Psalm5110

I can't believe everything has spiraled so quickly. Three weeks ago, I discovered my husband had been drinking in secret, probably for about two years. I made him leave the house, set boundaries about what we could talk about outside of a counseling setting, put together a schedule for him to spend time with our toddler (in the presence of his parents, since he is staying at their house), found myself a new counselor and started attending Al-Anon.

Over the weekend, while our son and I were visiting family, my husband was arrested for drunk driving. I thought it could be an Easter miracle: a bottom of sorts that would get him to pull himself up from his deep, deep denial. But no: he owned up to the drunk driving but lied about the events leading up to it. He continues to maintain that he has never intentionally concealed any drinking from me.

I love him, but I'm not sticking around to find out what his bottom might be. I'm consulting with an attorney this week to determine next steps, particularly as they relate to child custody (in addition to our son, we have another child due in seven weeks...yes, I am going through all of this while also being in the last stretch to pregnancy) and financially protecting myself from the consequences of his DUI.

Any thoughts or advice as I work to extricate myself from this relationship? I can't believe it's come to this...

iSPAZ

Take care of yourself, of your son and unborn child. Make sure to eat healthy. Get a good family law attorney that has dealt with addicts. Document everything that will help your case. Read and learn as much as you can about detachment. Know that this in no way is your fault. His addiction is on him and him alone. You are fortunate to have the DUI on record and will help you in court. I had nothing but my recollection of events. Set aside as much cash as possible as your assets could be frozen. I went weeks with no access to money and months with very little access. Praying for you!! It can be very difficult but you are not alone.

hopeful4

Document, document, document. I cannot stress that enough.

I second the above, take good care of you. I thought my XAH had found his bottom too, come to find out, I don't think he has one!

I am sorry. Please please stay safe, take care of you and your littles, and keep the appointment with the attorney. Not a criminal attorney for him, that's up to him. The one for you, family law!

XXX

dandylion

Psalm---you have accomplished an amazing amount in a very short time.

He sounds like he is still up to his neck in denial.

Keep it up. And, please keep posting. We care about you and your upcoming new arrival.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, this is such a tough time. At least you're not plagued with denial, you seem clear that it's the only thing you can do. I suggest Alanon, which is incredible support when dealing with an alcoholic ... it literally saved my life. And know that things will get better. A big hug!

Florence

If you want to read back through my old posts, I also started posting at SR during my second pregnancy. My STBXAH yanked me around during this time, making lot of promises, lying about his intake, and losing jobs, generally being difficult and drunk.

Good on you for extricating yourself now. I strung it out, afraid of being alone and having a newborn, wondering if my STBXAH would get himself together enough to support me and be a member of the marriage. Ultimately the answer was no, he would not, and although he's supposedly sober and we've been separated going on two years, he still hasn't. Based on my experience: make sure you have your own money and source of income, get your "team" together to help you with the baby's birth and with your other child over the next several months, consider having regular counseling because this can get crazy in all kinds of ways and having a safe and neutral party to give you advice and provide you with a soft place to land is a godsend. Your families will give you advice based on their desired outcomes, and this can be a brutal obstacle. If you rely on him for anything, consider alternate ways to get these needs met. And finally, don't rely on his parents to be a consistent and long term support for you and the kids.

Do whatever the next right thing is and you'll get through this. Welcome, there are a lot of excellent people here who have a lot of wisdom. Read, participate and learn and you'll get so much out of it. Thanks for posting.

Psalm5110

Everyone, you are so wonderful! All your advice is great. I am blessed to have a good job and a good education that will provide even more opportunities going forward. My immediate family is amazingly supportive, and I'm getting the help I need. And my attorney is a good friend's husband who is experienced in divorce and family law. Husband is on his own for legal representation, both for the DUI and everything else.

embraced2000

sorry psalm. I understand how difficult this is.

AnvilheadII

they weren't kidding when they said alcoholism is a progressive disease. it can go along so slowly, hardly moving, and then wha-BAM, you hit the rapids and suddenly you are pitched over the falls.

the DUI should work in your favor regarding custody and visitation - and the balance there should be FULL custody for you and minimal visitation for him, at least for the foreseeable future as he has proven to be a danger to himself and others.

hate that you have to do this so near to term, but you got momma hormones coursing thru ya and could probably not only lift but carry a volkswagon right now! hang in there!!

Blueskies25

Anvil head knocks it right on the head re the wham bam! I'm so sorry to know you're going thru this with a baby on the way but am glad you've got support around you. Hugs to you and your children. My stbxah was the same- I had simply no idea and them boom, discovered the drinking (2-3 years? Possibly longer! How the heck did I not notice??? How???) and then discovered he'd been stealing large amounts from his ill mother, he got sacked, he'd been having an affair and on it goes..same as you I put him out immediately (he'd also hit me so it was kind of the straw that broke the camels back tbh) and got a lawyer, finally told my friends and family the story and let everyone help out a bit. It's hard going and I can't imagine how much strength you have to do all this whilst preggers. I've learned so much from the stickies here and from the other wonderful members. I can't tell you how much of a support it is and I'm so glad you've found this site too. I second the suggestion for counselling. The more that revealed itself in time, the more I was grateful for an outlet to work thru it. I used a local addiction charity and they worked with DD6 too. Now that ive learned much more, i can see there were red flags from early on. Painful realisations but my two children dont deserve this. Neither do you or i, or uour children. You're a strong mum! Sending you support from miles away. Re hitting bottom, my stbxah claims sobriety but the spiral continues... Now no drivers license, was homeless, now with a new woman again, will not get a ref from employer of last 11 years...

Stung

My experience was very similar to Florence's. I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old and my husband and I have been separated since December. During my 2nd pregnancy and afterwards I kicked him out to his parent's house which turned out to be enabling central. Thankfully he has been sober since January and is no-contact with his parents and siblings. Right now, things are going well for us.

It sounds like you're doing an excellent job taking care of yourself and your toddler. I'm glad that you have a support system in place to help you after the birth of your second child too.