME.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
At this point in my recovery, I can see RAH and I are two outcomes from dysfunctional families. It is rather hard to accuse Mr. Emotionally Withdrawn of being the weakest link when I picked him. Now he picked me too. I suppose 20+ years in we both wonder what the h were we thinking?!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by MissFixit
A boy I dated in high school and was friends with in college gave me advice that reminds me of this thread.
I was complaining about whoever I dated in college at the time to the high school friend and he told me that there was ONE common denominator in all my failed relationships...ME.
I was complaining about whoever I dated in college at the time to the high school friend and he told me that there was ONE common denominator in all my failed relationships...ME.
This RCA stuff came about from the other direction. From a discussion comparing "us" Alanon types to "normals" in how we deal with an A. Someone had noted that the population of AA is much larger than Alanon, but with all things being equal, the numbers should be around the same.
The observation is MOST partners and families of an A DO NOT go to Alanon, and many do not need to. Instead they simply dump the A and go on to live normal(er) and happ(y/ier) lives. Really just that simple.
Have mentioned one woman I watched down in the Addiction section, below. She was newly married to an A who had kept it hidden. When she got the game, she was having NONE of that crap. She came to this site looking for information and gave A-Hubby 4 weeks to clean-up or be gone. She dumped him at 3-1/2 weeks, as she figured that since he had not clean at 3 weeks, he would not likely be at 4 weeks, either, so why wait?
Never see that in Alanon, do you? But THAT is much closer to what "Normal" folks do.
If *we* take on a part of the A-Constant-Crisis-Creation, we slip back into thinking that since we are "part" of the "Crisis" we may be able to some how Cause, Control, or Cure the crisis. So I ran back over the last year(s) of "Constant Crisis" our family has been through . . . .
When we "could not find a house" outside of the South Dallas 'hood. All stunts the Awtf pulled.
A couple of years later, when we went "homeless" -- THAT was courtesy of Awtf.
Rehab Crisis -- where she would not go when scheduled, and instead "had to" go when it cost me weeks off work, and left us totally broke . . . . Again, all Awtf.
All the Lies and Crazy that drove the kids into Alateen. Only one source there. Awtf.
Goes on and on and on.
Everything, or at least damn near everything that has been on-going "Create-a-Crisis(dot)com" (the kids nick-name for the situations) for years with us is ALL and ONLY Awtf.
The real truth in ALL that -- I get widely blamed for ALL of it, but there is only ONE "Root Cause Analysis" source.
My only real part in it is that I am Passive -- Again, one of my 4th Step Character Defects.
Normal folks just do not put up with the crap.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi Hammer,
What is the TF in AWTF? What happened with your housing exactly? Did Mrs. Hammer go to a high end facility? Were you in rescue mode during these crisis.com episodes?
And your last thread got shut down, but are you not even married to Mrs. Hammer? I get confused sorry!
What is the TF in AWTF? What happened with your housing exactly? Did Mrs. Hammer go to a high end facility? Were you in rescue mode during these crisis.com episodes?
And your last thread got shut down, but are you not even married to Mrs. Hammer? I get confused sorry!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hi Hammer,
What is the TF in AWTF? What happened with your housing exactly? Did Mrs. Hammer go to a high end facility? Were you in rescue mode during these crisis.com episodes?
What is the TF in AWTF? What happened with your housing exactly? Did Mrs. Hammer go to a high end facility? Were you in rescue mode during these crisis.com episodes?
So at any rate . . . the formerly known Mrs. Hammer has been going around the Local Rehab presenting herself as, "a divorced single mother." I tend to look at life as we often speak our own truth, or where we are heading.
So just as a more fitting short-hand I figure "wtf" just seems to fit.
I figure it is just about time to get her where she is going.
And your last thread got shut down, but are you not even married to Mrs. Hammer? I get confused sorry!
And anyway . . . YOU are confused? Picture THIS side of the keyboard.
But yeah, not married, but we have always sort of behaved married. (and please no idiotic internet lawyers with common-law nonsense) Often said to each that we are more married than most married folks. The "in-laws" have introduced me as such for years.
Seems we sort of have done things backwards. Supposed to be: 1. Get Married, 2. Get a House, 3. Have kids. Did all that backwards and now I think #1 on that list is not likely.
soooo. . . . wtf.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
AWTF? That's going to become the new ism. AWTFism. I like it! Honestly, can't tell you how many times I've said WTF when dealing with alcoholic.....now I have a name for it! 
RCA? Very analytical sounding. Think I'll throw that out there in next conversation with AH. "I've done a RCA and not sure this AWTFism is worth it."
BTW. I always enjoy your profound perspectives on situations.
RCA? Very analytical sounding. Think I'll throw that out there in next conversation with AH. "I've done a RCA and not sure this AWTFism is worth it."
BTW. I always enjoy your profound perspectives on situations.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
In the past I have walked, ran, rocketed away from people who have treated me with less than exceptable behavior. I have cut ties with friends that lie to me. Am able to put boundaries in place with controlling or manipulating bosses and coworker.
I keep going back to why I have stayed this long in this hell hole. Yes, there have been the usual (finances, my stepson), but why, really? I was alone and completely independent for 10 years before I got married (and happy).
Bottom line for me, this is NOT a true marriage or partnership in any stretch of the definition. I think that if I could have completely gotten away from all obligations (desert island) and no contact years ago I could have made a clean break.
Better late than never.
I keep going back to why I have stayed this long in this hell hole. Yes, there have been the usual (finances, my stepson), but why, really? I was alone and completely independent for 10 years before I got married (and happy).
Bottom line for me, this is NOT a true marriage or partnership in any stretch of the definition. I think that if I could have completely gotten away from all obligations (desert island) and no contact years ago I could have made a clean break.
Better late than never.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Ohohoh! I get to share some of my insight from the (delayed) marriage retreat we attended this past weekend. I already knew I'm screwed up. I'm working on it. Also confirmed Mr. Grits is screwed up, but he's still fighting it a bit. Anyway, the information presented was wonderful, and I practically jumped out of my seat to announce that I have Dr. Gottman's article on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse printed and sitting in my nightstand, where it sits tattered and worn after a year of repeated reading. Basically, some things will kill any relationship, but add in mental illness and you've got one hell of a rescue operation. Without us both working our respective DIY stuff, we are destined for the junkyard. We aren't even close, but the first signs are there. No point in going in to rescue someone who's just going to jump ship after you get them on board. I saw great couples, and I saw
codependency out the a$$ ("I saw he was in a bad place and just knew I could save him!"). I resisted the urge to scream "He's not a car and you're not a mechanic!". Pretty sure the chaplain was doing the same thing.
Anyway, I may have gotten off track a bit here, but I'm still energized from the whole experience. My list from before the retreat looked like: I want someone who is honest, funny, caring, and respects me. Now it looks more like: I need someone who is honest and open, shares my faith and my spirituality, respects my thoughts and feelings, who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out, and would go to the ends of the earth to be a godly husband for me, so long as I am a godly wife. Not want, but need. Big difference. If you don't have those things, you don't have anything. We are working The Love Dare and the program in Fighting for Your Marriage. If you haven't read them, I highly suggest it. FfYM is based on PREP, which is a Christian premarital preparation program, but the principles really apply to all relationships. Really insightful, good God stuff.
codependency out the a$$ ("I saw he was in a bad place and just knew I could save him!"). I resisted the urge to scream "He's not a car and you're not a mechanic!". Pretty sure the chaplain was doing the same thing.
Anyway, I may have gotten off track a bit here, but I'm still energized from the whole experience. My list from before the retreat looked like: I want someone who is honest, funny, caring, and respects me. Now it looks more like: I need someone who is honest and open, shares my faith and my spirituality, respects my thoughts and feelings, who thinks I'm beautiful inside and out, and would go to the ends of the earth to be a godly husband for me, so long as I am a godly wife. Not want, but need. Big difference. If you don't have those things, you don't have anything. We are working The Love Dare and the program in Fighting for Your Marriage. If you haven't read them, I highly suggest it. FfYM is based on PREP, which is a Christian premarital preparation program, but the principles really apply to all relationships. Really insightful, good God stuff.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
NWGrits, I think I have a copy of the Love Dare in my office! Unread. 
I don't even dare unpack another book on my RAH. He is still ticked over the 5 Love Languages. As for Gottman, well they do the marital series where I go to counseling. Mr. T says you work like a dog. Well we both knew I was the only one showing up so I might just ask him which book I should read on my own. But the 4 horseman are scary. I am riding with that group in my marriage. I guess I like the bad boy crowd. I need to shake that crowd for my own benefit going forward.
I don't even dare unpack another book on my RAH. He is still ticked over the 5 Love Languages. As for Gottman, well they do the marital series where I go to counseling. Mr. T says you work like a dog. Well we both knew I was the only one showing up so I might just ask him which book I should read on my own. But the 4 horseman are scary. I am riding with that group in my marriage. I guess I like the bad boy crowd. I need to shake that crowd for my own benefit going forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by Hammer
That is funny. Covered that in my 4th Step stuff. About me being totally passive and winding with this and a couple prior "crazy" relationships. They have ALL had some elements of Mental Illness on the women side (and of course maybe me, too). But my real part is they were with me because I have been totally passive. Take only what comes up to the door. Sort of like being a "road kill" hunter.
This RCA stuff came about from the other direction. From a discussion comparing "us" Alanon types to "normals" in how we deal with an A. Someone had noted that the population of AA is much larger than Alanon, but with all things being equal, the numbers should be around the same.
The observation is MOST partners and families of an A DO NOT go to Alanon, and many do not need to. Instead they simply dump the A and go on to live normal(er) and happ(y/ier) lives. Really just that simple.
Have mentioned one woman I watched down in the Addiction section, below. She was newly married to an A who had kept it hidden. When she got the game, she was having NONE of that crap. She came to this site looking for information and gave A-Hubby 4 weeks to clean-up or be gone. She dumped him at 3-1/2 weeks, as she figured that since he had not clean at 3 weeks, he would not likely be at 4 weeks, either, so why wait?
Never see that in Alanon, do you? But THAT is much closer to what "Normal" folks do.
If *we* take on a part of the A-Constant-Crisis-Creation, we slip back into thinking that since we are "part" of the "Crisis" we may be able to some how Cause, Control, or Cure the crisis. So I ran back over the last year(s) of "Constant Crisis" our family has been through . . . .
When we "could not find a house" outside of the South Dallas 'hood. All stunts the Awtf pulled.
A couple of years later, when we went "homeless" -- THAT was courtesy of Awtf.
Rehab Crisis -- where she would not go when scheduled, and instead "had to" go when it cost me weeks off work, and left us totally broke . . . . Again, all Awtf.
All the Lies and Crazy that drove the kids into Alateen. Only one source there. Awtf.
Goes on and on and on.
Everything, or at least damn near everything that has been on-going "Create-a-Crisis(dot)com" (the kids nick-name for the situations) for years with us is ALL and ONLY Awtf.
The real truth in ALL that -- I get widely blamed for ALL of it, but there is only ONE "Root Cause Analysis" source.
My only real part in it is that I am Passive -- Again, one of my 4th Step Character Defects.
Normal folks just do not put up with the crap.
So at any rate . . . the formerly known Mrs. Hammer has been going around the Local Rehab presenting herself as, "a divorced single mother." I tend to look at life as we often speak our own truth, or where we are heading.
I figure it is just about time to get her where she is going.
But yeah, not married, but we have always sort of behaved married. (and please no idiotic internet lawyers with common-law nonsense) Often said to each that we are more married than most married folks. The "in-laws" have introduced me as such for years.
This RCA stuff came about from the other direction. From a discussion comparing "us" Alanon types to "normals" in how we deal with an A. Someone had noted that the population of AA is much larger than Alanon, but with all things being equal, the numbers should be around the same.
The observation is MOST partners and families of an A DO NOT go to Alanon, and many do not need to. Instead they simply dump the A and go on to live normal(er) and happ(y/ier) lives. Really just that simple.
Have mentioned one woman I watched down in the Addiction section, below. She was newly married to an A who had kept it hidden. When she got the game, she was having NONE of that crap. She came to this site looking for information and gave A-Hubby 4 weeks to clean-up or be gone. She dumped him at 3-1/2 weeks, as she figured that since he had not clean at 3 weeks, he would not likely be at 4 weeks, either, so why wait?
Never see that in Alanon, do you? But THAT is much closer to what "Normal" folks do.
If *we* take on a part of the A-Constant-Crisis-Creation, we slip back into thinking that since we are "part" of the "Crisis" we may be able to some how Cause, Control, or Cure the crisis. So I ran back over the last year(s) of "Constant Crisis" our family has been through . . . .
When we "could not find a house" outside of the South Dallas 'hood. All stunts the Awtf pulled.
A couple of years later, when we went "homeless" -- THAT was courtesy of Awtf.
Rehab Crisis -- where she would not go when scheduled, and instead "had to" go when it cost me weeks off work, and left us totally broke . . . . Again, all Awtf.
All the Lies and Crazy that drove the kids into Alateen. Only one source there. Awtf.
Goes on and on and on.
Everything, or at least damn near everything that has been on-going "Create-a-Crisis(dot)com" (the kids nick-name for the situations) for years with us is ALL and ONLY Awtf.
The real truth in ALL that -- I get widely blamed for ALL of it, but there is only ONE "Root Cause Analysis" source.
My only real part in it is that I am Passive -- Again, one of my 4th Step Character Defects.
Normal folks just do not put up with the crap.
So at any rate . . . the formerly known Mrs. Hammer has been going around the Local Rehab presenting herself as, "a divorced single mother." I tend to look at life as we often speak our own truth, or where we are heading.
I figure it is just about time to get her where she is going.
But yeah, not married, but we have always sort of behaved married. (and please no idiotic internet lawyers with common-law nonsense) Often said to each that we are more married than most married folks. The "in-laws" have introduced me as such for years.
What means "more married than most married folks" ?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hammer, personally I think you thought you could save Mrs. Hammer. Not sure that is exactly passive. But this is just what I perceive on SR and I do not know you enough to call it one way or another.
Is she trolling for a new partner with that lie? Hopefully you have a POA to get custody of your kids? She knows you value them. I hope your God Airlines has a direct flight to good outcome.
Is she trolling for a new partner with that lie? Hopefully you have a POA to get custody of your kids? She knows you value them. I hope your God Airlines has a direct flight to good outcome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Hammer, my STBXAH is not BPD though it's highly likely he has some type of mental illness going on... though we'll never know since he (1) won't quit drinking and (2) won't see a doctor or go to counseling. In our brief stint with marital counseling, his motto was lie through your teeth and tell the therapist only exactly what she wants to hear, or what makes your wife or children sound the worst.
Speaking from the other side, I did not know how much more peaceful, happy, and just plain great my life could be until I kicked him to the curb. Now I just regret that I didn't do it sooner as we're still dealing with the aftermath of children living in an abusive, alcoholic home. I'm inclined to think in my RCA, the source would be me. I was the one who stayed. I was the one who allowed myself and my children to be treated the way he treated us. I was the one who was crazy/dysfunctional/sick enough to stay in a toxic environment.
I really hope that one way or another, you can find the happiness and peace that you and your children deserve.
Speaking from the other side, I did not know how much more peaceful, happy, and just plain great my life could be until I kicked him to the curb. Now I just regret that I didn't do it sooner as we're still dealing with the aftermath of children living in an abusive, alcoholic home. I'm inclined to think in my RCA, the source would be me. I was the one who stayed. I was the one who allowed myself and my children to be treated the way he treated us. I was the one who was crazy/dysfunctional/sick enough to stay in a toxic environment.
I really hope that one way or another, you can find the happiness and peace that you and your children deserve.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Have you spoken with a lawyer about your custody rights? She sure doesn't sound too fit. I know Texas is about as backwards as SC, so are you worried they will favor the mother if you split? I don't even know the "rules" about splitting with kids if you are not married. If she is working at the sober rehab place and having to support herself with that job, don't you think she would be okay to have them part time without your observation/intervention?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Hammer
That is funny. Covered that in my 4th Step stuff. About me being totally passive and winding with this and a couple prior "crazy" relationships. They have ALL had some elements of Mental Illness on the women side (and of course maybe me, too). But my real part is they were with me because I have been totally passive. Take only what comes up to the door. Sort of like being a "road kill" hunter.
This RCA stuff came about from the other direction. From a discussion comparing "us" Alanon types to "normals" in how we deal with an A. Someone had noted that the population of AA is much larger than Alanon, but with all things being equal, the numbers should be around the same.
The observation is MOST partners and families of an A DO NOT go to Alanon, and many do not need to. Instead they simply dump the A and go on to live normal(er) and happ(y/ier) lives. Really just that simple.
Have mentioned one woman I watched down in the Addiction section, below. She was newly married to an A who had kept it hidden. When she got the game, she was having NONE of that crap. She came to this site looking for information and gave A-Hubby 4 weeks to clean-up or be gone. She dumped him at 3-1/2 weeks, as she figured that since he had not clean at 3 weeks, he would not likely be at 4 weeks, either, so why wait?
Never see that in Alanon, do you? But THAT is much closer to what "Normal" folks do.
If *we* take on a part of the A-Constant-Crisis-Creation, we slip back into thinking that since we are "part" of the "Crisis" we may be able to some how Cause, Control, or Cure the crisis. So I ran back over the last year(s) of "Constant Crisis" our family has been through . . . .
When we "could not find a house" outside of the South Dallas 'hood. All stunts the Awtf pulled.
A couple of years later, when we went "homeless" -- THAT was courtesy of Awtf.
Rehab Crisis -- where she would not go when scheduled, and instead "had to" go when it cost me weeks off work, and left us totally broke . . . . Again, all Awtf.
All the Lies and Crazy that drove the kids into Alateen. Only one source there. Awtf.
Goes on and on and on.
Everything, or at least damn near everything that has been on-going "Create-a-Crisis(dot)com" (the kids nick-name for the situations) for years with us is ALL and ONLY Awtf.
The real truth in ALL that -- I get widely blamed for ALL of it, but there is only ONE "Root Cause Analysis" source.
My only real part in it is that I am Passive -- Again, one of my 4th Step Character Defects.
Normal folks just do not put up with the crap.
This RCA stuff came about from the other direction. From a discussion comparing "us" Alanon types to "normals" in how we deal with an A. Someone had noted that the population of AA is much larger than Alanon, but with all things being equal, the numbers should be around the same.
The observation is MOST partners and families of an A DO NOT go to Alanon, and many do not need to. Instead they simply dump the A and go on to live normal(er) and happ(y/ier) lives. Really just that simple.
Have mentioned one woman I watched down in the Addiction section, below. She was newly married to an A who had kept it hidden. When she got the game, she was having NONE of that crap. She came to this site looking for information and gave A-Hubby 4 weeks to clean-up or be gone. She dumped him at 3-1/2 weeks, as she figured that since he had not clean at 3 weeks, he would not likely be at 4 weeks, either, so why wait?
Never see that in Alanon, do you? But THAT is much closer to what "Normal" folks do.
If *we* take on a part of the A-Constant-Crisis-Creation, we slip back into thinking that since we are "part" of the "Crisis" we may be able to some how Cause, Control, or Cure the crisis. So I ran back over the last year(s) of "Constant Crisis" our family has been through . . . .
When we "could not find a house" outside of the South Dallas 'hood. All stunts the Awtf pulled.
A couple of years later, when we went "homeless" -- THAT was courtesy of Awtf.
Rehab Crisis -- where she would not go when scheduled, and instead "had to" go when it cost me weeks off work, and left us totally broke . . . . Again, all Awtf.
All the Lies and Crazy that drove the kids into Alateen. Only one source there. Awtf.
Goes on and on and on.
Everything, or at least damn near everything that has been on-going "Create-a-Crisis(dot)com" (the kids nick-name for the situations) for years with us is ALL and ONLY Awtf.
The real truth in ALL that -- I get widely blamed for ALL of it, but there is only ONE "Root Cause Analysis" source.
My only real part in it is that I am Passive -- Again, one of my 4th Step Character Defects.
Normal folks just do not put up with the crap.
I mean this with great care and respect...you chose her and you KEEP choosing her. Her issues are not your fault at all. You continuing the relationship is.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by Florence
A or no A, I had to come to terms with the fact that I invited a lot of dysfunctional people into my life who had negative effects on me and the reasons for that.
So my RCA found that the common denominator was me. YMMV.
So my RCA found that the common denominator was me. YMMV.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by CodeJob
NWGrits, I think I have a copy of the Love Dare in my office! Unread.
I don't even dare unpack another book on my RAH. He is still ticked over the 5 Love Languages. As for Gottman, well they do the marital series where I go to counseling. Mr. T says you work like a dog. Well we both knew I was the only one showing up so I might just ask him which book I should read on my own. But the 4 horseman are scary. I am riding with that group in my marriage. I guess I like the bad boy crowd. I need to shake that crowd for my own benefit going forward.
I don't even dare unpack another book on my RAH. He is still ticked over the 5 Love Languages. As for Gottman, well they do the marital series where I go to counseling. Mr. T says you work like a dog. Well we both knew I was the only one showing up so I might just ask him which book I should read on my own. But the 4 horseman are scary. I am riding with that group in my marriage. I guess I like the bad boy crowd. I need to shake that crowd for my own benefit going forward.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
