Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 73
Hello
Hello all. As the title suggests, this is my third time back and trying to get sobriety to stick this time. Day 6. Going to AA meetings and just listening. I found this site and recently registered. I guess I'm posting this to share, find some support, and maybe my story will resonate with someone out there. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and all of the emotional train wrecks my actions have caused. A little background....
First time sober was 20 years ago. DUI, which got me into AA. I really picked up the program, worked steps and felt alive again. Until two years into it. Was at a outdoor baseball game, spring, sun....man that beer looked good. One beer could not be bad eh? 16 years later, two failed marriages and a boatload of emotional baggage in the ditch, I had had enough....again. Why did I go back out again? Everything you are told not to do, I did...didn't thoroughly work the steps, stop going to meetings, thinking that I was cured and could do a little controlled drinking. Yeah, right.
Second time, was 4 years ago. I just woke up one morning. Done. The hangovers. The waking up retracing what I did the night before. Wondering if I needed to apologize to anyone. Drinking every night. Just one. Sure just one to unwind. 12 beers later. Rinse, repeat, and....you get the idea. I felt like crap. I knew I needed to stop. The guilt. The anger. But wait....I had a good job. I supported my family. All lies caused by this insidious disease. Progressive. Got my self into a program, got a sponsor, worked the steps. Had two years of good sobriety. At least it was the best two years of my life. Then....I stopped going to meetings, was living on my own, no support system, never did a meaningful 4th step. I isolated myself, and that is when it all started over. One beer? "Sure. Go ahead, you haven't touched anything in two years. You really don't have a problem", my mind said. Cunning, baffling and powerful....I am the poster child for "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results."
Fast forward to today. 30 years of pretty much non stop drinking. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I just woke up so angry and disappointed with myself after a night of binging.
I am going to meetings. I know I have to take all of this one day at a time. I keep telling myself that the only thing I have to do perfect today is not drink.
Thanks for letting me vent and get this out. This seems to be an amazing resource.
First time sober was 20 years ago. DUI, which got me into AA. I really picked up the program, worked steps and felt alive again. Until two years into it. Was at a outdoor baseball game, spring, sun....man that beer looked good. One beer could not be bad eh? 16 years later, two failed marriages and a boatload of emotional baggage in the ditch, I had had enough....again. Why did I go back out again? Everything you are told not to do, I did...didn't thoroughly work the steps, stop going to meetings, thinking that I was cured and could do a little controlled drinking. Yeah, right.
Second time, was 4 years ago. I just woke up one morning. Done. The hangovers. The waking up retracing what I did the night before. Wondering if I needed to apologize to anyone. Drinking every night. Just one. Sure just one to unwind. 12 beers later. Rinse, repeat, and....you get the idea. I felt like crap. I knew I needed to stop. The guilt. The anger. But wait....I had a good job. I supported my family. All lies caused by this insidious disease. Progressive. Got my self into a program, got a sponsor, worked the steps. Had two years of good sobriety. At least it was the best two years of my life. Then....I stopped going to meetings, was living on my own, no support system, never did a meaningful 4th step. I isolated myself, and that is when it all started over. One beer? "Sure. Go ahead, you haven't touched anything in two years. You really don't have a problem", my mind said. Cunning, baffling and powerful....I am the poster child for "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results."
Fast forward to today. 30 years of pretty much non stop drinking. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I just woke up so angry and disappointed with myself after a night of binging.
I am going to meetings. I know I have to take all of this one day at a time. I keep telling myself that the only thing I have to do perfect today is not drink.
Thanks for letting me vent and get this out. This seems to be an amazing resource.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Welcome to SR.
I did the same thing a couple of times. Figured I had it beat,and it ended up beating me over the head.
This site is great. There's always somebody here to chat with when that ole AV starts to convince you to do the wrong thing.
And because it's world wide,there's always somebody here day or night.
I did the same thing a couple of times. Figured I had it beat,and it ended up beating me over the head.
This site is great. There's always somebody here to chat with when that ole AV starts to convince you to do the wrong thing.
And because it's world wide,there's always somebody here day or night.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
Addiction is the only disease that perpetuates itself by telling you that you're not sick... Only when I started to look at my alcoholism for what it truly is... a disease... and treating it like I would if I had been diagnosed some other malady, like diabetes, or heart disease (which would all have been a reality if I hadn't stopped drinking) -
Don't let the lies get to you... especially right now... believe it or not, you are NOT a failure... if you believe that for one second, then addiction wins...
Good luck today... hang in to those meetings, ESPECIALLY the ones you simply don't feel like making... those are going to be important down the road...
You can do this... you are worth it!
Don't let the lies get to you... especially right now... believe it or not, you are NOT a failure... if you believe that for one second, then addiction wins...
Good luck today... hang in to those meetings, ESPECIALLY the ones you simply don't feel like making... those are going to be important down the road...
You can do this... you are worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 73
Thanks everyone.
Humblenumb, it is hard to not feel like a failure at times. But, getting up, getting to a meeting and adding another day of not drinking will lead to a better life I am told.
To the collective---Having a hard time this morning. Did not sleep well. New job starting soon in another town. Wife is due with our child in a week. Won't speak with me. Wants a separation, and now does not want to move. Hell, I don't even know if she wants me in the delivery room.
If I think about all of this, I get completely overwhelmed and just want to say screw it. Have a beer. I know where that leads. Need to get out of the self pity, get to a meeting, and look at my part in all of this. Hell, I am lucky to be starting a job after being unemployed for a year; I am blessed to be having a new son on a week....all perspective right?
One day at a time right?
This disease is selfish. I have been inexcusably selfish and need some real humility today. I need to step away from my pride and what I WANT and look at what others that are important in my life NEED. I keep telling myself, the only perfect thing I have to do today is not drink. But, man, if if doesn't feel like I have a million things lined up at the toll booth waiting for me to address.
Thanks for letting me share.
Humblenumb, it is hard to not feel like a failure at times. But, getting up, getting to a meeting and adding another day of not drinking will lead to a better life I am told.
To the collective---Having a hard time this morning. Did not sleep well. New job starting soon in another town. Wife is due with our child in a week. Won't speak with me. Wants a separation, and now does not want to move. Hell, I don't even know if she wants me in the delivery room.
If I think about all of this, I get completely overwhelmed and just want to say screw it. Have a beer. I know where that leads. Need to get out of the self pity, get to a meeting, and look at my part in all of this. Hell, I am lucky to be starting a job after being unemployed for a year; I am blessed to be having a new son on a week....all perspective right?
One day at a time right?
This disease is selfish. I have been inexcusably selfish and need some real humility today. I need to step away from my pride and what I WANT and look at what others that are important in my life NEED. I keep telling myself, the only perfect thing I have to do today is not drink. But, man, if if doesn't feel like I have a million things lined up at the toll booth waiting for me to address.
Thanks for letting me share.
Sobriety will be a great gift for your son 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi Thirdtime.
"I am going to meetings. I know I have to take all of this one day at a time. I keep telling myself that the only thing I have to do perfect today is not drink."
Well you know the drill, basics. I needed to practice what I learned and that was the hard part for me who thought it was all together, I stopped drinking.
Then I was taught that alcohol was like an iceberg and was only 10% of my problem and I needed to practice the 12 steps to protect any sobriety I obtained.
BE WELL
"I am going to meetings. I know I have to take all of this one day at a time. I keep telling myself that the only thing I have to do perfect today is not drink."
Well you know the drill, basics. I needed to practice what I learned and that was the hard part for me who thought it was all together, I stopped drinking.
Then I was taught that alcohol was like an iceberg and was only 10% of my problem and I needed to practice the 12 steps to protect any sobriety I obtained.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Keep the faith.
I have seen many people's lives look like a mess(here and in my travels).
And then once that deciding factor of quitting alcohol was introduced into the equation.
All other things fell into place.
I have seen many people's lives look like a mess(here and in my travels).
And then once that deciding factor of quitting alcohol was introduced into the equation.
All other things fell into place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
write this down and keep it visible: "Just do the next right thing"... Do the next right thing YOU know to do at each and every opportunity, and you'll find that the rest of it will begin to fall into place. Easy? NOT! Possible? ABSOLUTELY! Worth it? TOTALLY!
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