PurpleWilder

So my XAH has recently begun dating a woman he met in AA and they seem to be getting on very well. This knowledge has filled me with so much rage, envy and anxiety that I literally can't sleep.

I don't want him back. In the whole time we have been divorced, not once did I ever want him back. So I am really struggling with this.

I was reading a book on abandonment that gets mentioned a lot on the boards (I have the book in my backpack but I'm too durned tired to get up and get the title) and rage is one of the steps in recovering from abandonment. I'm not feeling like, "Oh, I miss him so much" - more like "I miss my ex but my aim is improving".

For the last seven years we have been divorced and I have done my best to keep the peace with this man. I have swallowed my needs, wants, opinions and goals and told myself that I was doing it because of the kids.

This was the lie I told myself, and thus the rage I feel.

Deep down, my codependency wanted to have someone run things. So I wouldn't have to take responsibility if something went wrong. So I could always claim, "Look what he did to me!!". To be the victim.

He used me, of that there is no doubt. He wanted to be divorced from me while I was supposed to remain very much married to him mentally and emotionally. Deep down, I think I always knew it. But it was easier to just let him run things - to be the victim - to blame someone else. I see so much of my parents in my last 2 major relationships. With my XAH, he was like my mom - narcissistic and self-centered with his needs always paramount and his observations always valid. The guy I was engaged to before him with much like my dad towards the end - distant, unfaithful and abandoning.

Going no contact brought these observations into focus for me. My life is so much more serene when I have as little contact with my XAH as possible. I realized that he was interested in dumping his "crappy" into my life so he could save the "happy" for everyone else.

I am trying to own my actions and their consequences and when I can achieve it, it feels pretty good. I don't always do it with a willing and grateful heart but I do try. I went and bought a car - all my myself. I invited my sister up for a visit for 5 days and we went everywhere - all by ourselves. I bought myself a Garmin so I could finally conquer my fear of driving. I paid my state taxes - after a brief panic attack - but I sat down and did the deed.

I'm still obsessing over recent developments. But the truth is that the obsession is a distraction with how angry and disappointed I am at myself for letting this whatever-it-is between me and him go on for far, far too long.

If I truly trust that the Powers that Be give us what we need, I can't expect them to treat me with love and understanding but strike him with lightning. It isn't my call. He has his road to travel and so do I. I have to learn to forgive myself so I can forgive him but remain vigilant against manipulation, gaslighting, baiting, jealousy and general crazymaking on his part. I have to stand up for myself and my life even if I'm labeled a b!tch, a bad mom or worse. I have to own it so I can live it.

So, there is a CODA meeting about 5 minutes away from me on Wednesday nights. I won't always be able to go because of my work schedule but I'm thinkin' I'll be sticking my head in this week. Because I am hoping that adding CODA to it all will result in a really good me that can move on in many, many areas of my life - especially personal relationships. I use to think I was kinda twisted to make relationships a goal - I mean, don't they just happen? But not so much for us codies - we have to be a little more observant, a lot more careful. But first up - repairing my relationship with myself.

I know this is kinda rambly but I am running on about 2 hours of sleep. I sometimes think that actually helps me get it out but not always coherently.

Hmmmm - is this kinda 4th Steppy to you guys?

Hammer

Well . . . . I suppose it IS chock full of Resentment.



So yeah that sounds 4th Step to me.

====================

Real question. Why are you still running around with this crap in your head?

You are divorced, right? Did what you could and at the end of the day, the A was an A and that was that, and you are not messed up enough to be with an A.

Which is a MAJOR GOOD THING about you.

So that is where things are at.

Do you know that MOST guys are Not As? Just mentioning that, because sometimes I think we forget it.

NYCDoglvr

Step Four is a big help, especially for resentments. After working the steps (both in AA and Alanon), it has helped me enormously when dealing with the agony of resentment. When I feel this stuff coming up I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?". It brings the focus back where it belongs on me. In some cases, it comes down to me picking out this disturbed guy and staying with him much too long. It's important to let go of self-hatred, our low self-esteem is what made us settle for a looser. Pretend that you're giving a girlfriend advice on the same situation (helps us be more gentle with ourselves). And give yourself a whole bunch of points because you got out! You're on the right path now to having a terrific life! A big hug........

Astolfo

Purple,

Thank you for your honesty and your insight.

Earlier today I posted something a little bit similar - my soon-to-be-ex AH is dating someone he met in AA, is blissfully happy and eager to share the details with me, while I deal with the practicalities of our divorce.

We've been separated nearly 3 years and I don't want him back, so I was astonished at how much the news about his new relationship upset me. I was weepy and paralysed for days, then lethargic, and finally angry.

And after talking to my Al Anon group, and posting to this site, I've started realising how much my anger is directed at myself - for choosing him in the first place, for putting up with unacceptable behaviour for years, for allowing my confidence and self-esteem and formerly positive outlook and joy to be worn down and worn away almost completely.

I'm moving on but still licking my wounds - still processing what happened between us now that the fog of codependency and denial has (mostly) lifted. He says that now he has found new love, he looks back on our relationship as if "through rose-coloured glasses" and still really loves me. I feel like I've been looking back through dark glasses or hideously magnifying ones; I don't know if I will ever be able to even remember the good parts as everything feels tainted by the revelation of addiction and my own denial.

So it was easier - perhaps even necessary, for a while - to see myself as victim and him as villain; it was soothing to feel wronged. But seeing and telling the story that way gives him all the power and takes away my own accountability. So gradually, and painfully, I am acknowledging my own part in all of this and trying to see him as a human being with a disease, rather than just a *******.

And like you said, "I have to learn to forgive myself so I can forgive him but remain vigilant against manipulation, gaslighting, baiting, jealousy and general crazymaking on his part."