letitgo

Normally I do not work this much from home. I have extreme anxiety/panic/ocd from working long hours. Trying to take care of everything at home and do it again the next day. It part of my anxiety disorder. I feel like the world is caving in. If nothings wrong then mentally I find something wrong to ruminate on. My go to before was alcohol and that was not a good coping method. I feel much less anxious now then I did when I was drinking. I haven't been sleeping well. Heck I am writing this block at 4am.

I just wanted to vent my frustration of my actions to my wife. I have apologized to her many times for it. She puts up with my anxiety disorder and understand. However, she is over emotional with hormones and I feel like such a jerk for allowing my anxiety and lashing out. I said things I didn't mean and just pushed her further. I am not a perfect person but I feel better telling others or journaling. She will hold me to the fire as she should. Others on this board did as well. I deserve that for not being more understanding and letting my emotions control a situation that was not threating or impactful. I cant hide with alcohol and need to be held accountable for the my actions.

When I say she puts up with my abuse. I just mean she put up with my alcoholism. Getting dunk, acting like a child , blacking out and yelling at her. I have never physical struck my wife or anything. Alcohol turned me into a verbal abuser. I am still guilty of verbal abuse on a occasion such as this one. I know was pushing her buttons and I kept going. It was wrong of me. We do not fight normally. When we do it can be intense verbally. We try not to in front of our daughter.

I know getting her flowers will not solve the fact I can be a jerk. But apologizing, making a gesture, and using my actions will go far moving ahead.

The silver lining is that I did apologize and will decompress in a better way before walking to through the door.

I also went to my first AA meeting which I really enjoyed. I am so lucky/blessed to meet great people and find a meeting that I liked.
Everyone looked at me like wow I wish I got sober when you did. I am only 30 and they were proud that I was there to admit I have failed and need help on the right path. My therapist said alcohol increases the risks tremendously for unemployment, suicide, going to prison, institution and death. I am glad that last black out throw up session made me wake up. Its not normal to drink on a Wednesday night. On day 15 or 16 and I feel fantastic. Still have cravings at 5:00pm but I like to drink sparkling water, ice cold v8 and v8 splash.

Fandy

I think you sound better and I was the same way with anxiety, alcohol exacerbated it..problems dont magically disappear, but the way we deal with them is more logical.
my meditation time is when I walk my dog, ( us women multi-task all the time, lol).
Keep posting and sharing, there is a lot of great support here, a wealth of knowlege. When is your wife due?

letitgo

April 28. We can't wait. Its been long 9 months of sickness for her. I am glad we went through it again. We have a child with minor special needs. She was sick all throughout her last pregnancy but children bring such joy and make me feel like a kid again.

wpainterw

My instinct on this is that if you hang in there things will get better with time. Sounds like your AV is still acting up and causing problems. If you're firm with it and make sure that it knows that you're the boss now hopefully eventually it will subside, go back in its kennel to sulk and then learn to shut up, behave and stop playing games to upset the apple cart and causing you to drink again. It's good that you like the companionship of AA. If so, stick with that. It will help you. If you relate well with the counselor stick with that. Perhaps your doctor can help your anxiety with carefully controlled and supervised prescriptions during this difficult period. Discuss all this with your wife. Good luck.

W