ontherightpath

So, I'm going on a trip in June with my husband. Basically a weekend visit, all the wives are going. Shouldn't be a big deal, but every time it's brought up, the tension level raises-- In the past, while drinking, my husband was too embarrassed of my actions (rightfully so) when he had work outings, and forbid me to be a part of them. So I just pretty much accepted my less than stunning performances while under the influence, and haven't attended any functions, and yet, even after trying to be sober, I simply refused to go-- (no sitter, have to work, etc was the story related to them) Now, I'm still chasing the sobriety dream and I have agreed to go on the trip, and I almost feel like he wants me to turn the other cheek and at least not make sobriety an issue. " these people afford us the life we live, so if there is a group outing, we have to go." (I get that, but honey, can we maybe not do a winery or brewery tour???? I need you on my team, if anyone out there should have my back, it should be my husband. Right? Idk, I told him that in the past it was you can go with us, but u can't get drunk -- and now it's I am so excited for you to come with us, but u need to fit in. I told Him to cancel my ticket-- I'm not going on a drinking trip when my focus is sobriety. I will go to spend time with him and if requires to do the group thing, that's cool-- within reason-but I can't stand the tension that it's creating 5 weeks away. I have bookmarked meetings in that area and hope to attend at least one. My plan isn't to get there and throw sobriety out the window, but it also isn't to go and be backed into an uncomfortable situation because his company guys like to drink, ALOT. I will not lower my standards to appease these people. I need to have a serious conversation with my higher power and have faith it will all work out the way It's supposed to work out. Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get it out.

topspin

Ontherightpath,

I understand. Maybe bringing this up in a meeting will help.

Right now , it's 5 weeks away , and without knowing how long you've been sober, it may be that you'll be more confident as the weeks go by,.
That's the way it was for me , anyway. I know , at this point , it must take a lot of faith.

Planning things that far in advance , whatever it is , seems to cause me a certain level of anxiety,.... ,,...I'm not sure why that is !?!

You hang in there , .....one thing's for sure , ....when you get through it , it'll be a wonderful thing for the future , ....knowing you've handled it before.

I don't know if you could simulate a scenario , you may find yourself in, like for an hour or so , with someone from a meeting. Someone with long term sobriety.

That could quell some fears, and build more confidence.

ontherightpath

Thanks tops... I had been sober for 3-4 days at a time for a couple months and then put 3 weeks together and drank at my husband. Back on day 3.

It's funny, because I don't want to worry about it now, but a lot of people know I am going, so when they bring it up, And we are together, my whole insides get frightened. And it's not because of the actual drink, it's about dancing on eggshells to make sure that I fit the bill, that am acting in such a way not to let him down...

As I type that out I see how ridiculous it is. As long as I keep my ego in check and communicate with him about how I am feeling, we should be ok.

Clearly I need to communicate with him....which isn't always an easy task, but I do think that me going there sober scares him more than me going and actively drinking. Why? If I am drinking I am sure to go thru the phases of "let's have fun" "now she's getting crabby" "now she's passed out at the bar" rinse, repeat. That's what he knows, and not what he likes.

Biggest hurdle for HIM with my sobriety is, I stand up for what I think is right. Biggest hurdle for ME in sobriety is allowing him to get under my skin. More times than not, a relapse for me starts with and argument or expectations.

Ok, got that off my chest. I'm going to remain strong in my resolve, and going to try my hardest to not let alcohol, or lack of, ruin my weekend with him, 5 weeks from now....

Climber122

Perhaps this would help: In early sobriety if you have to go into a situation that you are stressing about, go in prepared. Listening to how you described your situation it sounds like you are in 12 step recovery, which is great! If that's true, then make sure you have a "lifeline" from your group going in to said situation - not just this one, but anytime you are worried you might start ruminating on a drink. If you don't have a sponsor yet, pick someone with some sober time that you've warmed to in your meeting(s) and ask them for their phone number. They'll be happy to give it to you. Keep it handy and intend to call them at some point in the night. Know that you can call them if the hampster wheel in your head starts to turn, but just a quick check in with mean you are relying on a power greater than you (the group of the two of you) to get through it - it works!

Situations don't lead us to drink - but it does start with a thought, every time. When you observe that thought in your head, there's no fighting it. At that point you need to reach out and tell someone else, because going this on our own doesn't typically work out super well. Course your mileage may vary but that's been my experience...

BTW good job standing up for yourself - sobriety is job #1, above getting along with husband, impressing friends etc. etc... Good luck, and imagine yourself having fun on this trip!

yeahgr8

Why have you got to go?

ontherightpath

At the end of the day, I don't have to go.

I do want to go, but as I states before I need to clear the air with my husband, or I won't go.