hopenlove15

I came on here because I needed help on how to support my boyfriend of 6 years as he is recovering from alcoholism. This is all new to me and it's extremely hard and confusing going through the whole process. My boyfriend just admitted after so long that he had a drinking and cocaine problem. He admitted that he had been in denial and hiding it from me for a long time. Finally he decided he didn't want to live his life like this so he told his family and I that he wanted to go to rehab and get help. He went to rehab and now he is out, but he's been acting very distant towards me. He said that it isn't that he doesn't want to be with me, he said that he's just going through some new changes and feels uncomfortable being sober. He says he still wants to be with me but he wants time to figure out his life. I know that it is important that he is focusing on himself and his recovery, but it's still so hard to not take it personal. I love him very much, but I don't know what I can do to support him as he goes through all the new raw emotions that he has been suppressing for so long. I am aware that Al-Anon would be a good place for me to go. I'm kind of nervous and shy about attending. Any suggestions? I'm just very confused, hurt but I'm trying to be as strong as I can.

honeypig

hopenlove, yes, please do get to that Alanon meeting. This site http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ will help you find a meeting as well as tell you about Alanon and what to expect at a meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/what-can-i-expect.

From the stickies at the top of the page, you can check this out: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

And searching the existing threads in the forum will turn up a lot of people with exactly the same questions and concerns as you have, so you may want to try that also.

His recovery is his own, and yours will be your own. Supporting yourself thru Alanon and SR is the best thing you can do, I believe.

idledreamer

Welcome to SR! Finding and becoming a member on this site is a great first step! I don't know much about dealing with a recovering alcoholic, since my BF is not at that stage yet, so I'll let others speak more specifically about that. But what has helped me understand my ABF's problems is learning as much as I can about alcoholism.

The stickies are a great place to start, and look at multiple areas of the site. The more you know the more you are able to understand what he's going through and also help yourself through this. There's a lot of great suggestions about articles, books, movies, etc. as well as personal stories that help fill in the gray areas.

I'm so sorry you're in the position you're in, but I'm glad you reached out and found this site

allforcnm

When my husband first entered recovery I began working with a psychologist at his rehab. She introduced me to the CRAFT (community reinforcement and family training) program to help me cope with my emotions, and support his early recovery (which can be a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions). CRAFT is a two pronged approach: Making sure I take care of myself, focus on my dreams and goals…. AND learning ways to be as supportive as possible to my husband during his lifestyle change … utilizing communication, positive reinforcements that come natural as part of our relationship.

I would recommend this book: Get Your Loved One Sober ... by Robert Meyers & if you like to read this brand new book also on community reinforcement is wonderful (Im almost all the way through): Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeffrey Foote..

If either of these interest you then I also suggest checking out SMART recovery as family members there utilize this approach. They have both local and online meetings for family members.. Open discussions which include topics like self care, coping strategies, boundaries, enabling, methods of positive communication. All are free of course…

So therapy & CRAFT are what helped me most especially in those early days… happy to report husband is Two Years free of substances this month.

I wish you both great outcomes & have to add: he is lucky to have your love and support. Just remember to always take care of YOU:

canofworms

I know that AL-Anon helped me, it may help to find one that has a beginners meeting, you can talk in a small group and then afterwards move into the bigger group where you can just sit and listen until you are comfortable.

It really helps just to listen to other peoples stories and while posting on the internet is good, actual human contact works a bit better!!!

involved

I second learning about the disease of adiction. Loved the "Getting them sober" books. The Big Book of Alcoholics and The 12 steps and 12 traditions also very helpful to understand where the A is coming from and also how the recovery process works. Al Anon was adapted from the AA program. Learning that your moods dont need to revolve around their moods and going about your business and getting out of the way of their recovery is the best thing you can do, with Love, Patience and Tolerance, accepting progress, not expecting perfection...in reguards to yourself and your RA...one day at a time. Good luck. Its not easy but sounds like he wants it! The Willingness is the most important element to recovery!

OnlyOneProblem

Hopenlove, Al-Anon would be a wonderful place for you.

My RAH is almost 7 months sober. The first months were difficult as we were navigating strange waters. Relationships can work when both parties are working their own program. We have tools now and communicate better. He is grateful to be able to talk to me about his program and know that I understand. I know how to stay on my side of the street now. We have been married 8 years and it was just the other day when he admitted that he "feels like he is married now". Alcoholism kept him at a distance.

When I first started going I was also nervous and shy. Al-Anon has helped me in so many other areas of my life. I have one meeting I always try to get to each week and when I'm struggling with finding my peace I get myself to another meeting. Try at least 6 meetings and try different locations also. Keep coming back here and reading. Sober Recovery has taught me so much. I'm eternally grateful to all who share their story and experience.

hopeful4

I attend Celebrate Recovery which is sort of like Alanon. I remember how nervous I was the first time. Well, don't be nervous. They are wonderful. Look for a group you click with, I think that is the most important. No matter which one you try I would expect them to make you feel very very welcome.

I think it is pretty normal for someone right out of rehab to be uncomfortable in their own skin so to speak. I encourage you to take this time to work on you and try to have peace and serenity on your "side of the street."

Good luck to both of you and God Bless!

hopenlove15

Thank you guys so much. I appreciate all the support and great advice. It's hard to talk to others who have no idea what it is even like to be in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Coming from a good family and being a "normie" makes it so hard to understand the disease. I definitely plan on attending a meeting today after work. I hope it gives me the peace and support that I need going through this recovery process with my boyfriend. I just definitely need to be around people who know what I am going through emotionally and can help me a long the way. Thanks..

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (23 years), he sounds pretty normal for someone in early sobriety. The first 90 days are very rough, an emotional roller coaster. I suggest giving him as much space as he needs, staying away from emotional discussions or expecting anything much of him. Try not to take anything he says or does personally right now. He will stabilize but it takes a while. All the best!